I'm really putting myself out there for this one so bare with me. As I learn more about my own gender identity I'm starting to feel at odds with how I'm going about transition. I feel the same way that I think most transgender people feel in the sense that I've wanted to be a girl from an early age. However, what's frustrating is that I just wasn't. In the meantime I was born a boy and I was raised as a boy. I've learned to live my life in the male role model. Now as I'm learning that there are multiple ways of being a boy, I don't feel as if the 'male' identity is as restricting as I may have felt before. However, I'm still extremely body dysphoric. This dysphoria has been the only constant in my transition. Ever since starting hormones, most of the issues I've had melted away and I feel great just as I am now.

However, I'm not sure about the wisdom of staying on spyronolactone for so long. I would like an orchiectomy for medical and health reasons. So you see I'm in somewhat of a bind.  I don't know if this kind of surgery is available for those who are 'gender queer' [ I think it's what it's called ]. If you go to therapy, they tell you that gender is a spectrum, and that nobody's 100% male or female either way. However, in order to get any kind of real surgery, it seems as if you have to prove that you're on the far end of either spectrum. Doesn't that only reinforcing the binary? I wanted to get some input on my situation. Am I crazy, or confused? My life is making so much sense so far, it would kill me if it all went sour now.

I think with a sympathetic therapist who is convinced you are sincere, you might still be able to get the letters a surgeon might require.  It'd probably be best to give such a decision a lot more thought if you are uncertain, though.

Hey, Apricot.  I think I can relate to your situation.  When I first started exploring my gender identity, I was at odds with the idea that I would have to give up a bunch of masculine characteristics in my personality to be accepted as a woman.  For example, I don't want to wear makeup every day.  I want to wear tshirts and jeans.  I want to wear slacks and button down shirts(fitted for a female body shape).  I want short hair.  These are all things that I'm more comfortable with and feel like they present my personality to the world more than the "feminine ideal."  Basically, I am a strong woman and I am going to emulate the strong women in my life.  I work in IT, and we have a LOT of assertive women.  I just take my queues from them.

It's not the clothes or the makeup or the hair that I associate with femininity the most - it's the psychology, emotions, and secondary sex characteristics.  Those are the things that I didn't like about being on T and being on E is taking care of those for me.  Yay.^_^  So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, be yourself, not what you think will make you appear more femme to others.  Be the woman that you want to be - no matter how much motor grease is under your nails or curse words stream from your mouth.

As for the surgery, keep trying until you find a surgeon who will do it.  One is out there somewhere.  If at first you don't succeed...

Thanks for the replies, you guys. It's kind of a realization I think. I'm a very feminine person, and yet because I think that gender expression is very fluid, whether I outwardly identify as a boy or a girl doesn't matter quite as much as the masculinizing effects of testosterone and my self perception. I think there's a difference between gender identity disorder and the body dysphoria that usually comes with it. I'm just not sure that a therapist will see it that way. Either way, I often wondered if there were anyone else like me out there in the same or similar boat.

If you are serious about needing to get rid of the evil twins and have insurance there is a way.

Complain about constant and unremiting pain. Don't drop it. Nothing they do will help. Eventually after a few months of chasing dragons start hinting that you just want them gone to deal with the pain.

That is how I got my insurance to cover it. Granted it was true in my case, but they never were able to isolate the reason why I was haveing severe testicular pain so they had to go on my word alone on the matter in the long run. There was no medical reason for my orchi other than my say so that I was experianceing high levels of pain and discomfort.
Constant unremiting pain that is not controlled by other medical means is reason to have them removed without a psych letter.

just sayin....

Quote from: Cadence Jean on September 22, 2011, 07:38:21 PM
Hey, Apricot.  I think I can relate to your situation.  When I first started exploring my gender identity, I was at odds with the idea that I would have to give up a bunch of masculine characteristics in my personality to be accepted as a woman.  For example, I don't want to wear makeup every day.  I want to wear tshirts and jeans.  I want to wear slacks and button down shirts(fitted for a female body shape).  I want short hair.  These are all things that I'm more comfortable with and feel like they present my personality to the world more than the "feminine ideal."  Basically, I am a strong woman and I am going to emulate the strong women in my life.  I work in IT, and we have a LOT of assertive women.  I just take my queues from them.

It's not the clothes or the makeup or the hair that I associate with femininity the most - it's the psychology, emotions, and secondary sex characteristics.  Those are the things that I didn't like about being on T and being on E is taking care of those for me.  Yay.^_^  So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, be yourself, not what you think will make you appear more femme to others.  Be the woman that you want to be - no matter how much motor grease is under your nails or curse words stream from your mouth.

As for the surgery, keep trying until you find a surgeon who will do it.  One is out there somewhere.  If at first you don't succeed...

You just described an everyday average female!

I sometimes feel like I'm not truly trans because I am not so feminine. I am though when I want to be just like so many gg's.

I have always realized I was born male, penis=male I am thankful for it for only one reason, it made me three wonderful children. I even enjoyed using it at one time.  By saying all this does this make me less qualified to be trans.

So much of how I have changed is how I view myself and other woman. I have changed quite a bit in my view about men also. I don't think I could be freinds with one again at least not in the manner I once was. So many things men do are almost foreign or disgusting to me. Just the other day I was walking into a stadium for my sons football game, the man in front spit on the ground, I avoided it like the plague and thought geez how disgusting. Thing is that was me 4-5 years ago, never even thought twice about spitting. Now I still spit occasionally but usually only if have too and then I kind of hide when doing it.

I have not changed any of my veiws, reactions, gestures, hobbies, thinking or daily activities intentionally because of my transition, but many of these have changed. I feel its in the process of excepting myself and partly from HRT. I know for a fact men definitely smell different now and I haven't passed or met one that has smelt good, most have smelt rather disgusting. This has to be from HRT.

Shelly

You CAN obtain an orchiectomy by working with a good therapist who works in and for your best interests.  While they still must follow the WPATH guidelines, what most people don't realize is this: there is wiggle room for a good bit of flexibility in those guidelines.  I had not been living in a female role full time, but had been on HRT for over two years, and having electrolysis for almost a year.  My therapist described this  in her referral letter as me developing my "evolving gender identity".  If a therapist tells you certain things are absolute requirements, you should find another therapist, one who is willing to work with you to achieve what is required by the guidelines, without forcing you into a pigeon-hole. 

Dr. Reed was somewhat apprehensive at first to hear I had not been living full-time, but never questioned it again after receiving both of my referral letters.