How can I get myself to tell people about my darkest secret of being transgender man? Should I take baby-steps by first telling them that I'm a lesbian or should I take the first biggest step? For some goodness reason I feel more comfortable telling people that I am a lesbian then transgender man. I was always comfortable telling people that I was a Bisexual. I feel too much pressure to take that giant leap.

I know I have a male brain, and no way am I sexually attracted to men so I know who I am. I am just finding myself struggling to tell people about it.

Seeing as a lesbian is so different from a transman, I can't really see it as an intermediary "baby step" between straight female and FTM. I suggest going for the truth straight-up, since saying you are a lesbian isn't even a little bit true in your case; it's just another lie you'd have to live. It's hardly better, really just different from the old lie.

And, further, coming out twice isn't very fun. Trust. I personally think just coming out once, and coming out clearly is the best way to go. Obviously, it's your choice, but sometimes (actually, almost always) you have to go outside your comfort zone for at least a short burst to be able to change your life for the better.

Aaaaand, there's also the smaller issue of the fact that you may say you're not attracted to men now, but that often changes as one transitions. You never know. (50 - 60% of the transguys I know are gay, and a lot of them came out as lesbian and insisted they didn't like men before coming out as trans.)

EDIT: I have the annoying habit of going back and editing my posts a lot. Forgive me.

In my case, I came out as a lesbian (I was actually outed by my mother, who caught me kissing a girl...awkward!!) before I even realized that I'm trans. In hindsight, it may have been a little easier to deal with that way because I've lived as a lesbian for years now, but in some ways it's much harder. For example, my girlfriend is a lesbian, which means she likes girls.    But we've talked it over and she's very open-minded and accepting of me.

I think it's probably better for you to just come out as who you are. I mean, what's the point in lying? If you like women, then technically you're straight. So coming out as a lesbian is lying to the people you're telling.

just my thoughts.

I just went straight from "straight girl" to "guy" and I doubt telling people I was a lesbian would have eased it. Actually I was asked many times by my mother if I was a lesbian. XD But it made no sense anyway though I doubt you want to hear the details of why.

Coming out is hard but you just have to do it eventually. :\ Sorry, can't offer more help than that.

I have no idea which is actually the better move, I came out in one swoop.  all of us can only speak from OUR experience.  and yours will be unique to you as well.

Although, more often than not, I do hear trans people saying that they find it best to come out in baby steps.  Maybe instead of saying you're a lesbian, you could say that you are "questioning your gender".   Saying it like you're just giving them a heads-up that you're thinking about it.  but it could be nothing.  And then come out as "genderqueer." And then coming out as "transgender" isn't going to be a shock, because they already knew you were searching yourself.

Quote from: JohnAlex on September 29, 2011, 10:57:55 PMMaybe instead of saying you're a lesbian, you could say that you are "questioning your gender".   Saying it like you're just giving them a heads-up that you're thinking about it.

I agree, that sounds much better and is more truthful than coming out as lesbian, if one is to insist on baby steps. It kind of gets to to the point, which is ones gender, not ones sexuality.

Quote from: Leek on September 29, 2011, 11:00:53 PMI agree, that sounds much better and is more truthful than coming out as lesbian, if one is to insist on baby steps. It kind of gets to to the point, which is ones gender, not ones sexuality.

Somehow, ordinary people don't seem to know the difference.  So, playing on that, I can also see how coming out as a lesbian would be a type of baby step.
We know that gender and sexuality are not the same thing.  but for other, more ignorant people, if you came out as a lesbian and then later as transgender, I think they would definitely think there was a connection.  I mean, if you discovered your sexual orientation before your gender identify, then you would call yourself a lesbian. so I don't think it's terribly far from the truth.

So to me, the only downside of coming out as a lesbian first, is that you would be playing on that the fact that everyone is so ignorant of the difference between gender and sexuality, and possibility even establishing that untrue fact for them.
but even that's not that big of a deal, because there is always time to educate.

I would just come out.  Baby steps in coming out as trans would be tell close friends,  once you get that over/they accept you and stuff you will want to tell more people.  Telling them you are a lesbian when it's not true is probably going to cause confusion on their part and angst on yours.

FWIW - I came out as lesbian (long before I came out as trans) and my mother at least found that very hard to deal with. Still talked to me and loved me etc (after a while to adjust) but found it hard to relate to me you know as she didn't understand it. When I came out as trans she was almost relieved and said she found that a lot easier to accept than when I told her I was a lesbian! I asked her why of course coz to me that sounded crazy!! And she said that she saw my being a lesbian as a choice (I don't necessarily agree, just saying the way my 60+yo mother said to me!) and that my being trans was something I couldn't avoid or help..

I say be like WHAM! man - if you're gonna do it, do it right!!!

I would also just come out as trans.  Because I believe that gender identity and sexuality are separate, coming out as a lesbian would likely just confuse things for other people when you come out as trans.  It's possible that they may then see being trans as a sexuality thing versus a gender thing.  Or wonder why you can't just stay a lesbian since that seems to be more socially acceptable (and "easier").  Would you rather try to explain that or explain your gender identity from the beginning, separate from your sexuality?  Do you really want to come out twice?

When I look back on high school, one of the things I regret most is coming out as bisexual, then lesbian, then trans.  It was horrible for my friends and family.  I think my mom still doesn't quite trust me because of it.  I was repeatedly asked why I couldn't be just a butch lesbian.  Most people didn't know what to think and saw it as another "phase" I was going through.

I really don't see coming out as a lesbian as a "baby step" to coming out as trans.  To me, that sort of implies that more lesbians are either closet-trans people or are in the process of coming out.  That their sexuality is just a stepping-stone to a different gender identity.  Which for most, it's not.  Just my take on it.

I think Adio summed it all up. I came out three times, and I feel like everyone will forever think that anything I do is a phase, now.

Quote from: Adio on September 30, 2011, 11:03:17 AM
I would also just come out as trans.  Because I believe that gender identity and sexuality are separate, coming out as a lesbian would likely just confuse things for other people when you come out as trans.  It's possible that they may then see being trans as a sexuality thing versus a gender thing.  Or wonder why you can't just stay a lesbian since that seems to be more socially acceptable (and "easier").  Would you rather try to explain that or explain your gender identity from the beginning, separate from your sexuality?  Do you really want to come out twice?

When I look back on high school, one of the things I regret most is coming out as bisexual, then lesbian, then trans.  It was horrible for my friends and family.  I think my mom still doesn't quite trust me because of it.  I was repeatedly asked why I couldn't be just a butch lesbian.  Most people didn't know what to think and saw it as another "phase" I was going through.

I really don't see coming out as a lesbian as a "baby step" to coming out as trans.  To me, that sort of implies that more lesbians are either closet-trans people or are in the process of coming out.  That their sexuality is just a stepping-stone to a different gender identity.  Which for most, it's not.  Just my take on it.

This. Coming out as different things might confuse people and make them not take you seriously.