I don't know who I am. I know I want to transition in some way. I posted a thread similar to this a while back. But I feel like pulling out my hair. This is so frustrating. It was never a problem until half a year ago, when a character from a show I watch made me realize hey I feel a bit like them in a way. After that, things just got confusing. I have a biological female body. I realized I am attracted to women as well as men (but I prefer women much more). I have considered therpay but going to a doctor has been impossible for me. I have this fear. I can't explain it. Every time I go to a doctor I freeze and choke on my words, so I can't even imagine going to a therapist for this particular thing (even though I managed to find one near my area). I want to KNOW who I am. I want to be a boy but I am scared of how much transitioning will change things. I also totally present myself as female right now. The only thing is more than once I feel like a boy. I hate my parts, I hate nearly everything about being female (yet there are very few things I rarely enjoy). On some days I just think "no, I'm a girl" and I feel like a girl. So I'd like to know if there are any possible ways I can figure out who I am. I'd like to know now because the confusion is literally driving me insane. My best friend has clearly shown she is a homophobiac. So saying good bye to her would be tough. But I am in love with her so I have visions of myself ''running away'' as a girl, and then coming back as a handsome stranger she never knew and helping heal her over her lost friend and becoming her boyfriend. She's not the only reason I want to transition though. But there are rare days where I feel I am best as female and then feel I might regret transition but more than often I feel like jumping at the chance to transition. Agh. I sound like a broken record. Anyways. Back to the point: how do I figure out who I am? Is there another option if I am too scared to go to a doctor? Like, online therapy or something?

Online therapy is an option. I know my therapist that I went to was going to start an online therapy thing but I don't think he has yet.

Honestly though I believe online therapy would just be using video so pretty much the same as going to see a therapist which sounds like it would really help you out. I'd strongly suggest trying to write out your feelings and going to see a therapist who specializes in the trans side of things. Give them the letter during your first session and explain it's hard to talk about, you'll have to start talking about it after that but maybe that would make it a little easier?

Also do you already present as male occasionally? Maybe it could help you out. Like your own RLE sort of thing. I will caution you not to do that if you live in a small town or even a big city where you feel you will not be safe presenting as male.

That's all I've got as far as suggestions though sorry.

Andrew, I actually love the letter idea. But how would that work. I would find it awkward to just hand it to them. Would I say "here is a letter I find it harder to talk about things so I wrote down how I feel" and go from there I guess? And no, I have never presented myself as male in public. I am still hiding in the closet.

Oh also, one of the therapists is an LGB therapist. Would they also be able to help me with transgendered stuff?

One of the fundamentals of all forms of therapy is the so called 'transference'. Have never done anything but face to face therapy but would think that online would negate much of this from happening?

To be honest all the present insistence of gender based therapy also concerns me as far from all the issues we deal with in life are connected specifically to gender. Just an opinion, am not condemning it.

You could simply say you have written out your thoughts on the subject because you are having trouble finding the right words to express what you mean.  A good therapist would ask questions that would help you explain what you mean when you have trouble forming the right question to ask yourself.

As for having a fluid gender, it is not unknown at Susan's Place.  Some people state that they can feel like a man, a woman, both, neither or something else from day to day. It's probably worth checking out the Androgyne threads to read what others in a similar situation have to say.  Main thing is you are not wrong, or some sort of freak. Same thing with sexual orientation, it can change with time too.

Karen.