Let me just begin my saying that my grandmother is a very conservative right wing southern baptist, and therefore, I have been holding off on coming out to her. She has also been a very important role model the last couple years and my step-in mother. Needless to say, I've feared most that she would disown me and that I would lose her support and love.
This is a bit long guys, but there was really no better way to explain this.
Last Friday her and I had a very long conversation surrounding religion and personal beliefs. We covered everything from our personal (and very different) beliefs about religion to our stance on Equality. She has a very hard stance against homosexuality and pretty much anything that she doesn't understand and sees them as sins.
After our very long talk, she said that she understood me a bit more and that while she didn't agree with everything that I'd said that she could see why I have the views that I do. And I informed her that she helped me understand her a lot better; that she's really just an old fashioned woman brought up in different times.
Anyway, today I called her and after about the first five minutes she abruptly changed the subject and asked me very bluntly if I had been trying to tell her something important about myself the other night. After a lot of stammering on my part, which included me telling her that I am not a lesbian, I told her that I have been slowly and subtly been dropping hints and been trying to get her to accept my beliefs without tossing them without really listening. She said that whatever it was that was going on my life must be very personal and important to me and that she would appreciate to know what it was so she could be supportive, because she would love me no matter what and she would accept and support whatever it was that I was trying to tell her; we had also talking in depth about unconditional vs. conditional love that night as well. So, I did the only thing I could that I knew she would get I asked her if she knew who Chaz Bono is. And she said yes, and I asked her if she was aware that he was born with a female body and she said yes again. And I said my mind is male, and I'm working to make my body match my mind.
She asked me a lot of questions -- A LOT OF QUESTIONS. She asked me how long I've known, how long I've been transitioning, etc. At one point I had to stop her because she was asking too much at one time and I didn't want to overwhelm her. She very point blank said that she had been speculative about my gender, etc, for awhile and that she was glad that I told her. She then said that she still loves me and is still accepting that she will be there for me through my entire transition.
Then, she asked me why I'd been so apprehensive about telling her. I told her that I'd read/heard a lot of varying stories about people coming out to their parents and family that were very conservative or not at all and how varying the reactions were, and that I was afraid that she might be the worse case and flip on me. She explained to me that she was not like that at all and she would never do that to me.
Among the other things she asked me was if she could tell any other family members or if she had to keep this to herself. I respect her for asking since an ex-friend had done the opposite. I'm not ready for the rest of the family to know yet. Especially, since I am still pre-T and still very much look like a girl. I explained this to her and said to wait until I've been on T long enough that I've begun to pass because the family would understand better if they saw physical changes first, because sometimes we fear and judge what we can't see to understand. And she understood that and agreed with me.
She was surprised to find out that my brother knows, but is happy he's okay with it. One of the last things she asked before we ended the conversation was about my name and changing it. I told the different names and variants that I've come up so far and how I planned to wait to make a solid choice until I passed and wasn't trying to fit a name to a girl's face. She wasn't mad that I plan to take my Godmother's last name instead of keeping the family name. What I didn't tell her was the true reason why I will not keep my dad's name, but I acquiesced and said that I'm will to try it as a middle or put her maiden name as a middle. I said that when that time comes that we'll see what happens because in the end it's about what makes me happy and whether or not it makes me feel like me and not something pressured upon me.
In the end, she reminded me that she loved me and that she's supportive and accepting and that we would talk soon, and talk more about this aspect of my life when it wasn't all so new and she'd had time to absorb what I'd told her.
All in all, I think it went very well. I think she's worried about me spiritually, but she said herself that she can't say what God thinks about anything because she is not Him. Not to mention that I like guys so she's dealing with a double entendre. Another weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This has been looming over my head every time her and I would get together and now that is gone. Whew.
So far I continue to have a good reception, save one friend who in the end couldn't handle it. And I know that not everyone will be like the friends and family that know so far, but I can only be optimistic and hopeful. Dwelling too much on possible negatives only bring me down. I'm seriously smiling right now! And boy was I shaking/sweating while I talked to my grandma! I would have rather come out to her face to face, but I think it was better that it was over the phone because I wasn't hindered by any worry etc, that I know would have been on my grandma's face.
