so, the past few days were the best i've ever had. two friends and i decided to spend some time together just us girls, and since my usual male style wouldn't do they gave me a makeover (which they wouldn't usually do. it's just i obviously wanted that, so they kinda insisted ). The next day we left for the city with me wearing a dress (no pants would fit. thinking back... i could have probably worn my male pants ) and my old male shoes (no shoes would fit). After some shopping i changed to a really nice outfit with some great shoes and some jeans (phew, a lot less self-conscious that way) and had a really nice time. And everyone treated me as a woman, even at moments where it must have been pretty clear that i must have gone through male puberty at some point. And when i got home the day after one of my (male) roomies was there and said i looked good and it was so clear that i was so much happier and self-confident as a woman.

It's been so good that i really don't want to go back to my old life. I've been practically fulltime since tuesday!
aaaaand now comes the "well, crap" part.
while it was pretty easy to go out to the city (full of people who know me) with friends, i have been completely incapable of leaving home alone. I even asked a roomie to go out to the store that is right around the corner to buy me something i needed just because i couldn't leave. Worse even, yesterday evening a roomie who had been out returned with her boyfriend (who i am not out to, but would probably be accepting of this) for an hour or two. I was afraid of leaving my room or really do anything, up until i scrounged up enough courage and went to the living room aaand... i noticed that they had left again already. I think that's the first time my roommates saw me break down and cry and it probably showed them how serious this all really is to me. And today i was going to go to my therapist which i was actually for once looking forward to and i just couldn't leave. The trip would just be too long and i was just seeing too many scary moments on the way. instead i started crying again and left a probably confusing message on his answering machine.
Looking forward i'm probably coming out to a friend tomorrow, but i might go back to male mode for that to... well manage to get outside at all and i really don't want to surprise him with my new look (even though it might actually help people to accept that this is really happening and it's good). Tuesday or wednesday there'll be an event for the first years of our course at the Uni and i had registered to help, but if i'm going through with going fulltime now, i don't really want them to see me as a guy, but i just might still not be ready to go outside by then... and in one to two weeks our lectures will start, the kind of lecture where you work really closely with the other students and the lecturers.

so, i really don't know. I refuse to go back to my male life, but apparently am not ready to face the world.

I'm sorry to see that you are stressing so over going out. Fear is a difficult thing to face at times. Just keep in mind that the quickest way thru something that hurts us is straight thru the center of it. Not always the easiest way to go but the fastest way to get it behind us. Just be careful whatever you do.

Brandi

Quote from: Beth Andrea on September 30, 2011, 01:18:14 PM
My advice, based on a real-world "OMG I'm too afraid to be seen in this get-up" experience, is to look at something outside your house/apt., something simple and routine, like taking out the trash (but not walking the dog--takes too much time), and go out at dusk or early morning. Do it every day, extending the time or distance as you feel comfortable.

Yes!
Exactly.
Fear is not uncommon, just go slow and become comfortable with who you are, how you look, and being seen as female.
It's okay, don't stress, don't worry, take your time.

thanks

honestly, i don't know what i was even thinking. going alone on a about 75 minute trip using 3 different types of transportation, getting carded on at least one and then all that fun again on the way back? All that without having gone outside alone for something smaller? I'm definitely pedaling back to trying to do smaller easier things.
although it's pretty hard to take my time, knowing that the day i have to decide if i'm really going fulltime permanently and come out to heaps of people is horribly close. My friends offered to pick me up on the day the lectures start so we can start that day together and they can be there for me all the time. So i'll definitely have support if i should risk it all (i still can't believe how lucky i am to have them ). and i've got a draft of what i'm going to post on our (hidden) facebook group.

thankfully i'm getting comfortable with myself, and while before i didn't like at all how i looked and that really stressed me, after spending a day out and about and seeing myself in all those mirrors while shopping made me realize... i actually really do look good . but that was in a city i know really well and i was accompanied by friends, while what i was planning to do today felt like... like i was a defenseless newborn thrust alone and unprepared into the world to make my way to the big bad menacing city. not to mention that our neighbours and their kids (who actually seem incredibly nice... unlike their parents) love to spend their time in our common courtyard which is probably the main reason i can't even get close to our front door.

oh well, back to babysteps. those work

P.S. just skyped with my mom. she thinks i look wonderful and is happy for me (she was really skeptical about me being able to pass or look good as a woman and that that would make me unhappy). But apparently my dad still doesn't want to see me as a woman, or my mom just thinks he couldn't handle it... or something. oh yay.

You have people supporting you-that's great and an invaluable asset. And your mom accepts you too-priceless! Like has already been said-take your time and make small steps. You will get more and more comfortable with being seen as the new you.

Brandi

so, i basically said "screw small steps" and decided to go all the way over to a friends house.
I left home, and of course the neighbours were outside, and of course they were laughing, and of course it felt like it was about me, and of course i was unable to open the garage door where my bicycle is, which felt again embarassing and of course that way a sort of short trip became a 20+ minute walk.
and eventually i had to go aaaaall the way back. It was a bit scary, i think it's better to avoid streets at night which are at parts badly illuminated and lonely except for the few times someone passes by you. There was one funny bit though. a few little children saw me walk by and then called loudly "Hello!" .. "hey beautiful!" though they might have been discussing my sex beforehand. maybe not.

today i'm considering going out as a guy because i want to come out to a friend and i really don't want to surprise him. i don't want the conversation to be out of my control right from the start . ironically now i think i'm more nervous about leaving as a guy than as a girl.

and as for the first years event at uni... i think i'm not going to what is done with everyone together, but i am going to the games and i'm just going to my station with the friends i'm out to and if anyone recognizes me, i'll tell them ... or i'll hide behind my friends.... maybe both but at least it won't be everyone i know at the same time.

Sorry, but thats just all great luck that youve got there
You will be less self concious though. They were not laughing at you, the kids did not know.
Thats great that you took a 20 min walk! You were confortable by the time you got there, werent you?

Ha! Ah.... the pains of having to go back to boy mode after you know how good en femme is. Yep. Ive tried to find small ways to have it not bother me as much.

Having done a trip to the city with friends and survived, you have proved to yourself that you can do it with company.  It seems to me that you are taking things gradually, and not overstretching yourself when you are alone. 
Are you full-time at home? I wouldn't be surprised if you find that relatively easy as it is your "territory" and you are dominant there.
Congratulations, and look forward to hearing of more progress. Don't worry if you have setbacks or come across roadblocks. We have all had those, and  moved past them.

Karen.

Quote from: _Jess_ on October 02, 2011, 07:20:51 AM
Sorry, but thats just all great luck that youve got there

i know! it's crazy! Maybe that's why i keep putting obstacles in my way, my life is just too easy otherwise
and yes at the end i felt really comfortable. just that part with the neighbours was as uncomfortable as i imagined

Quote from: justmeinoz on October 02, 2011, 07:38:16 AM
Are you full-time at home? I wouldn't be surprised if you find that relatively easy as it is your "territory" and you are dominant there.

yes. the two roommates who have been home have started calling me by my new name and everything. As i said, i'm basically fulltime... except for the fact that i haven't actually left the house to do routine things.

aah things are going well, i'm just overthinking everything! it's pretty telling that as soon as i'm in girl mode people tell me i look happier and just now my mom saw me in boy mode again and immediately said that now i looked unhappy.






Edit:
Oh god that went so not like i had planned. So, the friend i was coming out too? well he kept delaying his return here and so a friend i'm out to started pressuring him to return. So now he came back, specially because of me and i wasn't expecting that. I got a call to go over to their place to come out NOW. I was in girl mode and thought changing to boy mode would take too much time, so i just grabbed my bicycle and went off. As soon as my friend saw me of course the shock and confusion that i wanted to avoid set in. It was actually sorta funny to look at, but it was also really awkward. No one really knew what to say or what to ask. I think he understood it, but now it's best to just sleep over it and then have another little talk tomorrow (at least over the internet).

i really have to change the thread title, since everything is going sooooo well.
so, remember when i said "screw small steps"? I think i threw the whole notion of "small steps" out of the window and never looked back.

i mentioned the first years event at the university i was going to help with. well I went there, as myself. i left home at 11am, and the event ended at 6pm, and in that time i came out to 4 people who knew me and introduced myself as my real me to all the first years (so many people don't know boy me! YAAAAY). And it just went wonderfully. Those who knew me previously after some confusion about if i was just messing with them, immediately started calling me by my new name and one guy even asked me how to spell my name, because he was changing it on his phone.

But my day didn't end there! Of course there was going to be a party on the campus to close off welcoming the first years. I was persuaded to go there too and it really was the absolutely best decision. I started off by going to the ladies' restroom with friends (it felt so good to go past the mens' room and finally go into the right one). Back outside we sat down somewhere, and then, little by little more and more people i know came! And everytime i gave a short summary of what i was doing (a far cry from the facebook post i was planning) and they were all so accepting. I'm sure it must have been another 5 people i came out to.

oooh it's been such a good and crazy day. but i'm getting sleepy, so off to bed and see if i can even sleep with my mind processing this entire day

THATS incredible! Great job! So glad for you!
Those first steps got you really comfortable, didnt they! Wow!

well, i had a lot of help from my friends. they can be a bit pushy when i obviously want to do something and i can be a bit of a push-over when i really want to do something . Every step was hard and scary, but my friends were there for me all the way. I'm really really happy.

it's weird. i take an eternity to do anything and yet now it's been just 1 week since i've gone out for the first time and already i've made so many experiences and taken so many steps. Now i do wonder how life is without so much excitement compressed into one week .p

oh god where to begin?
I still haven't quite realized it yet, but i think i'm officially completely fulltime now. I mean, today i went to my first lecture as a woman, and i think most if not all of the other students saw me as well as five of my lecturers.
But honestly, i don't feel happy. i feel actually pretty crappy. i felt a bit crappy the last few days too though. I did expect a bit of a down after having such good few weeks and i was really exhausted and tired and i had an extremely bad morning (stuck in traffic for 5 hours in the same place, starting at 2 in the morning and it was freezing. oh and it was on its own already a 5 hour trip.... at least i was with friends).
... Anyway, last week i had sent an e-mail to the course coordinator at the uni if she could please change the name on the various lists, so it would be easier for me. She said it was no problem and she'd do it and i was really happy.
So this morning i arrive at Uni, sit down, and notice that practically everyone could see me there and would probably look eventually. So i kinda try to hide, but i think my mood wasn't bad. I think i could have handled it well... if the lecturers hadn't done a roll call and asked for me by my male name. I basically said "here" and "btw. that's the wrong name" and i decided to talk with them when there was time. It was just terrible. Friends tell me i was clearly tense and feeling awful and i really just focused on my notebook and drew, oh and midway through the lecture i started to tremble and couldn't stop. And it took an eternity until i could finally speak with them. A friend tried to help me calm down, which helped a bit though my mood didn't get much better.
Later i went shopping with her for some warmer clothes, and it just completely "destroyed" me. I just can't choose anything by myself because some things feel like they look too masculine and some things i still get that feedback "it looks too feminine" in the back of my mind, and i feel i'm making it so hard and frustrating. Oh and THEN i get to the changing rooms and today all those mirrors and strong lights just highlighted everything that looked male. EVERYTHING. (Just why did my mom have to say that i wasn't looking that much different from my male mode today???).

Well at least everyone seems to be taking it well. Most are okay with it and those i was worried about seem to be ignoring it all and haven't even talked with me. I'm not sure what that means, but i would kinda like to have this over with instead of keep wondering what they are thinking. The youngest lecturer (it was kickoff today so everyone who supervises our projects were there) at one point when we were supposed to write down our names to be drawn at random, came to me, asked me for my new name and to write it down on a piece of paper and was generally extremely nice. One other lecturer i talked with, well she seemed to want to be supportive, but she's a bit hard to read. she might have been a bit uncomfortable (well they did get the name wrong and i was obviously very down). the other three lecturers just walked away, didn't say anything nor did they apologize for the name mistake and just left.

I know it's nothing like what some people have to face, but ... i just felt so incredibly terrible. I don't even know how i stopped myself from leaving the room and just crying

Oh, hun... This to shall pass. Youve done amazing in such a short time! I could never have been as brave as you have been.
Relax, have a bubble bath, a nice rest... Youll feel better.
Or, you could have a cookie and by the time you finish it, youll feel right as rain.
As for your style, and what looks good on you, no one will pick that up on the first day. Theres entire shows dedicated to women that need help with styling. I only know a few things that look good on me. I just ordered a cute empire waist tunic that I have NO idea how it will look. Might make me look horrid.
Everyone has good days and bad... Some better and worse than others.
Off-hand... are you on hormones? How long?

I've just read this thread and I must say Layn, I'm really impressed by what you've achieved in a seemingly short time! I would've never been able to muster up the courage for a lot of the things you've done, at least not that fast.

There will always be bad days though, but it sounds like overall you're a much happier person now. Those mirrors and lights were likely highlighting everything that looked male because you were already feeling a bit self-conscious and so you really noticed these features, but other people might not have.

You seem to have amazing friends, which really does mean a lot. Treasure them!

*hugs*

thanks , but well it really wasn't that fast, considering how long i had been delaying everything. And maybe i really did move ahead way too fast. I'm just not ready with so many things.

yes, i've been on hormones for the past 10 months, but i only started taking t-blockers more recently.

Hum... 10 months and a few of spiro... You could easily be on a hormonal dip thats perfectly normal. Especially if your still adjusting to the med change.

Youve really done great. Really. Everything will turn out for the best.

Hows it going today? Feel better?

i've been meaning to reply, but i've been a bit busy.

I'm doing very well now, thanks . I mean, there was that moment yesterday where i had to do a part of a presentation in front of class (some students were new and probably don't know about me) and i just felt awkward with my voice and knowing that everyone was looking at me, but it worked out.
I keep having tiny moments that just make me so happy. Like yesterday two guys i hadn't actually talked to about my transition completely naturally called me by my new name and referred to me as a girl, and going to the other bathroom and that being so natural and obvious to everyone. and just spending time with girls (which is just so much more fun!). I do get the feeling that with so many little things making me happy (some of them honestly a bit dumb, or ... well not quite something you'd talk about) and other things worrying me (again, some dumb, some you'd usually not talk about) that with me now able to share... i overshare. That i really talk about EVERYTHING and way too often. I hope i'm not bothering anyone. But anyway even through worries and some darker moment it's all worth it for how happy i feel the rest of the time.

btw. it's not spiro. i'm on androcur and it's been maybe almost 3 months.