Sorry, just getting some stuff off my chest. Figured I'd at least post it for any who wishes to burn about 20 minutes reading...

1.   Happy
2.   Scared and worried about loss
3.   Happy medium
4.   Mixed emotions
5.   Doom and gloom

For those who care, I'm feeling better in a scary way.

Figured I'd split this up between two posts just to help not scare people away from reading a wall of text just for a question (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,107689.0.html).


Correcting my posture through tucking and not caring anymore if people see my breasts under my shirt has helped my mood tremendously, though I'm sure if someone gives me a bunch of grief about being a man with breasts I'd just blow them off then proceed to go home and drink my sorrows away but still. It's nice to be happy through most of the day.

1.   I've even gone as far as starting to wear a bra (low profile one at least with little to no padding in the cup) outside of the house lately now that I can wear a somewhat thick fall jacket to help hide the appearance of the shoulder strap adjustment clips and band hook section. It helps me not think so negatively about my future and makes me sooo happy to be able to be like this. Being able to wear breast forms at home even if my S.O. is home and being able to wear a bra regularly has helped my mood so much it's almost scary. My mood has even lightened up in public enough that I've caught myself doing some fairly feminine (girly/young more like it) things around strangers and getting looked at by them because of it. I honestly haven't cared what they've thought and it's caused me to be less angry at the world. I mean yeah, the hair cut thing bummed me out (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,106617.0.html) but it's not like that's the only salon I can go to get a haircut. Once I have a few extra bucks again I might look for a different place to get my hair cut. Heck, I've even grown out my nails and shaped them I've been in such a careless mood.

2.   What scares me though is if I have a rebound while I'm still doing this, or when I have to shed my jacket and I have to stop wearing a bra this coming summer (I have to wear my jacket where I work because it's always cold anywhere I work, even indoors). Normally I can't even do anything that would make me happy because the thought of rebound depression would keep me from being happy. I don't like to feel grumpy and down all the time. This last summer has been horrible because of it, even to the point where I would have forced my S.O. to talk with me about it whether she wanted to or not (though she surprised me and approached me about it before I had a minor break down).

3.   If I can't find some happy medium with myself I'm going to end up wanting to transition, essentially destroying what money I've had saved up since starting my working career (let alone what money I might be able to save up in the future with the cost of FFS and such) and destroying my S.O.'s dream of having kids and living out the rest of her days with me. I think that part hurts the most when I tell myself the next sane move for me is to start a transition, letting my S.O. go and making her find someone she wants to be with.

Recently she talked with me about one of the ways I described how I feel. I'm the kind of person that uses the phrase "the little girl/boy inside of me has always wanted...". This is the place where all of my dreams come from and as I said above where I've found myself doing some fairly feminine things because of how happy I've been, this is a good example of the little girl inside of me coming out. She told me that the little girl inside of her wants the white wedding. And because she's just about finished with school she's getting close to the time where she feels the next step in her life is going to be getting into her carrier, buying her first home and getting married.

It feels like I now have a time limit on her acceptance or tolerance in my dilemma. I'm not going to go deeper into this because I've talked about it before and everyone seems to think the best option is to just let her go but I'm such a cheap bastard that I just can't see myself going back to living alone and spending all of my waking time working so I can afford $500 a month for rent and stuff like that. I can't even consider going back to having roommates again.

4.   Though tucking regularly and wearing a bra has made me feel better about myself, I fear having a rebound on depression which might cause me to want to start transitioning instead of looking for other options to help me feel better about myself the way I am. I also worry about how "happy" I can be before my S.O. seems to think that I'm not man enough for a heterosexual relationship with her. She's said in the past that if I transition she might not be able to handle a sexual relationship with me. When she and I met, even up until now I've been a very grumpy, reserved and an "up tight" kind of guy. She's said that outside of the grumpy part she's always like who I've been and has made comments about other women's boyfriends/husbands saying "oh I could never be with someone that girly". Granted, she's gone bra shopping with me, I've been spending time around the house with breast forms on, and she's spent a few good days with me doing my makeup and she's hinted at letting me have a feminine haircut she's never complained about it effecting our relationship outside of not wanting me to cross dress around her (I still have to wear my men's shirts and pants when I wear my breast forms and I haven't discussed purchasing women's underwear to use for tucking).


I still wish I had been born a female from the start. But at least I'm no longer dwelling on the past and being all doom and gloom about my future (doesn't sound like I'm not being all doom and gloom about my future after a quick proof read but hey, life goes on).

5.   Speaking of doom and gloom about the future, I recently tried to have the "coming out" conversation with my mother about how I feel. Didn't work out well (kinda glad it didn't happen now that I'm feeling a bit more confident about myself) and I've been thinking real hard about if I should even have the conversation with her. One of the things I've told my S.O. is my major worry I have is her family knows about my GiD and what would happen if my family heard about my issues through them first instead of me. If don't transition I'm going to marry my S.O. and she wants me to invite my family.

I have a strong feeling that my father would stop talking to me even if I was the first to tell him about it. In the past he's been worried that I would turn out gay because of the things I did when I was younger and I'd imagine that his opinion of gay/queer people hasn't changed much in the last 15 years or so. My mother on the other hand would probably be offended that I felt I couldn't talk to her about it, though I'm sure with her religious background and current husband I would hear no end about how I'm making a big mistake by transitioning, let alone giving up the only hope she's had of grandchildren (again, seems I can't let go of the women in my life). I've had a decent enough relationship with my mother, and have an even better relationship with her now that I only talk to her once in a while and don't have to live with her. I would hate to have to give that up because of a choice I made. But I keep on daydreaming about having her at my side while I was going through with a transition. Having the mother daughter relationship I dreamed about so many times in the past (though I'm already past the age where it would have been most fun). My S.O. and her family have already said they support whatever decision I make about my future but there's still that empty spot in me that I think only my mother could fill. I also worry about what would happen if I didn't get the chance to tell her.

I don't know, I guess I'm just rambling.

I'm at least happy that no matter what I do my S.O. wants me to stay in her life in some form or another. I just need to figure out what's going to make me the most happy.

If you've made it this far I congratulate you. Sometimes I get started and keep going and going and goin... there I go again. Sometimes I think I do this more for myself then I do to have a conversation with other people about it. Though, my S.O. has asked about Susans and even asked what my screen name was, so maybe some of this is in case she decides to read up on some of the things I've talked about.

Hi LivingInGrey,
That was a great post. I'm pleased you are feeling better in a scary way. I think the scary bit keeps us on edge, so we don't fall back into denial or even worse, mediocrity.
I see nothing unusual in your developments. You are very normal in lots of ways. A recent conference in Canberra has resulted in the community sponsoring it, receiving 100's of call for further info or support for TG issues. And their comment is, it's only the tip of the iceberg. So! You are among many friends.
As you wrote this, just to get things off your chest, I hope it was a cathartic moment for you. If you are looking for any suggestions; don't hesitate in getting back to us. My only comment, based on experience, would be you have some defining moment decisions to be made real soon between yourself and SO. They need to be made now and not when the relationship becomes more formalised. Trust you are keeping well and improving day by day. Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa luv
Catherine

It is great that your SO intends to keep you in her life. This is every bit as much a scary time for her as it is for you. Although my wife tends to say it is worse for me, I also know how she felt back when I might dress perhaps once a month.

I found that writing is a great way to bring clarity to the kaleidoscope of thoughts that swirl  through my head. You are forced to organize them and use different sections and sides of your brain. Even a diary or log works for me. I read someplace that keeping a diary was a great way to look back over the weeks and months after starting on hormones to see what was really in your mind, not what you now think you thunk.

Writing down your thoughts like that , even if they never see the light of day is always therapeutic.  I have been keeping a diary for that reason. 

If your family and friends are going to react negatively, then you have already lost them, and they are not the family or friends they led you to believe they were. Unconditional love means not telling someone that you will only love them if they do what you want.

The situation with your partner is a lot more painful as there are a lot of shared expectations and hopes that will be affected. You are the one living your life though, and are the one who is suffering from the GID.  It sounds harsh, but she can find another partner, you can't find another you.  You have already tried that and it didn't work.  It's a choice of buy a new house or a new body for me.  I can always rent a house.

Unfortunately I think there will be pain regardless of your decision.  It's a matter for you to decide whether your decision, whatever it is, is worth it.
Karen.

I have been writing for a long time, though I didn't spend a lot of time paying attention in English class I was still surrounded by writers in school and out of school. Several people in my family are published authors and are the type that encourages family members to write letters as forms of communication rather than speak directly on the phone.

Writing has always helped me and I have notebooks dating back to when I was ten years old with random (though horribly written) thoughts and even one or two well collected ideas. With my immersion into the electronic age and mass media storage devices I've been able to expand my ability to write even more. Surprising as it is, though I hear a lot about people blaming Microsoft Word for making the general populace lazy writers I've been able to improve my spelling.

As for the decisions that I have coming up in life, there are quite a few tough ones. Mostly I posted this just to throw it out there, but the main cause of typing it all out was to see it on paper for myself. Seeing it on paper makes me think about things differently, like others have said here and helps to organize my thoughts. Good advice from others would only be a bonus.

Since typing this and having spent the last few days thinking about everything I'm still lost on what I should do. Though I only have a short time (relatively speaking) to make some very life changing decisions I still have to deal with the emotions of such changes. I've spoken to a few of the members on the forums that live in the State of Wisconsin and I think, outside of actually talking to my mother about things (which I'm sure no matter if she accepts me or not it's going to affect our relationship for the rest of our lives) I'm going to need to seek help from a gender therapist/counselor/psychologist. If not to start a transition at least to help sort out some of the emotions I'm now starting to attach to the situation that could affect my relationship with my S.O. in the event that I stay male.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life bitter because I made the decision not to transition, taking it out on family members and friends.

I'd hate to say it, but I'm also starting to feel like I don't want to be classed as "transgendered". Something about that feels like a stigma to me, as like someone with a 'disability' like cerebral palsy gets stigmatized as being 'mentally retarded' just because they happen to have to wear a helmet from time to time. It feels like (and has been directly admitted to me by my S.O. that) the people who knew me pre-transition will (or may always) view me as 'the man that turned into a woman' and that just rubs me the wrong way. I just can't get past the feeling that I'm literally going to be spending tens of thousands of dollars to buy my way out of one club just to get ridiculed by what could be a lot of people in the other club.

I've also been soo damn aware of how I look that I don't think I could be happy with just HRT. I'm probably going to end up wanting an astounding amount of FFS and having my teeth fixed. If I could I'd opt for just having my brain pulled out of this shell and stuffed into the shell of a donor body rather than completely overhauling the shell I already have.

Ugh. Sorry. Getting angry again.

I don't want to feel sick anymore. Sick of how I look, physically ill when I see my junk or have to reach around and grab my scrotum to pull it back when I tuck. I don't want to feel emotionally drained after a day of horrible dysphoria.

I wish I could actually cry for once.

Hi LIG,
Let me just say at the outset; you are doing an excellent job. Nobody has ever said, "this journey is easy". But it is WORTH it. Keep up the writing, it's important. With your family history, after you transition (or have a brain transplant LOL), it could be the makings of  book.
The idea of a therapist is an extremely good one. Trained professional have the ability of cutting through our 'crap' and focusing on the important bits, that make sense.
I, personally have never liked labels myself. In fact labels derailed me some years ago, for a long time. This girl that was discovered at age 4; would be in a completely different place today, if the labels of 30 years ago hadn't been there. So, just go with whatever you're comfortable with. Personally, me being a woman, always strikes a chord. Soon my body will be in tune with it.
As for; "the people who knew me pre-transition will (or may always) view me as 'the man that turned into a woman' and that just rubs me the wrong way. I just can't get past the feeling that I'm literally going to be spending tens of thousands of dollars to buy my way out of one club just to get ridiculed by what could be a lot of people in the other club." Believe me; ATTITUDE, will win that contest , any day. Sure, it takes work to get it to that point. But it's worth every ounce of it. Whats more - YOU - can do it.
Get your teeth done now; wait for HRT to kick in; THEN see if you need FFS. Don't be surprised if you don't need it. Just have a look around people here, and see what HRT, hair, makeup and a good deal of attitude does for them. It's there for you; and you can do it.
P.S. Start to learn to cry; it's great therapy. Commence developing your attitude now; and get hold of that therapist. BTW, I loved the idea about the brain transplant. Might be something to work on in the future. If I see a great woman in the street, I might ask her if she wants to do a brain swap LOL
Let us know how you are coping and keep in touch. Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa luv
Catherine
P.P.S. Any FTM's want to do a brain swap with LIG? (Sorry; I should learn to control and behave myself)