My partner killed herself about a month ago.

She had been abused as a child, and then kicked from her home at 16 for being a lesbian. She was homeless for awile, and had been raped and badly taken advantage of. I saw inside of her the most beautiful soul I've ever known, and all I wanted in the world was to give her a little bit of joy, and to show her that this world could be beautiful. She had such a brilliant mind, and I used to listen to her talk for hours. I've never been much of a talker, but I love listening to others and I loved listening to her the most. We were such a perfect fit in that way.

Now what do I have? I try to put on a cheerful face but I feel so empty inside. I feel so cold without her. All I have of her now is a single photo, and a few Terraria saved worlds she made that I will never delete.

I am so thankful for having known her. She gave me the courage to transition... she had this way with words. She always made me feel safe and loved, whatever the situation.

Ever since she died, I've thought about how if I ever find another partner I would want to adopt an lgbt child to make sure that child has a good home. I don't want anyone to have to go through what Emily did.

Lily, I can't imagine what you're going through.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

*hugggggggs*

I will be ok, I just need a few months to get back to my old self. I try to keep in mind that a lot of people have things far worse than I do, and that I should be thankful for what I do still have.

No matter how beautiful and feminine one may appear. There are always going to be turmoil whether they want to acknowledge it or not. I know I've had people say horrible stuff about me... But rather than letting it depress me, I stepped back...analyzed the situation and became more grounded in reality.

At the end of the day, I realize... I am pretty. But some people can tell...some people know and my past will eternally haunt me. I feel it has made me a stronger person. It has made me self accept myself and work harder on certain things. Whether we're stealth or not, we all need to accept that we are women born transsexuals. I think this causes some issues with people.

I don't think suicide is ever an option. But it is a last resort for many.

You have my deepest sympathies. It's unfortunate that the world can be so cruel that someone would see suicide as the only remaining option. I've also noticed that these things seem to happen in waves; a friend of mine also lost a friend to suicide last night and I think the friend was trans...although I'm not positive.

At any rate, just try to hang on to the good memories and let the rest go. The pain may never completely go away, but it will fade, and life will go on. Ultimately, our loved ones can never die as long as we keep them in our hearts.

And to anyone who is in such dire straits, please use those numbers posted earlier or find someone here to talk with. The world is a dark enough place already without losing such beautiful people.

*big hugs for anyone who needs one*

:3

 
    Thanks everyone for your kind words. I attended her viewing today and it was really emotional. Her mother was crying uncontrollably saying "Danielle I accept you this way please forgive me" over and over again, it was very depressing. I overheard someone saying that most of her family didn't accept her this way and completely stopped talking to her. I don't know if this is the reason why she did it but it struck a cord with me cuz my family treated me the same way.


    I personally don't think suicide is the way to go but at the same time I think in some peoples situation they're not given much of a choice which makes it seem like they have no other options.

Forever21 I have lost loved ones to suicide and I know how it feels. My best wishes to you and please post here at the boards if you need to vent. We do care for you.

*hugs tight*

Forever21Chic and Jainie. My profound condolences to you both; and to anyone else who has been touched by such horrendously tragic events.

Cindy's' advice covered all bases. There is no embarrassment or shame to call for help. We do need watch out for one another.

Caitlin's' advice is absolutely essential. If the numbers she detailed don't suit your country or locality; find them. Everyone needs these contact details on them at all times, on there phone or purse/wallet/handbag, whatever.

We need to take 'random acts of kindness' to a whole new level. We need to know the warning signs. We need to text, PM, email, call, message, post, chat, FB, twitter, 4 square, (whatever social media) meet, regularly check, anyone we even think remotely looks like taking their life; a simple message of Love.  -  You could be the one bringing someone back from the brink, without even knowing it.

We are all brothers and sisters here in this community at Susan's. We have a duty of care, to be aware of those within this community, who are of that persuasion. As well as our friends and family outside.

Hold the sweet fond memories of those Loved Ones in your hearts forever.

Catherine

->-bleeped-<-, I'm really sorry honey.  I can't imagine how you must be feeling, but my heart goes out to you.  If you ever need to talk to somebody, just PM me.

My friend commited suicide when she was 14- 3 weeks away from her 15th birthday, she told me once that she felt confused about her sexual orientation. She was a gorgeous young girl and many people probably would have never guessed  that she felt that way. She was vey feminine and everything, no hint whatsoever. Sexual orientation is not necessarily the same as being transgender but i believe they are shared struggles. This happened 3 years ago when i was 17- and i still remember her fondly like i just saw her yesterday or something. She left behind many people who loved and cared about her and i think most people in her life would have accepted her the way she was, she even has a surviving twin sister that i havent talked to for almost a year but i know she still hurts from it, the last time i talked to her last year she told me that she started doing drugs. I also have experience with suicide attempts, i almost succeeded once when i was 16 yrs old i overdosed but i got to the hospital in time to get the stuff sucked out, i saw how much grief i had caused my mom and family and i honestly felt bad but i didnt take away my desire to die. Although im not transgender i relate in the way that i dont feel like i am the person i should've been, and im definitely not happy with myself or body- most of the time i see someone else in the mirror and i definitely dont like her. It could all be stress and anxiety but i know how painful it can be to feel that way. Im torn though sometimes it feels like that is the way out- but it just depends on the person 

unfortunately, it happens all the time and society in general is to blame.  we are discriminated against, assaulted, made fun of and many other things.  Healthcare (in general) has little or no formal education on transgender issues which doesnt help either.  transition can cost a fortune which may be a source of depression as well.......the fear of being stuck midway in transition can be over whelming

My heart goes out to everyone who's lost anybody to the weight of oppression we all face in this world. In counselling I often mention suicidal thoughts, and before the session ends they always ask, "Are you going to be ok?".

"Probably."

None of us deserve these things. No one deserves to feel like they're wrong or sick or evil or ugly for just being themselves. We need to stick together, I'm glad there's this forum full of people to chat with. The tools we need to get by are out there, it's a matter of who gets what they need and when. The LGBT community has saved my life many times over. Everyone needs to realize that they're perfect just the way they are. And the community is a safe space where we can hear those voices that differ from the nagging ones in our head. In the community you can find people who will actually say you're gorgeous when you've been putting yourself down in your head all day.

If there's somehow anything I can do for those that need emotional support etc, feel free to message me <3

My family doesn't want me. I was homeless at a young age. No one has ever been around to help with my child. People keep telling me how cruel it is to her that I'm transitioning. Lovers don't want this kind of baggage. I moved to a new city four years ago, and I'm still not close to anyone, except for an ex who kind of just pities me and feels obligated to help sometimes. I don't know how to get out of poverty. I don't even know how to drive a car. I live with chronic pain from multiple injuries and surgeries, and I'm still in debt for the medical care. I do not judge anyone who is suicidal. I've seen how things are hard.

And that's the kind of self-pitying list of troubles I have no right to recite. I have serious obligations, and I will never kill myself. I have to take care of my daughter, and also I feel I need to repay society for all the times that charity or good advice or music saved my life.

I've had friends kill themselves. My grandma and her son killed themselves (years apart), and my dad found the bodies. I understand it can seem selfish. It does hurt people. But none of the living experienced whatever drove them to it, so maybe we should be careful when formulating our opinions on it.

I have strong feelings here though, and I'm trying my damnedest not to be so angry at people who carry it out.

Quote from: Felix on October 14, 2011, 12:08:51 AM
My family doesn't want me. I was homeless at a young age. No one has ever been around to help with my child. People keep telling me how cruel it is to her that I'm transitioning. Lovers don't want this kind of baggage. I moved to a new city four years ago, and I'm still not close to anyone, except for an ex who kind of just pities me and feels obligated to help sometimes. I don't know how to get out of poverty. I don't even know how to drive a car. I live with chronic pain from multiple injuries and surgeries, and I'm still in debt for the medical care. I do not judge anyone who is suicidal. I've seen how things are hard.

And that's the kind of self-pitying list of troubles I have no right to recite. I have serious obligations, and I will never kill myself. I have to take care of my daughter, and also I feel I need to repay society for all the times that charity or good advice or music saved my life.

I've had friends kill themselves. My grandma and her son killed themselves (years apart), and my dad found the bodies. I understand it can seem selfish. It does hurt people. But none of the living experienced whatever drove them to it, so maybe we should be careful when formulating our opinions on it.

I have strong feelings here though, and I'm trying my damnedest not to be so angry at people who carry it out.

that which does not destroy us only makes us stronger!