Androgyny. It's a difficult concept for me to wrap my head around. The thought of being neither male nor female is mind-boggling. Nothing like it is seen in society. At least, not that I've seen. And yet, the idea of identifying as either male or female does not sit well with me at all. I was just today having a bout of anger at this whole confusion. But, when I thought about me being androgyne, I felt one thing: peace. For a moment, I did not feel any internal conflict. At least not until I brought conscious doubt into it.
Doubts, you may ask? What is this person talking about? Well, what I neglected to tell in my other posts here is that the consuler seemed to all but reject the idea that I may be androgyny. She seemed to think that the idea of me being an androgynous pansexual was a little weird, and she basically convinced me (temporarily) that I was just a typical male who happened to be neither all that masculine or feminine. For a week it worked. But then the pendulum swung violently the other way, and I convinced myself that I was a MtF. But, no matter what, there always seemed to be something off about that.
Its funny, really. In countries such as India, the idea of a third gender is perfectly normal, and they are fully functioning members of society. But in the "progressive" West, while people at least seem to acknowledge, if not embrace, the idea that people can be transgender, they look at you like you have 5 heads if you tell them that you are neither male nor female.
It explains why my dysphoria is not that strong, but still haunts me on occasion. It explains why I don't totally hate my male body, like most MtFs (and FtMs on the other side) seem to. And while I say it's still to early to call this a definite, it's the one, in my head, that makes the most sense.
I'm sorry if I have caused any confusion to my fellow peers. I know that I've drifted from Androgyne, to possible MtF, and back at Androgyne again. Hopefully we can avoid drifting around again this time.
