So this is something that I've been trying to get through by myself for quite a while now, and I really sort of feel like I need to rant out a little bit. Now, by 'Getting through this,' what I really mean is trying to ignore it, and it's just not working. So, I don't know if any of you have gathered this from my past posts, but I'm quite a romantic, if I have to be honest. And at this point, I'm becoming a very desperate romantic which is starting to get me into a fair amount of emotional trouble. If I have to sum up my romances thus far; I'll say, I've officially dated one guy, and three girls, and I've had a few flings. Bare in mind, during this flings, nothing really happened - though I am slutty enough to at least kiss on the first date...meeting, rather. But I'll be frank. I'm a virgin, a god-damned 21 year old virgin x__X I shouldn't freak over this, I know that, but sometimes, it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me ( I hate when I see ugly people with really sexy people and I wonder...so does this mean that I'm just ->-bleeped-<-ing hideous, or that I'm a complete and total prick. If it's not my looks that's scaring them away, then it's my 'charming' personality, right? )

Anyway...The real point of this thread *Other than bitching* Is this question...

How many of you out there have wanted to 'give up' being trans because you're afraid of being alone for the rest of your life?

Now, I've never been very lucky in love or hell, even lust, but I can't help but feel that the trans issue is making it even harder to find a date. Firstly, I like women, but the only girls who like me right now *Since I don't pass* happen to be lesbians, and then I tell them that I want a dick, and then they mysteriously 'loose my phone-number,' Secondly, the only people hitting on me happen to be men, usually straight men, and I try to convince them that I don't date men, but this usually back-fires because when I'm scared or intimidated by men, they interpret it as hitting on them. And also, yes I'd love to find a nice trans-girl, or even a trans-guy, but I can't seem to find any in my area...so they feel really out of the question.

It's just so frustrating.

But I really do want someone there that I can really get to know. I don't know what it's like to want to be with someone twenty-four seven, I don't know what it's like to really trust someone, or get to the point where you know that the other is thinking. I want that type of closeness, and I'd do anything to get it. I get jealous of my friends who are dating, because I worry that I'll never even get that chance. And I don't want to die alone. Sure, I don't want to get married, or have kids, but I don't want to miss out on everything in between.

I'm very proud of being trans, it makes me happy - but lately, the lack of love-life has been making me miserable.

I've come so far into my transition, and it's almost been half a year, people don't see me or respect me as a man, but I don't feel sick with myself when I see myself in a mirror anymore. I feel like such a whining bitch right now, and I know that I should go see my therapist, but I don't have the money. A support group would be nice, but everytime that I've driven down to my local Pride Center, I start hyperventalating from my social anxiety and then I can't even get myself out of the car.

In the same token, even if I stopped my transition, it's no guarantee that I'd find someone who could put up with me. I'd be accepted by my family again, but I'd go back to hating myself. Weighing my options, I don't like any of them. Am I really asking for too much wanting to just be who I am and finding someone who'd be happy to grow old with me? Sometimes, I feel greedy.

No, I don't think being trans makes me unworthy of anything. There's nothing wrong with being trans, but society has a long way to go with accepting us as we are. It's that lack of acceptance that makes life harder, not being trans itself, imo.

Quote from: GentlemanRDP on October 15, 2011, 03:23:17 PM
I've come so far into my transition, and it's almost been half a year, people don't see me or respect me as a man, but I don't feel sick with myself when I see myself in a mirror anymore. I feel like such a whining bitch right now, and I know that I should go see my therapist, but I don't have the money. A support group would be nice, but everytime that I've driven down to my local Pride Center, I start hyperventalating from my social anxiety and then I can't even get myself out of the car.

I can totally relate to that and I'm sure there are others, too. I have had horrible anxiety attacks in most social situations (including school, work, going to people's houses etc.) almost the majority of my life now. It can be totally debilitating and the first few times I tried to go to a support group I did a similar thing to you, except there was no car. I walked into the building, walked around a bit trying to get the courage to go into the room, then walked back out feeling completely pissed off at myself for chickening out. For me it has nothing to do with worrying necessarily about what people will say to me. I just have this irrational fear of "the worst" happening, or being trapped in certain social situations where leaving will somehow be embarrassing. It's hard to explain.

Eventually you just have to ask yourself if it's worse to risk whatever "might happen" in the group, or if it's worse to live the rest of your life feeling like you have no support, sense of community or people to go hang out with if you feel like ->-bleeped-<-. Facing yourself with that possibility might be enough to push yourself to go to the group. In the end it's completely worth it to force yourself to go to a support group. For me what helped meet people who were more accepting whether as friends or relationship, is to start going to events geared towards trans and queer people. I know tons of queer girls and lesbians who date/have dated transguys without seeing them as girls. You're more likely to find the accepting ones in that kind of place.

Quote from: GentlemanRDP on October 15, 2011, 03:23:17 PM
So this is something that I've been trying to get through by myself for quite a while now, and I really sort of feel like I need to rant out a little bit. Now, by 'Getting through this,' what I really mean is trying to ignore it, and it's just not working. So, I don't know if any of you have gathered this from my past posts, but I'm quite a romantic, if I have to be honest. And at this point, I'm becoming a very desperate romantic which is starting to get me into a fair amount of emotional trouble. If I have to sum up my romances thus far; I'll say, I've officially dated one guy, and three girls, and I've had a few flings. Bare in mind, during this flings, nothing really happened - though I am slutty enough to at least kiss on the first date...meeting, rather. But I'll be frank. I'm a virgin, a god-damned 21 year old virgin x__X I shouldn't freak over this, I know that, but sometimes, it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me ( I hate when I see ugly people with really sexy people and I wonder...so does this mean that I'm just ->-bleeped-<-ing hideous, or that I'm a complete and total prick. If it's not my looks that's scaring them away, then it's my 'charming' personality, right? )

I will tell you what my doctor said when I asked why he where so far one of these few doctors who dared to give homones to me,
he told me "people are scared, they rather stay safe than be looked down on"
now there got these case in my country on a doctor who might get punish for making sex chance surgery on a young person have made rage in the country because people are agenst him doing so, I am afraid how it will infect my country and the people so far who are transgendered and I guess its first now I understand what he ment.

the situation on this for making surgery is the same for me and relationship,
people say I am handsome, they say I am cute, and a good person, all nice thing, and some say they dont understnd why im single.. hehe flirty..
but the trust is I know most people are afraid of me.
not of me, but of what I am, and there afraid of people questinating them for being with me.

my ex boyfriend could never be honest about his relation with me, he said it would hurt him if people found out,
thats one of the reason why I broke up with him, because I didnt like to be a secret.
other people all refuse to go in relationship, as soon they found out I was trans simple of fear.

many people who make relationship arnt doing it on love but as a norm way of thinking, this is how its suposed to be,
there somehow seam to be a pride in these kinda relationship but theres no pride in people people will look you down on.

the girlfriend/boyfriend thing sound nice but I would say its only 30% who is what I belive as trustfully, many of the relationship seam kinda fake, and I know the relationship my ex had been into have been mostly and alone because that was what where expected of him, that a young man should have a pretty girl,
these kind of things who are hidding in peoples mind.

people who really love each other are hard to find, but people who do so also love transgender people, they love people as who they are not as what they think there friends will think of them.

NO I havent thought I wouldnt be loved because I was trans,
but I know many wont admit it because there afraid, like a 40 year old would fint it hard to admit if he falled in love with a 19 year old.
and I also felt sad because I felt I cause pain to people who would love me.
thats been bugging me more, I dont feel so sad of being alone, it somehow something you get use to as being trans.

whats really buggin me is if I even get someone who love me would they be honest to be open about it,
and if yes, would it cause them pain?

I dont want people to be in pain, I like to protect the people I care about.

Quote from: GentlemanRDP on October 15, 2011, 03:23:17 PM
How many of you out there have wanted to 'give up' being trans because you're afraid of being alone for the rest of your life?

In the same token, even if I stopped my transition, it's no guarantee that I'd find someone who could put up with me. I'd be accepted by my family again, but I'd go back to hating myself. Weighing my options, I don't like any of them. Am I really asking for too much wanting to just be who I am and finding someone who'd be happy to grow old with me? Sometimes, I feel greedy.

I have felt sometimes that transition isn't worth it because I'd be alone. The world tries to make us feel like there is something wrong with us, and to people that are fairly impressionable (me!)...it works. Then, I also realized that even if I wasn't trans...I am a lot to deal with. Especially when I was suicidal all the time because of not transitioning. My gf pretty much said...its me or transition....which lead to me being suicial...which lead to me being too much to deal with anyway. Eventually my attitude changed to f everyone else, it's my life, I'm going to do whatever I need to do to be able to survive it. To me, transitioning=the only way to survive life. I think being trans makes dating a little more complicated, but I feel that now that I am out about being trans and slowly growing more comfortable with it, I will have the ability to be a better partner when I do find someone to be with.

Sometimes I think that by pursuing transition, that I am ->-bleeped-<-ing up chances I have to be with people and have a 'normal' life. I'm attracted to guys, and I think I would have an easier life as a straight girl.

But then I remember that I fail at trying to act like a normal female (on so many levels, it's actually pretty pathetic), that I'd probably go back to feeling like ->-bleeped-<- all the time and being unable to keep any long lasting friendships, and I remember that even when I was wearing mostly feminine clothes and had long hair, that I wasn't exactly reeling in the boys anyway.

Things might be a little more complicated for me down the road, and I've thought about this with a completely realist lens on the situation. But things would be a lot more ->-bleeped-<-ty otherwise.

I've lived as a gay female for over a year now. I've still not had a girlfriend. I think that the LGBT community is pretty small as it is and even some gay/lesbians etc have issues finding people. Hell, so do some straight cisgendered people! For the most part, I'm content being single, but I do get down about it sometimes. I think I would rather be with someone who accepted me for who I am than someone who I am not.

I don't feel that I shouldn't have transitioned, not even in the slightest. It's what I always hoped for, and now that it's a reality I constantly think about how lucky I am... relatively speaking. I would not even have any romantic chances if I didn't transition, because I fit so horribly into my female body that I literally had no friends and couldn't speak to anybody because of the shame and anxiety it caused me.

Now that I have socially transitioned, and am going through physical transition, I already entered into my first real relationship in my entire life, so I know I am getting a grip of myself for the first time ever. I have confidence, and I am no longer anxious, at least to the extent I used to be.

But... I sometimes feel like a freak. I can find flaws in my body that I feel like I will never come to terms with, or that will "give me away," or I'll think everyone I meet must be confused and wondering whether I'm a boy or a girl. I get these feelings even though I've passed pretty much consistently for almost an entire year now.

Intellectually I know that my worrying is in vain, and even if everything I thought was true, that doesn't make me any less of a person, and it doesn't take away my rights to be treated as such. I also know that no matter how bad I think I look now, I was at my worst when I was trying to be female, and I will NEVER be able to go that low again.

But it's hard to apply that to real life, at times.

It seems to me a bunch of people on here have girlfriends or boyfriends or are married or have sex buddies or any number of kinds of relationships. So I really don't think that being trans means you won't ever find anyone - plenty of people do.

I never transitioned and basically ended up getting married (legally!) to a guy whom, yes, I do love in a certain way but is more a friend. It suits me because he happens to be genuinely asexual and physical relationships make me stressed out. Early on (before we got married) he knew I had more of a sex drive than he did (even though it does stress me out) and basically gave me a "free pass" to get with other people (and yes, I do in fact like girls way more than guys - with guys I would mess around but wouldn't want to go all the way with) and I made a half ass attempt at that because I had two girl friends that were willing to go there but I ended up chickening out ... and feeling bad on top of it.

If you don't have a lot of body issues and sexual hang ups, I'd say you're way better off than some of us!

Also the being a virgin at 21 - I don't see one thing wrong with that - especially now, when having sex could literally kill you (or make you pregnant, or give you a nasty disease, etc. etc.). Never mind the emotional aspect of it all.

It's also certainly possible to feel love from another person without having sex.

I think above all, it's not a trans thing - you're not "unworthy" of being loved - and it's not a race. All my friends who ended up with their respective "soul mates" pretty much had tried to rush relationships or force it with the wrong person or at the wrong time in their lives, but then they pretty much just said to hell with it and stopped beating themselves up about it, etc. and soon enough the right person just fell into their life. A couple of these people were over 30 when it happened too. I think there is someone for everyone out there, but if you try to force it, it will never feel right.

I feel like that a lot. I find myself wanting to not transition so I won't lose my partner. He's straight, but fluid, but he seems unsure of what he likes and how much change I could undergo and still be sexually attractive to him. Being grey-asexual and demiromantic, it's hard for me to find partners I'm attracted to, and chances are small that any attraction will be mutual. I'm scared enough that I'll die alone even as a pretty girl, and being trans just serves to complicate matters.

I know that if I didn't transition and I was simply like "normal guys" that I would have no trouble finding a partner.... I would just be happy being an accountant and have a normal life and kids and live and die.

But, that isn't me. Sure, there are less options out there for us because we are trans... but everything comes with upsides and downsides.

I am very proud to be trans. I think it is extremely beautiful (mentally). Being able to see beyond the narrow gender stereotypes of society and finally being able to reject them to simply be who we are? Most people don't come anywhere close to that.

I feel like I am very "worthy" of being loved. I am a kind and good person. I am fun to be around and understanding. I'm extremely honest and hard working... a creative thinker and artist. I would make some guy a GREAT partner (and definitely make a great friend).

I'm not a mass produced average quality "girl" (or boy)... those are easy to find, go look anywhere and you can get the happy meal of people on any street corner. I'm rare, like caviar (because of being trans along with everything else my life has been like). Sure, not everyone loves caviar... but there are enough out there who can appreciate it.

The only issue is how I look at myself and the standards I have towards myself before I am comfortable dating someone. I have had a handful of boyfriends (before starting transition) and they all ended the same... me becoming uncomfortable with my body and ending things because I couldn't stand thinking I was letting them down. It might be trans related, I don't know. But having fewer relationships and being less experienced is just another rare quality that adds to who I am. 

Thanks for your opinions so far everyone, I really appreciate it.

@Natkat; I'm sorry that your country's like that. I wish you the best!

Sometimes I do think "oh, I should just not transition so I can have more chances, since I could easily get with a lesbian." But it's usually fleeting. Lots of people date transpeople. Lots of people who say they could "never" do it might feel a ton differently when love enters the equation. Love is pretty powerful. I'd much rather wait longer to find a partner and find someone who loves me for who I am.

@Caseyy; It's good to know that I'm not alone in my thought process then! Yeah, the more I look around this forum, I've sort of realized that, but it just seems like I don't have a lot of trans people in my area. I live in an extremely religious state, and even when they do exist, they usually supress it for years, just like I did. I can't seem to find any open ones. Hmm...Yeah...that's true, I dunno, I just find it extremely intimidating, imaging myself as like thirty or forty and finally getting to that point and having no idea what to do. I feel like being clueless is understandable when you're younger, y'know? But I'm definitely aware that rushing into it is a bad idea.

I have felt sometimes that transition isn't worth it because I'd be alone. The world tries to make us feel like there is something wrong with us, and to people that are fairly impressionable (me!)...it works. Then, I also realized that even if I wasn't trans...I am a lot to deal with. Especially when I was suicidal all the time because of not transitioning. My gf pretty much said...its me or transition....which lead to me being suicial...which lead to me being too much to deal with anyway. Eventually my attitude changed to f everyone else, it's my life, I'm going to do whatever I need to do to be able to survive it. To me, transitioning=the only way to survive life. I think being trans makes dating a little more complicated, but I feel that now that I am out about being trans and slowly growing more comfortable with it, I will have the ability to be a better partner when I do find someone to be with.

@JesseO; You definitely sound a lot like me. I hope I can get to the same point that you are. Also, your cat (I think that's a cat,) Is absolutely adorable.

@Bradd; Yeah, I know how you feel, that's exactly how I've thought about it as well.

@Darrin; Well, that's certainly true, and I know how you feel, I'm not keen on being with someone who doesn't respect and accept who I really am, but I do still think the trans thing happens to work against some people - especially in certain communities. I can't feel that I'd have more luck in San Fran xD

@Julian; I can imagine that it would be even more stressful when you have a partner, I do hope that everything stays peachy between you two. Best of luck!

I think I missed some people o.o; but I still appreciate all of your comments!

When I made decision about transitioning I was scared I'd be alone but now that I have the time and distance I realise that I wouldn't want to be with a partner who wouldn't love me if I was trans.

Here's the way I see it: it's my life and I should be able to pursue my happiness. Mine is not an easy one, but I've really got no choice but to play the cards I'm dealt. I couldn't prevent being trans, therefore I've done nothing wrong except choose to be open and try for a life that I could be happy with. It'll be harder to find someone, sure, but nothing has come easy to me. Besides, I'd rather be without a relationship than be in one that's crappy or bad for me. I don't need anyone else to complete me and I already have friends and family so I know I'm not unloved. It's an issue, but it's not something that would ever make me regret my transitioning.

24 year old virgin checking in 
I tried to date when I was trying to convince myself I could be happy being a "pretty girl."  That was miserable, and I decided to just not date after a few attempts.  Now that I have myself more figured out, I can actually see myself wanting to be with another person, and I know that if I were to go back to presenting myself as a girl I could never manage a real relationship.  For me, not transitioning would be the surest way to guarantee that I end up alone.

Edit: I realized that I didn't really answer the question.  This may just be my ego talking, but I feel like I would make a damn good boyfriend and husband.  I'm going to go ahead and hope that someone will see that and, if my gender is an issue to them, find that my good points add up to more than what's in my pants detracts.

I'm sorry your having trouble GentlemanRDP, I've read your other threads and can see how it's a rough time lately.

Really to answer your questions though I'm a lot like Superrad. Difference is that I had a partner on and off for five years. I was out as trans to her and it was hard. My situation was a lot more complicated but to shorten it immensely in the end even if she would not have left me it wouldn't have worked out. She was supposedly a "lesbian" who didn't want to be with me because I wanted to transition but left me for a guy (guessing you can see how that would screw with my head a little bit) and it did make me wonder if I would be lonely forever if I transitioned. Here's the conclusion I came to.

I can't love someone entirely if I cannot love myself. I cannot love myself until I can see the person on the outside matching the guy I am on the inside. If a person cannot handle that, then I understand, but I would rather be alone forever than pretend to be someone I am not. (Note: I'm not putting down anyone who does not transition due to a partner or any other reason. This is just my opinion for myself).

Lee, how in the (not allowed) did you manage to basically say what took me an entire end paragraph in like 2 sentences!   

Do I feel unworthy?
Well,
Let's see. I have 3 stepsisters I have met only once in my life. They live in Australia now I think. My dad has been to see them twice. He has only seen me and his grandson once in over 12 years. 2 of them are now engaged which in all likelihood means another trip down under. Frankly, I think I have been replaced. Why have anything to do with your freakish child who wants to be your daughter when you can have 3 very beautiful non- transgender daughters.

So you decide how that feels and if that qualifies as feeling unworthy to be loved.

I did feel like that a few times over the last six months of being full-time, but realised I was alone pre-transition so what's the difference?

I figured out that  I am a pretty amazing person, and worth only the best, so I will wait for the right person.  Although if some cute lady wants to try and change my mind in the meantime I would no doubt fail to resist temptation. 

Karen.

I don't feel "unworthy" so much as "improperly equipped."  I'm attracted to gay men. I want them to be attracted to me as a gay man, but unfortunately, I'm persistently chick-shaped. My body's enough of a turn-off to me that I assume it will also be a turn-off to other men.

If I were not in a steady relationship already, I think I still would transition. Anyone being attracted to my body the way it is now is utterly repulsive. I'd rather be a messed-up lonely man than a messed-up lonely woman. 

As it is, I've been pleasantly surprised by my partner's understanding and ability to be attracted to me in the way I want him to be attracted. It makes me feel like I won't be alone. Even if, for some reason in the future I don't have him, I like to believe there are other men out there who can look past the packaging.

i kinda feel like i should jump on every chance i get. which i hate because its not me, im a hopeless romantic.

I think long term any relationship is NOT going to work unless you are true to yourself and can be yourself, and your significant other accepts you as your true self.

I personally could not date during transition.  Even though I was thrilled beyond belief at how my life was finally on track, I had to devote a lot of energy into myself.  It is a pretty selfish period.  Lots of people manage to do it; a few guys I know had several girlfriends during that time.  I couldn't.

You need to do what is right for you, and find someone that accepts you for who you really are.


Jay

Quote from: xAndrewx on October 16, 2011, 02:02:11 AM
I can't love someone entirely if I cannot love myself. I cannot love myself until I can see the person on the outside matching the guy I am on the inside. If a person cannot handle that, then I understand, but I would rather be alone forever than pretend to be someone I am not.

This pretty much sums it up. :3