My wife and I have been trying to "come clean" and let people know we are trans, but so far my wife has told three people (a friend in the army, her cousin, and her brother) with results that make me hesitant to do the same.

The main thing I have been thinking lately is telling the only family on my side I have left, my daughter. She is 33, has a hubby, 4kids, and is VERY religious. She has told me (few years ago) that me and all my friends are going to hell because I was on a site called Second life and played as a white tiger. But I will save you from the details of that long story

What has been on my mind is the question if I should tell her I am trans before I start the process towards my srs or wait till I have started. Or do I just stay in touch with her and continue to be "mom" from a distance, or just stop being part of her life so I don't hurt her and her family with the news I am a man instead of the mother she grew up with. I want to respect her, so do I have the right to make this decision for her

At this point she knows nothing of my personal life other than I am married, live in a state outside of hers, and that I have a job. 

dosen't the bible (as well as many other religions) say that you should honer your parrents?
--
I won't say what you should do since im not good with religion.
will only wish you good luck..

sorry for not being so helpfull,

thanx for your post, and the bible (and other religions) do state to honor your mother and father. Sadly the argument I have heard on that is that after they have had the srs, they are no longer their mother or father, so they don't feel they have to honor them and I am just afraid that my daughter will go that route. I will be hurt if she decides to cut me out of her life, I will respect her decision, I just am looking for advice on when I should tell her about it.

Even her turning her back on me would not change my need to be who I am inside and out.

Ohhh Sollan,
Hard call at the best of times. Regrettably you know your daughter better than all of us put together. Particularly she being 'religious'. My experience has shown me, a lot of biblical Christians are only too happy to take any quote from the 'good book' out of context and hurl it at you, to please themselves. I don't wish to be offensive here, that is just my own personal experience; which includes being asked to leave two churches because of my gender identity. If I offend anyone, please accept my sincere apologies.

Meanwhile, back to your daughter. I'm in a similar boat. As to the logistics on how, when, where and why I and what I divulge to siblings is very much a case by case situation.

I wouldn't be too concerned about the application of the 5th commandment. As regrettably, yet again they have never been relevent to secular society and are a fading tenement within institutional religion.

The only guide I can see as being some vague form of assistance here is how you nurtured your daughter. If you identified yourself as the man when you raised your daughter, you would have nurtured her in that context and would know the best way to approach her based on that nurturing. If on the other hand you identified yourself as woman at that time, the nurturing would have been more consistant with mother/daughter relationship, to which I'm sadly lacking.

Whichever way you do it, there will be shock, anger, denial, grieving, pain and disassociation in some form or another. In much the same way I see my dilemma with my wife. I can either start dialogue and go through all those feeling mentioned above; or leap out of hospital one day and say "Ta-da" Guess what I've got? It's just like yours! And wait for the response; which may be the same as above, on a greater magnitude.

You know your daughter, you know your journey. You will know what is right. Sorry I couldn't have been more helpful. Just know you are loved by all of us here.
Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa luv
Catherine

I appreciated your post, Catherine.

I started thinking how I nurtured my daughter, and a sad truth is that she will be able to accept that I am a man, but more than likely, she will dissociate me from her life, if was just her and her husband, she would prolly be able to cope and keep me in her life, but with 4 kids (whom she protects from every little thing) it is not likely.

Also have been thinking of my stand on freedom of choice, not sure where her belief falls on that, but this is on me. It basically comes down to I have to tell her before I , start the hormones, to allow her to make her choice.  But I think she holds freedom of choice loosely, she will let her husband make his own choice, do her best to influence his decision, and make all of her children's choices (like I said, she protects them from life)

And it will break my heart.

sorry for all that, thanx for listening to me

Dear Sollan,

It always saddens me the aspect of death that pervades this journey. I feel your pain of the impending loss of you daughter and her family. You have made the right choice; and although we all hope for the best; in reality we must expect the worst.

At least there is a very positive aspect that is very refreshing; and that's the point you made that your daughter will be able to accept you as a man. Hopefully in time, wisdom will prevail, and she is able to draw strength from that, in understanding the enormous amount of courage faith and resolve you have gone through in doing what you know is right.

What we as a community go through is not a choice. It may be perceived by those on the outside that it's all choice, but nothing is further from the truth. What we are doing is answering that incessant call of nature which pervades us 24/7, to correct a biological state that is in-congruent. Similar to how our children 'nag' us when going on a trip. The moment they are in the car, not even out of the driveway comes the; "Are we there yet?" call.

Sollan, take courage in the fact you are doing the right thing. Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping. Remember you are a much loved member here, and we are here for you.

Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa luv
Catherine

Quote from: Sollan on October 16, 2011, 09:30:16 AM
My wife and I have been trying to "come clean" and let people know we are trans, but so far my wife has told three people (a friend in the army, her cousin, and her brother) with results that make me hesitant to do the same.

The main thing I have been thinking lately is telling the only family on my side I have left, my daughter. She is 33, has a hubby, 4kids, and is VERY religious. She has told me (few years ago) that me and all my friends are going to hell because I was on a site called Second life and played as a white tiger. But I will save you from the details of that long story

What has been on my mind is the question if I should tell her I am trans before I start the process towards my srs or wait till I have started. Or do I just stay in touch with her and continue to be "mom" from a distance, or just stop being part of her life so I don't hurt her and her family with the news I am a man instead of the mother she grew up with. I want to respect her, so do I have the right to make this decision for her

At this point she knows nothing of my personal life other than I am married, live in a state outside of hers, and that I have a job.

Ok honestly in this situation I am thinking it may be best to tell her now.
This is why: If you tell her now then she might still try to associate with you at least to convince you not to go into it and that might give you time to work with her. One of the largest concerns with children is that if others know it will tarnish them... so I would first off before even telling her tell her you have something to say and that you promise that it is ok if no one else has to know about it but that you love her and don't want to lose her...

The bible only says it is wrong to have gay sex (man not bed with man, woman not bed with woman) So as long as you don't have sex it is ok to be gay...
And as Far as TG goes the bible does not say what constitutes gender or sex... (maybe not the best argument but hey...)

Quote from: Abstract on October 16, 2011, 11:57:33 PM
The bible only says it is wrong to have gay sex (man not bed with man, woman not bed with woman) So as long as you don't have sex it is ok to be gay...
And as Far as TG goes the bible does not say what constitutes gender or sex... (maybe not the best argument but hey...)

Well seeing as he is married to his MTF wife *aka me  * and I'm going to go thru the transition myself I don't really see how that arguement can stand.

If they say it's gay based off of his current gender then they have to acknowledge my current gender. If they base it off of his true gender then they have to acknowledge my true gender. So unless the issue of divorce comes up. *Which is strongly unlikely*....

Quote from: Gadgett on October 17, 2011, 04:53:20 AM
Well seeing as he is married to his MTF wife *aka me  * and I'm going to go thru the transition myself I don't really see how that arguement can stand.

If they say it's gay based off of his current gender then they have to acknowledge my current gender. If they base it off of his true gender then they have to acknowledge my true gender. So unless the issue of divorce comes up. *Which is strongly unlikely*....

Indeed so all that can be attempted as an argument is, "well, god doesn't like 'different'(weird) people..." I'm sure if it was really relevent anyways it would have been discussed explicitly... and i don't see any moral principle being wronged...

I am glad to have all this input, thanx everyone.

I have absolutely no idea how to brooch this subject with my daughter. It is going to take alot of thought, but it is actually a bit of a weight off my shoulders to have decided to let her know.

Just an update on what happenend.

My wife and I called my daughter on the phone, she is very hard to get a hold of because she works 6 to 7  days a week, my wife spoke to her first, to re-enforce my love and respect for her. We told her as tactfully as we could, she said she was in shock but that she would still talk to us on facebook, but that her husband would never accept it, and that her children will never be told. We also told her I would always be her mother, because I raised her as her mother, did want to change that fact, I am not her father, don't want to be. Pretty good we thought........ We then checked the messages on facebook the next day and her account is there but we can no longer leave posts.

She is on a diet and she lost over 20 pounds so far, so I went to leave her a grats, at first I received an error, then it seemed to go up. but when I check the next day, it was not there. I think we have been blocked from her account. I may be wrong, but with our coming out to her, my thought is that once the shock wore off, that she decided that she is unable to deal with it 

I am relieved that we told her, but my heart is aching knowing I may have lost her for good, and that I may be dead to her now

Dear Sollan,

I'm really so sorry to hear that the news didn't go too well. Be reassured that time can work wonders. just consider the fact your daughter is in shock and hopefully moves through the grieving process quickly. Grieving is a manageable process that takes time. I'm inclined to say , you haven't lost her for good. Give it lots of time.

There are basically 7 stages of grief, they don't all occur or happen in a particular order; and there can be a looping effect, depending on how well a person handles the situation

The 7 stages are :SHOCK & DENIAL 2) PAIN & GUILT 3) ANGER & BARGAINING 4) DEPRESSION, REFLECTION, LONELINESS 5) THE TURNAROUND 6) RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH and 7) ACCEPTANCE & HOPE This process can take months, and in some cases years to complete. It all depends on the individual, and their support network. Hopefully your daughters network are supportive of TG issues.

So you can consider being 'defriended' on FB as the shock and denial part. And there is no mistake. When someone 'defriends' you on FB, you aren't notified. It's like a door slammed in your face. The 'don't do it' 'Why do it' anger is yet to come. Be aware of the stages and try not to react to them, empathise with them.

This is a regrettable part of our journey, but essential for us to be able to move forward, towards our own goals and wellbeing. Congratulation on doing it and not being TOTALLY devastated by your daughters reaction; as hard as it was for you.

Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa luv
Catherine

some accept it and some dont but I think the choice ultimately is yours

I do plan on giving her as much time as she needs, thanx for the boost, it was a relief to let the truth out.

The reason her reaction hurt but did not devastate me was because the rest of my family (two brothers and my father) all turned their backs on me long ago, my mother, God rest her soul, has left this would, my son (whom I think may be TG also) has been missing for 10 years, so my daughter was the only family left. I have become accustomed to it and plus I have always tried to be there for others, and think of my own well-being as secondary.

I am stronger for myself and because of my wife's help.

Sollan,

You need a bloody great BIG HUGE Hug. Life can be an absolute S**T at times. And you are doing so well in minimising the damage.

One point I will make though. You said, " have always tried to be there for others, and think of my own well-being as secondary."  As you are journeying down to the "sharp end of your stick", I feel you should turn the tables round until you have fully transitioned. It's time for others to be there for YOU. And you MUSTN'T think of your own well being as secondary. It is NOW PRIMARY. As of TODAY. The pendulum is on the other side. It is your turn now to be cared for. Sorry  -  no excuses. This time is for YOU.

Thanks for letting us know how you are coping. It's important for us to know.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa luv
Catherine

Don't worry even though I am going to be starting soon on HRT I have always put him first and always will. plus we have 2 outstanding friends who are supportive of both of us.

It stinks. But we knew it was a possibility.

Just do what I did, create a facebook, add EVERYONE you've ever met.  and then make your status say "I AM TRANS. deal."   Or something more polite, if you like

That way you are forcing yourself to do it.  but you don't have the confrontation of saying it to their face.

JohnAlex,

That would work if you didn't worry who you hurt and to what degree.

Thanx for the suggestion but this is not something I can just throw out there and hope people can deal with it.