My dysphoria was driving me to suicide; HRT saved my life. I have been on a full transition dosage for closing on on two years. The physical effects have been minimal; decrease in body hair, minor breast growth. I had no problems passing as a girl before HRT and none passing as a guy now. If you need HRT to control your dysphoria, don't hesitate.

Quote from: Virginia on October 15, 2011, 08:39:02 PM
My dysphoria was driving me to suicide; HRT saved my life. I have been on a full transition dosage for closing on on two years. The physical effects have been minimal; decrease in body hair, minor breast growth. I had no problems passing as a girl before HRT and none passing as a guy now. If you need HRT to control your dysphoria, don't hesitate.

Quote from: Virginia on October 15, 2011, 08:39:02 PM
My dysphoria was driving me to suicide; HRT saved my life. I have been on a full transition dosage for closing on on two years. The physical effects have been minimal; decrease in body hair, minor breast growth. I had no problems passing as a girl before HRT and none passing as a guy now. If you need HRT to control your dysphoria, don't hesitate.

i guess this means i should call a doctor who might help me. if there's any chance it might stabilize my moods a bit, it would probably be worth it

It wasn't a matter of stibilizing moods; HRT had little if any affect on that for me. I have always been extremely moody- could go from Snoopy Dance happy to fist through wall rage in the blink of an eye. I'm talking about gender dysphoria. For me, GD is a horrible horrible thing; 2-3 hours of sleep a night; total obsession with my gender to the point of being nearly impossible to think about anything else; an uncontrollable compulsion to express my other gender regardless of the consequences; a life sucking zombie-like funk that makes it barely possible to perform the basic functions of daily life. And I am not only dysphoric about my maleness but also my femaleness.

I was barely controlling my GD with a combination of therapy and presenting as female a day a week; more like a drug addict waiting for my next fix than a stable balance between my male and female self. My wife and I were desperate for something, anything to give me peace or relief. With my dysphoria about my femaleness, I was petrified of the changes hormones might cause. But it was a race between insanity and suicide, and I was running out of options.

HRT was my salvation. If this is what GD is for you, fight like a mother lion for her cubs to get your medication. I began a full transition level regimen of estrogen and anti-androgens in January 2010. The effects were noticeable the morning after my first dose. The best I can describe it is like turning down the volume on a radio; barely perceptible at first but unquestionably different. After a year of living hell, within 2 weeks I was sleeping a full 8 hours and the volume steadily went down over the next month.

I also had bad insomnia that was cured within a week of starting HRT.

My GID played out through anxiety and angst. I couldn't decide what to wear on a daily basis, I would space out and drift off to parts of my mind unknown just to avoid...myself. I had mo real drive for much, I had no real ambition...I was lost to varrying degrees.
Being on T has put a shine back in my life. I can't even begin to express all that it's touched. Everything...really.
It literally came down to taking T...or throwing myself into the frozen pond on our property back in feb of 2010. I was scared because I had no real idea the journey I was going to embark on...I saw no other transitioning androgyns...but I think it's likely the best thing I've ever done.

about 2 and half years ago, I commited a sort of suicide, in which I left everything and lived homeless for a few months.
it changed basically every way I see things.
I still am myself and so, and the disphoria was there all the time. So when I managed to return, it was just like, obvious that I would be doing mones, somehow.
Every day I feel if I'm already dead, so I dont have to worry about /that/ anymore lol

Quote from: Sevan on October 16, 2011, 09:13:21 AM
My GID played out through anxiety and angst. I couldn't decide what to wear on a daily basis, I would space out and drift off to parts of my mind unknown just to avoid...myself. I had mo real drive for much, I had no real ambition...I was lost to varrying degrees.

i called it mood swings, but this is actually closer to what i'm really experiencing. but it's a little cyclic, and on days when my estrogen is low i'm much better able to just be ok with myself. like i won't lash out a people (who should have made more effort to get to know the real me) for no good reason just because they happened to call me cute or feminine at some point that day or week. right now i'm moving on to the bad part of my cycle, and really just wanna sit down in a corner and pretend i don't exist, for it feels like nobody would ever even want to know the person i really am

Quote from: Sevan on October 16, 2011, 09:13:21 AM
Being on T has put a shine back in my life. I can't even begin to express all that it's touched. Everything...really.

and this is the effect i hope i could get. but i still hesitate to ask for help because i'm afraid of changes
anyone want to encourage me?
(to get help, not necessarily a specific treatment)

Taka this is one of those kinds of things that needs a leap of faith. Knowing that you do better when you are in your low E zone is a good sign.
Find a therapist and doctor who will work with you to find the right balance of 'mones for your body. gel may be a good option for you. There is time to try things out before any long term changes stick. It took me a few months before my voice started to change irrevocably. There is time to try things out and see how it feels.
It's not a situation of going on hormones and finding sudden, irrevocable changes. Take a leap, seek out therapy that will work for you.
One of the best ways to see if hormones are right for you is to try them. There had been studies showing this. If it's not rigt for your body you will know pretty quickly and will recognize either a peace comes fromit or the opposite.

Quote from: Sevan on October 16, 2011, 09:13:21 AM
My GID played out through anxiety and angst. I couldn't decide what to wear on a daily basis, I would space out and drift off to parts of my mind unknown just to avoid...myself. I had mo real drive for much, I had no real ambition...I was lost to varrying degrees.
Being on T has put a shine back in my life. I can't even begin to express all that it's touched. Everything...really.
It literally came down to taking T...or throwing myself into the frozen pond on our property back in feb of 2010. I was scared because I had no real idea the journey I was going to embark on...I saw no other transitioning androgyns...but I think it's likely the best thing I've ever done.

This sounds a hell of a lot like me. It's like I spend my days waiting for it to be late enough to go back to bed. I can never decide what to wear or how to present. I miss a lot of class from being unable to leave my room for fear that someone will see me like this.

I'm just always, always petrified of doing something that I'll regret more than not having done it. I'm starting my fourth month on hormonal birth control, and I think I like it. My partner says my moods have been a little better, but my antidepressants have also increased during that time. I feel like it gives me PMS where I didn't really have it before. I like not having to use barriers. I love, love what it does to my skin. I think that's what I'm most worried about with HRT, is acne. Estrogen is the only thing that fixes it. But it might be estrogen that's poisoning my mind. I don't know what to do.

What are the first changes I could expect on T, besides mood? The first physical changes.

Increased sex drive will be first. This will likely happen in the first week.
A sense of calm and clarity often is reported in the first few weeks.
Increase in clitoral size typicaly follows shortly after. Ussually within the first month. (The first changes will be noticeable rather rapidly, however it is a slow process that will take a year or two to finish. With a clitoral release and ureathra extention/rerouting it is pretty much a very small penis.)
Then the voice will start to deepen a tad. This is a somewhat creeper effect. One day you will be talking then the voice will crack. Takes about 1-4 months on average. But it could take longer if you have a very high pitch and faster with a low pitch.

You do not ussually need to worry about 'roid rage. Most transmen/female bodied androgyns on T actually calm down from T and become less prone to such displays.
Your emotions will become harder to tap into but they will not disapear.
Sevan likened female emotions once as an open ocean with large waves, and male emotions as a deep underground river. The emotions might not be easily seen but they are deep and powerful. Haveing been on both ends of the stick so to speak I must agree with the analogy.

oh yeah...
Also noticable within the first month will be increase in strength. It will take awhile but the muscle will start changing and becoming masculine muscle mass. This is the part I miss about being a guy.
Strength.

Thank you so much for the answers, Cynthia. You and Sevan have been great help.

This looks like something I should definitely bring up with my doctors and therapist. All of those changes are ones that I either could live with or would welcome. I'd love to be stronger, love the genital changes, and could work through the voice. My emotions right now are right on the surface all the time too, and I'm really self-conscious of that.

cyndi explained it quite well and I'd like to add that my emotions were always on the surface in such a way as to always almost feel raw and exposed. I did so much work just to try and protect myself...rieki, energy work, avoidance, chakra work...so much crap just to try and smooth down my always bristling nerves. I would cry from other's emotional expressions, I would cry from certain pitches (particularly notes in commercial songs) I wouldn't/couldn't handle being able to be there for my friends in an emotionally supportive way because it would overwhelm me.
Now all of that has shifted. I don't know that I'm the "norm" in this way...but that was one of the most relieving things for me. Hands down.
I noticed that I did well and ok with progesterone, but horrible with E. So that's something to consider as well. I still use my sexual parts...and those parts are fueled with estrogen, so I do take a weekly dose of bag cream to keep everything working well in that arena. Due to a chronic health condition I have very thin walls down there. This is definitly a YMMV issue, and not one I hear commonly from anyone else. The dr's have told me that it's just absorbed in that area and doesn't effect the rest of my body system so I don't have any trouble using it.
It's all about being your best advocate, listening closely to your body and making the changes that are right for you. There is almost nothing that you can do within the first few months of taking T that wouldn't be reversible.

I am so glad we'Re having this conversation!! I will apologize for my spelling...I'm sure it's a mess. I'm wiped out, and typing on my iPod...but I can't stay away! This is a conversation I've wanted to see for a long time.

Aww Sevan, it sounds like you've got the same highly sensitive temperament as me. My partner hates that his emotions sort of spill over into me, that I have a hard time comforting him because it makes me upset too. Everything makes me cry. Musical cadences, being put down in an obviously joking way, hell, being called by my preferred name often does it. I think we must be kindred spirits or something.

Haha, I can't stay away from this conversation either. Most of my replies have been sent from my partner's iPad since I've been at his place most of the time without my computer. I'm really, genuinely glad that I have someone who's gone before me in all this, and this conversation makes me excited for my future in a way I haven't felt in a long time.

i'm glad we're having this conversation too. thank you so much for your input sevan, it means a lot to me

i have troubles with high sensitivity too, and because i can't stand crying i tend to withdraw or emotionally detach. and if that's not possible i start getting destructive, and have broken things a few times. don't like it, and i'm pretty sure estrogen is to blame for a lot of it

I think having these high sensitivity issues speak to being wrong with the hormones. I know quite a few MtFs that struggle with similar (though possibly opposite) issues.
Another interesting tid-bit is other senses. Did you know that your senses can shift if you change your hormones? My eyesight got a little bit worse because your eye shape can change from hormone shifts. Not terribly so, just a small shift but that's something I've heard others deal with.
Another interesting one is the sense of smell. I've always heard that women have better sense of smell (entirely antidotal...) but when cyndi and I shifted hormones we both experienced better sense of smell, though different sensitivities to different things. Body odor, meat, and salty smells are much stronger to me where sweet smells are stronger to cyndi. 

Quote from: cynthialee on October 16, 2011, 11:57:14 AM
oh yeah...
Also noticable within the first month will be increase in strength. It will take awhile but the muscle will start changing and becoming masculine muscle mass. This is the part I miss about being a guy.
Strength.

Yeah... i'm in the same boat as you. I used to work out and was quite buff; I wore sleeveless shirts to show off my upper body and I had trouble putting on jeans because my legs were too big. Now? I struggle to rip open simple plastic food wrappers LOL......

Another thing that's been reported for boys on E is shrinkage in the body - feet, chest, shoulders, etc. (but not my hands; they are still huge )Have you experienced any of these? My shoes flop around on my feet now.

I shrank an inch in height and my feet became a slight bit smaller. Not enough so to change shoe size but enough for me to notice.
(other parts shrink sometimes also...)
:p

interesting about the senses. i wonder what it would feel like if my perfect vision was impaired..

the high sensitivity is weird. my sister is sensitive, but seems to accept it as part of her personality, my mother isn't sensitive at all. but i am so sensitive to other people's emotions that i really can't stand being in any emotional setting, or around many people for a long time, and i end up unable to relate to people instead of becoming more sympathetic. and that's not really the person i am inside