Hey, I'm Tiffany. I really don't know what to do here, so I'll just give you a bit of a background on me. To say I'm lost would be an understatement.
I know it's long, but this was the only way I could really explain anything. So, bear with me?
When I was little, I was the tomboy. All my friends were guys. I didn't know how to act around girls. I would wear my brother's old clothes that didn't fit him anymore. People thought my family didn't have enough money. Then they found out I just didn't like wearing what my family bought me; dresses, pretty pants and shirts with flowers and glitter. For years, I had to listen to my oma telling me I need to grow out of this phase, 'why won't you wear the clothes Sarah gave you? They're so pretty. You're making her sad that you wont even wear them.' ... I didn't even know who Sarah was.
Eventually, being bullied became such a huge part of my life that I couldn't remember what it was like to be liked. Then, the only friends I had, three guys, stopped talking to me, because it wasn't cool to hang out with girls. I made two new friends, Lisa and Danni, when I repeated third grade. They were really nice girls, but I never knew how to act when I was with them. I started playing with dolls and wear more borderline neutral girly clothes, started listening to Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears, because I saw that was other girls did, and I didn't want to loose the only friends I had. By the time I was eleven, I made myself play with barbies and the like, just to not be different anymore. I hated that. I hated that I had to be someone I'm not, someone that I was uncomfortable to be. But I hated being lonely even more. I was terrified when I started puberty and began developing breasts. It didn't seem natural to me.
Then I moved to a completely different continent. Everyone wanted to be my friend because I was a foreigner. Two months after I moved, the novelty of that wore off, and I was alone again. I went back to wearing my brother's old clothes, started reading Stephen King, and only talked to the SRO of my middle school. I finally made a new friend in eight grade that didn't mind that I was a 'tomboy'. She didn't mind hanging out with me outside of school. She was my first crush. She was my best friend until my senior year. Then she completely broke me and made me her enemy... I still don't know why. I still wore over sized clothes especially hoodies. I didn't want people to see my body. I never really thought about why. I realized I was bisexual when I was a junior and liked my then still best friend. It was never a big revelation to me, nor did it bother me. My mother's best friend in Germany was gay, so I grew up knowing that wasn't anything to be ashamed of.
My small circle of friends, which included the librarian of my high school, pretty much made me go to prom, even payed of the money I owed to be able to attend. As soon as I said I wanted to wear a tux, I was told that this was the biggest event of my high school life, and that I need to dress up nice because I'd regret it when I was older. My friend made me borrow her dress, and the librarian did my hair, even though it was too short to do much with. I hated ever second of that dance. I had to wear a dress, make-up, heels. I just wanted to go home, but I didn't have a car so I couldn't leave by myself. When I started college, I thought that maybe I should act more like a girl. I bought some skirts and things, and wore them as much as possible. It was the most embarrassing thing I've ever done, but I forced myself to wear them. I just didn't want people to make fun of me anymore. I was tired of the metal break downs they caused. I forced myself to be someone I wasn't. All my life I put up with the negativity. The 'stupid American', the 'Nazi', satanist, witch, weirdo, outcast, freak. Sometimes, I actually forgot what my name was. I wasn't the right nationality, I wore black clothes, I wore guy clothes, I had short hair. Everything that was me was wrong. They made me hate myself. Made me hate that I felt weird about being a girl. It was impossible for me to do anything right in their eyes. Then, I came to Tumblr and found out about transgender. I never really knew what that was. It opened my eyes to what transgender really means, not what the media and entertainment industries feed us.
Am I transgender? I don't know. I started binding my chest as of late, and for the first time since I can remember, I didn't hate looking at myself in the mirror. Having breasts, I never felt right about that. Sure, I like some feminine things. I like somethings that are considered cute. But really, I don't see what that has to do with anything. We're pushed into the gender stereotype from the day we're born, pink for girls and blue for boys.
All my life, I thought myself a freak. Not because I was bisexual, but because I was uncomfortable with my own body. When I was little, I loved to swim. Now I hate showing my body, showing that I am woman. I grew up a girl, transitions into womanhood, and hated ever ->-bleeped-<-ing part of it. Sometimes, I just feel wrong about the way I was born.
I don't know. I'm confused. I don't really know what to do, or who to talk to. My mother had no problem with me being bisexual, but I'm afraid for her finding out that I'm confused about my own body. I'm terrified and I live in small town where one doesn't dare to be 'abnormal'. I just... don't want to feel like a freak show in my own goddamn skin anymore.
I've final made friends that don't mind me being who I am. Interestingly enough, they're all guys. I fit in with them. On the rare occasion that Katie, a sort of friend of ours, hangs out with us, it's a bit weird. We all watch what we say in a sense, because she is a woman. Sometimes the guys try to do that with me and it's rather obvious. Usually, I hit them for it and things are back to normal. Though, they usually only do that because they know they can get a rise out of me. I'm happy with them, because they treat me like one of the guys.
I feel as if I have no one I can talk to this about, mainly because I'm terrified they would abandon me for it. I really can't talk to someone outside of my friend circle either, because I live in the bible belt, one of the most Christian states to be exact. It being a small town doesn't help either. I guess I'm just hoping that someone here could talk to me about it. I just really... don't know what to do anymore.
