I had a few more thoughts, Lori.
In Greek mythology, a "choice between Scilla and Caribdis" is known as a choice between two evils. Scilla and Caribdis are two rocky points in the Mediteranean Sea and, in the mythology, to sail between them meant sailing between two perils. I guess that's where you feel you are now. You are taking the logical choice of sailing between them until you are certain one of the shores is not perilous. Unfortunately, both transitioning and suicide follow the "law of unintended consequences." Like getting into war in Iraq for seemingly good reasons, there can be a rude aftermath. I disagree with your thought that suicide is forgotten after a few months. Like some have said, suicide can torture family and friends for the rest of THEIR LIVES (not just a few months). And suicide can lead to others, particularly family, opting for suicide. Not the best example, but think of Anna Nicolle -- I think she's dead because her son died (though presumably it was an "accident" on both counts). Suicide is often committed by people who had a suicide in their family. Not a great legacy to leave your son. You can't be sure that the unintended consequence of your suicide would be your son committing suicide under the misled thought that, because you did it, it's all right.
As I've said, I've thought, like some here, of suicide. When I moved to Washington state in Jan. 2007, I told my ex (she's been remarried for several years) that maybe, now that I've sold my place, that this would be a good place to end it -- I mean, she wouldn't need to worry about selling my assets -- everything was now liquid. It would be convenient for her and everyone. She told me that she'd rather I take a long cruise or long vacation. It was an eye-opener. I'd thought that I'd ruined her life and here she was telling me, lovingly, to go out and enjoy myself rather than ending it all. Obviously, she'd be richer if she just took the money now so I LEARNED (not for the first time) that, despite her anger and confusion about my transition, bottom line, she loved me.
Perhaps, your discussing suicide with your wife may elicit a response similar to what my ex told me. Don't presume her answer. Her answer may surprise you.
Hugs, Teri
