This topic will basically be a vague biography sprinkled with questions. I'm busy wasting your time.

I grew up with a loving family in England. I don't actually remember much of my childhood, just a few memories, and even those feel like just watching another person grow up. Either way, my(?) childhood was nice, for a boy. I was never really popular - I only had a few friends during my primary school life. I hated sports, and found "manliness" to be an annoyance. It would be a lie to say I was inherently a girl or anything - maybe I was just a peaceful, slightly feminine, boy.

My first friend was a girl called Lucy. I always got on better with girls than boys. I still do, and the vast majority of my friends has always been girls. Those who aren't are either bisexual or crossdressers. I just tend to accumulate that sort of crowd.
I remember when I was 8, a girl told me that females are better than males. I agreed, even though her justification for this was "because you have willies". This is one of the few memories I know to be true and not fabricated by my own mind.

However, I only realized something was... Different about me last year. I started wearing pink, hearts, ribbons... I didn't realize I was a crossdresser or anything for quite some time. I simply believed I was proving that guys can wear pink and still be popular (and I am, in College, despite my strange behaviour). It was only a brief period before I was looking through clothes catalogues for the girls' sections, imagining wearing them. And then it struck me, after a talk with my best friend, that I wasn't imagining wearing them. I was imagining being a girl wearing them. That's when the transsexuality feeling kicked in.

At first I just liked the idea of being a girl. I borrowed a skirt from my aforementioned friend, and wore it. I don't believe anything can replicate the feeling doing that gave me. I felt like I'd been freed, I could fly, and I was everything I wanted to be. That wore off in a few days, and I was left with ineffectual crossdressing. I've only crossdressed a few times since, as it really doesn't give me much of a buzz. Here comes my first question in this torrent of letters. Why does crossdressing not help anymore?

Crossdressing also makes me feel ugly. Well, ugly isn't really a strong enough word. It makes me feel grotesque. It used to make me happy, but now I can just see a guy in a skirt looking into a mirror and pretending that it could ever be possible to be anything but what he is.
I have problems with my self-image. Even the male me I consider ugly, to the point that sometimes I'm embarrassed to go out because of how I look, even though I've been told I'm not too bad-looking.

Now, I don't want to be a woman. I don't want to be a lady.
I feel like I've missed out on my childhood. I was never given my first dress, I never skipped down the street, and I never wore ribbons in my hair. I want to be a girl, and that's something that not even hormones and surgery can rectify. How many young girls do you see that look remarkably like 6'2" men?
I'm a jealous person. I envy every girl I see. I just think, "how lucky are you to be able to be like that?"

My feminine side sometimes disappears for periods of time. I become basically a peaceful guy, as opposed to a "girl-in-a-man's-body". This makes me wonder two things.
Am I transsexual, or a bigender androgyne?
Why does my other side disappear and resurface?

I came out to my parents, and my closest friends. From my friends I recieved encouragement, as they are all generally accepting. From my parents, I recieved worry. They are also accepting, and my father said that "if you were gay, or a ->-bleeped-<-, it would be fine. But there's something about transsexuality, wanting to be a completely different person, that worries me." They also told me that they wouldn't like it if I changed my body in any way (meaning hormones and surgery). Is there any way an average-looking 6'2" guy with no hormones or surgery can pass as a girl (that's girl, like a girl my age (17), not a woman)?

I think that's all I have to say... If you have any advice or answers, I would really appreciate it.

Wow, most of your words could have come strait out of my own mouth. The GID, comes and goes thats a fact n cross dressing can be a stage of transexualism. For many of us the GID manifests in orientatìon n strenth. As the years go on it gets harder 2 egnore. Please go see your GP and dxplain how u feel 2 them. Good luck, luv Lucy :-)

Hidari,

First of you are not wasting anyone's time by posting here. You are not the first to question your gender and you will not be the last. You are on a very difficault and confusing journey so post here as often as possible as someone here will be able to help you.

Many people who identify as female hate dressing as, like you expressed, it just shows to themselves that they are not female. Time real only tell you where you are headed and I have found trying to fight your nature ony causes problems. Many people has found the GID (Gender Identify Disorder) get stronger as they get older. I put it down to a accumulative affect. You can fight I one though, or a thought over a months but when those though happen year in year out sooner or later you will question why those thoughs happen. This is why these issues resurface and get stronger.

I will try and post some more later.

Alice

Hidari,

First of all, welcome. You sound painfully similar to me. You will meet many people here that have faced exactly what you have faced. You will meet many people here with stories scarily similar to your own.

Secondly, let me assure you - it's not as scary as you think.

Thirdly - let me warn you. You can't live your life for people that don't accept you - and that includes your parents.

Fourthly - let me educate you. Depending on your age, HRT will make you shrink. I shrank four inches in height.

Feel free to PM me with any question at all, and feel free to stop by #chat. We have lots of ops that can listen and share with you.

Brianna, your sister

I have a friend in LA who is 6'4".  Since her transition, she has pursued and earned a degree in teaching and now teaches at a high school.  She does have a hard time finding size 13 shoes, but she manages quite well otherwise.

I didn't lose any of my height by taking hormones.  But that was 20 years ago. The HRT regimine is very differnt now than what I took.  There have been some wonderful advances in treatment and surgery to help.

I too dressed early on.  When I "pubered" it became sexual in a large degree. The only explanation I have for that behaviour was that it was the only way that I could become a girl ... if even for just a short time.  I don't understand how this works.  I really don't. I just know that I lived it.

Cindi

Hello, Hidari;

First, I'm still learning Japanese -- Hidari means 'left', as in the direction.  but it's still a beautiful-sounding name.

Second, the idea is to find what makes YOU comfortable.  I'm not big on makeup.  I wear the minimum expected -- a little lip color, nothing artificial.  I didn't like overly made up women when I was in denial.  So I ask myself, "Does this please ME?  Does this [dress/blouse/color/hairstyle/whatever] make me happy with myself?"  and I let that guide me.

This is a journey of personal discovery.  Enjoy the ride!

Welcome to susans

Karen

Hello, Hidari;

Im back,

So as you can see there is just a smalll exampole of the people on this site, I sure more will introduce them selves afterwards. We all have stories fermilar to your own, it not that unusall at all. The thing is to just be yourself, who ever that may be. Get help is another good peice of advice.

and when you want to talk to anyone just come here to "Susans Place" you allways be welcomed with a big hug and a sholder to cry on.

Enjoy your stay
Luv Lucy

Hi Hidari,

I'm a bigendered person and if you'd like to learn about whether that particular title applies to you, I'd be happy to elaborate on how I feel, my personal experiences, or anything of that sort let me know and I'll private message, instant message, email, whatever. Just say you're interested and it shall be done. I can tell from your story some similiarities and I urge you to read some of my topics to get a better idea of what I feel.

Considering you experience your female side disappearing and reappearing, that would generally be a sign leaning towards being an androgyne. Of course that could also be part of your journey of self discovery as people do experience different phases till they reach their final conclusion. Again I urge you to read some of the other topics in the transexual and the androgyne sections to see who you see similarities with.

I've been living with hints at the two different sides all my life and it was only just recently that I was able to identify them as seperate and things have been awesome since then. Blessed with natural balance of opposites I tell people that ask.

I hope you find what you're looking for and I look foward to helping in any way I can.

Marq and Mia

Thankyou, everyone, for replying. It means a lot that you care about me.



Lucy

It doesn't quite feel as if my GID (though, I like to think I don't have GID, as that suggests I have a mental disorder) is coming and going, but rather a second me is. It does feel as if there are two of us in me, and I do occasionally confuse people by referring to myself as "us" when discussing my ->-bleeped-<-. Perhaps I just like feeling as if I'm not a blend of male and female, but that there is a purely feminine entity in me, untainted by my masculinity. And it does feel like that. Sometimes I act like a peaceful guy (just a relaxed, vaguely male, person), and other times I act exactly like a girl (I'm talking, curling up into a ball and asking for people to comfort me, reading girls' magazines, wanting people to style my hair, etc).

As for crossdressing possibly being a "stage of transexualism", as you put it, I don't believe that I have passed that stage, if I will at all. It's not that I don't want to crossdress. I get urges constantly, and read magazines and daydream about walking down the road in a skirt and Mary Janes, bunches in my hair - but most importantly, I want everyone who sees me doing that to see me as a girl. The fact that they don't means that I don't. Sadly, what others think of me does matter to me; but as well as that, I wouldn't feel right walking down the road wearing the same clothes as my girl friends, who happen to be almost foot shorter than me.

I've only ever crossdressed in front of my best friend (who is an extremely loving 15-year-old bisexual girl), who is trying to persuade me that I look prettier in girls' clothing. If only I could believe her - I'd do anything to make everyone else agree. For now, at least, I think I'm only brave enough to crossdress in private or in front of really close friends.



Alice

The thing I really have a problem with when I crossdress is my face. I've been told I'm "quite good looking", and even "cute"; but the truth is I do not look like a girl. I'm wondering quite how girly someone could make me with makeup, because if I managed to make my face look girlier when I crossdress, it would make me feel a lot better about myself. However, there are still other things I hate about myself. My long arms and legs, for instance; and my ribs (they stick out loads - I have the same chest and waist as my best friend, and she has quite large "female attachments"; and is 5'4").

I really hope this feeling doesn't get stronger. In my more feminine moments, it gets so bad that I end up breaking into tears at more-or-less everything, followed up by praying to a number of different gods to make me a girl (and I'm an Atheist). I dread the thought that desperation can get any more concentrated.



Brianna

Naturally, I'd prefer it if I could both succeed at my dreams and keep a good relationship with my parents (who are very kind to me) at the same time. If that is not possible, then I guess I'll have to go with the one that means the most to me. And as I will have to live as me for the rest of my life, I guess Self is the most important out of those two. If they reject me afterwards, however, it would make me rather sad. My mother, for one, has expressed some views which show her to be worried about me, such as saying to me while she was putting on makeup once, "you're lucky you're a boy - having to mess with all these things is stupid.". Which is another thing - I hate it when people refer to me as a boy, or a guy; and when they say "you wouldn't understand, you're a boy," it's the most offensive thing ever.

Your fourth point made me think quite a lot. Would HRT at 18 probably reduce height? And if so, how much by? I will definitely consider HRT more if it reduces height, as that is one of the things I hate about myself. If I could be the height of a normal girl, and look like a normal girl, and dress like a normal girl... I don't believe the English language contains words capable of expressing the pure level of joy that would invoke.



Cindi

I'm sure I could probably cope at 6'2", and my height wouldn't raise many eyebrows if I passed well enough, but part of what I yearn for is to be a young girl (though my time for that is running out). I also have size 13 feet (in US womens' sizes), and find it extremely frustrating looking in stores, seeing that all girls' shoes go up to a maximum of about size 11 and then stop. Moreso, Converse shoes (which I usually wear) all go up to size 14 or so except those with any pink whatsoever on them. That's depressing.

My crossdressing isn't sexual at all. I am bisexual, and have a boyfriend; but crossdressing is definitely for Self only, not sexual reasons. A friend of mine is also a crossdresser, but he does it for sexual reasons - I talked to him, and our views on transsexuality and transvestism are surprisingly different.



Karen

Yes, Hidari means "left". I only found that out after I decided to use it as a name, though. It doesn't bother me at all - in fact, I think it suits me quite well, possibly abstractly. I stole it from a character named Hidari Morii from a manga series called Yubisaki Milk Tea, which is about a crossdresser. I often read it, and end up crying - it speaks a lot of truth to me.

"It's like something new has woken up inside me. And I'm sure, that it will only grow stronger from here on. The girl inside me - this other thing is killing her."
"I cast a magic spell upon myself, in hopes of becoming someone different. "I want to become a girl." I really thought I could change into another person. The spell was broken."

Anyway, I wish I could be like that, Karen. There are two things stopping me from wearing what I want.
One, I want to be beautiful - and that depends on others just as much as me. It sounds vain, I know, and it probably is - but I want to be able to feel pretty.
Two, I don't feel beautiful. When I look in the mirror, it doesn't matter what I'm wearing, I just feel ugly. Asking myself "does this please me" will only ever lead to the answer being no.

I will, however, try to do what you said. If it's in private, I guess I'm my only audience. Maybe I should just not look in the mirror, and instead look down - most things about me except my face only bother me a little bit. And girls' clothes do feel so much better on my skin than male clothes do.

My best friend has been kind enough to allow me to use her (entire) wardrobe this sunday, so that will be extremely fun. I can't wait. I'll use then to exercise feeling good when crossdressed. She has some of the most beautiful clothes in existance.



Marq and Mia

Thankyou for the offer of discussing androgynousness with me. I'll add you to MSN, if you don't mind.

Not at all. I'll have to remember to start signing on more often then.

Us

I hear what you are saying hidari. But the truth is, for true transsexuals, even being tall and never passing wouldn't deter them eventually.

As I said, I shrank 4 inches. I always thought this was transsexual unban legend - and I never believed it. Research has yet to be done in this field - yet. It is true. It's been very shocking.

I have a big brown line along my spine in the back, which scares me. It wasn't there before HRT and I wonder if it's related to the insane amount of shrinking.

This only happens to primary transsexuals, in my expereince. At 18, you still are classified as one.

Bri

Quote from: Brianna on March 19, 2007, 01:10:46 PM
This only happens to primary transsexuals, in my expereince. At 18, you still are classified as one.

I first heard of this effect when I was a member of a "tall girls" group many years ago. Most of the members were in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. In fact, there was a bit of a controversy as the time as to whether it was HRT effects or simply natural aging. I've never heard of a loss of 4" though, so maybe it's more pronounced when younger.

As to transitioning Hidari, Bri Speaketh Truth: there comes a point with many people where I'm sorry, but ya just GOTTA do it - and just try and deal with the issues as they arise. I'm 6'2" as well (though at 42, I'm probably 13 steps down from "primary" by now, lol), and surprisingly, my height matters less and less to me. I'm not delusional (well... not about this anyway, lol), I know it's going to make me stand out, but... ya gotta be you, ya know? If that's a 6'2" girl, then so be it

Kate