I have a prob. I'm depressed and lost. Pls give me some opinions and advice.

I was a bad bf to my ex gf. Its our 3 years next month and I want to make things right. I know people would say I deserve what is happening to me now but I love this girl. For so long I've treated her wrong, messing around with alot of girls (her cousins..friends etc) always left her alone ..sometimes I leave her for 2 or 3 months but whenever there is another guy in her life. I leave everybody and go straight back to her. Promise her and tell her I've changed and she's given me so many chances and I've taken her for granted. Whenever I know there is another guy in her life, I cause a scene in public or I turn up at her house. Her fam and her friends all despise me now. They put a restraining order on me. Now, I left her for 3 months and was messing around with this girl. She thought i was never gonna see or talk to her. We lost contact but I find myself just driving past her house or checking if shes working. I miss her and I think of her but never tried contacting her. The other day I saw her pic of her and her new guy. I went straight to her house and I asked her if she has a bf and she said yes. I feel like I'm losing her for good now and I can't stand it. I asked her to call me that night cause her mum kept asking her to come back inside the house and not talk to me. She said she will but then she didn't so I went to her house in the morning and she said pls go now my bro is home and I'll call u. She did. When her bro went to work I saw her at her house but didnt allow me into the house. We spoke for 3 hrs and she said his gonna be quiet a competition cause his good looking sweet funny and she feels like shes known him for ages. She also said I never thought I'll be talking about another guy to u. Whenever I talk about marrying her she smiles and goes with the flow. I asked her if she love or misses me, she shakes her head as in a no. Then she says she has no support from anyone to be with me and I said u got me and she says its not enough. She had a pic of him as her wallpaper and I said pls change it now and she did. I asked her to call me that night and she said yes but she never did. Next morning I went back to her house and aked her why she didn't call she said she will, I went to work and she didn't so i went back and she said she ran out of credit. Had to go to work. I waited for her after work and gave her a letter and she said thanks. I asked her if she is gonna call and she said yes but she didn't and haven't I don't know if shes really gone or she just needs some time. I'm overly protective and jealous...whenever she sees me she covers herself up etc. She listens to me in that sense. When we talk she tells me what shes been doing, where shes going etc. She goes out and wears revealing clothes but I don't care about that anymore. I don't want to lose her. Everytime there is a guy in the picture I can't take it. I always try so hard to win her back but it seems like she likes this guy alot. She also said shes happy with him and I said are you happier without me but she said I can make her happy too. This time I'm not gonna leave her. I want to make things right. I'm sorry for the long post but I need some outside opinion and advice. Thankyou for reading this.

i don't know if shes really gone or she just needs sometime...

I would move on in that situation. Probably seek some therapy, too.

Really? So she doesnt love me anymore? she wouldn't say it...

Thanks for the reply.

Quote from: accord03 on October 28, 2011, 07:58:41 AM
Really? So she doesnt love me anymore? she wouldn't say it...

Thanks for the reply.

She is probably afraid to say it. Based on what you wrote you come across as a stalker.

Yes. I know I appear as a stalker but she said she doesn't mind and I asked her
if shes afraid of me and she said she's not. If she was I think she would be putting me behind bars =/
But she still sees me and says we will go out for lunch next week...
and she asked me if I was jealous of the new guy.. I don't know whats happening and sometimes
I feel like I do need some help cause I refuse to let her go no matter what.

Leave her alone and move on. Obsession isn't love. Get help.

I've been stalked, beaten, and raped, and I still didn't put anybody behind bars. Your not being arrested is not proof that your behavior is okay or that the object of your affection feels safe.

I felt coerced and threatened into having a baby, and then when the father did bad things, I made him leave but told him he could come back when he had his head on straight. I told myself he could change. It was nice to be loved, even by someone scary. He kept coming back. My friends finally called the police, and made it clear to him that he was to stay away from me. I didn't realize how awful it was until he was gone for good. I was stupid.

Be careful, man. Give yourself some distance and time before you make any decisions about contacting her. Don't expect her to tell you that it's gotten unhealthy. You know it has.

Leave her alone man. You did her way wrong and she's found a guy to act like a man and be good to her. You keep going by her house like you are and he may be the one to put a stop to it. The best thing for you to do is get lots of mental help.

The fact you keep going by her place is stalker 101. Whats next? Things like this don't get better only worse. So act like a grown up and go get help.

I know if I was her friend I'd be the one to call the cops and have your butt put in jail. Her new man might want to do other things to you before the cops are called.

Quote from: accord03 on October 28, 2011, 06:01:15 AM
Its our 3 years next month

Our three years? It doesn't sound like you are together man.

You should leave her alone. Don't show up at her house without reason. Don't always expect her or ask her to call. Move on and if that's hard, seek help doing so. If you ask me, the relationship is done. Move on.

i can just second all of the guys' opinions here. just leave her alone, move on, seek therapy.

Quote from: accord03 on October 28, 2011, 07:58:41 AMReally? So she doesnt love me anymore? she wouldn't say it...

That's a hard question to answer.  When you've been with someone a while, sometimes a part of you will always have some feelings for that person.  And I think that's maybe what's going on here.  It appears she wants to move on.  She's got somebody else who she likes and she told you how good he is to her.  She's not calling you because SHE DOESN'T WANT to call you.   She wants you to leave her alone and let her move on. 

If you love her, do what's best for HER.   Leave her alone and let her move on.  It's what she wants.

Quote from: JohnAlex on October 28, 2011, 03:41:27 PM
That's a hard question to answer.  When you've been with someone a while, sometimes a part of you will always have some feelings for that person.  And I think that's maybe what's going on here.  It appears she wants to move on.  She's got somebody else who she likes and she told you how good he is to her.  She's not calling you because SHE DOESN'T WANT to call you.   She wants you to leave her alone and let her move on. 

If you love her, do what's best for HER.   Leave her alone and let her move on.  It's what she wants.

Word. It is likely that she has some feelings, as most would, but that she wants to move on, which seems the most reasonable thing to do, considering your relationship history.

And though I mostly agree with the others here, too, I think a lot of people are quick to jump and call people stalkers even when they're very much not inside the relationship and thus don't know how it works, not to mention that it was a 3-year-long relationship. You should expect someone to have residual feelings after 3 years, on both sides. And going to someone's house unannounced when you've known them for a long time isn't necessarily that unusual, either, especially if you stayed friends (which it sounds like they did). Just saying. Unless I personally saw the relationship and could analyze it more, I would not jump to such conclusions so immediately.

And to the original poster: It sounds like you must change yourself, not for her, but FOR YOU, before you could be a match for her or, more widely, have any type of decent relationship. If you haven't really changed in any substantial way since the last time you were with her, what is really stopping you from just cheating on her again? Same machine + same input = same output.

Having said that, it'd probably be best to leave her alone. Don't fixate so much on one person and spend more time on yourself.

Maybe I should have softened what I said a little. She's complicit to some degree. It still sounds like the relationship is dysfunctional and going nowhere, and no matter how much you like her, you owe it to yourself to be able to happily and proudly exist without her.

I was with a guy for 2 and a half years once, and the dynamics between us got really unpleasant, but we both had a really hard time letting go. I respect that the feelings exist and are hard to walk away from. Still. Let it go.