I have been struggling for a while with trying to be more myself and expressing myself in a more feminine way.  I would also like to start on some sort of HRT to balance this raging Testosterone in my body.

However I don't believe that I can do it because it would break my mom's heart. The dilemma that I am in is that I feel that my mom will not be able to handle my questioning of my gender. My mom grew up in a very strict and conservative environment where she had to follow strict gender roles.  She had to get married at a certain age and act a certain way towards men.  So until now I think that she is still playing these roles and for me to come out to her I think that she will be forced to go through the gender reflection that she never went through which is difficult and if she doesn't go through it maybe she will transfer all the internalized hostility of not being able to express herself as she wants to me, as in she always tells my sister that if she doesn't get thinner no one will marry her.

At the same time given that I am living somewhere where there is no support for gender identity (no therapists, hormone specialists ... etc) I am unable to transition while I am living at home and if I think of travelling overseas to seek this support I feel that I need my mom next to me for support.

Am I being childish?  Is it weird that I want her support so much?

Thanks for your comments.

Wanting acceptance ain't weird,  but you are assuming quite a bit. The best way to find something out is to try.  (most dangerous too.)

I understand your fears...and there are many stories of families not being accepting so that's totally a reasonable fear but....my wife Cyndi waited on transition until her father had passed away because she was just SURE that he wouldn't accept her and she couldn't handle that.

When she came out to her mom...her dad has passed now...many years ago. She came out two years ago and her mom expressed that she REALLY thought it was silly to have waited because her father did want to accept her, and know her and love her regardless because love overcomes.

I'd like to think that's true...hard to say as we can't prove how a now deceased person would feel...but I'd like to believe that Cyndi's mom speaks the truth.

You'll never know how your mom really will react or feel...until you give her the chance to know you.

She kind off guessed once and she was like is it like those people who we see on Oprah where a man wants to be a woman (really cute, but this is the only place for her to know about it where I live). And I was like maybe. And she was like I don't care but make sure that your psychiatrist gets you out of the depression.

Then on another occasion I was a little bit upset and I was like we have to talk about everything if you want me to be happy and I said are you ready to talk about that and she was like I am not ready to talk about it. She was sure that she didn't want to talk about it.

So if she is ready wouldn't she bring it up?

Not likely. Parents rarely want to drag it out of their children....it's for you to tell her. It's *your* life and *your* feelings. She's given you the hints, she's walked around the edge with you. It was good of you to respect her when she said she wasn't ready to discuss it all. But when she is, it's for you to take that scary step. *hugs*

Quote from: Sevan on November 02, 2011, 04:46:32 PM
Not likely. Parents rarely want to drag it out of their children....it's for you to tell her. It's *your* life and *your* feelings. She's given you the hints, she's walked around the edge with you. It was good of you to respect her when she said she wasn't ready to discuss it all. But when she is, it's for you to take that scary step. *hugs*

I don't think it is a scary step.  It is suicide if I tell her.  What if I tell her and she gets so upset that she decides to let out all her insecurities on me? I don't think that she has questioned her gender at all and forcing her to face it might not be a good thing for me.  I have a feeling that it is like telling a closeted homosexual that you are gay.  One won't learn much from the experience and will probably not get the best advise.

so she doesn't have much exposure to this other than a tv talk show? maybe you can put together a 'watch list' of good films on DVD that slowly introduce the topic and might make her slowly think and understand such issues and also open up a way for you to discuss the topic and debate it with her without it being about you.

Quote from: the_physicist on November 02, 2011, 05:23:49 PM
so she doesn't have much exposure to this other than a tv talk show? maybe you can put together a 'watch list' of good films on DVD that slowly introduce the topic and might make her slowly think and understand such issues and also open up a way for you to discuss the topic and debate it with her without it being about you.

This could be a good idea.  Incidentally do you know of any books or movies that talk about androgyny or non-binary gender?

Quote from: Metroland on November 02, 2011, 05:30:01 PM
This could be a good idea.  Incidentally do you know of any books or movies that talk about androgyny or non-binary gender?

Well... maybe other posters can help more on this one, as all i watch is crappy B-movie sci-fi action/adenvture stuff. a film isn't good if it doesn't have zombies kind of thing. 

I don't know about androgyne, but there's this film that springs to mind as a love-story:
http://www.amazon.com/Different-Girls-Steven-Mackintosh/dp/B000034DDJ

A lot of other films seem to focus on the tragic end of the trans* character, so they might not be very appropriate. 

Quote from: Metroland on November 02, 2011, 04:31:12 PM
She kind off guessed once and she was like is it like those people who we see on Oprah where a man wants to be a woman (really cute, but this is the only place for her to know about it where I live). And I was like maybe. And she was like I don't care but make sure that your psychiatrist gets you out of the depression.

You couldn't ask at a better time to try some Testosterone blocker. Bring it right up to the shrink and ask if its do-able.
If the shrink is hesitant, I can drop you a place and name for them to get info. It's a big chunk of what they do besides take care of me.

Ativan

One thing that helped meto come out to various people was to write a letter to the person that was basicaly a script they never saw the letter but it made it easier for me to come out because Ihad put what I wanted
to tell then in writing I know of one over the top comedy with a cast of femme Males and a trans woman or 2.  the Movie is "Iron Ladies" it is a true story about a VOLLYBALL TEAM in Thailand national champains
note it has subtitles as the movie is in thai.  acording to the box the team is madeup mostly of gays ->-bleeped-<-s and transsexuals.

One thing I have learned from my experience is that I am happier being rejected/accepted by my family as myself, instead of pretending to be someone more 'appropriate'.  Family should love you for who you are without stipulations. If you are dependant on your mother this might be a lil more difficult of course, It sounds like you have a close relationship with your mother which means that she might be able to work through any issues she may (or may not) have.

It's worth noting that I have come out the other side with less people to spend xmas cards to (at least for now) but that the relationships with people I still have feel less hollow and more rewarding to me.

I totally agree with @ivan - an anti-androgen sounds like a good option for you and it isn't (in Australia anyway) too hard to get at all. Anti-androgens are also prescribed for helping prevent baldness & prostate cancer.  Meaning (again in Aus) you don't need a letter from a psychiatrist to start taking it and is, for the most part, reversable.

For me it had a larger effect on my depression than the anti-depressants and mood stabilisers I am on.

Best of luck hey.