This week has been very hard on me...My boyfriend of two years told me he wants to explore becoming a woman. We have talked about it pretty openly but I don't know if I can be with a woman. I love him but if he decides to go through with this...I don't know what to do. I am trying to be supportive but he has had to support me during this week. I have seen posts that say that if we stay together than we truly love each other and it makes me feel horrible...I do love him. I feel sad, depressed, angry and betrayed. I am just taking one day at a time right now.....

Right now you just need to give yourself a break.  Your partner dropped something huge on you, its going to take time for it to sink in.

Your partney has know this about themself for a long time and probably has been working through it since they were young.  You need time to catch up and do research.

Love is important, but your own feelings are just as important.  You two really need to sitdown and talk it through, to see exactly how it is going to impact both of you.

Through all of this, your feelings and needs are just as important as theirs.

I feel for you. I really do.

If you can't be with a woman, that's fine. But that doesn't mean you're required to lash out at/be furious with your partner. Think of how much easier it can be for someone who has the support of a good friend, rather than going at it completely alone. Keep that in mind.

Quote from: Butterflyhugs on November 04, 2011, 01:46:04 PM
If you can't be with a woman, that's fine. But that doesn't mean you're required to lash out at/be furious with your partner. Think of how much easier it can be for someone who has the support of a good friend, rather than going at it completely alone. Keep that in mind.

I believe they do have a right to be furious. Why is the OP required to stay calm and show support as if the OP's feelings don't matter? The OP didn't ask for this. And it shouldn't be all about the transperson in the relationship.

Showing support and being a good friend would be the best way to handle the situation but this is not a soap opera where there's always a happily ever after. This is real life.

  Thank you Sarah...that is some good advice and today we have decided that we are not going to talk about it. I think he is sensing that I need a break and that I am emotionally exhausted right now.
  Thank you JenJen for your comments too. I also believe that I have a right to be angry. I read in a website that partners actually go through a "loss" of their loved one and go through the grieving process. They said it is natural to be fine one minute and not the next. There is no handbook on how to handle this.
  I love my boyfriend and it is not that I am completely furious or lashing out at him right now and I am being supportive the best way I know how. Thank you all for your replies...it is nice to have some support and someone to talk to about this.

Quote from: JenJen2011 on November 04, 2011, 01:55:46 PM
I believe they do have a right to be furious. Why is the OP required to stay calm and show support as if the OP's feelings don't matter? The OP didn't ask for this. And it shouldn't be all about the transperson in the relationship.

Showing support and being a good friend would be the best way to handle the situation but this is not a soap opera where there's always a happily ever after. This is real life.

Where in my post did I say she didn't have a right to? In fact (and you can see for yourself in the words YOU QUOTED), I specifically chose not to use that phrase, because of course anger may be a natural reaction. I said it wasn't a requirement, meaning that she also has the choice to be supportive.

Stop trying to twist my words. You run the risk of making yourself look foolish and immature.

Remember folks, our responses are to tmjohnson, not to each other.

She is the who is trying to cope with major changes in what she expected from her relationship.

Thank you Sarah...I didn't want to start an argument 

I don't think it would be possible to react in any other way to a shock like this.  My heart goes out to you.  How you handle it is a different matter, and probably something you need to be a bit more settled before considering. If you start from the basis that you love one another,and keep that in mind, then you have a better chance of reaching decisions without blame and guilt. 

Looking at the question slightly differently, what would be your feelings if your boyfriend contracted some rare fatal disease that could only be cured by physocal transition?  In a way that is what GID is for some people, who have a hard time coming to terms with the idea. Sometimes it unfortunately does prove fatal.

Whatever happens, remember nothing will occur overnight.  It is a slow torturous process in most places, and everyone is different.

Karen.

 

Thanks I will have to take that into consideration. I am just taking one day at a time right now. I know that is all I can do.

Hello,
I am Cynthia. I am a bit of a rare bird in that I am not only trans...I married anouther trans person.

I know what it is like when a spouse says they are going to transition. It is hard. Harder on the spouse than the transitioner.
We made it through not one but 2 transitions in this home so I have a solid grasp what spouses go through.

I hate to take it here but....
If you are not at least somewhat bisexual, then the sexual component of your relationship will come to an end soon. If you are then perhaps you can navigate the rough waters that are coming. If not, then the best you can hope for is a best friends relationship. Most couples that have a transition in the home fail. Very few survive and the ones that do are not without some serious pitfalls and pain.
Even though I am a transsexual, it was very hard for me to deal with the thought of my spouse also transitioning.
If it was hard for me, anouther transsexual to get over it...how much harder is this process for you who have not spent a lifetime pondering gender?

If you can not be with a woman, then that is ok. You do not have to force yourself to stay in a relationship that is not going to work for you.

Please keep in mind your spouse is in a very vulnerable place right now and talk of family dynamics and a potential divorce would not be a good idea right now.
Support her but keep your boundaries well defined and respect yourself.

It was already mentioned but it bears repeating: She has had a life time to come to terms with her gender. You have only had a short amount of time. Give yourself time to think this out. As you are curently under allot of stress you are not likely to be able to think this out completly and thoroughly until you have had some time.

My heart genuinly hurts for you.
I know what you are going through.

Thank you for your response. I know for sure that I can not be with a woman. He has found support online and I feel that is good but feeling a little left out. I don't have support besides this forum. We are going to tell my best friend today so that I have more of a support system. But thank you very much for your post...any post will help me feel not so alone right now.

There are support groups out there specifically for spouses of trans male to females like yourself.
The names escape me at the moment.
There was a good yahoo groups that my spouse went to when I first started my transition. But ze soon came to terms with being trans also and started transition and was no longer allowed to be in the spouses group as ze was also trans. I asked hir what the name was but all ze can remember is that it was a yahoo group for spouses of trangender folks.

Keep in mind that inspite of all the surprises and troubles that you fell in love with this person.

Even if you can not be the wife to a woman you have a wonderful oportunity to help this person who is very close to you become the person they are destined to be.
There is just so much you can help her with. You know all the things about being a woman in this society that she doesn't.
You have a chance here to help your husband become the woman she needs to be.

If she is anything like most of the trans women I know who got married and had kids, she tried desperatly for years to be the man that society told her she sould be from the day she was born.
The thing is, this GID pain does not go away unless the person afflicted with it deals with it head on. For the vast majority of us the only cure is transition.

I can not lie to you, you will loose your husband. Even if you somehow decide to be bestest friends and live togather and raise the kids in the same home.
However you will gain a friend for life who is a happy person.

The trade off is a constantly depressed and disfunctional husband, for an engaged and happy friend.

Even though I am remain married to my spouse and we are still in love and intend on going to the end togather I mourn the loss of my wife. But that mourning is short lived when I remember what Sara was like and I compare that person to Sevan.
With Sara, I was constantly on suicide watch for 6 years. I counted pills and locked the guns up at all times.
With Sevan, I haven't had the slightest worry about these things. I think I locked the guns up last time they were cleaned, but I am not sure. I am not worried about it. I haven't counted pills in 2 years.
I'd call that a win.
Even if I could not be with Sevan anymore I could at least walk away knowing that my spouse is a happy well adjusted person and not worry about hir doing something stupid.

Susan's Resources: It can also be found at the top of the page.
Live Chat Support Meetings for TG Wives: Friday night, 7 PM East. time.
The Transgendered Planet: An active yahoo support group, for FTM, MTF, and spouses.
More Links for Spouses: If you scroll down 2/3rds down, there will be a list of of viable resources that may interest you.
Live Journal Support for Spouses:
More Resources: Based in Pennsylvania but still some good information.
Just a Little Reading: MtF talks about her spouse's experience.

Just thought I'd drop off some resources that might help.

Even under the most ideal of circumstances, such as my own with a spouse who knew from practically day one about my gender issues, an SO will often go through many, if not all, the Kubler-Ross stages of grief. The revelation made to you came after a lifetime of him living it. Naturally its a total shocker to you, anger since this isn't what you signed up for, and just plain emotionally burnt out right now from all the talking. Perhaps all the talking is even making you feel pressured.

I know how difficult what I am wrestling with is for my wife. We can talk for hours each day about most things. After dropping the tactical nukes I did over the past year, after the initial all day talks, followed by the day or two after talk, it is time for us both to take a breather for a week or two. In fact I know I need the time to digest all that my Number One has said to me.

It has been a heavy week for you and you need time to take it all in, to think, to digest it all, to get a grip on how you are really feeling. A time out of a few days, or even weeks, might be in order.

Thank you for sharing your stories, resources and advice. It is much appreciated at this time. I do need a break. But I don't see one in my near future. We tried the other day but he was depressed so I helped him feel better and put my own needs aside. I will do whatever it takes to support him right now...even if it means putting my needs aside. That is just the kind of person I am.