More of a rant/vent than anything, just as a forewarning.

For clarification, I'm completely out to my mom. She's completely supportive, as she's always been, but still trying to get used to name changes and such. It's not too terrible, because she's almost always called me at least Nikki or Noodles (which I still love).

My dad however, I am not out to. And he's one of those people that seems to have this inborn necessity to call everyone by their full name, especially me. And it hurts.

One more little tidbit: ever since we moved here, my dad and I have no been exceptionally close (I've mentioned this at other times on here, I'm almost positive). He's very hard to talk to, and while he's a good person at heart, can be a fantastic douchebag at times (generally without warning or provocation).

So, last night, my aunt was coming into town for the first time in months and I was over at my parents, hanging out in the living room with the dogs, waiting for her to get there. My dad's joking around and playfully ragging on me, and I'm ragging on him back when he says that name and I kind of instinctively draw down into my hoodie, pull my dog a bit closer and wait for the anxiety to go away. About ten seconds later, my mom corrects him and says "Nick. Nick or Nikki, she likes that better". I almost start tearing up here, because my mom is trying for me.

My dad then replies, with no spite or anything, matter of factly "Well, that's her name. That's her real name, and she'll just have to deal with it".

And that's where I started to crash. My mom just sat there staring at me, not saying anything. My aunt showed up, and bless my increasingly useful talent for lying because I played the ->-bleeped-<- out of being fine, and yes these allergies are just wreaking havoc on my poor little eyes. Something came on the tv about some guy's daughter being a snotty brat, my dad was laughing, and then my mom starts in on this near-tirade about "How lucky they were to have me". 

Yet another snatch of clarification, my mom had two miscarriages after me, so she's always been exceptionally clingy to me.

And one more, my dad always wanted a daughter. Always. I've thought, and said, for years that the reason we never got along well was because my dad wanted a daughter, and instead he got me. An ugly little punchline to a sick cosmic joke.

well, my mom's going on and on about how lucky they are, and how wonderful I am, staring at me all along and its getting harder not to sob. I love my mom, endlessly, for being the way she is but sometimes I just...regret that she cares. Regret that she's one of the biggest things keeping me from falling back into that lovely blackness of alcoholism, keeping me from throwing myself off our convenient 3-story porch, keeping me from any number of unsavory ends. I just kept thinking how the hell can she think that she's lucky? I'm 22 without a job, have nearly two years of lost memories from my drinking, can't even just suck it up and be a good little girl. I don't get how the hell she can love me, or how anyone can for that matter. I wanted to break down and sob, curl up on the couch next to her like a five year old and just lose it, knowing that s

he'd hear me out and understand and not judge me, but I couldn't. One of the things I learned from my dad and just can't break myself of is that crying is weak. So, so weak and so abhorrent.

So I ran to the bathroom like a bitch and sobbed, smeared snot all over my dear boyfriend's expensive hoodie and chewed down on my arm so I wouldn't scream. I sobbed and thought about taking those expensive surgical scissors in the cabinet and stabbing them right through my ugly little heart, about cutting every inch of this worthless sack of ->-bleeped-<-, and bleeding myself out all over that nice costly rug in the bathroom. I keep thinking of this even now, back with my two best friends, on my couch. I keep thinking of this near constantly because there are other factors that I don't have the patience or strength to even begin on right now.

The worst of it were the flashbacks to St.John's. Curled into a corner in the bathroom, sobbing my eyes out, feeling so absolutely alienated and ugly and alone, I could almost smell that goddamn place again. I could almost feel them, hear them, everything. I left after that. I called Ben hysterical, told him something happened and I couldn't wait it out, went out and bull->-bleeped-<-ted my way through leaving and ran across the parking lot in such hysterics that I was almost puking. I climbed the stairs back to the apartment, back to home, and stood at the top scream-crying. I wanted to fly, I wanted to fly so badly and just lose this ->-bleeped-<-ing weight and I couldn't. Not with my two lovelies ten feet away inside this warm, beautiful house. Not with my incredible mom a few yards away, probably worrying about me. So I fought with the door, got inside, and collapsed into his arms to sob for about two more hours.

Eventually, I felt better. Ben and Julie both are incredibly sweet in those moments, supporting and being and somehow understanding. I finished out the night having a fantastic time, eating chocolate cake and listening to music with Julie, but I woke up remembering what'd happened initially and just felt it all over again. I've been sick all morning since. I can't eat without gagging, I can't even smoke. so I'm hiding on the couch until ben gets home, scared ->-bleeped-<-less that if I make a move for anything, even innocuous things, something terrible (or wonderful, depending on who's side you're on) may happen.
Things have been bad, I've got to say. Things have been so very, very, ->-bleeped-<-ing bad.

I'm sorry it was bad for you. I really don't have anything useful to say, I just wanted you to know this was heard and seen and you're not alone and stuff.

The porch thing. I hear you there.

I wish I could give some pratical help.

I guess if we lived close by I'd phone you and we'd hang.

*hugs*

I want to echo what Derek and Bird have said.

Hang in there Nick. We're here for you.

i'm so sorry bro...
parents can just be a pain like that and i know it sucks now but you got to just keeping looking forward to the future
i mean you wont be with your parents forever
and one day you'll have a job and live happily w/your partner
sorry i don't have much to offer, but as the others have said, just hang in there and know that if something ever happened to you many people would be very sad... you mom, your boi, julie, your aunt, and even though you may not think so your dad would miss you too... so keep your chin up and know that if all else fails you've got us on your side
*mega-super-ultra-hug*

Nick, please, hang in there. I know it can be tough. You're only 22, you are not running out of time, don't worry. My father has always told me how glad he is to have a daughter, how annoying it would be to have a son. I was born prematurely and due to some small difference in the development of the immunal system, I would have died at birth had I been born a boy. This is, to me, the nasty punchline to the mean-spirited joke of my life. I can relate to that terrible feeling when you're afraid to get out of bed because of the things you might do then, that feeling when you cannot trust yourself and your own mind. I don't want to make you sadder still because of this post, God knows you've had quite enough of sadness in your life. Please just hang in there, these dark days will not last forever. Is there any way you might legally change your name? How much does it cost where you live, is it possible for you to take a small loan to afford it?

I'm sorry if this post is unhelpful. I'm not good at these things at all. Feel free to send me a PM if you want to talk. I wish I could do more than just this to help you.

My god you're making me fall apart. Your description of how you feel and how that's manifested is pretty jarring. Last time I felt like that was in response to some stuff I'll probably never talk about here because it was too awful.

It sucks it sucks it sucks. You know that. Hang out more with your boyfriend and friends. Be tough. Your body and your original gender assignment are not your fault. The unfairness of the world seems to be tipped a little hard against you, so grit your teeth and don't forget how awesome you are.

I actually do know how you feel, in a round about way. I found a way to get around the "real name" thing myself ... it's not one of those things that instantly makes me upset anymore. There isn't a sure method for getting around something like that that's universal. It's all so personalized. For me, I had to detach all the connotations of a name (gender-specific, etc.) and just think of it as a word.

Unlike most people here I never "came out" to my parents. Didn't really have the heart to. My dad has never treated me like "daddy's little girl" - he always treated me like  a son anyway. Yeah, he'd refer to me as his daughter to others but there has always been kind of an unspoken thing between us. There were also times when my mom would rag on me about "not looking female enough" and that I needed to do things like start wearing make up and later on that day my dad would say to me, "you need to do any of that sh*t, you are who you are." But yeah, I never just sat both of them down and told them how I feel. I don't really regret not doing it. For me, it was just easier and it didn't inhibit who I really was. Some may call that a sacrifice on my part, but oh well, what's done is done and I'm way past that point. I'm not sure if my parents really wanted a boy or girl. I think they just wanted a healthy baby. And yeah, I was healthy, with some extra parts (which is what I always considered the universe's sick little joke).

You are lucky to have one parent who you've told and they're totally accepting. That is really genuine love there ... as I feel ALL parents should love their children unconditionally. And your mom seems to do that, so that's awesome. It sounds like if you told your dad, he would not be as unconditionally accepting. If you don't have to see him that often, you can continue with your life however you like. I know there's some others on the board here that put on an "act" (for lack of a better word) around parents or other family just to make it easier on everyone. Your dad seems to have the "daddy's little girl" blinders on at least to some extent in that he'll always just see you as his daughter - unwilling to even use your preferred name. But even him acting like that doesn't change who you are. It's just a "trigger" right now and triggers can be removed. But like I said, there's a million and one individual paths to finding out what your own personalized way of dealing with stuff is. At least you've got your mom, and your boyfriend and stuff who are there to support you - and it doesn't sound like you're afraid to pull them in when you need them, so that's good too.

Thankyou so, so much, all you guys. Seriously, it means the world to me, and I'm sorry that almost every time I post something its along these unpleasant lines. I ended up sick as hell today because of all this, it scared the living hell out of me. Laid down on the couch and kept blacking out and shaking, tried to go throw up and ended up crawling. I feel a hell of a lot better now, though. Its just terrifying to me, that complete loss of control. I've always hated crying as it is, being a gibbering pile of misery is scary beyond words to me.

My mom is...one of a kind, I'll say that much. She's got a similar look to insideontheoutside, that a name should just be a word. She's not a bitch about it, but she keeps trying to tell me to just think of it as that. Its impossible to get through to her, though. My mom doesn't seem to see genders or orientations or any goddamn thing, she just sees people as people and can't comprehend how someone doesn't think like that. I envy her for that incredible outlook, but I hate that it makes things difficult to explain to her. She's amazing, though. I'd lose it without her.

PixieBoy, that's horrible. I'm sorry, man, that's scary and depressing and just...I'm sorry. Julie was 4 months premature, almost died when she was an infant, and her mother's never realized how lucky she was.

When we've got the money, I think I'm going to do the name change. My living situation is really weird, there's a lot of factors contributing to it that I'm honestly afraid to say anywhere out in the open, but suffice to say I technically live with my parents, while all my things (and time) are with Ben and Julie. I live there 5-6 days out of the week, unofficially. So all my mail has to go to my parents. But I don't give a ->-bleeped-<- anymore. He can say whatever he wants, I'm getting that name changed. For all of his on/off douchebaggery, he's never really poked into my personal life at all. We're incredibly distant, and he doesn't know the actual me at all. And frankly, its better that way. Let him have his memories and delusion, I'm done having mine.

When I'm not in the middle of that blackness, I'm almost hopeful about things. I've got my two best friends on my side, and 99% of my family.  I love all you guys, for responding, for never laughing at me, and for understanding all this miserable, confusing hell. I wish none of us had to feel like this, ever, but I'm incredibly thankful that we're at least able to find other people dredging along through it. No one should have to go this alone, and I'm eternally grateful to whatever may or may not be out there that led those two wonderful people to me. I'd be dead without Ben, I know that, and while it scares me it makes me love him and appreciate him more than I can ever put into words.

Quoteand I'm sorry that almost every time I post something its along these unpleasant lines.

No way, man. In most of my experience with you, you've been confident and positive. Certainly cooler than I feel. You don't come across as intrinsically unhappy, just up against a whole lot of complication and hardship.

I hope things get better.

Nick, sorry to come to this late, but I want you to know I'm here if you need to talk.

I've told myself some of those same exact things. Been perplexed and almost scared when people love me and I can't figure out why they'd ever want to. I often thought I was utterly worthless because I'm 25 and have been unemployed or underemployed my entire adult life, and for a long time I was sick and overweight and dealing with memory loss and the inability to even walk around the block because of my illness, and I was too depressed to give a damn about it. So while I can't know where you've been exactly, I think we've had some of the same obstacles in life. It sucks. It sucks hard. But I'm glad you're getting through it, because if you can, then so can I , and so can the twenty people who read this and felt the same way but didn't respond. 

Quote from: N.Chaos on November 05, 2011, 11:00:00 PM
Thankyou so, so much, all you guys. Seriously, it means the world to me, and I'm sorry that almost every time I post something its along these unpleasant lines.

Your're welcome Nick, and you don't have to apologize for a post like this. You're going through a difficult situation and we're here for you. We're here to lean on each other.

I wish I had seen this sooner. I am so sorry, Nick. I feel very much the same sometimes, and I have for years. I put on this happy face for years, and now its hard to actually let myself feel fear, anger, and confusion without guilt. I am seriously just a newbie here, but I agree with everyone else. If there is one thing I can say, (and feel semi-comfortable speaking for others) we are here for you.

Hold on. You are never alone. Count the blessings that you have, and know that your boyfriend and mother will help you through. It's hard, and I think a lot of guys here know that. The reason I came here was for support, and to know that I wasn't alone. I lurk more than anything else, but I finally realize I am not alone in my fears and frustrations.

You're not alone. Remember that, dear.

Ayden, sometimes I wish I could share him with more people, honestly. If just a few more people had someone like him in their lives, I swear the world would be at least a little bit better. same goes for my mom, she's something else.

I can relate to living behind a mask though, and its not pleasant. I never put on a happy face or forced myself to be pleasant, I was probably the complete opposite to that really. I was a horrible person for years, catholic school (from what I've had friends tell me) was a bit like jail, especially in the sense that after 6 years of that it got incredibly hard to deal with the rest of the world. That was a lifetime ago, but I'm still stuck in uber-survival-bastard mode. Blame it on St Johns, other experiences, or my own inability to cope and change, but I wake up some days still convinced that the next person I walk by is either going to verbally attack me or try and kill me.

Wolfsnake, I feel like I should PM you or something, its like you just described my past 4-5 years in a nutshell (sans the massive amounts of drinking).

You're all so awesome, really.

I wrote a post but I felt like it was to judgmental on your parents.  It's not my place to judge.  So I'm just going to point you towards this website because it describes exactly the situation you seems to be caught in.

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq5.html

It's just something to consider.  I was caught in a situation very similar myself and even 2 years later I'm still struggling to get free.   

Quote from: Squirrel698 on November 08, 2011, 01:23:53 PM
I wrote a post but I felt like it was to judgmental on your parents.  It's not my place to judge.  So I'm just going to point you towards this website because it describes exactly the situation you seems to be caught in.

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq5.html

It's just something to consider.  I was caught in a situation very similar myself and even 2 years later I'm still struggling to get free.

Not offended in the least, just a bit confused. It sounds to me like what's described is more the suffocating over-attachment; my dad has always been (or at least since we moved here) almost obsessively distant. My mom and I are incredibly close, but she's never been controlling in the least, always respected my privacy (even when I was a jackass to her) and has always just been cool about things. I probably misread something, I'm distracted as hell by our ->-bleeped-<- neighbors.