Heya everyone, how we all doing ?  Not quite sure if this fits here or not but it's kinda related to hormones I think so someone can always move it later if it's better suited elsewhere.

I am not really sure where to begin with this one, lets just say that the last week feels like it has been one of the worst in my life !!  What's happened to make me feel this way ?  Pretty much nothing, on the whole it's been a pretty normal week - nothing bad has actually happened !!  I had been feeling a little down about some stupid stuff that's gone on with my two closest friends but nothing to make me feel the way I have been.

I spent most of Tuesday sitting at my desk in work crying my eyes out about pretty much nothing.  I was feeling like the whole world hated me and that I hated it back, I couldn't be bothered doing anything and even though I had slept reasonably well I felt so tired that I just wanted to be back in my bed.  I didn't do any work and was in a really foul mood all day, it was even worse by the time I got home in as much as I felt as though there wasn't even any point in being alive any more.  I didn't want to be in house on my own and was not only feeling really lonely but also isolated and extremely insecure about both the relationships I have with people around me and also my friends.  I was questioning myself about if they really were my friends and couldn't think of any reason why they would want to be friends with me.  I wanted my best friend there to give me hug but knew there was no way she would be able to come over to see me.  I texted her as she was suffering with a really bad cold so I wasn't sure if she was going to be in bed or not.  She didn't text back so I just sat there with no idea what to do with myself, I was tired but didn't want to go to bed, doing anything at all seemed like so much hassle.  Again it felt as though it would just be so much easier to just take my own life, its so upsetting to look back on that thought as its been such a long time since I have truly felt that way, eventually I went to bed but didn't sleep wonderfully well.

My friend texted me early Wednesday morning when she got up apologising that she had only just got my text and telling me off as I should have just called if I had needed her.  She told me to call her when I got home that evening so of I went to work.  Once again I struggled to get anything done and spent most of the day mopping around, crying about nothing, snapping at people and just generally feeling sorry for myself.  I somehow got through the day without committing a murder and called my friend when I got home.  She was out with our other friend so once again the tears start along with the feelings of insecurity and just hating everyone and everything.  My dad had also been annoying over previous few days with his belief that I cant do anything for myself anymore and trying to not only tell me how to decorate my house but also decorate it for me.  Just because I am female it doesn't mean I cant paint a wall or design a fitted wardrobe, I honestly don't know how I managed to bite my tongue and say nothing insulting to him.  So anyway, my friend calls me back and is still sounding like a dog's dinner.  She tells me she is going to bed as she still isn't well but wants to know what's up with me.  I told her I don't really know but ask her if she will always be my friend no matter what, she didn't really understand why I was asking her that or where that question has come from and wanted to know if I had changed my mind about transitioning, lol.  Transitioning is the best thing I have ever done with my life so I tell her that its nothing to do with that, she said she would always be my friend so I started to feel a little happier.  We had a quick chat and arranged to catch up over the next few days.  Again, I didn't want to go to bed even though it was late and waited until I pretty much couldn't keep my eyes open before I decided to get some sleep.

Thursday morning was pretty horrendous so I phoned in sick to work and said I would be back on Monday morning.  My friend called me again that morning and once she knew I was off sick suggested I come and stay for a few days so over to hers I went.  We didn't really do much but just having some company did cheer me up.  I was still being moody, was crying for no reason and it was just such an effort to get up and do anything of a morning.  Its only on Saturday that I felt a little better and today (Sunday) that I actually feel like life is worth living and its getting back to normal.  I have had a great night's sleep, have been up since 6:30am and am in the process of tidying the whole house.  I cant wait to sit down in front of the tele tonight with my crossstitch and am really looking forward to going to the gym next week and also to work believe it or not !!  Hmmm, maybe I have gone mad.  So what the hell just happened ?

My friend started her period on Friday evening whilst I was staying with her.  It was a couple of days later than she expected but in the recent months the timing has been off several times.  She used to be in sync with our other friend as they live really near each other and used to spend loads of time together, but in the last 6 months she and I have been doing a lot more together and spending a lot more time together.  As I think back over the last 6 months there are 4 times I can recall feeling depressed, moody and angry for pretty much no reason at all.  Each time its has happened just before her period has started.  When I felt really down in December just before Xmas I put it down to work and the time of the year but she came on a few days later.  January I was a really moody cow in work and kept snapping at people and just afterwards she came on, February was also the same but this month (March) has by far been the worst so far.

So, is it possible for a TS on HRT to somehow become in sync with a genetic females periods ?

If so is it possible that I am experiencing some sort of PMT/PMS ?  Or is it just down to the fact I am a moody cow anyway ? (be careful how you answer that one)   

Could it just be down to the fact I am still adjusting to HRT, after all it not even 6 months since I started ?

Based on how bad I have been over the last week should I be discussing it with my doctor or is this just a case of getting on with life the best you can ?  Could it all just be in my own head ?

Any thoughts or suggestions would be most welcome !!

Becky
xx

This is ONLY my opinion, but....I would say yes.

I think that any transitioning M2F is going to experiemce the regular roller coaster of hormones and WILL have a "time of month" per se and in that belief I would add that any females spending much time together will inevitably become in synch with their cycles. That being said, what you have been feeling I would describe as PMS. Now I have to admit that I have never had ANY issues with the emotional roller coaster of PMS until AFTER I had my tubes tied about 8 or 9 yrs ago. I had nothing but other people to base what I began feeling on. I used to laugh at girls who complained about pms because I didnt believe it really existed because I never experienced it - apparently I spent my teen and early adult yrs blessed to not have had PMS. Whole different story now. I do get sad, not moody not mad just a hollow unexplained saddness about a week before my period that generally lasts 2 or 3 days.

I get my hormones from time release pellets implanted in my butt every 4 months and a monthly booster shot and have had no emotional side effects. In fact, the doctor I use claims that emotional side effects are rare with this method. I don't know if it is available outside of Los Angeles but I know of two doctors in the LA area offering it.

As well, my 19 year old daughter had to have a full hysterectomy last year and is on HRT. She got her pellets a week ago. She got a partial testosterone pellet too and says she feels much better than when she was on pills or patches.

Danielle

Hi Becky, Welcome to PMS land.  My girlfriend and I have been sharing an apartment for a while.  for the last two months when she got PMS, I got pms.  Boy am I glad when her cycle starts :-).  She said when she was in collage that girls that lived together, tended to cycle together.   So I'd say from my own experence that it is possible and not much fun.   

Quote from: beckster on March 18, 2007, 08:23:11 AM
If so is it possible that I am experiencing some sort of PMT/PMS ?  Or is it just down to the fact I am a moody cow anyway ? (be careful how you answer that one)   

Could it just be down to the fact I am still adjusting to HRT, after all it not even 6 months since I started ?

You know I am way more an emotional person since I started HRT and transitioned so I think it is just that and nothing more.

Many people think it is possible,  but I consider that wishful thinking unless you simulate the up and down hormone level that a genetic female has it just isn't the same as PMS.

True you know have a female hormones floating through your veins and it is going to effect you maybe profoundly but I personally don't think it is PMS.


Kristina

tink

Quote from: beckster on March 18, 2007, 08:23:11 AM
Could it just be down to the fact I am still adjusting to HRT, after all it not even 6 months since I started ? Based on how bad I have been over the last week should I be discussing it with my doctor or is this just a case of getting on with life the best you can ?  Could it all just be in my own head ?

By all means, if you trust your physician, talk to him/her about your emotions. It may be an adjustment of the dosage or type is necessary and helpful. As much as you want to transistion, your physical and mental health should be paramount, and while lower dosage may take longer (although seeing your photo, you're far better along than many of us - ok, we're envious or jealous a little), it will improve your overall life. Remember you're talking the rest of your life, not just your transistion.

In your head? Well, hormones will do that, sneak in changes you least expect in ways you don't. There probably isn't any part of your brain that isn't getting rewired and the mind is reflecting those effects. And add existing in and getting through life today, whew, it's a mindful to stay sane. I've been amazed at the effects during my transistion and I'm on low dosages for health reasons.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

--Susan--

Heya Everyone, thanks for all your replies !!

Am still not sure one way or the other about this whole being in sync thing.  It can deffo happen with genetic females, I have no doubt about that.  When I was talking about it on the phone today with the friend I have already mentioned she was so shocked when I explained it all and we went back through the dates I haven't been myself and she has been on, although by the end she couldn't stop laughing at how I have been lately - its is kinda funny in way !!

Although I do remember reading somewhere what Krisstina said about hormones levels and it being the ups and downs that have a lot to do with it, maybe it's not PMS but it's definitely something.  It will be interesting to see what happens next month around this time ??

Quote from: Kiera on March 18, 2007, 11:59:11 AM
beckster, why on earth would you say a thing like that for?? True friendship is unconditional - it is not for you to ask why!!

The only answer I can give you Kiera is insecurity !!  There are times that I am constantly worrying that I am going to lose this person as a friend, that she doesn't want to spend time with me and she would rather be doing other things with other people, even just saying this is enough to get my crying again.  I can honestly say that I have never had a friend like her in my life, just the thought of her not being my friend absolutely terrifies me.  However, whilst I was thinking about things on Sunday evening I have come to understand that as close as we both are there will be times she is going to be out with her kids/husband or will doing other things with other people that don't involve me.  That doesn't mean we aren't friends anymore, I just need to deal with that fact.  I think the thing that frightens me the most is that I seem to want to hold on to her so much that I can actually see her getting sick of me.  I need to get a good balance of spending quality time with her doing the things we enjoy and also leading my own life which needs to involve me making other friends and also accepting the fact that I am a single woman who lives alone so potentially there will be a lot of time I am going to be by myself.  And just because I am by myself it doesn't mean no one cares about me or wants to be my friend.

Wow, I kinda feel better for just having said all that !! 

Quote from: Kiera on March 18, 2007, 11:59:11 AM
please tell me your NOT doing injectable or patches because if so I've seen this complaint here before!!!

Nope, I have Estraidol and Cyproterone tablets of which I take 1 of each daily.  My doctor did discuss the option of injections once things have stabilised and he his happy with dosages though.  I never realised that injections or patches could be that bad though ?

Quote from: SusanK on March 19, 2007, 12:06:50 PM
By all means, if you trust your physician, talk to him/her about your emotions. It may be an adjustment of the dosage or type is necessary and helpful. As much as you want to transition, your physical and mental health should be paramount, and while lower dosage may take longer (although seeing your photo, you're far better along than many of us - ok, we're envious or jealous a little), it will improve your overall life. Remember you're talking the rest of your life, not just your transition.

I will be speaking to my doctor, although I don't hold out much hope.  Don't get me wrong, he has really done the best he can for me but he has never treated anyone in my situation before and neither had any of the other doctors in the surgery.  There are times I have felt a little like a guinea pig but I will be talking about how I feel and will see where things go from there.

I don't know about being that far along hon, I feel at times I still have a long long way to go but maybe I should be grateful for what I have been given in terms of looks, so thank you for the compliment.  To be honest, I don't think I really look that much different to before I started hormones.  But you are definitely right with regards to dosages and times, its not something I need to rush - I would rather take things a little more slowly now if needs be.

It interesting what Tink said about how long does it actually take to adjust though ?  At the end of the day we are all unique people taking different dosages of different tablets so is the experience different for everyone ?  From what you have all said it would seem it is different but as long as its gets better eventually I think I can live with it for the moment.

Thanks again everyone for all your replies

Becky
xx

Hello beckster.

Just a quick point...  There is no scientific evidence that supports the theory that HRT causes emotional changes in transsexuals.  Now having said that it is obvious from simply reading the posts in the various topics around the forums that many TS on HRT feel that HRT has caused emotional changes in them.  I too have experienced emotional changes but I don't believe that the changes were caused by HRT rather the changes were caused by finally realizing the freedom to finally express myself as I should, such as being able to freely cry for what ever reason and not worry or fear ridicule.  Prior to SRS I was required to stop my HRT and one would think that if the emotional changes were caused by HRT that my old emotional self would re-emerg, but they didn't.

Just my thoughts.

Steph

Thats so funny.  When I started, I turned into a nervous wreck, so I definitely attibute my emotional changes to HRT, no question about it.

Quote from: Steph on March 19, 2007, 06:01:27 PM
Just a quick point...  There is no scientific evidence that supports the theory that HRT causes emotional changes in transsexuals.  Now having said that it is obvious from simply reading the posts in the various topics around the forums that many TS on HRT feel that HRT has caused emotional changes in them.  I too have experienced emotional changes but I don't believe that the changes were caused by HRT rather the changes were caused by finally realizing the freedom to finally express myself as I should, such as being able to freely cry for what ever reason and not worry or fear ridicule.  Prior to SRS I was required to stop my HRT and one would think that if the emotional changes were caused by HRT that my old emotional self would re-emerg, but they didn't.

I agree with what you're saying about the freedom allowing you to express emotions more freely and I DID cry before starting on HRT, but a couple months after starting, it became much easier to cry than it was before.  So I think it's really a combination of the 2.

Melissa

Quote from: Melissa on March 19, 2007, 06:32:18 PM
I agree with what you're saying about the freedom allowing you to express emotions more freely and I DID cry before starting on HRT, but a couple months after starting, it became much easier to cry than it was before.  So I think it's really a combination of the 2.

Agreed. I always cried fairly easily, though I could usually control it. Once I started seriously tackling all this a year ago though, that control began to erode. Once I started HRT... god... forget it. Basket case. I cry at anything, anytime, and often for no reason I can figure. It's almost as if HRT doesn't so much unlock as *emphasize* what was already there.

Guys too... I started noticing guys before HRT, as soon as I started seriously, SERIOUSLY facing who I was. Shocked the HECK out of me. But now, seven months into HRT, "notice" isn't quite the word, lol...

Kate

As far as I know there is more evidence that suggests that HRT produces emotional changes in transsexuals although I also agree with has been said here, that our sense of freedom causes us to be happier.  But what about FTM's?  Evidence shows that they become more agressive with testosterone.  Interesting!

See this link


tink

Quote from: Steph on March 19, 2007, 06:01:27 PM
Hello beckster.

Just a quick point...  There is no scientific evidence that supports the theory that HRT causes emotional changes in transsexuals....

This is true because there few scientists researching transpeople to understand the emotional and mental changes in transpeople over their transistion, and even if it was done, all of the data is subjective and anecdotal by the individual. Since hormones originally set the body and mind, and are part of the whole body-mind system throughout one's life to regulate physical and mental states, what's not to accept it has changes when it's reversed with hrt?

There's psychological research describing the effects of testostrone on male emotions and behavior and hrt on female emotions and behavoir, so why wouldn't there be effects on transpeople? It seems obvious even if there isn't any reported studies. Even my therapist and my physician recognizes the changes, and the latter would agree with the dearth of studies like to see them done.

Instead of being a side-effect, hrt is the effect, what drives the changes and the rest are the results in the mind and the body. Just my thoughts.

--Susan--