Five years, it has been five years since I left the military and started transition. In that time the only thing i've really done is grow a pair of a-cup and reduced my facial hair by around 30%. I've had an interesting trip getting to where I am today, but the frustration, doubt, and daily pressures from multible sources is making me rethink if transition is what I was meant to do.

Monday I walked into my office to drop off my time sheet and CNA notes from my visits. I made the mistake of asking my coworker and boss what they think I should do about a girl I had, for some reason, asked out. She is 20 and me 27 but she seems very interesting. But apparently I had asked her out as a guy so I wondered if I should just tell her outright or see if I make it to a second date then ask her. Apparently this question sparked a talk with my boss, who is hardline christian, that maybe I should just stay a guy if I am going to date girls. When my director of nursing came in, she joined in. In the course of the conversation I was called a handsome man/ugly woman, confused, working for the 'enemy', and clueless and foundation-less in my relation to God and Jesus. Though I was angry, that little voice reminded me that I had asked the question to begin with and they had given their opinion. But it did make me wonder what i'm doing

I'm 6'4", and I am handsome as a guy but probably not as beutiful as I would think I am. If I stay a guy the worst problem I will have is trying to get rid of my breasts and worring if I can have sexual intercourse. Viagra I assume would fix most problems with the second bit. at the same time I don't know if I just want to suddenly say that I 'wasted' the last 5 years. Am I happy as a woman? I dunno, i don't feel emotion that well and never have, but I do know i'm not suicidal like I was 5 years ago. But I gave up a career, a potential fiancee, and numerous other little things to get to where I am today. At the same time human contact and friends have been hard to come by since, at least in this town, most people avoid me since at the very least i'm 'different.

About the only thing my bosses got right was that i'm confused right now. Am I a man or a Woman? Truth be told I feel the same either way since I have to work as a guy to be able to see some clients. I don't know if this makes me 'less' of a trnasexual, but these days I get this nagging feeling that maybe I was just supposed to do this to learn some things, and now that i've learned them its time to go back to being a guy. To think this all got sparked off from asking a girl out I had only talked to for 10min at best. I see her tomorrow night, wonder how this will play out? 

No such thing as "less of a transexual"! Every trans person is different just like every cis-person is different.

I know its probs not much help but you just gotta be true to yourself.

It sounds like you really just need to take a day or two off from just about everything and think about where you're at right now.

Firstly, I'll ask if when you asked this girl out, did you do it as a guy because you knew that's what she liked? Or did you do it as a guy because that's how you wanted it to be?
Secondly, I'll say that sexual orientation and your gender shouldn't be hardwired to one another. You can still be a woman, and date women, if that's what you want of course.

I can understand where you're coming from, it seems like you have a lot of negativity around you regarding your transition, and to carry on with all of that is an incredible feat. I'm sort of mind blown to hear that you dropped the majority of your life to transition, it seems like at that time you had to be more than sure of yourself to do all of that.

Personally, I just think you might be looking at your transition negatively because everyone else is. I know a few times, I've felt because the people around me dislike what I'm doing, that I disliked it too, and I momentarily become disgusted with everything I'm involved with transition-wise. But it's a temporary feeling for me that I always shake myself out of.

Maybe you should seek out a more positive environment, a support group maybe, it could work wonders just to have people around you who are positive in your choice to transition.

Sounds like your lonely and well to not be you have to play the guy.. you also have people you work for who don't seem to support you... The final decision is never the final decision so go for it and you will find out sooner or later.. right now is too soon to share deep stuff with a new friend 

You need to get things adjusted. Being a transsexual isn't a fantasy. Too many people get wrapped up in the "If I was a girl, my life would be different". It doesn't quite work that way.

It is really hard to hear your own inner voice when everyone else around is basically yelling.
Like already mentioned you really seem to need a little break from everything in order to find again your inner voice and your true self.
Swimming upstream for 5 years is just not easy. I hope you find a little moment to rest and continue YOUR path!
best of luck!

Quote from: ForWantOf on November 16, 2011, 01:48:18 PM
It sounds like you really just need to take a day or two off from just about everything and think about where you're at right now.

Firstly, I'll ask if when you asked this girl out, did you do it as a guy because you knew that's what she liked? Or did you do it as a guy because that's how you wanted it to be?
Secondly, I'll say that sexual orientation and your gender shouldn't be hardwired to one another. You can still be a woman, and date women, if that's what you want of course.

I can understand where you're coming from, it seems like you have a lot of negativity around you regarding your transition, and to carry on with all of that is an incredible feat. I'm sort of mind blown to hear that you dropped the majority of your life to transition, it seems like at that time you had to be more than sure of yourself to do all of that.

Personally, I just think you might be looking at your transition negatively because everyone else is. I know a few times, I've felt because the people around me dislike what I'm doing, that I disliked it too, and I momentarily become disgusted with everything I'm involved with transition-wise. But it's a temporary feeling for me that I always shake myself out of.

Maybe you should seek out a more positive environment, a support group maybe, it could work wonders just to have people around you who are positive in your choice to transition.

Thanks,  Hopefully I only have to put up with this job for one more year. Then either its off to the next town over to do nursing education, or Denver. As for asking this girl out, I didn't have a thought in my mind about my sex. She seemed interesting and we shared a few interests, so I just asked. It wasn't till I walked out the store that the thought of what I had just done came to mind. I don't usually think of my sex beyond my initial talking to people or if topics being discussed might sound contradictory to my presenting as a woman. But I realized only after I had asked her out that I had just come from one of my clients I had to be a guy for.

Quote from: Terra on November 16, 2011, 12:48:21 AM
Five years, it has been five years since I left the military and started transition. In that time the only thing i've really done is grow a pair of a-cup and reduced my facial hair by around 30%. I've had an interesting trip getting to where I am today, but the frustration, doubt, and daily pressures from multible sources is making me rethink if transition is what I was meant to do.

Five years of transition would wear anyone down.

QuoteAbout the only thing my bosses got right was that i'm confused right now. Am I a man or a Woman? Truth be told I feel the same either way since I have to work as a guy to be able to see some clients. I don't know if this makes me 'less' of a trnasexual, but these days I get this nagging feeling that maybe I was just supposed to do this to learn some things, and now that i've learned them its time to go back to being a guy.

It sounds like you are very tired from a long transition, and other options become appealing as a result.  I don't think I could have stayed sane that long without a sure path to follow or a stable gender (two years almost broke me).  You're a very strong person and not 'less' anything.  Envie is right - You need a break to rest and find yourself again.

Hi Terra!

I haven't transitioned as you have, but I have deeply considered it (m2f).

The main thing that stops me is my doubt that transitioning is what I am seeking. What does it mean to transition? I think it has to be more than the trappings of femininity or masculinity that we can display more freely if we change our hormonal balance. Why can't someone born a male exhibit feminine characteristics? Why not?

So many things we associate with femininity are in fact man-made constructs. This is what leads me to believe that transitioning is not always the necessary answer, and in any case, gender and gender expression are complex and cannot be reduced to 'I feel 'like' a girl therefore I will take estrogen and become one'.

^ What you have to do is ask yourself deeply personal and specific questions about yourself and what you want to be. I've read stories about M2F's who say that they cross-dressed as children and had interests you'd expect of a girl - dolls, dressing up, acting 'gentle' instead of 'rough' etc.

That doesn't cut it in my opinion. It's a cop-out. First of all - those sorts of things do not indicate you are truly a female, but that you identify with things our culture defines as female. And in my opinion, a better world would be one where we avoid this sort of rigid gender role. Isn't that what we should endorse? Shouldn't we be able to live and act regardless of our physical/sexual gender? Why do our genitals dictate our behaviour?

They don't have to. We let them. And I hate that we do this. People have constructed this strict binary system, and you're not accepted if you don't identify with what others think is proper for your gender. Does the validation of others create true happiness? I don't think it does, but then, we have to reconcile our personal ideals with the world we inevitably will live and die in. And so I understand why those who transition do, but personally (for now) I don't think it will resolve my internal conflicts.

Sorry to ramble but I hope my perspective helps you out.