!!!

Okay, so guys, I'm really not that cool. I'm spinny because I haven't had good sleep in about a week, and my life is incredibly tragic and absurd, but I don't really do drugs, and most of the music I listen to doesn't really rock all that hard. Right now it's the Shins. They're poetic, but they definitely don't rock.

So the post title should have been just "Sex!" But that's silly and craigslisty, and it would feel like I'm looking for something. I'm not. I'm just sleep-deprived and sick of the input I'm getting outside of this site at the moment. There's a guy who wants to sleep with me and has a lot of opinions, a guy who wants to sleep with me and has no opinions, and a couple other guys who want to sleep with me. Plus other forums and websites, where I'm either closeted or an anomaly. Of all my normal real life friends, recently either I've rejected them or they've rejected me. Nobody's left. That's by design, but isn't sustainable and doesn't change the fact that I'm riled up and I miss being a gutterpunk, an academic, a pta mom, a green party activist, a medical researcher, a writer, etc. I want the world to stop making so much sense. I want to stop working so hard all the time. 

So. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Yep. I'm transgendered, and if I can just keep that from drowning me, maybe that's good enough. Right?

We always had the 'rock' as a given, and with the other two you can pick one or the other, but usually not both.

Wow. I really enjoyed reading that!

Sex? Drugs? Rock and roll? Sweetheart?!

All these things are pretty well lacking from my life right now.  I listen to plenty of rock and roll, but I haven't played it for months and as euphoric as it is to hear someone wailing away at an instrument, specifically a guitar...  Well, let me get technical for a second.  A guitar has pickups which, contrary to their name, do not pick up sound like a microphone.  They're just magnets.  When you  pluck a string on a guitar, that piece of metal vibrates a particular number of times per second, which interrupts the electromagnetic field of the pickup, the disturbance of which is transmitted as an electrical current.  When you're playing an electric guitar, you're literally creating electricity with your energy and emotion and I miss that so much more from my life than sex or drugs.  Just thinking about how guitars work and that feeling when everything clicks with other musicians and you're playing rock together sends shivers down my spine.

And yeah, my body's probably to blame for my sexual apathy.  Nobody wants to have sex with me and I don't want to have sex with anyone and I don't really care.  And I've had like ten too many bad trips to still miss drugs the way I used to.

It's ridiculous you don't have some plain old friends, Felix.  You're awesome as crap.

Oh, wait!  Sex, drugs, & rock and roll... You want to get riled up... Are you "Talkin' 'Bout the Smiling Deathporn Immortality Blues"?

Okay, so I looked at this thread this morning, and I was going to quote Maya and talk about the awesomeness of nerds and the beauty of instruments and music, but I didn't know how to speak, and I'm a master at miscommunicating.

I still haven't had much sleep, I love being called sweetheart, I do rock at times but I fail at both bass guitar and trumpet, and I don't really miss drugs. I've only had a couple of bad trips, though. I really really like sex. My body's not great, but it is pretty sensually awake. I'm reveling in it, but I do expect that if I'd been born male-bodied and assigned male, I might see high libido as more of a handicap. Maya, I want to have sex with you. I want to have sex with almost everybody. I also want to travel the world and own a horse. Wants are kinda silly and personal.

I had plain old friends. I did. There's some stuff I can't talk about directly, and then I uprooted and moved, and then the complications of sometimes-onerous family obligations, and then some friends did reject me when I came out as transgender, and then I have hardcore walls up to keep people in real life from getting very close to me. It's all just happenstance and dysfunction. I'm not a bad person, just getting scripted by outside forces a little too much right now. When things are bad, I can call my ex boyfriend or one of my daughter's therapists. Both options kinda suck.

Flaming Lips are always impressive.

Yep yep. I'm still tough and wild. Smash the system, fight the power, whatever. God I'm tired.

Well sex isnt really on my mind, i would prefer someone to give me hugs and watch films with me. Rock and roll i havent listened to in years, i was a raver for about 3 years before i started transition then stopped going to them as my transition started, i do still produce a bit of electronic music from time to time, nothing artistically excellent but it stops me going mad about transition when im going mad about why two sounds dont work together. Drugs ive managed to stay mostly away from since i started my transition, before i started my transition i took cocaine, extacy, ketamine, ampetamines, loads of LSD and other hallucigenics, and often all of the above in a single night. 2 or 3 times a week i would ruin myself on cocktails of drugs and dance untill the world disolved into abstract concepts. The closer i come to accepting myself and being accepted by the people i love (and the people on the street) the further away the urges to go out and take mind altering substances gets.

At one point i thought i could make my self happy with being wild and crazy, but it never got me anywhere except maybe, seeing what happened to some of the other wild and crazy people made me realize i didnt want that for myself. Since ive been transitioning although my life doesnt seem easy a lot of the time, that hole i tried to fill with drugs and sex and raving with no success has been steadily filling up from transition related self-worth.

El it's really nice to finally admit it and just be yourself, isn't it? I didn't realize how burdened and unhappy I was about my gender until I just let it go. Life is still hard, but it's such a happy relief not to run or hide from it.

Quote from: Maya Zimmerman on November 11, 2011, 11:15:55 AM
Sex? Drugs? Rock and roll? Sweetheart?!

All these things are pretty well lacking from my life right now.  I listen to plenty of rock and roll, but I haven't played it for months and as euphoric as it is to hear someone wailing away at an instrument, specifically a guitar...  Well, let me get technical for a second.  A guitar has pickups which, contrary to their name, do not pick up sound like a microphone.  They're just magnets.  When you  pluck a string on a guitar, that piece of metal vibrates a particular number of times per second, which interrupts the electromagnetic field of the pickup, the disturbance of which is transmitted as an electrical current.  When you're playing an electric guitar, you're literally creating electricity with your energy and emotion and I miss that so much more from my life than sex or drugs.  Just thinking about how guitars work and that feeling when everything clicks with other musicians and you're playing rock together sends shivers down my spine.

And yeah, my body's probably to blame for my sexual apathy.  Nobody wants to have sex with me and I don't want to have sex with anyone and I don't really care.  And I've had like ten too many bad trips to still miss drugs the way I used to.

It's ridiculous you don't have some plain old friends, Felix.  You're awesome as crap.

Oh, wait!  Sex, drugs, & rock and roll... You want to get riled up... Are you "Talkin' 'Bout the Smiling Deathporn Immortality Blues"?

Glad to see a fellow musician on here Maya

and Felix, while you may not feel like it your posts rock.

Quote from: Felix on November 13, 2011, 11:52:31 PM
El it's really nice to finally admit it and just be yourself, isn't it? I didn't realize how burdened and unhappy I was about my gender until I just let it go. Life is still hard, but it's such a happy relief not to run or hide from it.

Just gotta keep chipping away at the list of places im not comfortable goin to now :p

My fear of the Kebab shop is strong XD

AVH - Deffos.  You should check out the collaboration effort I brought up here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,110374.0.html.  I'd really like to get the trans community involved.  I mean, I'd really like to get everyone I can involved, but I'm especially interested to see how our unique perspectives would come through in a recording like this.

Quote from: El on November 16, 2011, 02:26:03 AM
Just gotta keep chipping away at the list of places im not comfortable goin to now :p

My fear of the Kebab shop is strong XD

Wait, kebabs? Am I missing something?

And Maya that's a pretty gigantic file you linked to in that other thread. Which is my only opnion on that project so far. xD

Felix - I must be too used to uploading and downloading huge files.  It seems totally reasonable to me.  I'm hoping you end up forming a positive opinion and decide to participate.  You should at least have your sex and rock and roll!

Can I show the project info to a cis friend of mine, or are you trying to keep this among trans folks?

Please do show it to anyone and everyone.  In my group of musician friends IRL and online, I don't know that any other than me are trans and I've notified at least 50 of them so far.  Unless people really surprise me with the amount they record, I'm going to need a ton of submissions to make this work!  Let's say an average of four instruments would be playing at a time for 60 minutes.  That would be 240 minutes of individual instruments recorded.  Let's further say that people submit recordings an average of five minutes each.  That's 48 submissions necessary to pretty well cover a whole album of music.  Of the people who find out, I have to assume only a small percentage will actually want to do it and then an even smaller percentage will actually take the time to record something and send it to me.

So, yeah, I think keeping it among trans folks seems a bit out of the question...  Actually, I've gotten in trouble before for being too inclusive with my recording projects.  We did a 24-hour recording session and wrote a song based around this guitar riff that some 16 year-old wrote, who had been playing guitar for a month or two.  A friend of mine got really upset that it was too simplistic and we should have been focusing on writing more complex music, but I was really happy to have given that kid a cool musical experience and I thought the song turned out well, too.

Actually, I just remembered that some of those sessions are still around on the internet at http://www.myspace.com/esproctor.

The "overly-simplistic" song is "River's Edge", while a good example of what my friend wanted to make more of is "Copper Synapse Transmissions".  Those three songs were actually supposed to be part of a 12 song album based around recording one song in 24 hours every month for a year, but during the fourth session, everything fell completely apart, specifically relating to the aforementioned problems.

I'm going to mark this unread because it's pulling me into logical tangentland, and I'm trying really hard to be emotional and sensual right now. Gleeful and irrational.

Plus no way am I going to load a myspace page right now. Or pull out an instrument.

Thanks. I know a couple people who will dork out on the idea of this, and might get involved.

Ha this is a good thread.

I've had the drugs (gave that up long ago - this is a good thing), I have the rock and roll and I'm seriously lacking the sex.

I often think about all the things I have yet to do in life ... those things I want to do ... and those things that I must do, because they're not merely whims anymore, they're actual needs.

Also, I live a large part of my life in my mind. Luckily I found a way for to harness this creative power to make life more interesting and to have people actually pay me to be creative. It's like a win-win there. I've already won at part of life, go me.

EDM is my rock.

I've given up on pursuing sex for the moment.

The only drug I've ever seriously done and probably ever will do is weed.

Am I a boring person?...lol

Felix, too bad you don't live near me, I'd learn you some bass. I played for 7 years before I switched over to the guitar, taught my boyfriend a few years ago.

Plus, I've got an inkling that you'd be awesome to hang out with.

Quote from: N.Chaos on November 21, 2011, 01:58:30 AM
Felix, too bad you don't live near me, I'd learn you some bass. I played for 7 years before I switched over to the guitar, taught my boyfriend a few years ago.

Plus, I've got an inkling that you'd be awesome to hang out with.

I used to be able to play the Mario dungeon music on bass.

Quote from: Felix on December 01, 2011, 06:45:51 AM
I used to be able to play the Mario dungeon music on bass.

Hold up, now... How much of the Mario dungeon music?  That short little song rather quickly goes from overly simple to reasonable to ridiculous.