Just after waking in the morning, I often find myself thinking "OMG-why am I doing this" thoughts, or "I should begin cutting down to the bare minimal dose" (HRT). Often the line from a Talking Heads song repeats itself "And you may say to yourself, OMG what have I done". Often I'll get up too, go to the toilet only to look at myself in the mirror and think, I don't look that bad as man..

This is strange, because once I get up the thoughts lose their grip and I feel more settled, more sure that I'm on the right track - and have been for the last year. In fact during the day, any negative thoughts regarding HRT (and its effects) have all but vanished and I will often think "this is best thing..."

But for a couple times, I did cut back, only to doubt it later in the day, while feeling irritable and angst ridden.

Thing is, it's driving me crazy. My conscious seems to be working overtime.

Not sure if a similar topic was raised some time ago where the person related this to the remnants of panic disorder or the remaining residue of depression..

Well.. before HRT I was depressed and in various times had a few panic attacks and was on anti-depressants. Also I do recall some negative, sleepless moods. But then why should this negativity continue now and on this particular one issue? I don't agonise so much over my music career prospects, relationships or anything else like I use to..and it's not that they're going places.. Still, is this just part of the same of a lifetime of negative self-doubt and habitual wrong thinking?

My therapist only said that we often think things in our sleep or just after waking, but later find them to be not that rational or helpful. Hmm, I thought that the brain was more rested, more able to intuit things.

Excess coffee? Is 3 cups a day pushing it? I know coffee does affect my sleep.

May be it's just related to the full-on nature of the decision to change one's body.. and all the anxiety that goes with having facing the world about it.. that this is all quite natural...and of course one would go over it in one's mind..

I'm wondering if anyone has experienced this, or can please comment?

You are not alone.  I wake up often with the same thoughts.  Though despite these thoughts, I push forward as I know they are nothing more than a temporary effect resulting from other issues I am going through (depression, anxiety, etc).  With a clear mind, I know I am trans and I know transition is most definitely what I want and need.  Furthermore, once my transition is complete, I know much of my depression and anxiety will subside.  I also know that without transition, I will continually, for the rest of my life, look in the mirror with the same thoughts you have stated.  Just something for you to ponder in respect to your situation.

Now, if perhaps you are having true doubts, take some time to think it through.  Talk with your therapist and let him/her know that these are not irrational thoughts, rather something you truly find to be an issue.  We all transition to a certain point where the dysphoria calms enough for us, and often do not consider anything further in our transition.  You are not required to do anything, so only do what you feel needs to be done to make yourself happy.

I hope I've helped.  Hang in there.

  It's completely natural to have some doubts about transition. Changing ones gender is probably one of the most difficult things a person can do and it takes alot of courage to be yourself. Don't let that doubt rule your life, be true to yourself.

What stldrmgrl said. 

When we just wake up, we're not completely with it, mentally or physically.  When the brain is running in this mode, more basic emotions like fear or distress react in the moment.  Survival instincts are telling us that we're going against everything we were taught and giving up all of the privilege of appearing as a normal cisgendered person.  But once we completely wake up, much deeper and lasting feelings motivate us more than the momentary intimidation of what we face.

Thanks for your all your responses.

Inanna: yes, perhaps it's related to waking neural activity - when some defensive survival instinct automatically kicks-in. (Better think about the jungle..)

stldrmgrl: so I'm thinking it wouldn't occur so much if I was generally more confident (during the day) about what I'm doing
               and where I was at..

Quote from: imogen on November 22, 2011, 10:37:59 PM
stldrmgrl: so I'm thinking it wouldn't occur so much if I was generally more confident (during the day) about what I'm doing
               and where I was at..

I've always been an advocate of optimism.  This is not to suggest the notion that I do not recognize and accept that there are negative attributes in most things, however, I do not believe they should always be the primary focal point and influence of our thoughts.  Thus, if you were generally more confident (and I do take those words in a very literal sense, as acting confident by no means will present improving results), I feel it could most definitely lead you to a more positive attitude and outlook overall.

It's important to understand though that you don't have to do something you no longer feel is right, even despite feeling completely certain it was at one point.  I sincerely do not mean to manipulate, suggest or otherwise influence you into believing that perhaps you do not suffer from GID, however, if these emotions become stronger and more present than those expressing transition is right for you, I highly suggest you speak to your therapist as this could mean any number of things, but certainly not limited to the conclusion of a misdiagnosis.  Now, from this sentence to the end of this paragraph, read it as many times as it takes to wipe any worries and fear from your mind.  Do not allow my words to persuade you into anything other than, if they must, the idea of speaking to your therapist about all this.  If you find you are defending yourself when reading this paragraph, saying "no, no, no - I know what I am" - then I'd say you've got no worries

Also keep in mind that the dose of medication you are taking may not be right for you.  HRT causes emotional and hormonal imbalances and takes you for one hell of a ride.  I had my dose adjusted due to being too high; it ramped up my testosterone and caused quite an imbalance that most certainly had me questioning my transition and entire being of transgender.  Though, as I explain in the next paragraph, the simple fact that I was highly agitated by testosterone overwhelming both my mind and body, reminded me that I am transgender and the emotional effects were irrational.  If you feel you are taking too high of a dose, I highly recommend speaking with your endocrinologist and having it adjusted.  With a high dose, you are not only speaking of increased health issues mentally, but as well physically.

Another thing that perhaps you are confusing yourself with; the emotions caused by our dysphoria often create that pesky thought of forfeiting the transition, typically due to low self-confidence and thus, little to no self-motivation.  Whether it be due to physical image, finances, family, occupation, etc. - we often misjudge dysphoria for "it must not be meant to be" derived from the thought "why bother, it's too much effort".  Many times I look in the mirror and find my dysphoria to be strong, and I question why I even bother transitioning.  But, this is not suggesting that I am not transgender, it's simply a minor, temporary case of depression caused by the dysphoria (the non-acceptance of what is presented as "me"); it is essentially an emotional mask.  The actual culprit of it all (the dysphoria) is surprisingly often overlooked when questioning being transgender due to the belief that, if not always driven towards transitioning, one cannot be transgender; this is simply not the case and anyone suggesting this is uneducated on the matter.  Though, being unhappy with your body in a gender irrelevant sense, I feel cannot always be pinned on gender dysphoria.  Nonetheless, many people react to these thoughts and suspend their transition, only later to regret it.

I typically am a very confident person both in life and being transgender.  I know transitioning is the answer for me and despite my irrational thoughts from time to time, I have zero doubts.  If you're only feeling it when waking up, I think you're okay and I wouldn't worry.  Even if you get these thoughts now and then but they are overwhelmed with a stronger desire to want to transition (which I believe you said happens), that's okay too.  However, if you feel like transitioning is a journey you don't wish to encounter and you'd rather stay as is, and emotionally this doesn't bother you, then perhaps you're dysphoric on a much lesser level than you first believed.  As a simple demonstrate, say to yourself, "I am a man."  The mere thought makes me cringe, let alone saying it.

If you want my honest conclusion to what you've stated, I wouldn't worry about anything.  You seem to have normal thoughts we all have at one point, and the further in the transition you become, the less you experience those thoughts.  But do not overlook what I've said.  The key is knowing what you want and shrugging off irrational thoughts, despite which becomes which.  I hope I've helped.