I want to break stuff. I want to run and run and run and never look back. I'm a broken man, and I'm tired of dragging along all the bits and pieces behind me. I do not want the life that I have. I never did.

I try to be noble. I want to be noble and honorable and good. I do the right thing, usually, as best I can.

Right now I just want to smash everything. It hurts too much and too often. I'm tired of being powerless. I'm tired of being nothing, having nothing, knowing so little, and feeling so physically old so early in life. I'm held together with scar tissue, plastic, and titanium. I hate everything right now. It isn't fair, and I want to make somebody or something pay for all of it. It should be fair. I will destroy myself trying to force it into fairness.

I don't want to be loved right now. I don't want to discover anything. My eyes are hollow and unfocused, too many discoveries already. I've had enough. I want to burn up all the fortresses I've sworn to help build. I want to go be an animal in the woods. I want to kick and claw and fight anyone who comes near me, anyone who threatens me and my kin ever again.

I want to dig a den and curl up and make of my frame an impervious structure. I acted in good faith and good faith got me nowhere. I promised myself I would never become cynical, and I didn't, but blind walls and glass ceilings don't care how earnest and kind I may be.

When I was a kid I had a bad fever once, for days. I stumbled and crawled in a daze trying to get to Charity Hospital, and at some point a girl came along and kicked me in the face and stole my backpack. Now I'm an adult in legit society, doing everything I'm supposed to do, and it really isn't all that different.

I want...I'm just wordless howling frustration. I don't know what I want.

I hope you get better soon. You are a great guy.

I understand your frustration with reality. I struggle to accept it too. I don't think adults are better than children.


Hugs

Fiona x

I feel your pain brother.  Big Hug.

On Monday I just pulled the doona over my head and cried into a towel most of the day. I slept the rest and felt a little better when I woke up. That happened because I realised I have been alone all my life, because any relationships I have had were not really with me, so have never experienced true intimacy. 
The  waiting  for an end to the loneliness became too much to bear.

Sometimes we need to crawl into our cave and lick our wounds for a while.

Thank you. I do feel better today.

It sucks when moods like that happen. Sometimes you just have to hold out and wait for a better day or a better mood. Be strong. *hug*

Felix, it's good to know you're feeling better. Hang in there, brother.

I hate days like that. When you just want to break everything and stop existing. It's really frustrating. *hugs*