Thanks Ellie. If it's not ->-bleeped-<-, I'm curious to know what else it could be. Thing is, I REALLY hate the idea of being trapped in a female body, but I'm also terrified of the idea of transitioning. They are really mixed and confusing feelings :/

Cody~~
The statistical likelihood of your gender dysmorphia being associated with something else is pretty low but not non-existent. The conditions of which I'm aware that have gender dysmorphia as a symptom include depression, bipolar, and schizophrenia. Given your age and the amount of panic you feel, there's the outside chance that you might have something like that going on. (The early college years are a time when lots of things can become triggered in the brain due to hormonal shifts.) However, I AM NOT A THERAPIST, so please take this post as informational only. I am not saying I specifically suspect that's what's going on with you. I'm saying your age and level of panic suggest there could be a lot going on and that a good therapist can help you safely explore what the real answer is. Keep in mind that even if you are transgendered, you don't necessarily *HAVE* to transition. There's a lot of options for you to help you find a way to cope with your negative feelings about your female body, but only a therapist has the training to help you do this well. In fact, the idea that gender dysmorphia could be associated with something else was something I learned by going to therapy with my wife.

I really hope you seek some help soon. As a person who deals with high levels of anxiety daily (thank you, autism!), I can say that it well and truly sucks to live in a state of panic all the time. Therapy and meds have been good for me at various points as have some natural solutions, but whatever it is that I'm doing, it's all in the name of living a better quality of life and being more functional.

I hope this helps you more than it scares you. I know the thought it could be one of those other conditions might be pretty upsetting, but the alternative to exploring all possibilities is to live forever in the trapped state you've described.

Here's to courage and self-knowledge!

~~E

Ellie, you are absolutely right. There is a LOT going on. I think I mentally use this as an escape. This all started with one simple fantasy. Then, I imagined even more and more what it would be like to be male, and even have male parts. When I saw videos on YouTube about FtM's progress videos, and how they fully transform into a guy's body, and I even found out about bottom surgery, that made me so happy. I know, I should probably go to a therapist regardless and get my suicide thoughts fixed. That alone is a big problem. Then, there's a bunch of family stuff going on. My dad and his gf possibly getting married. Me not being able to sleep very well at night and/or oversleep. Most important of all: me trying to figure out my future in terms of careers. My dad's pushing for pharmacy and makes it feel like an army at home. So yeah, I definitely am considering going to a therapist. Because this stuff is really stressing me out. ALL of it. The only thing is, I am terrified of going to a doctor because I KNOW I won't be able to talk.

Cody~~
I don't know if this will help you feel better or not, but there is a point of view from which I can speak as an expert, and that is as a teen librarian (degree + MANY years experience). What I see in you at 19, aside from the gender issues, seems to be a bout par for the course. You're at a time of great transition in your life from youth to adulthood, and to top it all off, your brain isn't done cooking yet and won't be for another few years. Rough seas to say the least.

You seem to have an okay time opening up here online. Would it help to have an online therapist? There are some out there, and if you would like, I could use my mad research skillz-with-a-Z as a librarian to help you find one that seems like a good fit. It would be a start, I think. And maybe it could help you gain a little courage to talk to a therapist face-to-face.

Let me know what you think.

~~E

Ellie,
I actually love the idea of an online therapist. That sounds fantastic. 
-Cody

I will get right on that and get back to you with what I discover!

BTW, I *LOVE* your current profile pic! I adore pengo-wengos, and the rockhopper is king amongst them for me.

~~E

Well, thanks and thanks  and yeah, when I thought of my name I thought "hey wait a minute, isn't that penguin from Surf's Up named Cody?" and thus my profile pic was born 

I feel very much the same way. I'm terrified of the idea of continuing living as a male, and terrified of the idea of transitioning.

I'm considering therapy too, but I hear dealing with the national health system is an uphill battle in these matters.

Quote from: Rain Dog on November 26, 2011, 08:58:05 AM
I feel very much the same way. I'm terrified of the idea of continuing living as a male, and terrified of the idea of transitioning.

I'm considering therapy too, but I hear dealing with the national health system is an uphill battle in these matters.

The health system is also another concern of mine.

I found the NHS to be very helpfull once i realised all they are trying to do is disuade the uncertain. I went to my GP and asked about therapy and was told nothing could be done but i found a local gender specialist and asked my GP for a referral which was made that day and i had an appointment a few weeks later. I had 4 meetings with the gender specialist psychologist and psychiatrist and was then reffered to Charing cross. My refferal then got lost which has made me very angry but i should have a new one made very soon........

Quote from: El on November 26, 2011, 03:52:57 PM
I found the NHS to be very helpfull once i realised all they are trying to do is disuade the uncertain. I went to my GP and asked about therapy and was told nothing could be done but i found a local gender specialist and asked my GP for a referral which was made that day and i had an appointment a few weeks later. I had 4 meetings with the gender specialist psychologist and psychiatrist and was then reffered to Charing cross. My refferal then got lost which has made me very angry but i should have a new one made very soon........

That sucks about the refferal, sorry.

So... going to a family doctor, even as a first step, probably won't help me at all?

Well that depends on your family doctor lol, id say make that your second step after finding a local specialist for them to refer you to. If you turn up with the name and practise adress of a specialist and politiely demand a refferal you will probably get one. You wanna be dealt with by a speialist asap rather than wasting too mcuh time with your GP and non-specialised doctors.

Quote from: El on November 27, 2011, 02:47:58 AM
Well that depends on your family doctor lol, id say make that your second step after finding a local specialist for them to refer you to. If you turn up with the name and practise adress of a specialist and politiely demand a refferal you will probably get one. You wanna be dealt with by a speialist asap rather than wasting too mcuh time with your GP and non-specialised doctors.

Good advice, thanks El. I'm clueless when it comes to this stuff! 

Lol i was aswell, i felt so alone trying to get proper medical help, it was a serious struggle to make myself go to the GP the first time and they were very dissmissive. But then i found a support group, they put me in touch with the local gender clinic and from there it got a bit easier.

Yeah, I'm trying to find a support group in my area. Thing is I'm so paranoid about people somehow figuring out, I'm just not ready to come out yet.