Hi Khan,really glad for you.The only way is up!

Well, i was definitely not in a good place at all when i found this forum, but just the first few replies here made a feel a lot less alone.

I think what i want to achieve is to feel more in balance with my life, not trying to live a lie, because that was okay for a while, but it wasn't sustainable. I'm still in an "angsty" place with a lot of anger that's been building up for years, but i don't want to keep that, i want to let that all go and be more... me, lol. So i hope actually allowing myself to be will help me with all this pent up frustration and will help me fight depression, because I don't want to be depressed again. I think i'm beating it though. But i think the stress i'm currently under at work and at home really aren't helping.

androgyne is a lable and i'm not one for these lables, but as things go, it's better than me describing myself as male. that would really put me in a bad place worrying endlessly about how i'll never manage to pass, can't put nature right, etc. It's more chilled out if I don't put pressures like that on myself. and hell, I really don't think i'm 100% male anyway. Knowing that trans* is a spectrum is increadibly comforting because yeah, I could never be 100% or the other, even in an ideal world in which I could just switch my body to be how I want it to be with the snip of my fingers, lol.

I want to chat about this side of me online so i can get my head around it more, as i keep finding layers to my gender identity the more i can explore it online. and hear about other people's experiences to compare to my own and to feel less alone. and i think just knowing there are 'safe' places i can chat about it without worrying about being judged.

there's more, but this is long and rambly as it is.

Well, as with many things it's a double edged sword. There is pain associated with dysphoria, coming out, trying to find a place in a world where someone can hate you just for this. But at the same time, finding the forest has given me a lot of comfort. Reminding myself that I am androgyne, and that it is valid and there are others, gives me comfort that I had lost for a number of years trying to fit into a binary. Sometimes when I feel like I'm losing my mind, just stepping on here can make it better.

Teema, smooth.. thanks alot.
Another thing that I noticed since I moved is that I don't put up masks when people ask me what I think about something. I used to try and say as close as what I thought they wanted to hear, now I just speak my mind out. Of course I try to be nice and avoid hurting people, and I allways learned to ask what they wanted to hear: if it was my honest opinion or what they "hope to hear". I learned that I can be completely honest with those I love and, if the feeling is mutual, they will accept and understand. (By love I mean something closer to a very close friendship, as I don't have a lover/mate right now and I feel like I don't need it to be happy).

I also realised that I don't need to fit in any mould like Smooth said. I am me, I don't need to fit in any group, the group must understand that I am that way and that I will evolve the way I want to evolve, not the way they expect me to.
That is the best part of a true friendship: not building up any expectations, learning to just enjoy the current moment the best you can with those you love and look forward for those moments.
I'm still dealing with what I am, learning to break my masks and be truly hones with myself and those around me, but I know now that the friends I hold dear were and still are essential to that. A willing shoulder and an honest mind to tell what they think is essential to help you going through any obstacles you might find.

I might be sounding a bit confusing right now... I'll probably explain it better as soon as I think of a better and simpler way to say what I mean XD

I  like the descriptor gender fluid.

Like Pica, I love writing, a I usually end up in a creative writing or literature class or two every semester. In fact, my English degree will be wrapped this go around.

Asides aside, being suffocated by the binary harms my understanding of how the world works. I like this corner of the gender world because I can easily change genders multiple times in a single conversation, and as long as they go with female, or they just give up and be nice, I'm okay. No box is optimal.