Hi there,

I'm Leza and my partner is MTF pre-op female.  She was on hormones from 2004-2008 and had to quit due to financial considerations.  We have been together for a year and a half and together, we are parenting my twin girls who are 5 years old. 

My SO has been living full time as her true gender since March 2004 -- she lost her (then) wife as well as her mother, grandmother and brother as a result of coming out to them around that same time.  She has a distant relationship with her father and step-mother, who live on the East Coast (we are in the Denver CO area). 

I am a biological female and came out as a lesbian when I was 18 years old (I am 35 now).  My previous two relationships were abusive in some way, shape or form and E is the complete opposite and then some.  She is the first person I have ever been IN love with and I knew from the second week of dating that she was "The One"....my intuition is never wrong!  She has taken on the role of the other parent to my girls and it has been a very smooth transition.  Almost a year ago, I underwent my own transformation....I had gastric bypass surgery and she has stuck by my side through the good and the bad of it all. 

Two questions I need some advice on:

1.  Sex.  It's not happening...at all.  There were two times in summer 2010 where she "took care" of me, but it was fast and I was not allowed to reciprocate in any way.  We have maintained open communication about this and how much it bothers me.  I immediately see it as a type of rejection (no matter how hard I try and remember it's not) and she always tells me it has absolutely NOTHING to do with me, her attraction to me or her desire for me.  She says, "I don't like my parts" and leaves it at that...and as a sexual trauma survivor, I respect that and would never dream of forcing sex on her.  I respect her too much.  I am just having a hard time wrapping my brain around it.  She flirts with me all day, she is affectionate (no really passionate kissing) in almost every way and she treats me like a queen, which is something I am TOTALLY not used to.    I tell her all the time that I didn't fall in love with what's in her britches, I fell in love with HER...and she says she appreciates that....but she hates her parts.  It makes me feel confused, lonely and even a little scared that she isn't attracted to me (I've had some bad experiences with being cheated on previously and even though I know she would never cheat, the old head tapes come back around).  I am seeing a therapist on a weekly basis for issues related to my childhood and E is being VERY supportive in that sense.  She is not in counseling, although she has in the past and has already received her psych clearance letter for GRS..but like everyone else out there, her insurance won't cover the surgeries and we don't have $20-35K laying around.

2.  She has been off of her hormones for almost four years now due to the cost of them (her insurance back then wouldn't cover them, not sure about now) and she and I have talked about having a baby together, but we're not sure if she is sterile or not after being on hormones for 4 years.  Obviously, we would pursue other avenues if that's the case, but does anyone know if counts return to normal after stopping HRT? 

I'm glad I found this forum....I look forward to meeting other people in similar situations.  I feel really alone right now.  It is not her fault, I don't blame her at all (a lot of it is my own insecurities)...but it sure would be nice to have someone to talk to who has been through it, too.  She was living full time as a female when we met in Spring 2010...and I've known since the first month we were dating that she was trans.

even if your partner doesn't like the male bits there should be lots of kissing, cuddling and other intimacy to satisfy your sex needs so you need to sit down with or without a therapist to figure out why not as otherwise yor relationships is doomed.
if the hormone time gave some breasts then the partner ought to love you laying with them as much as you like yours playing with.

coming off E may have brought on a mental surge of testo that makes a lesbian an unattractive partner and especially so if your weight is still high.

sounds like the weekly spend on therapists should be for partner and not yourself?

I'm afraid that after around 6 months on hormones, your partner is likely to be irreversibly sterile. It's still worth having a semen check, but be prepared for bad news there.

I just looked for online hormones and see both Premarin and Estrogel from 4 corners pharmacy would only work out at about $25 a month which shoudo be affordable for any US citizen?
Better check to see why the reluctance to source hormones as most TS will do so when doctor supplies are unavailable.

Could be your partner is a Mahsa the disco shark?

Most transwomen are steril after 6 months but nothing is written in stone.

It is difficult to have sex when your body is not right.
Sex is a mine field for many trans people, even those of us who are able to use their genitals typicaly need to go through a lot of mental gymnastics to be ok with sex.

If she says it isn't you...I would tend to believe her.

My bet is that if she is ever lucky enough to get her surgery that she will completely cut loose and go wild.

She is VERY affectionate, cuddly, touchy/feely.  We do kiss, hug, cuddle, hold hands....she is much taller than I am (I'm 5'3", she's about 6' tall) and she comes home from work every night and finds me in the kitchen....and comes behind me and wraps her arms around me and just hugs me...and kisses my neck.  I have never been with someone so loving and affectionate before....we sleep naked in bed (most nights, I have trouble with cold air, I have fibromyalgia, so some nights I wear a tee shirt to bed)...and although I usually go to bed later than she does (she works the regular 8:30-5:30 gig...albeit underpaid...very underpaid), so she's usually asleep when I get to bed but 8 out of 10 times, even in her sleep, she rolls over, snuggles up next to me and sleeps with her arm over me.  I have never felt so loved by anyone before!  Yet, I feel so LONELY b/c she won't have sex with me.  But it very well could be ME since my last two relationships (both biological women) were abusive in some way shape or form and I was cheated on by both and sex was either by force (very first partner was sexually abusive) or was kept from me (and the second partner told me she'd never initiate, I would have to do all the work if I wanted it).  I have attachment issues I am currently working through b/c of my childhood and previous domestic violence.

I do NOT want to force her or push the issue, I'm just having a hard time understanding it.  I have never felt this way about anyone before and it seems un-natural to me to NOT want to share that part of myself with that person...she said it's not that she doesn't WANT to, it's that she hates her genitals and well...I know there's not much I can do about that. 

I think your partner is probably just telling the plain truth because I've said those words too and meant every one of them. I'm also attracted to women and addicted to cuddles and tenderness. But even with the girl of my dreams, sex is incredibly difficult. The thought of using what I have brings me to tears in about five seconds. And I'm actually a relatively sexual person. Sex is great. But I can't do it. It really is a minefield. It definitely does not have to mean that she isn't attracted to you.

But sex is a wondrously complex thing, isn't it? I'm sure there are ways you could make love to eachother without setting off her dysphoria.

Even for those of us who are able to have sex regardless of the wrong genitals will often have some serious issues in this department.
Personaly I can have sex but every time I do I run a real risk of falling into a ball of tears.

If my dysphoria was any more intense I couldn't do it.

Your sweety is pretty typical in her issues with sexuality as a pre-op transsexual.

As someone dealing with my own form of body dysmorphia (I still see myself as 320 pounds and very different than what others see), I know there are things that set me off, so I certainly try not to push the issue.  We do talk about it and she has always been honest with me about it (she is a horrible liar, lol).  Sex has always been the beginning of all my other relationships and to not have that is very foreign to me.

She is able to use her male parts, she just won't/can't (emotionally).  She does have erections and I don't doubt that she's attracted to me...I've just never been in this place before.  All the women she's been with previously (including her ex-wife, who passed away in 2008 after they divorced) were all very much morbidly obese...as was I when we met last April.  I knew she liked bigger women and I was scared that by having my own surgery (gastric bypass) that she would eventually leave me.  The reality at nearly a year post-op is that she's even MORE attracted to me than she was before surgery (she told me that watching me transform and become the person I am makes me more attractive to her in general).  She tells me all the time that she doesn't understand how I can be attracted to her (she calls herself a super triple fat ass...I really HATE when she talks like that) and she thinks she's the luckiest person in the world b/c we found each other (she says this...and I think that *I* am the lucky one...it's not easy taking on a new partner and becoming a parent at the same time). 

I am expecting a large cash settlement (she does not know about it yet, I just found out myself) and when I get it...my wedding gift to her (I have a ring, I just don't have the cajones to ask her) will be her surgery.  Although I don't know what it's like to be gender dysmorphic, I do know what it's like to feel like I'm trapped in a body that isn't mine.  I hate that she has to be so uncomfortable with her own body and she is openly discriminated against at work (she's a server engineer making only $35K a year when the others in her firm make over $75K doing the same thing with LESS experience and fewer certifications than she has) just because of her appearance.  She has a huge heart and would give the shirt off her back without hesitation if it was needed...and people mistreat her simply because of her appearance and her voice.  Very similar to what happened to me when I was over 300 pounds a few years back...mean people just plain suck.  I don't want to see her hurting and I want her to have her mind and heart match her body...which is so often taken for granted. 

I think it surprises her when people DO accept her without question.  My daughters only know her as Erin...and as their other mom.  Same with my friends and many of her friends.  Even though her family has rejected her, my mother ADORES her and even my homophobic father is warming up to her (and THAT is a huge deal).  I feel like she GETS me on some level that others don't...I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, though.

That is a very lovely wedding gift, BariChef1976, and I hope she accepts it. Similar to what the others have said I don't think there's any way around the issue. If you dislike what you have you're not going to want to use it. I'm sorry you're going through this, and it seems pretty common. Couples therapy may help you if you're interested.

I am similar to you though with sex being important, although I don't know how long I'd be satisfied in a relationship if sex wasn't happening.