Royally pissed off at myself.

Pretty calm. I was having a massive anxiety attack last night...calmed down before bed (3 hrs sleep)...then this morning, I feel anxious again because I have a long day ahead. I have a feeling that tonight, though, I'll finally get my proper rest. Class is late tomorrow, no work due.

I've downloaded the violin theme for the Outer Senshi from Sailor Moon, which has made the morning epic too.

HAPPY! winter holidays are coming up!

fff. Struggling now. *sigh* I'm doing two of my presentations of lesbian-related issues (yeah, there's a lot this week) and the research is making me feel weird. I know that I'm transitioning FtA, but. I'll appear physically male, more than likely. And I feel...just so disjointed from a community that I cherished so much. Coming out as a lesbian was my most empowering experience, it gave me so much, it made me so happy and free. When I get into these lesbian politics and whatnot, I just get so excited, so passionate. But when I appear male how can I talk about how hard it was for me to accept liking women? Most lesbians won't want much to do with me, either, at least romantically.

But at the same time, to be seen simply as a woman, which I am not, is torture. I die inside when someone calls me 'she.' 'He' is a lot more comfortable, but I do think I'd prefer neutral pronouns. But no one will use it. I mentioned it casually to my brother to test the waters, and he said "that's weird, and too hard, and people who expect that just confuse others and it's stupid."

It just breaks my heart, why can't I live in this world as ME? As androgyne? As neither male or female? no matter which way I go, people will read me a certain way, a way which is not 100% truthful to my heart, my experiences. For the first time I find myself wishing desperately that I could be happy as "just" as a lesbian, "just" a woman, but that's impossible and wrong and bleh. Why do stupid stupid people have to try and push me into these boxes? Just because my body should be more "male" doesn't mean that my experiences as a woman should just be thrown in the garbage.

I wish the forest really existed. I'd live there, a place where we all understand each other and don't look for gender in one another. Just accept at face value, for what we tell we are.

Die die world. 

I feel like giving advice but I would be a total hypocrite if I did.  But its awesome advice

Trying to hang on. Crying while lying down is the worst; I think my sinuses might explode.

Sweet Julian!!! I dig those

I knit on a loom but it's rather limiting as to cool stitches...I can't seem to manage anything more than a basic knit.

How do I feel? I feel like I HATE disabilities and limits. I hate them. They make me very very sad. And pissed. But mostly sad. Ok...maybe equal parts pissed and sad. I can't decide.

I lost the friendship of the most incredible person I ever met. I feel now is a good time to officially give up.
I wish I believed in something

I woke up having lost 260 dollars. Funny, I thought I was micro managing my accounts well enough. It will take me two weeks to earn 260 dollars. Why am I not pissed?

No giving up, life goes on.

I've always wondered about disability limits, because I'm weirdly curious.

I know a few people in my city who have gotten disability because of "trauma" (one is a transguy who was kicked out for being trans, and then was homeless and a prostitute for a few years). (Not that something like that isn't traumatic, I just used quotation marks because that's how they refer to it. I think he was also diagnosed with a mental disorder).

I woke up with hope today, and did a lot of little things.
I seriously want to do my best from now on, but I know it takes time.

I'm truly sorry Espo. That sucks so so hard.

I don't mean disability in the "the gov'ment deemed me so" sense...but the "I see other people doing simple things that a reasonable person would expect themselves to be able to do/be/express/handle/think/etc" way.

I have fibromyalgia and I have been struggling recently. Knowing full good and well what I *should* be able to do, what I'm normally able to do on my good days, or even my decent days but then I sink into my bad days and it's just crap. Absolute crap. And it's crap I can't much abide.

Ohmygawd I just had a Lebowski flashback. Every time I see the word abide... 

Thank you Sevan. My fault, f****g issues.

My cousin was diagnoses with Fibromyalgia and suffered for a long time but went to a naturalpath doctor and she's actually allergic to gluton. I would encourage you to look into a gluton-free diet.

I feel ugly, fat, body dismorphic, a little stupid, hopeless and jobless...
But, at the same time i feel the days are going on, on with the show, and I will do everything, even twice the things "cisgender" people do, to feel better.
Must be my pills, must really be my pills...
No honestly, pills even stronger ones don't do anything beside giving time, the real change is deep inside and I feel it starting today

*hug* I'm actually going through the exact same thing atm espo. We had a huge fight yesterday and I'm pretty sure she's never going to talk to me again, for real. I was a huge pile of tears, because I feel just like this disgusting pile of emotions that nobody can handle, some sort of mental/emotional freak. I ended up crying to one of my classmates when we were alone in the lounge. It was embarrassing but she was very kind, she hugged me and held my hand. She made me feel a bit more normal and less screwed up.

I forced myself to go out with my class for a last-day-of-class celebration. It helped somewhat...we ordered a huge plate of nachos with lots of different sauces, vegetables, chicken, hummus. As introverted as I may be, I'm starting to think I was taking my isolation to unhealthy levels. I feel the need to learn to be more social and get to know people, because I'm discovering that isolation has been a very unhealthy pattern in terms of my mental health. 

Ya, some people find social settings to be helpful, mingling, making new friends, getting out. Hope it works for you.

Oh and my new potential friend quit her job today so I'm out of luck with the convenient way of accessing the internet.  Bummer !!

Me I'm lonely and tiered  -  Not really dealing with the fact That I've got no experience with relationships and that people who accept me as I am don't have time for me in their lives or so it seems.

Not sleeping Because of the whole loneliness / unloveable thoughts & crap I'm going through.  I  think I need at least a big hug