So, on a more serious note,  I have to ask an important question to all of you F/Ms out there:
Who of you has always had a bad or at least complicated relationship with your mother?
I won't delve into the psychological analysis of the topic now, it's quite obvious to many therapists
that the lack of a female role-model can lead to gender dysphoria in girls lateron, but this would be
to easy, really, wouldn't it? I mean, there are cis guys out there who hate their mother's guts and
don't come to terms with the lack of approval they got from their moms throughout their lives, so there
must be more to it.

In my case, since I've told her that I mean businesss with transitioning this time and that I won't stop
before I see the final result (me=man), she's behaving rather odd: first, it was all a bed of roses, like
of course I must do what I feel is right, and yes, it'll take some getting used to, and all sorts of jokes
like when she was supposed to call me at my new male name etc, she could never take it seriously;
and she kept saying things like ' Today you really don't look male at all, you know' like she was rather
saying 'I think you'd better NOT do this, you're such a nice girl' (however, she never told me whenI
was looking great even when I was still a 'normal' girl/woman!

She's the most annoying person ever! And the trouble is, she is NOT an alcoholic, drug addict what have you,
she's just so 'likeable' and nice, and people would probably describe her as a decent person; while she
is not at all!!!! She's 64 now and I think suffers from first waves of dementia or Alzheimers, her personality
has changed drastically during the past 4 years, she's growing more aggravated and stressed out for
no reason, doesn't care about her body hygiene, dresses horribly at home and outside, in short, she's
turning into one of these people who're losing it and you can tell!

I've been pitying her all through my adulthood, she was always weak but nice, my father was very dominant
to the point of physical abuse (no beatings, but the odd slap over the dinner table whenever he didn't like
what i said), so she never stood a chance against him, which was the reason for me to take her side and defend
her; later in life, she wasn't really going for it either, always defensive, never ambitious, and I know I really hate
her for that!
Now she blames me for everything that's not right in her life, and me transitioning is just about the pinnacle of
her misery, but she's too false and pretentious to speak to my face, instead she makes all these hints, and I can
tell from the look of her face that she doesn't approve at all!
I can live with my ex-boyfriend advising me to thing 'really long and hard' about it, saying, 'If you want to do it,
ifg it can't be 'helped' you do it, but I'd rather hope you didn't.... But my Mom staring me in the face with a
smile and stabbing me in the back at the same time.... I really regret now to allow her to influence my life so much!
I've made decisions in her favour at times when I should have thought of myself and nobody BUT myself! Now I find
myself in this place with her where there's no way out really! We share a big house which neither of us wants to
leave, but there's a point when no house can replace the feeling of being at home with yourself!
I really hate her so much right now, I sometimes catch myself wishing she would die! Any of you went through similar
stages of anger? And how do you control it? Maybe, the lack of T at the moment (still not on it)- has prevented me from
freaking out completely, who knows? But seriously, guys, who of you also hates your mother? And why? A,nd did it interfere
with your decision to transition?

My mother can be manipulative and scary and childish and a lot of other things, and I don't think she loves me, and I know I don't love her, but I don't hate her. I've never considered how my feelings about her might relate to my gender.

Quoteit's quite obvious to many therapists
that the lack of a female role-model can lead to gender dysphoria in girls lateron

This doesn't make a lot of sense to me. It sounds outdated. I was a psych (and bio) major in college, and I was certainly taught that lack of gender-appropriate role models can cause identity and self-esteem issues, but I never heard that it could cause specifically gender dysphoria. None of my therapists have brought it up either. I could be wrong.

If I were you I would leave the big house and go through whatever it takes to get away from this person you hate. It sounds like she's making you feel bad. You don't deserve that and it will hold you back.

I have tons of complications with my mom and none with my dad. And I'm mtf.

I've had much more daddy issues growing up than I have ever had with my mother.
And I still identify with him more, regardless.
   I mean, I've gotten angry, but I've had a lot more issues with parents that extend beyond me being trans.
I guess that's mainly because I never got much pressure to fit into "female-likeness" by my parents though.

As far as frustration when things in your life feel out of control goes, I can relate to that entirely.

I get along great with my mom.  She has been my support growing up.  My father was standoffish and we really didn't have much of a relationship.  She is uncomfortable with my transitiion --- I think b/c she doesn't understand it.  However, she is trying and she hasn't been mean about it at all.

I love my mom to bits. She's always been very supportive of me in my being different from the mainstream. I think it was a bit like she would have liked to be like that but never had the feeling she could keep her head up with all the people being negative about it.

Only trouble I've had with my mom is about her trying to arrange my life too much like thrice a year. Just resulting in her cleaning up and organising my room, that's it.

I've been more annoyed with my dad, but that's just because he always wanted to know éverything at the moment I really didn't feel like talking. (early in the morning, right after school etc)

All in all, gender doesn't change a thing in this house. Even though they've called me daughter for more than 20 years, I've always been allowed to do and wear as I pleased. And probably mostly cause of that freedom, I hardly have any trouble with my folks.

Then again, a lot of friends have pointed out that they're pretty much one-of-a-kind, so that would just be my luck then.

Looks like you guys were indeed lucky having the moms you had! The trouble with mine is really that
on the outside, she seems to be almost perfect. Nobody would understand if I told them I had the
problems I described, they would look at ME, trying to find the source of the problem in my refusal of
the 'normal' life everybody else seems to aim for.

As for the role model thing, I've had a therapist talk about that, a couple of years ago, and he mentioned
something along those lines: 'Because I  don't find my mother and her relationship with my Dad and men
very encouraging, I refuse to become a woman (I was 14 then and annorectic).' I found this a rather easy
explanation really, but then, I didn't see the guy very often anyway, and eventually solved the problem
myself (no more eating disorder), but still found the idea of living that sort of life (as someone's wife) not
very appealing;  it wasn't like I was refusing fighting female identity, it just didn't come natural to me, but
my mom never took it seriously; she didn't even 'worry' when I didn't get boyfriends and stuff, but when I
mentioned lesbians and homosexuals she'd cringe and avoid the subject!

Her disapproval is a very subtle one which makes it even more difficult to ignore.
And as to the house, I've done it up and worked my bum off in there to make it nice, and it's more or less
a dream come true for me, keeping horses in the field behind the house, enough space for the dogs, so
my animals would suffer the most if I just left and moved to a smaller place!
Another issue is that the house is in Germany (where I don't want to die, to say the least, I never meant to
come back anyway, but Belgian homes have become so expensive it's ridiculous!) and I would have to find
a decent place back in Belgium where I lived for the past 10 years. So, to say the situation can be described
as a tad on the complicated side

Sorry you have such a tough time with your mother.
My mother and I don't really have a relationship. She's a distant woman, and doesn't like me very much, and her opinion is I deserved my father's and brother's treatment of me growing up. Just my personality grates on her, and she's not the type to put up with people she doesn't like much. Eh.

I love my mom.  Our relationship has been getting some hits lately -- unfortunately, me being queer has everything to do with it :/ -- but we're still close.

My dad's the one I have the most difficulty with, actually. A lot of the conflict happens when he says gross, bigoted things, but the rest of it is just ego clashing.  When I was a kid everyone who knew me would comment on how much I am like my dad. I'm 99% sure that's why we don't get along a lot of the time, we're too similar. Though I'm pretty happy that I escaped with a more open-minded, tolerant perspective than the one he has.  I still love him, though. He's done a lot for me.

This is a tough one for me, because while I know my mother I was raised primarily by my Dad and grandparents (funnily enough my mother's parents.) I don't hate her, but she has a lot of issues. In her mind, she loves the idea of being mother but hates the reality of it all. She's also been a drug addict/alcoholic and is currently spending time in jail awaiting charges on a few things.

All that being said, my mother really is very kind. When she is sober, you would never meet a nicer person. While she was never really there in my life, even when my parents were married, I don't hold it against her. I love her and I do have some good memories of her, but I don't really like her as a person. I used to hate her, but then I realized that you don't have to like someone to love them.

My dad was the one I have always had problems with. Even now I have serious issues with him. Our relationship is much better than it used to be, but with my soon to begin transition and his new wife, I don't think we will talk for a while.

However, I do have a mother figure. My grandmother on my mom's side raised me for several years. So, I never really lacked a mother figure in my life. In fact, she is my rock.

So, I don't think one could argue that gender identity and dysphoria are based on a lack of materinal influence.

QuoteI used to hate her, but then I realized that you don't have to like someone to love them.

I think this is an important concept.

Not mother, but GRANDmother yes. I do hate HER. For personal reasons I won't go into that on here.

I love my mom. I don't really know why she has a tough time dealing with me being trans. I have been out to her for almost a year now. I try to talk to her and explain to her what I am and how I feel but she never wants to listen. I try to tell her I don't hate women and that I am not one one. The day I came out to her we were talking and she said that I could be a girl or a boy when she wanted. I told her that was selfish and creepy. I am a guy and I am a person not an object. I really wish that we got along better and that she would love the son shes got instead of being so obstinate.

I moved out and away from my mother at the very first opportunity. She passed away a few years ago before I could come out to her and it may sound mean but I was a little relieved. Everything I did was wrong, to her my life was a train wreck and it was all my fault and blah blah blah....not because I'd done anything bad, but just because it didn't fit the expectations she had in her head...as in married with 2.4 children and a career as a rocket scientist. She tried to kill herself on many occasions and I read many many suicide notes over the years, all of which had a nice little section about me and how upset I made her feel because I made so many mistakes, and how she wished she could take me with her and end my pain. It's like thanks mum you believe my life to be so terrible that you would rather just put me out of my misery. She had bi-polar and was an alcoholic for as long as I could remember so I never really took much notice of her disapproval and I wouldn't say I exactly hated her, I just moved out and became indifferent.

I also never knew my dad, I ended up with a string of horrible stepdads. So no decent role models on either side over here

The funny thing though is that, although I never wanted to be like my mom, I always, even as a little
child, wanted to sort out her life for her. I wanted to get everything right and then start again; but that
never happened; me being stuck here in the middle of nowhere with her is just another result of that, I guess.
But I keep asking myself why the heck did and do I care for her more than for myself? I almost feel guilty,
and since I've come out to her, this feeling has even increased, because now I make her life even more unbearable!
She's unhappy with about every single aspect of her life, nothing has worked out for her, and now - this!
I mean, she could have told from the way I presented myself for years now that I'm not your average little
lady, so why the fuss now? We did talk a lot when I was in college and later at uni, but for the last couple of
years, our conversations have only one subject, money, and the struggle to keep the boat afloat!
I don't let this influence my life too much, I can still be happy and see a bright future instead of waking every
day with a frown on your face! I was really really happy about coming out and taking things into my own hands
now after years of indecision, and now that very fact makes her turn against me!
So, do I hate her? Do I love her? All I know now is that my father had a good reason to walk away from her back
then after all, and perhaps it wasn't all his fault...I wonder what he'd think about the whole thing, I haven't met him
in 15 years and he's not exactly in the area.

I love my mom.  We get along great now, but we didn't when I was in high school.  Mostly because I was dealing with several issues at the time--coming out as trans, being (unmedicated) bipolar, the girl I dated.  It took several years to get things right with her and rebuild our relationship.  Things aren't perfect, nor will they ever be, but our relationship is much healthier now.

I'm sorry you have to put up with that.  Even if you are stuck living together you might be able to find activities that keep you out of the house more. 

My mother and I have different perspectives on how life works, and we sometimes clash over that.  Despite that, we get along fairly well and have a good relationship.  She is a feminist and has always encouraged me to do what I want regardless of if it's a gendered thing, and I love her for that.

Im actually the opposite.
I am very close to my Mum. Albeit, for the first few years of my transition, there was a great strain in our relationship as she struggled, but it is forming with a new strength as she accepts me more.
I grew up with my twin sister and Mum, we have been through alot together, but it has strengthened us and kept us extremely close.

Father on the other hand. Dont know his name. Had step Dads,but always felt like I raised myself in terms of male role models. For me the question would be, "Do we all hate our fathers?". (Although hate is a strong word, maybe, "not give a crap about...")

I'm lucky. My mom and I have always been very close, and she's been a huge support/voice of reason for me since I finally came out to her.

My dad's a different story. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be out to him, and while we get along casually, we've got no real relationship. I still love him dearly, but I hate a lot of his opinions and the things that he does. Its weird.

I used to hate my mom.  I used to hate her so much.  I blamed her my while life up until 18 for how I felt about my body.  There really was no reason why I thought how I felt about my body was her fault.  I was never sexually abused, just physically.

But then when I was 18 and realized that I was trans.  I stopped blaming her for how I felt and realized I was born this way.  so I stopped hating her.  But I still want nothing to do with her and will never speak to her again. I won't forgive her.  but I will forget her.

My mom doesn't know I'm trans.   I haven't spoken to her since I was 18.


But I have an aunt like your mom, CaptainFantastic.   I used to live with my aunt.  and she started out saying she was accepting of me.  but then slowly changed to trying to make me want to be a girl.  And even just her personality sounds a lot like yours.  She wants everyone to think she's so perfect.