I've been having some conversations with family lately, and I am deeply regretting the direction they're going. Whenever they bring up my transition, they say something like "This must be so horrible for you, I feel sorry for you" or "Why don't you get counselling?" and things like how they're worried about my health yada yada. Basically, they view this gender dysphoria as a downward spiral into misery. And I unintentionally reinforce it when I say things like "Well, therapy isn't the cure - there is no cure, other than transition. Transition is the only recognized option in terms of improving the condition."

There's truth in that, but it sends the message that I and other trans people are just these desperate, pathetic individuals who have to take this 'horrible' path for relief. I hate that. I don't want people to feel 'sorry' for me - I know what's right for me and I know this will improve my quality of life. Accepting that I'm trans certainly hasn't 'ruined' my life, it's just given me a path to deal with it.

How can I validate transition as a path without portraying myself and the community in this negative light?

I dance, everywhere. People definately know when im happy

Few thoughts.

Some families do that, simply because they know it will get a reaction. Kinda like emotional blackmale really. Your mother, for example, prefaces everything with, 'You will really hurt me if you don't'.

If you step back now, do you seriously think things will improve? Speaking from my own experiences, going back always leaves you open for further manipulation.

Think you're gonna get some counciling anyway. That's usual with most reassignments.

Saying it is a downward spiral into misery is a bit strong.

I will suggest however, that you take each step as ypu feel comfortable. Getting those around you to recognise and accept that you have a problem. Being transgender doesn't mean you must immediatly dress a different way, become obscessed with bodies and going spare whenever anyone referrs to you in the wrong gender. That's just being very immatire, frankly.

It's about recognising who you are. Helping other to recognise who you are. Moving each step as you feel comfortable.

Take them to tumblr. Some of the happiest transmen I've seen have been on that site.

More seriously, though, maybe just ask them to chill out a little? It's not cancer. If it were me I'd tell them it makes me feel bad for the whole thing to be regarded with such gravity.

That's the thing, I've been out for two years and have been dressing not-female for way longer than that. I do want to tell them to chill out, especially when one family member freaked out over my hair yesterday. It's shorter than I usually get it, and she said it was sick, that it was such a horrible thing for Christmas, that it was shocking, and gross, and 'over the top.' And I got so angry inside, I really wanted to tell her that it was bloody hair, it'll grow back, but to her it's just representative of all the other changes that my body will go through. Seriously though, she reacted like my arm was cut off and that's when she went into the whole 'I wish you'd take care of yourself, you're gonna get sick' and 'I hope you wear bright (read: girl) clothes at Christmas to make up for this' crap.

Quote from: Caseyy on December 09, 2011, 11:59:59 AM
That's the thing, I've been out for two years and have been dressing not-female for way longer than that. I do want to tell them to chill out, especially when one family member freaked out over my hair yesterday. It's shorter than I usually get it, and she said it was sick, that it was such a horrible thing for Christmas, that it was shocking, and gross, and 'over the top.' And I got so angry inside, I really wanted to tell her that it was bloody hair, it'll grow back, but to her it's just representative of all the other changes that my body will go through. Seriously though, she reacted like my arm was cut off and that's when she went into the whole 'I wish you'd take care of yourself, you're gonna get sick' and 'I hope you wear bright (read: girl) clothes at Christmas to make up for this' crap.

Do you know why they are so cruel to you? Have you asked them?

Maybe you could try giving them PFLAG pamphlets or directing them to http://www.wpath.org/. They sound like they are being extremely disrespectful. Maybe they just aren't aware of what it's like for us? If you can show them your local laws regarding gender orientation, or if those are useless show them other cities' laws, maybe that would normalize it some and they would be gentler with you.

It's really unfair that as hard as this is for us, it's everybody else that gets to complain about how uncomfortable they are.

What helped for me was showing my parents how happy I was after I began my transition. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that my life is better than it would have been if I weren't transgender... Yes it does suck sometimes, but I've made so many friends and had so many life experiences and more to come because of who I am. Show them the positives to being transgender!

This is one family member in particular, and she and others always justify her behaviour. They say that it's "hard" to accept for her, and this is just part of what she's going through. I've yet to see how verbally abusive statements and borderline bullying (she does it often when I come over) are part of the acceptance process, but yeah. She wouldn't be open to pamphlets either, I gave her a book and she just got rid of it. I've been giving it some thought...she wants me to come over next week, to bake Christmas cookies, and I'll go but I'm going to tell her the personal comments need to stop. Not sure I have the 'balls' as it were, but this is the only way it will have a chance of stopping.

I've been screwed up over it the past few days...which shows me that she crossed a line this time. If I muster up the courage she is definitely going to know that the reason I struggle with depression is NOT because of transition, but because there are people who think they can say whatever they want because of it.

fuschia - I hope that when I do transition that becomes apparent to them. They say they don't want contact with me when I do hormones, but I don't think it'll stick.

You need to learn a few good put downs, or you're gonna end up being hurt.

Seriously, after that hysterical diatribe, (You've ruined my Christmas, boo hoo, my life is over), it's time to see this for the sadly funny selfishness it is.

Quote from: Caseyy on December 11, 2011, 08:05:43 AM
This is one family member in particular, and she and others always justify her behaviour. They say that it's "hard" to accept for her, and this is just part of what she's going through. I've yet to see how verbally abusive statements and borderline bullying (she does it often when I come over) are part of the acceptance process, but yeah. She wouldn't be open to pamphlets either, I gave her a book and she just got rid of it. I've been giving it some thought...she wants me to come over next week, to bake Christmas cookies, and I'll go but I'm going to tell her the personal comments need to stop. Not sure I have the 'balls' as it were, but this is the only way it will have a chance of stopping.

I've been screwed up over it the past few days...which shows me that she crossed a line this time. If I muster up the courage she is definitely going to know that the reason I struggle with depression is NOT because of transition, but because there are people who think they can say whatever they want because of it.

fuschia - I hope that when I do transition that becomes apparent to them. They say they don't want contact with me when I do hormones, but I don't think it'll stick.

They sound mean and hurtful. My opinion is no longer valid regarding your circumstances. I'm too angry and lost. Why even have family if they treat you that way?

It baffles me too. It's a lot harder than simply putting her down or even putting her in her place. she's my grandma, and she pretty much help raise me. I would spend 3 days a week with her before kindergarten, since my parents both worked. Afternoons with her 5 days a week when I was in kindergarten. And after that, for the entire 12 years of my education I went to her house every single day after school. I spend less time with her now since I'm busy with uni a lot.

She's never been perfect...she used to comment and say I should wear more feminine clothes (before I was out), or that I should be more social, my brother grew to fear her opinions as he's very feminine and she always tried to change that. Despite all that though, she was always there for us when we needed her, if we were sick, sad, needed new clothes/shoes, food, to be driven somewhere or picked up in the evening. Even now I could count on her if I really needed something. So it makes it just so difficult to approach. It doesn't make it OK for her to say hurtful things but it's still hard for me...I'm too non-confrontational and sensitive.  

QuoteDespite all that though, she was always there for us when we needed her, if we were sick, sad, needed new clothes/shoes, food, to be driven somewhere or picked up in the evening.

Maybe that balances it out. I don't know. It sounds nice.

It is. That's the only reason I'm so hesitant to hurt her. I know she loves me and I think if she knew how hurtful her comments could be she'd stop...but it would hurt her to know she hurt me, so, there's the vicious cycle, lol.

We'll see. We set Thursday for cookie-baking. I'll give her another shot, but if it happens again I may have to speak up. While she never apologized for being rude, when she heard that I was physically ill, she said "Maybe it's stress, I was pretty hard on you."

Quote from: Caseyy on December 12, 2011, 12:43:40 AM
It is. That's the only reason I'm so hesitant to hurt her. I know she loves me and I think if she knew how hurtful her comments could be she'd stop...but it would hurt her to know she hurt me, so, there's the vicious cycle, lol.

We'll see. We set Thursday for cookie-baking. I'll give her another shot, but if it happens again I may have to speak up. While she never apologized for being rude, when she heard that I was physically ill, she said "Maybe it's stress, I was pretty hard on you."

You are stronger than I am. I couldn't deal with such mixed regard and still keep myself.

ooor maybe I'm just crazy. That's always possible.

I don't know where you live, but I can share my experiences with my grandmother. She's from the conservative southern state of Kentucky and is most certainly a southern belle. She is also the only person in my family I am out to, and she raised me when I was younger. When I told her, she accepted it and then seemed to forget. She kept calling me 'girlie', 'sis' or 'missy' whenever I would talk to her.

Finally, I just asked her if she could not use those names because they made me feel uncomfortable. She felt worse about me saying I was unhappy than I did hearing those names aimed at me. Grandmother's are an interesting breed. Chances are, if she loves you, she might not know how hurtful the comments can be. She might also be afraid to read anything on being trans because it might not be something that she feels that she can understand. I know whenever I try and talk about things that my grandmother doesn't understand she'll frown and say "Yeah? Well, y'all young folks are always just makin' stuff harder on us older ones!" She doesn't mean that she doesn't want to understand, but that I haven't explained in a way that she can understand.

Your grandmother sounds sweet. I hope that mine will respond the same way if I confront her about the things she says, although I hope it doesn't hurt her.