I have been putting off writing this for quite some time. Procrastination will probably be the end of me one day...

It's been a few years that I have been questioning and experimenting with my gender. I can't remember exactly what compelled me to crossdress for the first time, but I remember exactly where I was when it first occurred to me why. There was some part of me, that had been hidden deep inside of me, that finally was acknowledged. Thinking about it I can recall one or two periods in my childhood where I did insist on being a girl, despite the very rational explanations of the opposite given by my parents.

I am not out to anyone at this point, but I get some comfort from being feminine in private at home, but in social situations I feel anxiety, perhaps dysphoria, because I feel like I'm repressing who I really am. I think most people put up some form of façade with strangers anyway, but it hurts to do that with close family and friends.

I honestly don't know if I'm transsexual or not. I'm terrified of the idea of staying male, I'm terrified of transitioning, and I'm terrified of falling in-between genders. I'm looking into getting a referral for a therapist.

be sure you find a qualified gender therapist

It's quite daunting. I know something is up, but I'm not a clear cut case. I don't know why I pretty much forgot all about it from starting school until a few years ago. Sure, I was insecure, I was even consciously hiding feminine mannerisms during high school, but I hardly even knew what transgender was, or that I might not be male.

I don't think there are any gender therapists in Sweden outside of the NHS programme, so there isn't much choice. And right now I can't afford any private therapy anyway. I hope I don't have too thin grounds for a referral. I'm not really trying to prove to anyone that I'm eligible for some kind of treatment, right now I want to find out who I am. I don't even know what gender marker to put here in the forum.

Yes, I would certainly think so.

I do have a my share of naysayers floating around in the back of my head, saying things like "I can't be trans because I haven't felt like it my whole life, and because I find women attractive" and other nonsense like it. Good thing I found Andrea James' page debunking Bailey and Blanchard.

Either way there's not much to lose, the programme is free and until I decide to come out there is full confidentiality. (It's difficult to come out when you don't know which closet you are in in the first place).

I'm in a similar position. I am pre-transition still and though I believe I'm Transsexual because I have definitely have the desire to be female and live full time as such, I just don't know where to even begin to make this all happen. Sadly the hope of it coming true is the only thing keeping me from going off an emotional cliff. There are very few gender therapists in my state especially the area I live in and I don't have much money so I'm basically stuck with whatever the insurance will cover. I have a good family doctor though and I trust her to recommend someone at least somewhat qualified or who can send me to someone who specializes in this sort of thing. It's all very daunting especially when there are fewer resources at your disposal.

Rain_Dog. It's funny, you have just under a week head start on me in this state of questioning, but I am in the exact same place. Just recently my feelings from when I was younger have been brought to my attention and got me to start actually asking myself these questions instead of ignoring them. I just posted my life story in the introduction thread because I have diarrhea of the mouth frequently. Just wanted to post on here and let you know that I'm right there with you.

It's nice to know I'm not alone. For months I was going around wondering if I was crazy and making things up.

What I find quite unsettling is that I'm pretty much equally weirded out by living as a man and a woman, and even more so the intermediaries, bigender and androgyny. Perhaps it's a natural step in the process to be confused in the beginning?

Close social interactions and sexuality are dysphoria triggers for me, but expressing my female identity, for instance by not hiding my feminine body language, makes me very happy. I guess that puts me at least in the MTF camp.

Hey, I started Cross dressing from age 5. I would put stuff on , parade about , feel ashamed and carefuly put everything away as it was my mother's . Later , I began to aquire femal attire in several ways . My dad found it , beat me and Iwould just go get more and hide out . By the time I was in college , I knew I wanted to be Female . I drank, I did drugs . I involved myself in jobs where I hid as a man.

O K , years later , I wound up having to DRY -OUT . I still involved myself in jobs to try and prove I was just a Closet Crossdresser . Yeah right .......... In 1994, I finially broke down and went to a Therapist where in , I finially came out and started in a legitimate Gender clinic .

My story may not read like you'res . If you think you're in denial, you are ! SEE A THERAPIST. try dressing as much as you can and just see if perhaps , YOU CAN Go out in public dress as a female . TRY THAT for an undetermined period WHILE SEEING THE THERAPIST. Don't have us telling you to go on H R T . Hey, if Hormones are right dear , you'll know soon enough . ellen

I was thumbing through family albums over breakfast, and I had to laugh several times, because as Ron Paul would say, "that kid is queer as crazy" 

As of now, Rain Dog, I'm taking it a step at a time like you. I've been very happy and much more conversational recently since I've come out to myself. Went out to the bar tonight for the weekend and ended up hanging with my roommate's girlfriend and her friend. It was very nice just kind of being myself around the girls and not subconsciously worrying about being too feminine.

I know what you mean about the dysphoria triggers. Though, I thrive on close social interactions, physical space has never been a concern for me. It's when a girl expresses interest in getting intimate with me that I really feel the anxiety kicking up. Right now, I'm thinking, just take it a step at a time and be yourself! Most importantly, have fun!

Ellen, I definitely agree with all of your advice. For the first time in awhile, I'm not in denial and it feels very good. I have the number of a local therapist that specializes in LGBT related issues and am planning to call her if I can get the money for a session. One thing I've learned over time is that it helps to talk... about anything! The important thing is to just get it out there in a safe environment to help figure it out for yourself.

[PS - Rain Dog posted as I was typing this response, so to that post I say... LOL]

By the way, for something you posted earlier... You mentioned the thought: "I can't be trans [...] because I find women attractive." I've had the same thought and my take on it is, hey, if it turns out that I decide to take the full transition down the road... that just means I'm a lesbian. Whatever I feel is what I'm going to do, I'm sick of denying myself who I am.