well, right now I'm just chilling out before my work starts. and i have Been thinking of me. just me not my mother or father.

me and what i want. in a perfect world i would be able to get on t sooner.
my Dr said i can start it after i go to the second Dr and endo and they will be happy to write me a script. i even have 4 thousand saved up for top surgery. only problem is..I'm scared. not by the prospect of getting t or changing.

i dream of it. but what i fear SO much is my parents. around here prices have skyrocketed and i cant afford my own place. but if i was to move i would be hounded and my Friends would be hounded by my parents.

i know its an irrational fear but my paranoia is well founded my parents have driven away anyone who they see unworthy to be in my life.
I'm just sick of having Mens clothes hidden away wearing them for a few minutes, feeling better about myself for moments then paranoia kicking in that my parents will unexpectedly show up and yell and scream at me.

I'm sick of being scared paranoid and depressed. Ive stopped smoking since Friday and now i feel so much worse i dont have that destress anymore. the fact I'm terrified of being myself because of yelling and threats to me seems like a lousy excuse for myself. i feel do weak and helpless, i want to get out but i feel like an animal trapped caged and poked fun at.

I'm sick of being scared of my parents, sick of being emotionally dead towards everything in my life, I'm sick of not seeing a future, and I'm sick of wanting someone  to shoot me and end it all.
Ive had enough of the lies, my Friends ask me why i rarely go out even though they beg me to. i dont go out because by the time i find something i like to wear, my mother shows up to pick me up, screams at me for not adding accessory's, or makeup. i end up just saying nevermind I'm staying home. because she ruins my mood every time.

and lately whats been on my mind...is the words someone please kill me. because since i spoke to my mother every few days she buys a new female outfit for me to show her love.

i dont want it i dint want any of it, i dont want their money or love i just want them to leave me alone. sometimes it gets to a point where i end up asking my Friends, if they want cash they can go live with my parents.

I'm worn out by life, i have Friends, but this feeling of hopelessness overwhelms me and i cant focus.

its like I'm drowning. when i wake up i dont want to be awake, i dont want to open my eyes, all i want to do is sleep and stay in the dream world where i am a boy and I'm happy.
that's whats been on my mind today...if i think of anything else Will add it.

Hang on in there mate. It gets better, trust me. It sounds like you have a great group of friends and a supportive doctor, and those are really important things to have. Your friends will look after you whilst your parents come to terms with everything, and though it may take a while, I'm sure they will. If you are really feeling bad, please don't hesitate to ask for help from your doctor or a trans support group in your area as there are people to help you and you are never alone.

thing is my psycologist is the one id love to see hes the one helping me, and my parents dr is on their side in the same surgery always trying to talk me out of it. ive given my parents a year to get used to the idea of me being trans, i feel like i waited a year for nothing. i was willing to give them time to understand and yet they say they will drag me out of this freakishness as they say by the hair and kicking and screaming if they have to. right now im dissapointed with mysekf for waiting, i feel like im weak in not standing up and just saying i dont care. i feel like i lost a year of my life.
and anywhere i go in this town someone will know my parents and say something. i tried talking to them and all i got was verbal abuse, threats and two of my freinds familys hating me for corrupting their familys into beleiving im a boy. right now i want to bash my head against a wall but i know i shouldnt..