Good evening/morning,
at least for me its early in the morning and I could not go to sleep because I was stuck in my world of thoughts. For many months I have been wondering who or what am I? Transgender, Genderqueer, Androgyn, Tomboy? People at my exchange school LGBTs society told me that I do not need a word, I should just be who I am. Often however I wish I would have a word or knew who or what I am. Being stuck in between genders is a misery for me.
My fellow students often tell me that I look cute but I should stop behaving, dressing,acting like a man, or why I am not just a strong woman. Sometimes I dress cute, or in a rather feminine way because I know that my mother or other people find it adorable. I buy dresses to be like other women I know. I do it for them not me and whenever I wear a dress, or a a skirt...it feels wrong to me.
I reflect over my past a lot, like right now. How I always played with cars, lego castles, dragons, knights and cowboys. How I always hated puppets and barbies. (Yes I nevertheless owned some) When we played as children I was always a male, my friends were almost entirely boys with whom I fought. (Still true for today, 99,9% of my friends are male, quiet often gay males). At 12 I wanted to get my ovaries removed. Shock for my mother. Until I turned 15 I bought only boy clothes and dressed up as guy. ( Today most male sizes do not fit me anymore). I would often protect girls, it just came naturally. As a guy in disguise I still behave the way I usually do and no one is saying a bad thing. I love to impress girls, allthough I am not physically attracted to them.
However as a women I fail to impress guys, because of the way I behave :/. Nevertheless I do have some traits which are seen as feminine. I love flowers, butterflies and have an eye for the beautiful. I just watched "Alexander" last night and realized how my eyes would follow those pretty Eunuchs. I guess that even as a biological guy I would never really follow the standards of western perceptions on how a man has to look like. Yes I am japanese and in our culture men are encouraged to be beautiful.
Well, I am seeing a psychologist, but not one who is a specialist when it comes to these things. She says that its ok to be androgyn and she things that I just behave the way I do, because I believe that men are stronger than women. I am not sure if its so easy. I have often thought about taken pills, but I need more informations plus its a significant step.
Uhmm, I should be going to bed now, its too late already. Well that's it for now.
