Soooo...lately, I've been noticing that I can typically ignore my body pretty easily. I'm completely cool walking around topless in my bedroom (as an example). I've just noticed this one thing that's been triggering me. It seems like an odd, or "silly" thing to be triggered by, but it does! So...my trigger is watching videos of other trans men. I know, I've said it a lot, how much I dislike how my transition is going, and how little I'm read as male but watching other trans guys that are in positions way better than me just...bothers me. I know they're making these videos for themselves, and that they're not going "oh, that nygeel...we need to screw with him" but some how it does bother me. It makes me more aware of my situation.

Does anybody else have strange dysphoria triggers? I actually tried to watch some videos today of guys at around the same point as me and they all had a lot of facial hair. Made me feel crummy about myself.

Nygeel,

I know what you mean about watching other guy's videos. I have been triggered by them before too. Just seeing their lives open up for them, and knowing its going to take a while to be able to get me done and taken care of. It has thrown me into deep despair at times.

I'm not sure if it would be considered a strange trigger or not......but when there is a girl I like that is all over bio-guys- and I mean, most of them in sight, regardless of who they are and what they look/act like (in my presence) I can't help but feel inferior and angry. Just 'cause I am not like those guys, I'm seemingly not good enough. That triggers me, and bothers me to no end. I wind up ruining a night out. Every time.

Same here.  I avoid videos made by trans guys for just that reason, but some days I will watch and then I just can't stop for a few hours and just sit there and watch them and end up feeling pretty ->-bleeped-<-ty, especially if they are longer on T than me while being younger than me, or have been on T less time than me and look more male (than I perceive myself to look) or have had top surgery and are younger than me.  A ton of things really and I get jealous easy. 

Same here.  I have enormous amounts of envy when I see guys way ahead of me or looking more masculine than me.  I just try not to watch those things and when I start getting upset I think "that'll be me one day".

On the topic of other trans men, it really only triggers me when they're skinny and can wear an xsmall binder and have a perfectly flat chest. I don't care much about facial hair, I know I'm fat, but goddamn I would love these things to be just a little more manageable.

I've said this before, but naked girls. Naked girls just...good god. I had to unfollow a friend on Tumbr because she just kept posting gif after gif of bouncing tits. I feel like such a dork/prude, but it just seriously makes me sick at this point.

Quote from: N.Chaos on December 16, 2011, 01:10:04 PM
On the topic of other trans men, it really only triggers me when they're skinny and can wear an xsmall binder and have a perfectly flat chest. I don't care much about facial hair, I know I'm fat, but goddamn I would love these things to be just a little more manageable.

This. Before I realized I was trans, I was redic skinny and used to feel insecure about how small my chest was because people I had dated used it as an insult. Fast forward to now...50lbs heavier and like a full cup size bigger....damn those skinny dudes w/ flat chests!!!!

Well, mine is quite typical, but seems weird to me. I'm perfectly fine with taking a shower, I mean some days it's worse and I'm aware of my chest and it gets me down, but most days I'm fine. But I cannot STAND to take a bath. No freaking way; so damn triggering! I don't really see how the two are that different, so that's what's weird for me.

Quote from: JesseO on December 16, 2011, 01:55:36 PM
This. Before I realized I was trans, I was redic skinny and used to feel insecure about how small my chest was because people I had dated used it as an insult. Fast forward to now...50lbs heavier and like a full cup size bigger....damn those skinny dudes w/ flat chests!!!!

Aw I completely relate to that. I was nearly flat chested for years, people picked on me, I thought to fit in I had to get bigger...then my birth control pills (for cramps) did just that and I wish I could get rid of 'em. :\

Quote from: Bane on December 16, 2011, 03:31:49 PM
Well, mine is quite typical, but seems weird to me. I'm perfectly fine with taking a shower, I mean some days it's worse and I'm aware of my chest and it gets me down, but most days I'm fine. But I cannot STAND to take a bath. No freaking way; so damn triggering! I don't really see how the two are that different, so that's what's weird for me.

Not same, but similar over here.
I can't stand both, shower or bath, doesn't even matter. I can easily procrastinate... I know it's disgusting not taking a shower for days. But I can easily stay out of the tub/shower, "by chance". By "studying", "there's no more hot water", "I don't have time", "I've already took a shower" (which is a lie)... Shame, isn't it?
When I'm standing under the hot water, it's better, I don't have any problems. That's okay, to see my body, touch my body... but deciding is a nightmare, before! Of course, I wash some critical points of my body day by day, but I can hardly take a breath and go inside the bathroom for longer time.
(Just imagine how wonderful it was living with my ex...)

Quote from: Andris on December 16, 2011, 09:17:43 PM
Not same, but similar over here.
I can't stand both, shower or bath, doesn't even matter. I can easily procrastinate... I know it's disgusting not taking a shower for days. But I can easily stay out of the tub/shower, "by chance". By "studying", "there's no more hot water", "I don't have time", "I've already took a shower" (which is a lie)... Shame, isn't it?
When I'm standing under the hot water, it's better, I don't have any problems. That's okay, to see my body, touch my body... but deciding is a nightmare, before! Of course, I wash some critical points of my body day by day, but I can hardly take a breath and go inside the bathroom for longer time.
(Just imagine how wonderful it was living with my ex...)

I actually have no problem showering or bathing. I'm a god in the shower. I love my body even though it's wrong wrong wrong.

But in everyday life it's different. My main triggers are gay people and pain. I consider myself gay, but when I see a gay guy I get self-conscious and a little dysphoric. I've experienced both overt rejection and acceptance from gay guys, so I know I'm being stupid getting all awkward and self-doubting half the time any gay couple walks by, but it still happens.

Pain and exhaustion make me dysphoric as well. I've had a rough enough life (lots of work, injuries, illnesses, surgeries) that it's reasonable for me to hurt or get tired sometimes. But when I do, I hate myself for it. I think if I was a better man I'd be stronger. Or worse, if I was a real guy I wouldn't get tired so quickly in the first place. I tell myself I'm acting like a girl, and I wear myself out worse trying to pretend I'm not worn out.

I agree with you Nygeel. And I dont think its an odd trigger.
It doesnt bother me AS much as it used to earlier on in my transition, but it still does and I still have my insecurities.

The bath/shower thing does for me aswell. Before chest surgery I 9dont judge me on this :p ) would shower a around 5 times a month. I could easily go a week without, as bad as  that is, I just didnt want to be naked and see myself. I am better now, but I still have to deal with this last wrong part of me, that I always have felt is the worst.
One thing that was a major major trigger pre surgery, was feeling my clothes against my chest. Even now imagining it I get that sinking and hateful feeling.

I can be naked with my girlfriend for umm, "sexytime", but as soon as its done I put underwear back on. Thats quite an obvious trigger I guess, but yeah, I wont allow my girlfriend to look at my below area. Biggest trigger.

We all have our things that while, intellectually, we know we shouldn't (or would prefer wouldn't) cause dysphoria, still do. 

Mine, as it turns out, is lesbian bars.  I'd never felt more awkward in my life than the one time I went to one a month ago.  It's petty and stupid, but seeing butch lesbians who looked more like a guy than I do (without T) was incredibly invalidating and I was self-conscious as hell.  I also felt like I was probably being read as a butch lesbian, and that was causing all sorts of social anxiety for me.  I'm usually pretty confident in my passing ability, but I doubted everything when I was there.  There were also some cute gay guys there, but they were all together on one side of the stage, making me feel even more excluded. 

A friend of mine is a drag artist who performs at said lesbian bar, and I'm currently missing his drag troupe's big holiday show because I can't bring myself to go there again.  I know there will be a point where I'm really comfortable in my masculinity and where no one will doubt or second guess me (or at least I won't feel like they are or care), but right now, it's just too stressful and dysphoric.  So, yeah, I'm not proud of that, but it is what it is.

Ahh, I went to a gay club once and got massively triggered! Not because of anyone appearing more male than me, but because I was certain I was being read as a butch lesbian, which just did a number on my self-confidence and left me feeling out of place and horrible.

Quote from: Bahzi on December 17, 2011, 08:50:59 PM
(...) being read as a butch lesbian, and that was causing all sorts of social anxiety for me.

Exactly. :-/
Between those butch women, it feels quite strange.
Being read as a butch, but at the same time you don't have that so-called "women's self-consciousness" - "probably" because you don't consider yourself as a women at all.
Between gay males I'm always a young or shy-feminine teenager - they come to me, flirt with me. IDK why.
Between lesbians I remain some "yeah, she's strange" - I can't be as self-conscious as a butch, but I'm not even some girlish girl. However I like hanging out with lesbian, bi- and bla-blah girls.

---
Erm... FTMs, how d'you feel between cismales? :/ Do you get on well?
I somehow... don't. But maybe you're lucky.

Quote from: Felix on December 17, 2011, 12:55:25 AM
Pain and exhaustion make me dysphoric as well. I've had a rough enough life (lots of work, injuries, illnesses, surgeries) that it's reasonable for me to hurt or get tired sometimes. But when I do, I hate myself for it. I think if I was a better man I'd be stronger. Or worse, if I was a real guy I wouldn't get tired so quickly in the first place. I tell myself I'm acting like a girl, and I wear myself out worse trying to pretend I'm not worn out.

Oh man I do this. I'm in Physio for a back injury and I hate how weak and rubbish I am. I get stubborn with myself and say I AM going to lift some weights and go for a long walk do all the housework and this this and this. Even though my doctors are like "seriously, don't lift anything, rest alot, and do these gentle core exercises" Then I end up in pain, and everything else becomes 100 times harder and I get horribly frustrated to the point where I end up crying because I can't open a jar and men are supposed to be able to open jars xD

Also to the big chested guys who have flatchest envy. I feel you after having my daughter they are monstrosities that no binder can fix...that a human can actually function in. I find binding is actually more of a trigger than not binding nowadays, the binder has to be so tight to make a difference that it literally feels suffocating, and I end up overheating even though it's snowing outside =/ I've learnt to layer jackets and skarves over baggy shirt/t-shirt combos

Watching other Trans videos is hit or miss for me.  Sometimes it gets me really down because I get kind of jealous that they had the guts to come out and start transitioning before I did and they're where I want to be and sometimes they're reassuring knowing that now that I HAVE come out and started transitioning that someday soon I WILL be like that.

The shower gets me every time.  I major OCD issues so I HAVE to shower before I even leave my house (and even if I'm not going anywhere), but every morning the more layers I strip before the shower the worse I feel, but then after the shower I feel better about how I look with each layer I put on. 

I hate gay bars.  I'm always read as a butch lesbian and I hear what you guys mean about some butch lesbians looking more male than me--I hate it.  I'm hoping once I'm on T and I start passing more I can go to a gay bar with some of my friends here it will be different.  Granted yes I identify bisexual so it's not like I absolutely hate women, but being a bi transman I've waited SO long to be noticed by a gay man that when I'm in that environment I hate women--probably weird I know lol.

Quote from: Andris on December 18, 2011, 03:44:37 PM
Erm... FTMs, how d'you feel between cismales? :/ Do you get on well?
I somehow... don't. But maybe you're lucky.

I pretty much get along the same with heteros, lesbians, bi's and gays. 

I don't think it's odd at all. It really bothers me to watch transition videos of other guys all of who's voices started dropping way before mine. Or at least having SOME change in their voice within the first two months... Blargh, stupid voice.

Quote from: Andris on December 18, 2011, 03:44:37 PM
Erm... FTMs, how d'you feel between cismales? :/ Do you get on well?
I somehow... don't. But maybe you're lucky.

My current partner is a cis man. He's great and one of the most understanding people I've had through this whole transition. As for other men: prior to college, at least half of my close friends were straight cis men. Since I started college, I've had very little cis men friends and those who are, the vast majority of them are gay/queer. I typically feel mad awkward around straight guys now, especially in a setting where it's all guys hanging out. I have no idea what to do or say! I blame it on my female socialization.

My partner is technically a cis-man but I'd probably describe him as very genderqueer. It's hit and mis for me, if I feel comfortable enough to be myself and just be one of the guys then cis-men are my favourite group to be around - but the second any hint is given that I'm not considered an equal male part of the group then my confidence is immediately shattered and I feel really uncomfortable. Women I don't tend to get on with on a proper friendship level at all, be they cis or trans. This is ironic because as it stands my only actual friend at the minute is a girl I've been best friends with for like 10 years

Quote from: Jeatyn on December 18, 2011, 05:41:26 PM
I find binding is actually more of a trigger than not binding nowadays, the binder has to be so tight to make a difference that it literally feels suffocating, and I end up overheating even though it's snowing outside

Same. Binders are worse than bras. At least if there's not something squeezing the air out of my lungs, I can somewhat ignore my chest.

Quote from: Felix on December 17, 2011, 12:55:25 AM


Pain and exhaustion make me dysphoric as well. I've had a rough enough life (lots of work, injuries, illnesses, surgeries) that it's reasonable for me to hurt or get tired sometimes. But when I do, I hate myself for it. I think if I was a better man I'd be stronger. Or worse, if I was a real guy I wouldn't get tired so quickly in the first place. I tell myself I'm acting like a girl, and I wear myself out worse trying to pretend I'm not worn out.

Oh god, this too. I've got a lot of nerve problems in my hands, a really bad ankle, and I get dizzy easy from multiple concussions. I always feel like those make me a massive wuss. same as my emotional/psychological problems. One of the things that sets me off bad is when I start having bad panic attacks/panic-related seizures, which is even more stupid because one of my best friends has the same EXACT thing. Me and him had a huge "OMG YOU TOO?" moment over it, and it still makes me feel like a stupid, flakey girl.