I was taking a shower yesterday, I usually try super hard to avoid looking at my chest but I just glanced down at it, and started shaking, and getting really upset. All the time I wish it were flat like a guy's chest, and that I were a guy. I also seem to hate my downstairs parts. When I watch a certain scene in a movie, it gets all tense down there, and I feel warm and sweaty all of the sudden. I won't go into too much detail but sometimes I swear I can actually feel it opening up, which feels terrible. I wish I had different parts. Does this make me trans? Sometimes I don't know. When the odd day comes where I do feel female, I still hate my parts. 
Can someone tell me if transition is something I should consider? I feel like I've been denying it all this time.

Transitioning is definitely something you should consider if your dysphoria is at the point where its inducing anxiety attacks. My dysphoria would do this to me as well about a year before I transitioned.

But as far as occasionally feeling "female" goes, do you mean more feeling "feminine" or feeling female because you can't effectually deny your bio-sex? Feeling either of these ways don't make your not trans - but it's not really my decision as to whether you are FTM or not; it's your identity and that's for you to decide. However, I haven't met many cis-females who break down into shaking fits when looking at their "sexual parts".

Quote from: JasonRX on December 20, 2011, 07:54:50 PM
But as far as occasionally feeling "female" goes, do you mean more feeling "feminine" or feeling female because you can't effectually deny your bio-sex? Feeling either of these ways don't make your not trans - but it's not really my decision as to whether you are FTM or not; it's your identity and that's for you to decide. However, I haven't met many cis-females who break down into shaking fits when looking at their "sexual parts".

I honestly don't know what I mean. I think I mean both. I'm just so so terrified of coming out, how my sister and dad's reactions to this will be, and my friend's reactions to this. My sister's reaction to my MtF cousin is "he's old enough now. I'm okay with it, he can do what he wants". But how will she react when she realizes it's her own sister (or rather, brother)? And my dad? Well, he makes his opinions on lesbian and gay people clear, so I don't know how he'll feel about trans people let alone his own kid. I am so terrified of that because my cousin, she's talked about behind her back. I am scared. My friends have made themselves clear they are homophobiacs. Including my best friend. And I need her more than anything, she's been a sister to me when my own sister hasn't been there. I know if she were really a good friend then she'd accept me, but.. I need her. 

Wait.
Cody, are you into men and trans or into women and trans? Or both?

Your sexuality doesn't necessarily have anything to do with whether you're trans or not, even if you are.
You keep mentioning homophobia and that's another issue entirely.

I feel like if your friends really want what's best for you they will at least try to understand, no matter what you tell them.
If that's not the case, you may need some better friends, even though that may be hard to hear.

I don't know. I'm 19 and I haven't kissed either gender yet. But I know I'm personally not attracted to men very much, and really attracted to women. I don't know though because I haven't kissed a girl before so I can't be 100% sure. I wish there was some way I could just. KNOW. I have visions of myself doing a threesome with two other attractive girls (yeah, that's probably a stupid idea). I can't help but think about it though, and I can't help but wonder who I truly am attraced to. I know sexuality's a totally different topic. Again, I really don't.. I don't know :S

What you describe sounds like dysphoria and would suggest that you are trans.  However, and I'm sure some would disagree, I don't believe that undertaking something like medical transition should ever be a part of questioning.  Having said that, you seem to be more concerned about others' reactions than your own feelings which suggests that you need to work on being okay with people not being happy with you if you did come out. You have no way of knowing how they'll react nor can you control it - that's why personal boundaries are so important.  I think you could benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy, Cody.  Are you seeing a therapist at all?  CBT helps teach you how to create boundaries so that you don't let others rule your thoughts and emotions.  I think once you get past these worries, then you should better be able to explore yourself and possibly transition socially.

No, I'm not seeing any therapist at all right now. I'm too scared to go see a therapist. I tried to tell my family doctor but I was so scared I just couldn't get the words out. I should go see a doctor. I have suicide thoughts often and have crying fits at home. My family and I fight a lot, I get so frustrated because they don't ever listen to me and I feel hurt that my sister is always in the spotlight, my dad will pay so much attention to her (she's older than me), and completely ignore me. Oh, and they also gang up on me when they feel like it. I'm ranting... again. But yeah. I don't see a therapist.

[quote author=Cody Jensen . When I watch a certain scene in a movie, it gets all tense down there, and I feel warm and sweaty all of the sudden. I won't go into too much detail but sometimes I swear I can actually feel it opening up, which feels terrible.  time.
[/quote]

Depends what the movie was?
reacting sexy to sexy movie is a natural thing for both sexes.


at 19 you're old enough to go see a therapist  (always amuses us English the way you Americans run to a tehrapist anytime you or your puupies have rpoblems) or get some backbone and make the changes in your life that you think you need.

I may involve sling hash and living in a cold wate walkup but thats nothing compared to being yourself.

do they have coldwater walkups in your area?

Quote from: Cody Jensen on December 20, 2011, 07:36:46 PM
Can someone tell me if transition is something I should consider?

No.  No one can tell you that but you.  I suggest you find a gender therapist to work this through with, either in person, or though phone or web sessions. 

I think a therapist is definitely a good idea, and for sure an online one, honestly I do. I just need to look for such a thing and have the courage to talk to them.

What is your relationship with your mtf cousin like? is she someone you could talk to about how your feeling?

No one except you can decide whether transition is right for you, but you are obviously miserable with the way you are living now. So what is more terrifying in the long run: being miserable for the rest of your life or exploring transition and giving yourself a shot at being happy? You should really consider seeing a therapist. What state are you in? http://www.t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_by_region

@Harbor I live in B.C, Canada, and yes, I've talked to my cousin a couple times. Thanks for the link