I'm reaching my lowest low. Sitting here feeling like crying because my chest is sore as hell and itches under the bandages and although I'm looking more male these days, everything else is taking its toll.

At work, they're giving me bull about how I have to wear my legal name on my name tag (which I think is a load of ->-bleeped-<-, the owner is out to kill me evidently) and I started a new job where I mentioned nothing about my being FtM. My mind would think that it's obvious, but society is largely ignorant to transsexualism and to most anybody who had no knowledge, I would appear to be an extreme butch lesbian, which is not what I'm going for. I feel like a selfish bastard for putting my work, family, friends through this "Don't call me 'legal name' call me Matt" thing. Some laugh, some think its a phase, some understand but are powerless, and some I find to be transphobic. My mom denies everything and continues to call me by my legal name in public and in private, more to break me down than anything. Two managers at work and some coworkers at my current job understand but are powerless compared to the owner who is the one saying I have to wear my legal name tag. Beyond the kind words of understand I believe they  just think I'm a selfish bastard who is playing a game and is causing upheaval everywhere I turn.

My chest hurts so bad its insane. It itches like hell. Yet I can't unbind for longer than it takes to change bandages and wash up cause it hurts too much to look in the mirror, or even feel them against my body. My mom smirks at the sight of my being unbound and of course I don't go in public like that, since I am living full time as a male and just walking around in my own house unbound, no one home, feels wrong and distressing. I can't take this. I look in the mirror and my arse is huge. Maybe not huge, but too female. I put on compression shorts but it still reveals itself as another part of me I disassociate with. My peach fuzz is darkening and I have light but fuzzy sideburns and I love it, its all I ever dreamed of but I still feel..dead. Like its too good to be true. Perhaps because all my legal documents still read "F". I almost can't type that, it hurts so bad. I'm pathetic.

Why can't I quit this act they think I'm putting on and be the person they want me to be. But I can't. I can't wear my legal name tag, they don't understand how it hurts. Its gotten so severe to hear me being referred to as female or even knowing in my mind that they know my legal name, I want to slice off my breasts and carve "BOY" into my arm. Thinking maybe they'd believe me then. The pain of this life is only getting worse and I can't stop it. This is my only place to turn where I have a chance at being understood, rather than a pet on the head and a "silly girl". I'M NOT A GIRL.

This hurts, too much. A name is a name but for some reason I'm not having a great time of shaking it off. Help me out guys..   I plain don't want to live anymore. I want to self destruct until my own reflection is beyond recognition and drive myself to the edge of sanity, just so I'm not aware of this for a moment.

/end pathetic rant

Matt

Remember Matt, once you have some time on T, all of this will be behind you. People do take you seriously when your voice starts changing and you start looking male.

Keep your eyes on the prize bro and just try and get through the time before.

Dennis

Quote from: Dennis on March 26, 2007, 09:26:25 AM
Keep your eyes on the prize bro and just try and get through the time before.

Exactly. I know it's hard, with all the ups and downs and conflicting feedback, but it WILL change in time... really!!!

My therapist likes to say, "everyone has to transition with you too, give them time to adjust..." which is SO true.

But I know, I know... it's a SO not fun stage to be in. But it WILL pass

Kate

Matt,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I know the pain you are talking about. It's called rejection. It is to break us down. It's to show us how bad it can be if we continue to defy society. Correct your mother every time. Let her know it's not working. It's not a phase, it's not going away. But in the end one must realize that some will never support us and others will flat out reject us. This is a tough life we lead.

Hang in there buddy. If it helps any, I have a very big and girlish bubble butt. Kids used to make fun of me in school and say I looked like a girl. Of course I wore it as a badge of honor. The point being, some genetic boys have a girl's butt, so don't stress about it. Try to separate yourself from those who do not support you. Getting the poison out of your life will do miracles to improve how you are feeling. Avoid those who make you feel bad about yourself.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Thanks, all. Last night when I posted this I was feeling low. It wasn't helped much by the forbidden thing that isn't supposed to happen, happening yet again. Today isn't much better and all will go to ->-bleeped-<- by the time I go to work and see the transphobic manager :\ I do correct my mom, everytime. She stopped correcting people in public who call me her son, but she still calls my by the wrong name so I'm hoping correcting her will wear her down and eventually she'll call me 'hey you' or something. Try to tell myself its only her she's embarassing cuz I'm obviously a guy. 

I'm thankful that susans is here..otherwise I'd have nobody  who understood me. I have less than a year and a half now before I can get out of here. Meh.

I think you have described what so many of us have felt.  No need to apologize at all.  Just do blow off the steam when you need to.  We can take it, bro!

Kristi

Hey Matt, we can try to make it up to you here and call you Matt a million times if it helps!

Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt
Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt
Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt
Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt
Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt

Not quite a million? Oh well, I tried.

Well, Dennis is the wisest man I know, and all the other gals that posted are really smart, too, but I'm the court jester. They know what you're talking about, and I can emphathize but I can't speak from experience...so...I'll just try to cheer you up in the meantime.  I can put more Matt's in the thread but they might get tangled and you won't be able to get the Matt's out!  >  And remember: don't let people treat you like a door Matt. Be true to yourself no Matt-er what! Are these puns horrible or what?  >

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

P.S. I know it's not really all about the name thing, but I thought it might help!

^You made me smile. Thanks.

I'm losing it  All these thoughts going through my head and I suppose I should try to slow them down but I can't. The kids I'm babysitting are running wild outside and I'm afraid to go out there cuz there's a bio guy and the kids I babysit will blow my cover soon as they say my name. I was late to babysit. I may be late to work. What if the manager's there who hates me? What if I act on my thoughts one of these times. I close dining room tonight and clean restrooms, but I can't use the urinals atm -stabs self- so when/how will I use the restroom tonight? Will the male employees see me coming out the men's room? Will they care? I can't use the women's, I don't belong there and I'm obviously male. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

You could go with my personal policy.

It's called "F**k 'em."

Tell your mom if she doesn't want a son, then she can't have a child, period.  That's what I told my mom (except I said daughter instead).  People need to get it in their heads that you're not screwing around.  You've already come damn far, so why the Hell would you let it all fall apart? 

I think a good, positive step for you would to get the name change done legally, asap.  Let those beady-eyed, spineless document worshippers chew on that.

You feel me?

~ Blair

Quotebeady-eyed, spineless document worshippers

I love it!

Dennis

W3rd, Blair. I can't change the name legally though until I'm 18 since my mom won't budge on that. Less than a year and a half. I'll try telling her she can't have a child at all Although I think that's what she wanted..

I do go with the "->-bleeped-<- em" mentality but it wears me down mentally when no matter how often I remind them I'm not a girl, they continue to refer to me as one. Some people will never change. I accept that.
BTW Blair..you are an incredibly sexy woman xD. I'd never guess you weren't born biologically female.
My mom is unphased. I tell her everything on a daily basis in an effort to remind her I'm not her daughter (this may seem like me being an ass but anytime I'm referred to as a girl, something ticks inside me and I go mad) and she says nothing, does nothing. She acts this way about everything though. I reminded her again to call my by the right name and she responded "that's your private little thing". Wtf. I snap everytime.

Sucks.

But here's some thoughts to ponder.

1) they are idiots.
2) you care what idiots think.
3) you want idiots to act like not-idiots.
4) idiots want you to act like a not-man.
5) once you solve #4 it changes to "idiots want you to act like a not-_______" until you get the joke.

There's no point to this, just a mind stretcher.

Chunk