Hi, I hope you guys don't mind me popping in here, but I couldnt resist because I have a gay roommate and another one who is "biologically female" but prefers to be andro. Personally I am a MTF transgender woman.

I was presenting as a gay man for years. During those years I met the andro person. It was funny; we hit it off. I found zir androgyne very interesting....

Then I came out as transgender in the summer of 2010, and slowly started my transition. Then we became roomies along with another gay guy in the summer of 2011. Finally, I started hormones like two months ago.

The more I become rooted in my gender identity as a woman and as the days of being on hormones pass, helping affirming my physical identity as a woman, I find it harder and harder to relate to my andro roommate because I am polarizing opposite of zir into a strongly defined, clear gender identity.

One example is that I so love femme and "girly" things but they are antithesis to zir, so I am wondering what this bodes for us in the coming future.

On a separate but related note - I have gone with zir to "queer", "genderqueer", or "andro" parties/bars and whatnot - and always found myself uncomfortable because I did not like the way they dressed because I just have a different type in clothing. Am I wrong? Close-minded? It is ironic considering since I am transgender I should be understanding of gender identity of all people. heh

Well, even if you don't understand their gender identity, do you still like them as a person?  I feel like, in this sort of situation, the gender bits should be secondary to your friendship.  As long as neither of you are trying to force your identity on the other, then I don't see why you can't remain friends/roommies.

If it's an issue of say, decorating in common areas...two adults should be able to compromise, right?  I think it becomes an issue of respecting each other even if you don't necessarily understand each other.

Is there a specific situation you can describe? 

Quote from: MsDazzlerrelated note - I have gone with zir to "queer", "genderqueer", or "andro" parties/bars and whatnot - and always found myself uncomfortable because I did not like the way they dressed because I just have a different type in clothing. Am I wrong? Close-minded? It is ironic considering since I am transgender I should be understanding of gender identity of all people. heh

What does the andro feel like if you insist it goes with you to a transfriendly place to chat about MtF themes with other MtFs?

Is the gender identity of the roomie just skin deep or what?

Pop up as you wish

It's odd, because I see the whole purpose of realising one is androgyne, the whole point of androgyne transition is the development of

Quote from: MsDazzler on December 20, 2011, 11:25:32 PM
a  strongly defined, clear gender identity.

True, that identity is not one of the binary ones, nor need that identity need to appear fixed and unfluctuating, but like the moon, it should have a truth, authenticity and coherence within the seeming contradiction and change that leads it to be understood by the person and those around them as a proper, viable and stable identity.

Would seem the andro is wasting their time elsewise.

- of course part of the trouble now is that as you become invested with the binary, their company may become more abrasive to you, but I don't think that's the problem. I think it's more that when you hang round with them, you are easier to spot and read, that it makes you uncomfortable because it makes it harder to go out like a woman - there always has to be something 'queer' about it.


And you have genderqueer bars? That sounds bloody awful.

Quote from: lilacwoman on December 21, 2011, 02:32:24 AM
What does the andro feel like if you insist it goes with you to a transfriendly place to chat about MtF themes with other MtFs?

Is the gender identity of the roomie just skin deep or what?

It's not appropriate to use the pronoun "it", after MsDazzler has already clearly indicated that the person's preferred pronoun is "zir" (or pretty much ever to describe a person, to be frank) .

I think Pica nailed it...

That's an interesting perspective, Pica... if I may wander from the topic for a bit (like we weren't expecting that)...

My own progress has been a movement from "I must know what I am, what to call myself, what I want and what to do about it!  And I must fix my wardrobe!" toward acceptance of ambiguity, of probably never having a proper set of words to describe myself (even to myself), of realizing that the outside world will always think of me as a man and that I'm not even sure they're wrong.  I've been swinging back toward thinking of myself as something like bigender and something like two-spirit without either of those being completely right.

Indeed I'm thinking more and more that gender is just the sometimes awkward and vague intersection of personal feelings and arbitrary social constructs; the feelings are variable and ineffable and the constructs are of no real importance in the scheme of things.  I want gender to melt away and evaporate, except for the part of me who paradoxically insists she is female.

So to me, it isn't about planting a flag and saying "this is my identity, it is sure and stable and I'm confident in it."  It's more like "who i am doesn't matter in that way.  Have a cookie."

Takes cookie, takes a bite, makes crumbs and says "No flags for me either, I am what I am, no labels, no brand"
Having retired from the other side I look back and I don't remember why.... I remember science from school though and opposites attract, could there be a marriage on the horizon.

Quote from: Padma on December 21, 2011, 08:31:57 AM
It's not appropriate to use the pronoun "it", after MsDazzler has already clearly indicated that the person's preferred pronoun is "zir" (or pretty much ever to describe a person, to be frank) .

Unless a person does desire it be used... http://invisiblyqueer.blogspot.com/2011/12/sheit.html

But yeah, MsDazzler was pretty clear about her roommate's pronoun preference.

Quote from: Maya Zimmerman on December 21, 2011, 02:32:30 PM
Unless a person does desire it be used... http://invisiblyqueer.blogspot.com/2011/12/sheit.html

But yeah, MsDazzler was pretty clear about her roommate's pronoun preference.

Yeah, my "pretty much ever" was meant to be an escape clause . One should ideally ask, and follow the preferences of the person being spoken of.

Quote....always found myself uncomfortable because I did not like the way they dressed because I just have a different type in clothing. Am I wrong? Close-minded? It is ironic considering since I am transgender I should be understanding of gender identity of all people. heh

Your not closed-minded.   Being a lone wolf in the fashion department isn't always a cool feeling plus most people who identify andro have a difficult time understanding it too