Hey guys,

So i was just wondering if you lot would be able to help out with my dad issue.

Firstly im at uni but live with my mum when its the holidays etc (mum and dad are divorced). My mum and everyone else in the family are fine with the transition but  my dad still has problems abot it, its just him out of everyone else.

When i like proper told him(this was like 7 ish months ago), he got angry said bad things, i should blah blah blah. After a while i thought it got a bit better cos we started chatting only and stuff but then it got all bad again, he blames everyone on me and my mum for causing this.

He then goes on saying how my English side of the family are to blame etc etc (i live in the UK, he lives in USA)
So after he said all those things we didn't contact each other, i did not want to, then after a month my grandparents in america (they are fine with the transition) said he was still all angry saying its my mums fault blah blah.

But about a week ago he added me as a friend on facebook, i haven't added him yet as im still dont know whether i should or not, as i would like to hear what you guys think and then a few days ago he sent this private message on facebook

"re you deliberately ignoring me because you think I don't 'accept' you? Hey, more power to you sister... just don't think that by being a woman you have to be shallow, self-absorbed and flakey, I'll never accept that!"

He does this thng where he will say he accepts me and stuff but then go on to say stuff like how my mum is a bitch she caused thins etc etc

So what do you guys think, should i get back in contact with him or not, or should i send private message saying some stuff. Another issue is that I don't want him to out me on facebook :/

x x

I would write him a longgggggggg letter lecturing him on his behaviour. I wouldn't be needlessly insulting.. instead stay calm and mature. I would also lecture / educate him on transgender people and that it is likely nothing what he believes it is.

This is how I handled my father when he said he could never accept me. Actually, I wrote him several very long letters

At first my father ignored the letters (and me, for many months), but eventually he started replying (he said he read each of them many many times) and he started returning to normal. Just this last month or two he started giving me the weekly call again to say hi (which he does with everyone.)

Here is the start to one of my letters (when he finally replied, he said he was worried about offending me and ruining our relationship)... it gives you a sense of how I approached things. I was firm and strong and didn't give him any room for misunderstanding.

"Well, I'm glad you finally replied, don't worry about offending me .. .I knew what your thoughts were going to be for a long time (obviously a religious and sexist older male isn't going to see transgender as a positive, that is kind of textbook). I also prefer we be honest with each other, instead of all this "PC crap" as you say (so, hope you aren't too offended as well, some of my points might be phrased a bit harsh). Just so long as you don't let your views interfere with normal life there won't be a problem (and don't voice them outside of discussions like this, I won't really tolerate that and it will be a quick path to not seeing me much). I'll also be more considerate to not as quickly criticize your views when we are around each other .. .I know me saying things won't change anything and just makes people uncomfortable anyway. "


andd later on in the letter (that I was gay was also a shock to him hahaha)...


"So, I want you to be able to say absolutely anything you want about this now. But, eventually (in a year or two) I will want to move on with my life and start removing conflict from around me. At that point, I'll likely become much less tolerant to any negativity towards what I am doing (and most likely you will be more comfortable with things by then anyway. I also suggest you get used to the idea that I date men, because if I get married I would expect him to be accepted into the family as sue and scott are). Like I said, I am extremely proud of what I am. I see it as extremely beautiful and actually the ideal "gender" a person could wish to be.

I know you probably think I am crazy (and i think the same of you ), but I still love you and it really doesn't need to affect any time we spend together."

Salisha,

Don't write your poor old father a nasty, condescending letter.

A lot of divorced men are very beaten down people. Likely he see's your transition as another personal defeat.
In the modern context, women go from strength to strength once they divorce while the rogue male gets pushed to the outside of the herd to be eaten by scavengers.

If their wasn't the option of transitioning, any of us could have found ourselves in their beleaguered position.

Like any parent he had expectations for you. Some of us have parents with the most unreasonable expectations.

However, is it unreasonable for a father to expect his boy to grow into a man? I'll probably have bricks through my windows tonight for even suggesting such a thing, from some of the members here.

The way I'd approach it would depend on this firstly...

1. You had a good relationship with your father before all this.

2. you didn't.

If the answer is 1. then in a letter, steer well away from the activism that Rabbit's advocating(no offense Rabbit honey but your relationship with your family is not a political platform). Instead, focus on what he's losing. did he want grand kids? Can you provided them?  Is he going to miss bear shooting? Can you still accommodate his lust for bear blood and revel in it with him?

What's the poor old bugger upset about? Just work out what it is. It's what a daughter would do.

If the answer is 2. then it's up to you. Either way. cut the guy some slack. I've never had a good relationship with my father, but at least we have a cease fire.

Quote from: fionabell on December 21, 2011, 05:24:29 PM
(no offense Rabbit honey but your relationship with your family is not a political platform).

I don't understand ...

It isn't really about politics... for me, is it about demanding respect and being proud of what you are.

I agree with all points made so far.

It's a bit of a mix really, because you want your father to understand your feelings and where you're coming from, but it is often neglected to ask of his feelings and gain an understanding of where he is coming from.  It's important to make note that you have no intentions of arguing, debating or lecturing; it's an attempt to gain a mutual understanding of each other in hopes a reasonable (likely compromised) resolution can be reached.  Family is so important, so if he is attempting to make amends, by all means, allow him that opportunity with the same open mindedness you expect from him.

Quote from: Rabbit on December 21, 2011, 05:57:00 PM
I don't understand ...

It isn't really about politics... for me, is it about demanding respect and being proud of what you are.

you've just said, it isn't about politics, it's about politics

adding: Bold part= Text book neo-marxism.

It's up to you of course, but my view, bring it to the street, bring it to this forum, scream it on TV. Leave it out of your family.

Heyyy thanks for the replies girls

Ive decided to like write him a letter telling him whats going to happen in the future to me and how i would like him to be apart of my life etc but i will also be kinda firm saying how i will not tolerate abuse etc

thanks again for your replies i really appreciate it

x x