So...I don't really know why I'm puting this up here, I don't have a question or anything, I just kinda wanted to share this experience with you guys...
Last night my best friend stayed over at my house to watch movies and such. My parents are away on holiday, so I've moved camp into their room because they have a massive double bed and a wall mounted TV.
He and I had a midnight shift at work together, then came back to mine and started watching shows. He'd had a little to drink, so he was a little more chatty than usual, but mostly still perfectly normal.
If any of you guys on here follow my posts, you'll know that this friend and I are really close. We're very comfortable with each other, and can spend ages hugging and just being together. Well after a while the conversation got around to my situation, and we were talking for about two hours about anything and everything. I told him about all of this ->-bleeped-<- I've been through, about all of the dark times before he knew me. We've only been close friends for a few months, so he couldn't understand that I'd been anyone other than this kinda bubbly person I am now.
He listened and asked me lots of questions, and I told him about how many of us die, either through suicide or beatings, and about how the laws stop us from being safe by outing us on any official paperwork, and at every airport or job interview. I talked about how I've seen the most hatred from the gay community, and about how deeply people can hurt me just by being insensitive, because they simply don't understand. I talked about how I'd have to have an invasive and dangerous surgery just to satisfy the government that I can't reproduce, before my birth cirtificate will be amended. He asked me when I knew, and I basically told him everything I could remember; all of the little signs while I was young, the feeling of not being quite right, but not understanding how, the one night of euphoria when I realised, then the steady downward decline after that when I discovered how bad things really were...just all of this stuff that I've never told anyone, not even my therapists.
And I stopped and looked around at him and he was crying...just lying there next to me silently crying, with tears running down his cheeks.
We hugged and I said I was sorry for making him cry, but he just shook his head and told me all about how he'd never understood, or even gotten close to thinking about any of these things that I was forced to go through. And right then I wasn't sad, I wasn't really anything, I was just telling him the facts. And in a way that realisation horrifies me. There I was telling him things he found so sad he was openly crying about them, and I wasn't affected at all. I've been desensitised to the level of hurt around me; I've just gotten so used to the horrible treatment that it means nothing to me now...and I find that scary.
But afterwards I felt really at peace; to have this one person who now more or less understands where I'm coming from is amazing. It also felt good to get all of this stuff off of my chest in an environment where I don't feel like every word has the potential to bar my progress forward.
Like I said in the beginning, I don't know why I'm telling you guys all this, just...last night felt important, and I wanted to share.
