I'm Doing Family Christmas stuff today so I'm unsure how that will go,  They have been tolerating me for a while and there are signs of acceptance but Who knows If I'll get any Joy out of today - other then seeing My Niece and Nephew opening their presents.

I flew in last night and lost my iphone at the airport (duh!). Later I figured out where i left it and a good Samaritan had turned it into the lost and found so i was able to get it back. Lucky me.

Tomorrow I have to deal with the parents re: christmas. We've been in a rocky relationship for years and christmas is always an issue. I expect the usual guilt trips and recriminations about my supposed motives and the way that christmas should have been handled - i apparently never choose the right way. Ah well.....

The girls were being secretive.

I would totally do whatever she wanted me to do, she's just the right amount of cute and spunky. Not old enough to get a drink yet though, so she's pretty much disqualified.

Age can be messy sometimes.

A man. Cis, but bisexual, respectful, accepting. I know he sees me entirely as I am. And I'm drawn to him, but I have no idea what it is I want from him. While he's beautiful, it's not sex. While he's wonderful, not a relationship. I can't even see myself kissing him. But it's different than a friend too.

I am feeling absolutely AWFUL about my whole appearance. I hate my hair, I hate the shape of my face, I hate my lips, I hate my acne, I hate how fat I am, I hate my chest, I hate my stretch marks, I hate my hips and ass. Ugh. Usually, what I'd do in such a case is take some pics or a video or something where I look good but that just isn't cutting it right now.

Such true body hate is very rare, I'm usually OK with myself. I wonder what started all this.

Quote from: Caseyyy on December 24, 2011, 06:51:08 PM
Age can be messy sometimes.

A man. Cis, but bisexual, respectful, accepting. I know he sees me entirely as I am. And I'm drawn to him, but I have no idea what it is I want from him. While he's beautiful, it's not sex. While he's wonderful, not a relationship. I can't even see myself kissing him. But it's different than a friend too.

Maybe you want to be him.  That happens to me quite often a body a million times better then mine or an attitude or disposition that I would kill for.

Also, I'm really sorry that you are so unhappy with your body. I hope you're feeling better.

I felt like posting after espo for about ten minutes. Did it. Now I feel like eating.

 I swear I would have typed faster if I knew I was holding up your lunch haha!

Quote from: espo on December 27, 2011, 03:16:21 PM
I swear I would have typed faster if I knew I was holding up your lunch haha!

It's cool, yo.

I want a Q and an F for a gender marker. Right now.

I feel a lot better, thanks. just a bad episode of dysphoria. I'm glad it didn't last. And I do think that the dysphoria affected my feelings for that guy too.  Blah. Will be happy when I can be on T, it'll make a lot of it better.

Must clean this room, must work on school.

Really good. Ive decided im going to transition once ive lost enough weight and told my parents, hopefully before june if everything carries on the way it has been. Also wrote a parody to a song about how im feeling which im quite proud of, going to record it tommorow if i can sing well enough. 

Sad.

Quiet.

Afraid to speak to any negativity so....



Yea...that'll do.

  On edge, first time in a year.  I will schedule a testosterone level test.  My beard is growing at the previous rate with some of the mental turmoil returning.  My provider had quartered my Spiro dosage and the estradiol in half 3 months ago. 
  Joelene

Woe up today With a stuffy head after sleeping last night in air-con. It is rather hot down under this time of year,  yesterday was the Last of the Family Christmas events and I just felt like I didn't fit for both gendered reasons and age gap reasons.  It doesn't matter how nice they are being, Family always feels Like the other 'F' Word.  I don't fit.
I've put yesterday behind me and I'm going out tomorrow night where I'll meet a few new people and I believe this group will at least accept me. 

I feel lazy. I don't want to sort through my huge piles of clothes or clean out my closet or rearrange my room.

But I get to see my partner tonight! It's been, like, five whole days since we've been together. 

i got a work for next year and i am studying, this keeps me away from being too much sad! I feel a bit stressed right now cause i want to improve faster, and I know that my psichology can improve very much working (right now learning pro e cad ), and i accept the stress. I want to improve and to feel myself more. I still feel a disaster about my body and my weight but i am hopefull

I heard a song that said something about feeling selfish and sad and thats so me and since then I've been so annoyed about everything.

Why can't any of the printers in this house just work?? I hooked up our ancient one from like, 1995 and it seems to have the most promise so far. Hopefully there's ink in it.

I went to the UPS store once and tried to print off one page and it turned into a half hour ordeal.  My gut instinct was to say forget and try somewhere else but I really really needed the copy and I didn't know where else to go.   

A friend just emailed, and told me that a guy she knows asked about me. He said "That boy, do you know if he's gay? He's gorgeous." Can't say I feel the same, but I gotta say, I feel like king ->-bleeped-<- right now.