Okay, so my aunt's sister in law who is always over there, has three little girls. The second youngest one went to my sister and she picked her up. Fine. Then my sister was all like "oh here (female name) take her! She wants you to hold her! Look!" and kids, younger ones, make me uncomfortable in every possible way. My mind shut down, and I said "no I'm okay, really." My sister (who knows how I feel about kids): "come one! Take her, look, she's so cute! Are you sure?" and I snapped and said in a lower voice, so she's get the message, a bit more firmer this time, "no thanks, I'm okay". I wasn't thinking very well but in frustration, trying very hard not to make a scene (I hope I succeeded), got up and left. And well maybe I imagined it but I saw my traditional Italian grandmother watching my every move after that (and some other family members) until I left the room entirely. But yeah. I'm okay with older kids just really young ones. Idk. Can anyone else relate? Also I couldn't take my mind off my male cousin, who is 5'10 and growing, male voice and whatnot. Then I had another odd voice in my head talking to me. It was saying "but you're a girl. You'll never be a guy. You want to take risks with all those hormones, it will take you years to get a male body even if you did start them. What about your dreams? Your male body won't allow you to achieve them. No girl will want a 5'4 guy anyways. It will make you even more of a misfit than you are now anyways. Do you want your entire family gossiping about you?" It's all negative thoughts. I can't stand it anymore, especially when I know I have chest dysphoria, and something needs to be done about that

Hang in Cody,

Total normal thoughts and reactions. My friend brings her two year old in to work and she is in my arms straight away. The guys just coo and smile and don't want to hold them. Normal young guy stuff.
Yes seeing a cousin go through what you want to go through is very tough.

It drives me up the wall seeing girls develop into woman, it can get me very depressed but hey, we do what we do.

5'4'' nothing wrong with that, not every guy is tall. Make yourself a promise for 2012. I WILL BE THE BEST GUY I CAN BE.

It is the size of the heart that is important,

Hugs

Cindy

I'm around 5'4". I may even be a bit shorter.
I dated straight girls even before transitioning, so don't assume all girls are the same.
I've actually seen shorter bio-guys than you before that date who they want and women love them. They're attractive, because they believe they are. I don't like my height either, but I can't really change it now that I've reached adulthood, so. Maybe because of testosterone I will grow an inch or two if lucky, but I can't hope for much more. Being short does make things harder, but girls will date guys that are shorter than them, even if they say they won't, as long as you know what you're doing. It's not hopeless for you, believe me.

Cindy and Jason, all I can say is thank you so so so much for the support

Just hang in there and try your best to better yourself in whichever way you want. 

I don't know if you have any sort of history with low self esteem, but it seems certain things as of late have been lowering your confidence a lot, which would explain the voice in your head negating almost all of your wants. You can't listen to that stuff though, you have to do what's going to make you happy.

Transitioning is hard, and I think we all know that going into it, and most of us almost cower in fear of telling our families about it, but you might be surprised by their reactions. I think we always expect the worst but you'd be surprised at how accepting people can be.

Also, don't worry about your height, if a girl won't date you because you're 5'4" then you're honestly better off without them. You should be with someone that wants to date you for you, and not your height. There's tons of examples of short guys dating taller girls, or just girls that are shorter than them, really, short guys aren't anything new or abnormal, they get by just fine 

I used to know this guy named Rico who couldn't have been much more than 5 feet tall. He was basically an average-looking guy, but charming and interesting, and he always had girlfriends. I never really thought much about his height until now.

Btw, are you out to your sister? Is it okay for her to be calling you by your girl name?

I'm about 5'3" and I'm shortest of all the guys I know. Everyone else is usually a foot taller than me but I don't give a damn. At least I get wet in the rain later and so on.
One of my cis-guy friends is pretty short for a man (although he is taller than me) but I think he makes it up with his personality. He's dated a girl who was almost a foot taller than him so like many others have said, girls will date shorter guys.

And I can totally relate to that thing with kids. I don't get along with children at all, the sole exception being my fiancé's seven-year-old little brother (we have too much in common).

In addition, I kind of a have an equivalent to the male cousin of yours, Cody. It's my fiancé's older little brother who's three years younger than me but he has a nice low male voice and beard growing. Simply put, the two things I'm looking forward to most once I get on T.

Yep, I hear voices like that sometimes, especially the one that says, "Do you want your entire family gossiping about you?"  Because I know they will and are even now.  And I just hate it.  I think I just realized that there are some people in my family who I will have to cut out once I become more independent.

I'm not a fan of holding kids, or younger kids in general so you're not alone there.

As for the height, I've seen trans guys much shorter than you have successful romantic and intimate lives. They just acted natural and didn't try to compensate for their "lack" of height, and people treated them fine. Height is one of those things that, yeah, some people will make fun of you for...But if you have the right attitude, you'll be viewed as attractive. If you're constantly down on yourself, it puts off other people.

Do something good for yourself, mate. Work out, learn a new skill, get some clothes you'll be more comfortable in...whatever it is that will help bring out a more positive attitude in you! The thing about dysphoria and that little voice telling you you'll never accomplish anything is that you have to fight it off. If you lie down and let your fears suffocate you, they'll come true because you chose not to take action.

And I know taking action is hard, but once you get going, it becomes easier. Trust me, if you push yourself and take action, the negative thoughts become easier to ignore.

Thanks for all the support guys I know I already said this but it means so much

@Felix No I'm not out to any one except one of my best friends and my MtF cousin. I guess for now, since she doesn't know and I don't want anyone knowing yet, it's okay if she calls me by my female name.

@Tossu-sama yah, like, there's ONE kid out of my whole family whom I'm okay with. Also I have noticed that short guys just have a likeable personality that tall guys don't seem to have.

@JohnAlex I guess I'd be okay with cutting out some people. We hardly talk to half of our family anyways. I don't like being alone though. I've noticed it's doing stuff to my mind.

@Zerro Yep, that about sums it up lol. I am trying to find motivation to get my butt out to the gym, sometimes I just get so frustrated though. I guess the motivation would be getting rid of negative thoughts. I am looking forward to the comfortable clothes, that especially.

I've had some of those voices in my head too.  I'm 5'4 and about 267 pounds so when I first saw pictures of top surgery I was amazed but then the voice in my head said "you know you could get that surgery but you will still be fat and won't be acceptable to take your shirt off in public." so my dream was crushed but after a while of seeing other bigger guys and top surgery I thought, hey if they can do it I can too.

As far as never being a guy....well the penis doesn't make the man.  There are a lot of guys who lost their willy protecting their country and other guys who were castrated but didn't get it reattached.  That doesn't make them less of a man does it?

With the hormones, yes it may take a while to achieve a more male form but its A LOT shorter than always living in the body you don't feel okay with.  I know it's hard so just try to hang in there as long as you can until you can be independent.  I'm in the same boat and I do too worry about family gossiping.  I have 2 sisters who are pastors and my mom goes to their church and she's traditional.  I have a feeling they already know but when it will come time to tell them, they will either have to accept it or move on.  Chances are it will get better for you.

I'm 5'1". It could be worse.

@Malachite so true about the dick not making the guy. Sad that a lot of cis guys seem to think otherwise. And also true about it being worse being in the wrong body for even longer, but I personally feel like what's even worse is being in the questioning stage. I have no idea if I am trans and the last thing I want to do is transition and regret it. Yet I am having strong transgender feelings and it only makes it that much more confusing.

@Darrin sorry man. I suppose it sucks being short in general. I guess if I were naturally 5'7 I'd wish I were 5'10. But then I always think "well if I were 5'10 in the first place then I wouldn't have this problem at all". But I have noticed that a lot of people are never happy with what they have, so I'm slowly starting to accept my height. I thought I read somewhere that jockeys have to be less than 5'0. Just an example of short guys.

Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 02, 2012, 08:51:48 PM
@Malachite so true about the dick not making the guy. Sad that a lot of cis guys seem to think otherwise. And also true about it being worse being in the wrong body for even longer, but I personally feel like what's even worse is being in the questioning stage. I have no idea if I am trans and the last thing I want to do is transition and regret it. Yet I am having strong transgender feelings and it only makes it that much more confusing.

@Darrin sorry man. I suppose it sucks being short in general. I guess if I were naturally 5'7 I'd wish I were 5'10. But then I always think "well if I were 5'10 in the first place then I wouldn't have this problem at all". But I have noticed that a lot of people are never happy with what they have, so I'm slowly starting to accept my height. I thought I read somewhere that jockeys have to be less than 5'0. Just an example of short guys.

I kind of have the same feelings of wondering if I really wanted to transition.  I want to make sure it's the best thing for me especially for the money I will have to dish out.  I'm pretty sure that this is what I need.   I actually drew a diagram of my problems and finding that the root of them includes me being transgendered not that it's a bad thing but it's always good to find out more about yourself.  I'll probably post it once I get a hang of this site but I may need to do another one so it's easier to see but perhaps you should do one.  That could help.

This possibly is the root of my problems. I'm actually really worried that T will turn me into more of a monster than I already am (mood wise) I'm also worried what it'll do to my health, and also turning male will mean having to give up my female dreams (my second main concern).

Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 02, 2012, 10:22:53 PM
This possibly is the root of my problems. I'm actually really worried that T will turn me into more of a monster than I already am (mood wise) I'm also worried what it'll do to my health, and also turning male will mean having to give up my female dreams (my second main concern).

Ultimately you have to decide what is more important to you-your dreams or your happiness?  Dreams can change  I've known guys that get more aggressive on T and I've seen guys that are nothing but calm on it but it seems to will mellow out eventually.  For the health concerns, I'm sure the doctor can give you more of a targeted approach with your physical situation and aside from that, not all men choose to take testosterone so that could be an option.

These have been my dreams since I was a child and I am having a very hard time thinking of moving on from them, especially since I've come this far with it. It's possibly the only thing that keeps me motivated and letting go of it, I can't even imagine that being an option. I'll definitely talk to my doctor regarding the health concerns. As for not taking T at all, if I decide to transition, I can't see myself not on T. It's part of the reason why I want to transition after all, with the muscle, male voice, hair, and such.

Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 02, 2012, 10:22:53 PM
This possibly is the root of my problems. I'm actually really worried that T will turn me into more of a monster than I already am (mood wise) I'm also worried what it'll do to my health, and also turning male will mean having to give up my female dreams (my second main concern).

I don't know about your female dreams, but I have emotional problems, and they've definitely leveled out a lot since I've started T. I still cry, I still get angry, and I still panic sometimes, but it takes a lot more to push me to any of those states. I'm a lot happier and stabler now.

@Felix I hope to be in that stage some day. Soon even, if I can.

If it helps, I'm MTF and I'm just as awkward with children.