I remember when I was in the 5th grade I was talking on the phone to my sister and I was telling her about how much I hated being a girl and I specifically told her, "I am going to get surgery where they can change me into a boy."  At the time I had never heard of SRS or that it was an actual possibility.  She replied with "I'm going to pray that you don't get it."  Shes a pastor so that made things even more awkward but aside from that point I found out years later that it was actually possible and it made me happy although I had TONS of questions at the time.  I just find it funny of what a child's mind could come up with and that years later I want that surgery even more!

What was your reaction to finding out there is a way to "happiness" as I call it?

Terrified, confused and hopeless. I found out from a bunch of sites back in 2005 that painted the ugliest and scariest possible picture of transition. Not to mention apparently all trans women were hyper-feminine from an early age and attracted to men, and described themselves in ways that I not only couldn't relate to, but found kind of offensive and sexist. I felt even more alone and crazy. Was a pretty bad time in my life.

It apparently can't. I felt like I was already pretty transitioned (pre top surgery, but binding fine), but I got outed the other night with the question "do you have a cock?"

I told the guy to shut up, but he insisted on calling attention to me and my anatomy. To the one thing I can't change.

It's not going to match. I'll get as close as I can, though, and I'll learn to let that be good enough.

Denial, transitioning only happens to other people, that's what I was thinking.

Initially I was reluctant to believe it. I saw some people who looked amazing on T and thought 'that's a rare case, has to be, that could never be me.' But then I saw more and more people, all different looking, grow over the years on T and I realized that it could do things for me too. Then I was ecstatic.

I soon as I heard, something clicked inside me. I knew I was different and didn't feel right. I knew who I was. I no longer felt like a freak.

I was horrified.

I can't remember the full details of how we got on the subject but when I was young I had a male family member look at me and snidely say "well you could always have a sex change MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (insert a few other people with him who lold)... You're not thinking about it.... right? 'Cause I wouldn't put it past you!"

Made me feel like there wasn't any hope that I could ever be happy. Everyone around me at the time seemed to have a cruel "inside joke" laughter about it when this family member made the comment that cut deep into my soul.

That's when I found out it was possible.

That's when I found out it wasn't acceptable in others opinion.

Quote from: shortNsweet on January 01, 2012, 09:29:53 AM
I soon as I heard, something clicked inside me. I knew I was different and didn't feel right. I knew who I was. I no longer felt like a freak.

This...and I had a sly smile on the rest of the day.

It's very hard to say, as there are no words that can really adequately describe that feeling. I can say though, that the realisation my body could match my gender; a chord deep within the core of my existence, resonated and produced such a warm, encouraging, inspiring and go-get-it, feeling that has only increased over time.

The moment that really took my breath away, was after realising I was able to grow breasts naturally, that quiet inner voice we all have said, Congratulations!!  -  You can't have both. That was the defining moment. The line had been drawn in the sand; all fear subsided, "tyre kicking" ceased, doors opened, opportunities abounded and still do.

I don't care what age you are. It's when you know, that you know, that you know. That's when the time is right.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Quote from: ~RoadToTrista~ on December 31, 2011, 11:21:21 PM
Denial, transitioning only happens to other people, that's what I was thinking.

I'm still trying to shake this thing off me

Quote from: Sarah7 on December 31, 2011, 08:48:25 PM
Terrified, confused and hopeless. I found out from a bunch of sites back in 2005 that painted the ugliest and scariest possible picture of transition. Not to mention apparently all trans women were hyper-feminine from an early age and attracted to men, and described themselves in ways that I not only couldn't relate to, but found kind of offensive and sexist. I felt even more alone and crazy. Was a pretty bad time in my life.

This, almost exactly, was my experience.

Except it only happened after I started looking for "my people". I first learned I could transition because of a documentary I saw way back in 1998. I don't remember much about it other than the movie that preceded it*--all I can remember is that something in me just came alive!



*Just Like a Woman, the most humane depiction of crossdressers I've ever seen on TV. 

I didn't ever have that moment.  I didn't start to think I might be trans till my late teens/early 20s.  I knew what transgender meant since I was like 14.  I just know that I slowly became more and more jealous of all the guys out there transitioning and more and more sad that I wasn't.

Quote from: ~RoadToTrista~ on December 31, 2011, 11:21:21 PM
Denial, transitioning only happens to other people, that's what I was thinking.

ditto.

When I realized I was trans, something clicked as was mentioned above and that was an amazing euphoric moment that lasted a few days even.

Now, for actual transition, I'm trying to figure out the social details still. I've known for a long time there was probably something that could be done. Gaining actual knowledge of various surgeries was a slow process that kind of only makes me more scared to go through it. There's a "halfway" period it seems to me that I would just die being in right now.

If I could go in a cave, transition completely, then emerge... that would be ideal... and I would love it.

When I was in my teens, my mum told me (in a very non-judgemental way) about a fellow student of hers at art college who disappeared for a few weeks and came back a woman. So I knew it could happen, but I kept my own identity secret from myself.

Dear pidgeontoed,

Congratulations, you are doing a great job.
Take a deep breath .........  exhale and relax.

Being scared is not always a negative thing. It's the body's way of saying "Are you sure?"

At some point in your journey, you will go from: It's a matter of "if", to a matter of "when."  I suspect you are there now.

It will happen for you.

Take on board all the information you need, process it and deal with it.

Listen to, and trust your inner voice. It knows where you are going. Trust it, it'll take you to unimaginable places.

If you need to take baby steps  -  take baby steps. If you need to go at a million miles an hour  -  go at a million miles an hour.

See you on the other side  -  glowing.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Thank you Catherine for the kind words of encouragement. It means a lot

I've been getting better about finding my own pace and things seem to have settled down a bit for now. Breathing in deep every day.

When I was 12 about 30 years ago I used to wish that I'd get some bizarre disease where the only possible cure would be a "sex-change operation," as I thought of it in those terms.

Then, shortly before my 41st birthday I was lying in bed one night unable to fall asleep and trying to work out why I was so depressed. When I suddenly wondered if it was trans rather than genderqueer, the depression was suddenly lifted. It was like I'd found out what was wrong.

Quote from: Shades O'Grey on January 03, 2012, 07:51:01 PM
When I was 12 about 30 years ago I used to wish that I'd get some bizarre disease where the only possible cure would be a "sex-change operation," as I thought of it in those terms.

Then, shortly before my 41st birthday I was lying in bed one night unable to fall asleep and trying to work out why I was so depressed. When I suddenly wondered if it was trans rather than genderqueer, the depression was suddenly lifted. It was like I'd found out what was wrong.

When I was growing up, in my family - and to a degree, in my community at large - we didn't go to doctors. We didn't trust doctors, and we didn't want them to take our money for doing what we could do ourselves. We were backwards indeed.

So when I was little I had this vaguely mythological idea of what doctors were. And I thought if I could just get to a doctor they would understand me, and they would know exactly what was wrong, and they would fix it. I was a good boy. I did nothing wrong, so of course I wouldn't continue to live with such wrongness much longer. I thought the world worked like that; that it was simple and just, and that professional grownups were basically wizards.

When I first heard about "sex changes", I was still in primary school.  My mother and grandmother were talking about them because of some TV show, but they were talking about MTFs, so I asked them could girls become boys and they said they could. I was fixated on achieving transition from then on, but as a teen and young adult had planned on suicide as I couldn't afford health insurance and lived too far from civilisation to see a competent doctor.