I have teenage boys in high school.  Is it better in the long run for them and my relationship with them to wait to transition until they are in college? What are the pros and cons of waiting vs jumping in sooner.

Get them on anti-androgens

I'm the one who might transition I'm just wondering what their reaction will be and will it be better or worse later?

I have two teen boys also.

It's a tough question, that's for sure. I'm introducing them to "the real me" one step at a time, making sure they have no questions or unresolved issues before taking another step.

I'd say (imho) that it's better to bring them along with you, because their sense of "manhood", while it may be shaken while they're teens, will be less shaken when they're "officially" men (late teens, early 20's) and they're expected to think on their own...during which time they may not ask you for clarification of things.

But, everyone is different. Observe how they react to things, even minor details, and go from there.

Good Luck!

Kia Ora V,

Can you wait until they are older ? Will you be able to wait ?

Metta Zenda

At this point it seems like it can wait and I'm not sure how far it will progress (well maybe I know.)  It seems like they would be better able to handle it after being off at college than during high school.  But I am sure what all the issues are.  I know it would be very difficult for high school students to cope with this.

Why exactly would you want to wait?

I started with my daughter in middle school, and it certainly caused some problems, but I wish I'd done it sooner. In fact, she's said that she feels like she's been left out and lied to by my keeping it a secret for so long.

Do they live with you? If not, is their mother accepting? Her not letting you see the kids is the only way I can think of that transition would be bad for them.

Quote from: Felix on January 03, 2012, 06:04:53 PM
Do they live with you? If not, is their mother accepting? Her not letting you see the kids is the only way I can think of that transition would be bad for them.

I'm not out yet to anyone in my family.  And I'm not 100% sure how far it will progress.  So I'm thinking ahead.  It just seems like having high school kids might be a particularly perilous time to go down this path with regards to my relationship with them and the impact on them as they are maturing. It's an awkward time as kids discover themselves and determine where they fit in with their peers.  If I was suicidal it would be another matter.  But I'm not.  I just have a strong sense of where this might be going.

But I'm not sure what other issues are out there. Hence my posting.

I don't know enough about you or your situation to feel like I can say much that has merit, really. I will point out that it's possible to get gender counseling for your kids (not just you), and also that getting your kids' schools on board will make it a ton easier if you do decide to come out and begin transition.

Quote from: Vanora on January 03, 2012, 05:56:56 PM
At this point it seems like it can wait and I'm not sure how far it will progress (well maybe I know.)  It seems like they would be better able to handle it after being off at college than during high school.  But I am sure what all the issues are.  I know it would be very difficult for high school students to cope with this.

I am in a similar situation.  In talking to a therapist, and from interacting with the folks here who have or are transitioning, the coming out process may be the most difficult step.  Some have called it a "point of no return."

There is nothing wrong with taking a cautious approach.  My therapist has urged that I build myself a "roadmap" focusing on one step at a time.

Good luck to you on whatever path you take.

I have 2 teenage Daughters and a 9yr old son. The girls are okay with my transition. But my son has not really shown any interest in what's going on. So I'm in the same boat too. Every situation, every child is unique so if your children can handle it, discuss it with them.

Here is a book I read and found really helpful!
I really recommend owning it as there is always something new to discover.
Local public library had a copy I read first.
Its call Families like Mine by Elisabeth Garner
http://familieslikemine.com/

good luck!

Quote from: Jamie D on January 11, 2012, 12:53:21 AM
There is nothing wrong with taking a cautious approach.  My therapist has urged that I build myself a "roadmap" focusing on one step at a time.

Good luck to you on whatever path you take.

Thanks!  This is the scariest part of transitioning if I go through with it.

Just grow hair long to be a hippy and get testes removed to be hormonally female and then wait and get electro and laser slowly.. and enjoy your children and it will happen in timeeeeeeeeee

Quote from: Beverley on January 17, 2012, 10:41:00 AM
I have two teenage girls who accept me (one calls me 'Auntie Bev'). I think it is easier for girls.

Beverley

I've got boys. I think it is harder with boys.

I have 2 boys and 2 girls. I waited. In some ways the was the "right" decision and in some ways not.

Quote from: LordKAT on January 22, 2012, 02:57:41 AM
I have 2 boys and 2 girls. I waited. In some ways the was the "right" decision and in some ways not.

How was it not right?

I took another step the other day...

For about a year now I've been growing my hair out...then got earrings, and after the healing time I started wearing "girlie" earrings...then I did laser, and shaved arms (and everything else)...started wearing lady's sandals in the summer...allowed myself more ladylike mannerisms (tilting my head when listening/talking, smiling, etc)...at each step, my kids were like, "Why's Dad doing that?" Their mom always sent them to me, and also told me what they'd asked/said (because they don't always come back to me).

A few months ago I started with the nail polish; purples and metallic reds are my favorites currently.

I'd told them a few months ago that I was in therapy for CSA and other issues, and that all these things were to help me reduce anxiety etc. I'm still Dad, I'm still there for them, no worries there.

So about a week ago I told them (individually, as they seem to listen better when I'm one-on-one with them) that my Dr. and I had discovered that I don't tolerate testosterone well...Explained T is a hormone that can increase depression if it's too low. It is normally a "male" hormone, but for some reason my body/mind doesn't like it anymore. A person needs hormones to function, and if T doesn't work for me, then Estrogen should be tried.

What this means is, among other things, that my taste in clothing etc *may* change, so don't be surprised or shocked. I'm not planning on wearing skirts and dresses, but maybe a woman's blouse etc. (They already knew about my pink socks and women's undies...they were cool with that). (The side effect of having breasts can wait, since it takes a few months for them to really show--I can hide them until then if needed).

They know that this is all "my" thing, that I'm still Dad, that they are good boys, doing great in school, friends, etc and they should keep on doing what they're doing. I'm proud of them, and hope they understand what I'm going through...

And they do. 

One step at a time, let them assimilate the new stuff, maybe let them grow some more, then inch another step. This process I've described has been about a year's worth...HRT is just around the corner, fortunately its effects are relatively slow.

Beth that's a really interesting way to do it, and I'm glad it's working well. I hope it continues to help open the path for you and your kids.

Lol I kinda feel like an oaf now. At some point I just told my kid that I'm a boy and I'm tired of pretending to be a girl. After she got over the initial shock (I blurted it out without planning to, just couldn't handle living two lives anymore) and asked a bunch of questions, she pretty happily switched to calling me "daddy" and mostly finds the whole process pretty boring.

She has asked me to keep my needles hidden because they scare her. There's a little trouble because she's afraid to go in bathrooms alone, but she's 12 and needs to work on that anyway. She was disappointed because I used to tell her I was gay, but I never said how, and so she had been really looking forward to getting another mom, a girly one. Lol that startled me. Kids are interesting.

My transition has been pretty slow and cautious, but I guess my coming out wasn't.

Pretty neat explanations you gave your kids.

I think because of the double standards regarding male and female presentation, I already looked before coming out the way I've looked since, for the most part. So nobody saw any weird changes.