I always figured that when I would talk to the mental health people that the clouds would part and I would see my path. Yeah right.

Now it seems my life has been thrown into the blender, and I really don't know what to think anymore. Partly in due to this is what brought my ER stay last sunday. This isn't to say i'm in a rush to leave and start transition. Quite the opposite. I guess I just know nothing, and have doubts as to what, if anything at all, I am.

Did anyone else go thru this? Where they questioned wethier or not they were TS? Half of me wants this so badly it hurts. The other is screaming to stop and think. Not to mention my religious beliefs, or what my mother tells me of my past. In myown words, it is me who will look in the mirror every morning, but mom always was the source of my guidence growing up.

I guess the moral of my story is 'be careful what you wish for.' I got my wish, I walked in ang got the diagnosis, and now I don't know how to live life anymore. Should I still make friends, knowing I will have to tell them someday? Do I still date, when it will be a farce?

Please tell me I am not alone in this, that someone had these same thoughts and worries. I just feel so messed up. :-[

Luana,

Let me first put forth my disclaimer: I am NOT transgendered and cannot claim any knowledge or experience as to what you're going through. 

Someone will surely come along after me with their wisdom and insight. 

QuoteNot to mention my religious beliefs

But this, well, I hope to address for you at least a little.  I am 100% confident that your higher power, however you percieve Him/Her to be, will not love you any less as a result of any action or inaction on your part.  I'm a Christian so I'm just going to shorten it up and call Him God...and out of all the people you might have to worry about losing acceptance from, God isn't one of them.  The church or temple or other religious community you might be a part of could very well be a different story, but don't think for a minute that their reaction is how God would react.  God understands you more than you understand yourself, and loves and accepts you infinitely more than anyone on earth can.  I daresay He accepts His kids more than they accept themselves...

Let me step aside and make room for those sages to reply as I know they will...Hang in there, girl.  I know when life sucks for me I usually feel better after I've slept and woken up to a new sunrise. Hope you will too...

Valerie

Hello Luana,

No you are not alone in the way you feel right now.  Many have gone through this experience and have faced the same decisions that you will have to make.

 

QuoteThis isn't to say i'm in a rush to leave and start transition. Quite the opposite. I guess I just know nothing, and have doubts as to what, if anything at all, I am.

And this is the most important point to realise.  There is no way that you should even consider transition in your present state of mind.  How can you possibly do that if you have "doubts as well".  Don't be in a rush, slow your life down and take stock of everything, you have nothing to loose.  Listen to the half of you who is screaming at you "to stop and think" and do just that.

Maybe someone can help me here but I would question the diagnosis that you have received as well, and the way in which it was made, as your reaction to it is as though it was a complete surprise to you. 

QuoteI walked in and got the diagnosis, and now I don't know how to live life anymore.

As I was not privy to your therapy sessions I would just comment by saying "What were you expecting?", by "walking in and getting the diagnosis" that it seems as though you manipulated the sessions or colored your replies, and emotions in a way that would guarantee the result.  It's strange that you weren't diagnosed with GID.

Just some points to ponder, the biggest being:

Don't be in a rush, slow your life down and take stock of everything, you have nothing to loose.  Listen to the half of you who is screaming at you "to stop and think" and do just that.

Take care, and we'll chat later.

Steph

Luana,


             I have always been sure I was transsexual so I don't have answers for your uncertainty.  I do know that the diagnosis changes nothing. You are who you were before going to the therapist. The downsides to being ts are many, the downsides to transition are many.  It is complicated, embarassing, hurtful, very hard, dangerous and expensive. There are downsides to being ts and doing nothing like severe depression and possible suicide. Fortunately you have time to decide. I pushed my transition back for my family and the resultant depression caused me to almost loose them anyway, and came so close to ending my life. I wish no one ever had to go through that, but I know many are.

Only you can decide.

beth

Thanks to you all,

I never did color or manipulate my responses, I know to much to ever think of doing that conciously. This is to big to manipulate, and I think they be fools who would do such a thing.

I guess I was half expecting to be told I was crazy, that this was a delusional dream. Even though I hoped it wasn't, I knew what this would mean and I half hoped it was.

But my therapist, then the military shrink, both agree that this is real. At least for the moment. It seems I fit the profile from everything i've told them.

But again, only fools would want the pain that this brings. I haven't even gotten through the looking glass and I still have a world of hurt.

Luana,

No, you are not alone.

I am not sure where my path will take me.  I don't know if I am transexual or not.  I don't know who will accept me or not.  It's stressful!  You feel awkward!  It can be a living hell.  I know my BP has been on the rise since I have been trying to deal with who I am.  There is a lot of baggage that all of us carry as we go through this process of discovery and trying to live with what we learn.

There are two things I know.  You have brothers and sisters here who have walked in your shoes.  Combined together, we have some pretty big shoulders and are willing to listen & walk with you.

Second, as Valerie said, God's love for us does not change.  We are who we are.  And all of us, believers or not, are created in the image and likeness of the Almighty.  All organized religions are simply agreed upon sets of HUMAN rules as to how we interact with each other in our praise.  None of these human-rules will reduce God's love for each and every one of us one iota.

Freedon is frightening, but it is a great adventure!  Go explore and discover the person you are inside!  Don't worry, the outsides will catch up.

I wish you discovery!

Chaunte

Luana,

I have always known I was TS even before I knew what TS was. When I decided to do something about it, yes, the little voices of doubt did creep in. What am I doing? Am I sure I want to do this? What if I don't do this? All of these questions and more ran through my mind even though I was sure of who I was. You are just discovering who you are so these questions are even tougher. If you don't ask yourself these questions then you are a fool, and you are no fool. Hang in there, take your time and when you have answered your own questions then you will know what to do.

Good Journey,

Cassie

Life is often that way Luana! Not just with TG issues either! About the time we think we know where we are going, life throws in a twist and we end up where we never expected!

Take your time, think about it, and take your best guess.

I was 99% sure I was a strong TS all through my early life - classic symptoms all the way. Around 1970, at about the age of 20, I went through an extensive phychiatric evaluation that included a "gender assessment". I would have bet the family farm that I would have come out as extreme female (fem) but they placed me right smack in the middle! The psychiatric panel said I had the phychological makeup to GO EITHER WAY  Thank you very  @#$#$ much! You've been a big help!

As it was and always is, the final decision comes down to rest on our own shoulders and we make our decission on what we know and believe at the time. You must take the time for the turmoil to pass, long enough that you can hear your heart's desire. Even then, you will not likely make your decission with certainty - there is ALWAYS doubt!

What ever your desission, follow it through and make the best possible future with what you have chosen.

Hi Luanna,

I really tend to agree with all that has posted here. First off, you are not alone. Together we are all sisters  .  But like Chaunte said, each of us can take a different path. I know who I am, but someone else can feel a little different. Chaunte,I'm really sorry to hear that your BP has been on the rise. It's good that you're seeing a therapist, but as Beth said you knew who or what you were before you went. Getting your family to accept you is going to be the toughest part, but we all pull through.  Discuss your thoughts and hopefully we should be able to clear your muddled thoughts along side with your therapist, but most of all take it slow.

Gina