Most days I can't wait to go full time as a girl, but some days I'm really not looking forward to it and want to stay a guy. What's wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you! Its a big decision with many changes, and choices. Some you know will be great, others you know will suck! Coming out full time is not an easy process.  I am currently part time. But I do have days where I think its not worth all the trouble and I should stay a guy. But then I look in the mirror and I see a someone who would be extremely miserable if I gave up! Keep your head up and don't give up!

Well it's not like most days I want to be a girl and some days I want to be a girl but I think it'll be hard.

Some days I want to be a girl and other days I really want to be a guy and the thought of me being a girl repulses me.

Perhaps you identify more with bi-gender or "gender fluid"?

You should probably refer to here 🔗 [Link: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderqueer/] and see if any of these might sound like you - and then do further research.

Then don't do it. You ;can't take back other's reactions to your statements or make them unheard. If you know now that it isn't quite right, don't do it. Time may change how you feel about it. When and if that happens, then go full time. Maybe it just isn't for you. That is OK, nothing wrong with you, I think that you're feelings are normal and you are not us just as we are not you.

Quote from: Heartwood (Alex) on January 08, 2012, 09:59:28 AM
Some days I want to be a girl and other days I really want to be a guy and the thought of me being a girl repulses me.

Hmm that is a slight concern you don't want to do anything you regret.  what about it repulses you? You might need to explore those feelings before you do anything irriversible... personally I find writing them down helps.

I will say however It's normal to not feel exactly the same about your body all the time, even now usually when I'm getting dressed for the shower. I have "what the hell?! Who's face is this? who am I?" moments I don't really recognise myself it's like 7 years worth of changes challenges and emotional development in 11 months. And now things are mostly back to ordinary and have been that way for a year... but things are still different.

Quote from: JasonRX on January 08, 2012, 10:16:25 AM
Perhaps you identify more with bi-gender or "gender fluid"?

You should probably refer to here 🔗 [Link: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderqueer/] and see if any of these might sound like you - and then do further research.

Exactly. Alex may very well be Bi-gender. And changing Sex in those circumstances may, if that would be the case, be a mistake.

However, Alex should also ask him/her(?)self if it is the actual change of bodily anatomy that is disturbing, or, if it is about having to lock oneself in a specific gender role, or, if it is both.
If the prolem is about the gender roles, then Alex should now that just because s/he changes the body, it doesn't mean that S/he has to submit to a specific gender role. There are biological males that have had full sex changes but still continue to live as guys, and there are also guys that only have SRS and live as gay males, and yet others that changes their bodies into an androgyne state so that they can be exactly what they want to be for the moment.

There are many different ways to choose, and you(Alex) have to find the way that is the perfect one for you specifically.

Is being bi gender really a thing? Everytime I read it my new age bull->-bleeped-<- alarm goes off.

I wish I was like a computer program or something so I wouldn't have to worry about my gender. I don't want to be bi gender though, what am I even supposed to do then, it's not like I can ever be happy with my sex.

Is what's repulsing you the actual becoming of a woman, or losing the man? I have fears and doubts similar to yours sometime, but I've thought it over every waking second I can and I know in my personal doubts I'm starting to understand. It's not so much that when I have my streaks of doubt I don't to become a woman or have desire to remind a man, but I'm afraid of change. My mind reacts by pushing away the change yet deep inside I know that I'll always be unfulfilled as a man, and I have a hunger for transition that comes naturally. When I think of myself in the fullest terms as Isadora, I feel so much more gender dysphoria than when I'm putting up the act as a man, but I also feel more true to myself. It's just society has grinded me down so much I'm really just discovering myself instead of who I morphed myself into so I could fit into society without total despair.

So, think it over some. Find the real root cause of the repulsion. But in any case, if you aren't transsexual like you thought you were but rather bigender then don't fret about not being happy because being yourself will always give you its own kind of happiness. Ultimately, just go with what in the big picture feels the most right for you, and it'll all work out 🙂

I think it's very normal. I just went fulltime and transitioned at my company. After the first day, I almost wanted to go to HR and tell them that I changed my mind. Everything was business as usual, so I got hung up wondering if this was right for me. I was expecting some great feeling to wash over me, and it didn't. Life went on. By the end of the 3rd day, I realized that "business as usual" was the best way for this to happen, and that I was trying to doubt myself, like I had a hundred times in the past. If you aren't a little nervous or if you don't question if this is right for yourself, then you would to seek mental help...cause grrrlll....you is crazy.

Quote from: Heartwood (Alex) on January 08, 2012, 11:44:04 AM
Is being bi gender really a thing? Everytime I read it my new age bull->-bleeped-<- alarm goes off.

I wish I was like a computer program or something so I wouldn't have to worry about my gender. I don't want to be bi gender though, what am I even supposed to do then, it's not like I can ever be happy with my sex.

I'm not Bigender personally, although I do have some traits of it, so I can't say, but there is really no reason why it shouldn't exist, as there are crossdressers and ->-bleeped-<-s that switch between living male and female roles and may live in either the one of those roles at a time in periods.
But, 'Genderqueer', then? Or androgyne? People applying to those terms may not seldomly initially identify themselves as being transsexual, as they often share many similar traits and "symptoms" and may also be mistaken for transsexuals by therapists, but noneheless have difficulties feeling fully at home in either gender/Sex as their identity is not strictly male or female, although an androgyne nonetheless can be male-leaning or female-leaning.

You could ofcourse also truly be a transsexual, and may just feel they way you sometimes feels because you may be tired of being one, and wishes that you and everything else could just stay the same and that you could yet be happy(Which will however be difficult if you would truly be genuinly transsexual).

Regardless of what, only you knows the inner truth that is your Destiny. Listen to that inner You carefully and you will also know what is right for you.

Quote from: Heartwood (Alex) on January 08, 2012, 11:44:04 AM
Is being bi gender really a thing? Everytime I read it my new age bull->-bleeped-<- alarm goes off.

I wish I was like a computer program or something so I wouldn't have to worry about my gender. I don't want to be bi gender though, what am I even supposed to do then, it's not like I can ever be happy with my sex.

Since gender is not sex, I'd say yes. Even if you went on HRT and some days chose to express yourself as male, that would be okay, but not a normal urge (at least in my experience) for someone who expresses as a singular gender, especially when you express certain disdain towards a gender on certain days. Unfortunately, the effect of male hormones (because most people transfer post-puberty) make it that there are going to be certain things you have to pass as female, but bio-females can express themselves in a masculine way in the western world and most people are totally okay with it. I think you should remember that transitioning should be to make you feel more comfortable identifying with the "sex" you feel like, not necessarily the gender, because there's plenty of people who take hormones (both FTM & MTF) and still identify as queer or androgynous. Personally, I don't even remotely identify with this, but it's fine if other people do.
:p

 Be yourself!, who ever that is, Just do what makes you happy, if you want to be a girl today and a guy tomorrow, just do it! Just go with whatever makes you comfortable and makes you feel better.

Quote from: Heartwood (Alex) on January 08, 2012, 09:38:40 AM
Most days I can't wait to go full time as a girl, but some days I'm really not looking forward to it and want to stay a guy. What's wrong with me?

other days I really want to be a guy and the thought of me being a girl repulses me.

you may want to do a lot of soul searching. If you don't have a therapist please get one before you decide to transition. If you do have a therapist, please talk to them about this.

Transitioning is a big step and I can say without hesitation it is the single most biggest decision of your life. If you are having doubts from your description then please take this advice seriously.

Quote from: Heartwood (Alex) on January 08, 2012, 09:38:40 AM
Most days I can't wait to go full time as a girl, but some days I'm really not looking forward to it and want to stay a guy. What's wrong with me?

Kia Ora HW,

It's not so much 'second' thoughts, it's more so you don't know who you really are ! And once you know for sure then things will flow from there[however,in which direction will depend on you]...

Metta Zenda 🙂

I had so many second thoughts. Even when I started full time. After awhile you get through the nerves and don't regret it one bit! 😉

Quote from: LordKAT on January 08, 2012, 10:20:07 AM
Then don't do it. You ;can't take back other's reactions to your statements or make them unheard. If you know now that it isn't quite right, don't do it. Time may change how you feel about it. When and if that happens, then go full time. Maybe it just isn't for you. That is OK, nothing wrong with you, I think that you're feelings are normal and you are not us just as we are not you.

Hey, What's wrong with changing your mind? I mean, so you grow some boobs, get an SRS, and come out at work (?) If you change your mind, you can always get counseling, later, right?

I had plenty of doubts within the first year and even some in the second year of my transition and no amount of thinking ever resolved the doubts, in fact, it probably made me more confused. My advice is to do whatever it is to get to the point of feeling at peace with yourself, without thinking the what ifs. I had to just go ahead and transition to find out if it was right, I couldn't know for 100% it was the right thing until I had transitioned for a significant period of time. I even once went back to presenting as male for a day to see how it would feel, and that put a lot of doubts out of my mind. So doing instead of thinking can sometimes move things forward more effectively.

I'm just nervous I guess. I've started to become pretty successful as a guy (Ironically in part cause I feel better on estrogen) and I don't want that success to go away.


I get like this a couple of times a month, but 98% of the time I'm mentally psyched.

well, that happen to me too, i am more succes...and  comfy  now, not because estrogen because i am  not yet (well i was and i stop after  6 weeks for money and couple reasons)  but yes because i lost t a lot of weight, and i take so much care of my look, and of course my personality is far better than in the past. But at same point i dont got  a true succes..because  be whit a woman   being you a guy..no matter how much comfy / cute you are   mean that you must  be  manly in attitudes and actions 🙂 .... and sure be in a relation dont help...anyway...the know  that i am far more atractive  than before..and far more interesting as person...well  make a bit more hard  the transition making me thoug in if lost  it is what i want....and just for be (in my worse nightmares)   a  freak that look as a " ugly man in dress"

I whish so many times had that kind of revelation that some have "i know what i am girl from my 3 years"  ..or in other  way born whit a  slim small bone effeminatte  build and   gay...to  just make a "natural" transition  (like Masha do)  any one of this 2   ways would make my chose  more easy...than be what i am now. I only can do "baby steps" and try to  insight how i feel about.but always whit the feel that  my best years  will gone soon...and maybe when i do the transition  will be so late  (just to point..i dont have to much  interest in   the life after 45 / 50 indeed my dad die at the  58 so..)