If I ever needed help before ion my life this is it. please dont just pass this by...I'm scared for my life. It is now 7 am. i have been trying to sleep for hours and the dread only gets worse as i finally start to realize how big of a deal this is/could be.

let me explain.

lately I've been getting really lonely and desperate to to be with someone. this could be the main cause or just the catalyst im not sure. but ive been trying to meet people. I slowly started to notice that if I was out as female and I got a crush on a girl id have a strong desire to be my male self...possible reason being i think is because i feel I have a better chance of them liking me. I have a terrible fear that no one wants to date me as transgender...or that i feel like I make a much better boy than a girl.
knowing that I was able to go on. fighting feelings with logic. reminding myself that id want someone to want me as a girl. but one scary thought occurred to me recently.

I was talking to this bisexual girl. so my gender wouldn't matter so much in how she feels about me. i started thinking about what it would be like if we dated. just normal thoughts. and i thought about how it would be since im only part time and dont present so often. and it inadvertently led to a possible realization of something scary.

when I'm presenting as female I feel as if I'm role playing.

my meaning is that I'm constantly thinking about playing this part. I feel like in a way i am only acting.
I almost feel that I'm more comfortable presenting as male, more able to express myself. but with a strong desire to be female. the scary thing is if this analysis is correct then i honestly dont think I'm transgender. I hate using a voice and i desire to just talk in a natural voice. not because its male. but because it is just...natural.
I feel like when I'm male I'm able to joke around and be silly more. and when im presenting as female I become so introverted and shy. and just so aware of everything I'm doing, I lose all sense of being natural.

I start to think about if it was just me and someone I loved, how id be with them. and I honestly dont know. I have a strong desire to have the female role. but I naturally take the male role every time. and the thing is i enjoy it.

the scary thing about all of this is I worked so hard to get that HRT appointment set and that letter. and now I have doubts setting in. if this is what I need to do I cant put it off. If I'm going to do it I need to do it now or never. and I'm 100% sure of that....but with these doubts now...I dont even know who I am...i can say that i feel like its something i need to do to figure it out. but these are permanent changes...and if I were to change my mind on it all it would be so hard to go back after i've come out publicly. and if I were to do that id have to be sure beyond any doubt. because i couldn't come out again. I just couldnt.

so what do I feel? I feel that dating someone would help me figure this out. I need to see what its like to be with someone as a female. to see if I can relax as my female self and open up to someone and be natural. or if the desire to present as male is more than just a security thing.

I also realize dating isnt healthy when you dont know who you are. and it isnt fair to the other person. but more than that I know my luck and i know i wont be able to find anyone before my HRT appointment.

I have one month to figure this out. I'm terrified of making the wrong choice....I'm also afraid of making a choice based on the wrong factors...like the money issue. and fear of being alone forever.

just anything...help...

I do not think that I am much help here but anyway.


I can relate to what you write down here, because sometimes I feel like that too. And the more I realize that I am actually on the way to get that HRT letter I am getting more and more filled with doubt :S. I hate it but I cannot help thinking "what if this is wrong?" "what is this is just a phase" and on and on.


The thing that is different for you and me I think is that you are comfortable playing the male role? and I am not. But sometimes I can fall back to the male role just because I am used to it and I feel more safe when presenting as a male in some situations.


However I hope that someone will get you a helpful answer  .

All the best to you

/C

(Being the nervous wreck that i am I haev more to add)

This is all reminding me of how I felt when my ex first left me. I felt like she liked me more as a boy and that If I wanted to be with her I had to do that. which is when i left this site the first time. cut off all my hair and forgot about all of this.

the thing is when that first happened i felt fantastic. I remember telling my friend that I felt comfortable in my body again for the first time. I no longer worried about how i looked. was making lots of friends and being out there. I was completely convinced I made the right choice in being a  boy and thankful i figured it out.

I wont try to deny to anyone or myself thats how I felt.

and the way it all came back....it wasnt like a bubbling problem that needed to surface again...it was more of a "I remember going through that. I do really wish i was a girl. maybe i should tell my friends about it"

so i told them. and telling them made me feel good. and they kind of assumed I was considering it, and knowing how supportive they were made me feel like considering it again. so I did and its just gone from there.

they kept telling me I seemed so much happier. everyone said i was smiling so much more. my therapist as well. I know being seen as a girl made me feel fantastic beyond comprehension. and i know if I could feel natural and not have to try or think about it id prefer it. or at least i really think so

another thing to consider is I haven't really presented much lately. since moving and having no reason/friends to go out i just stay at home as a boy and go to work as a boy. so that could be adding to it feeling more like an act, since its so much work...and when no ones going to see me i just be this. which I say is a boy. because theres stubble, deep voice. bad hairline ect.

I think ive been been hoping that taking hormones would help me make up my mind, itl either feel right or wrong. but as the date draws nearer i worry more and more about the implications of making the wrong choice.

I'm not sure how much I can help here but i'll do my best.

The first thing I'll say, and I think you know this, is we will all help and support you here no matter what you decide. But at the end of it all YOU must be the one to decide.

The second thing I will say is that this seems similar to a sort of "pre-wedding jitters". What you are doing is big,  there is no doubting that, and before big life events we all get nervous. I am in a similar boat in that the date for my hormaone treatment is rapidly approaching also. The nerves are there but you must try to think through them.

You describe yourself as a boy because of "stubble, a deep voice, and bad hairline". From the context it does not seem like you like this appearance or description. You may be comfortable in the "male role" but you must think why. I know I am comfortable with some aspects of the "male role" but the more I think about it the more it feels like those things I like about it are not because it is male, but rather because they are part of who I am. I don't know if I am making myself clear, but please think about what "male" roles and things you like and ask yourself would it be impossible to like them as female.

Lonliness is a terrible thing, believe me I know, but if you can try to ignore it even a little it won't seem as bad. It's a big ask I know but you must not let any 1 individual aspect of your life control all others.

Maybe it would help you feel more secure if you dressed and acted in your female manner when at home alone. I know it may seem like a lot of effort but it may make it feel less like an act and more like a part of you. Just a suggestion.

I hope that was helpful and remember we are here for you, you can PM me any time you like if you want to talk.

Well, you are certainly not the first to have doubts, if that could be of any comfort. Just the other day, this very matter were discussed in the following thread: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,113588.0/topicseen.html

As you can see, the issues of the Thread starter's doubts are pretty much the same and it is not a very uncommon question, actually, whatever that might mean.

As for your ponderings, it is difficult to advice on what could be the cause for them in your case.
It could be that you are genuinly transsexual but feels that your presentation as a female is "RolePlay" because you are more concerned about passing as a female than being one, if that makes sense to you.
If you were one of those that didn't give a darn about whether you were clocked or not, you would- if you are a transsexual- be much more happy and secure in your identity.

However, the other option is that you are not a transsexual at all, but perhaps Genderqueer, Intergender, an Androgyne, or perhaps even a Crossdresser.
People of all the mentioned types have repeatedly mistakened themselves for transsexuals, and even been mistaken as such by their therapists, as they have many similar traits, and have also had full sexchanges. Sometimes they have turned out genuinly happy anyway despite not being true transsexuals, while others have regretted it deeply after their realization about their true identity and have turned bitter and deeply miserable, while yet others didn't think it made any bigger difference, as the sex change just gave them "another bodyshell" anyways without really affecting the inner identity, or how to put it.

Think it all through very carefully, and think through all options you can possibly think of, in regards of how you could potentially live out your identity to the fullest and also be happy to the fullest.

Perhaps you are one of those that only wants FFS(Or some other body modification) and Anti-androgenes to be happy in either roles.

Anyway, I am attaching the following link to a Blog of a former MTF that descided to live as an Androgyne male instead, as he felt that he, as a female, was rather putting on an act than being his true self: http://gidinteralia.blogspot.com/2009/07/my-transition.html

I was feeling much the same right before HRT. I had this huge fear of presenting as myself, and when I did, I felt I came off as awkward.  Something I have found that helps me find peace in all of this, is that I am not "acting" as a girl or a boy, I am simply being me. And trust me...I am a complete dude. Totally, fo sha. The only thing that has changed, is that I don't want to puke every time I look at a mirror,

To be quite honest, I assumed you were on HRT, especially since you have been presenting as yourself for awhile. I couldn't do that, I didn't do that. I kept running back to the comfort of my old life. And that's what it was for me, I was running back to what I knew, what was comfortable. That very well could be what you are feeling, right now. It also sounds like you are doing what I did, and over-think every thing going on in my life.

I got so depressed over how I felt right before HRT, that if it didn't help, that I was going to forget transition, and trying and see how long I could go with my life before killing myself.

Quote from: A_Dresden_Doll on January 09, 2012, 10:14:33 AM
I was feeling much the same right before HRT. I had this huge fear of presenting as myself, and when I did, I felt I came off as awkward.  Something I have found that helps me find peace in all of this, is that I am not "acting" as a girl or a boy, I am simply being me. And trust me...I am a complete dude. Totally, fo sha. The only thing that has changed, is that I don't want to puke every time I look at a mirror,

To be quite honest, I assumed you were on HRT, especially since you have been presenting as yourself for awhile. I couldn't do that, I didn't do that. I kept running back to the comfort of my old life. And that's what it was for me, I was running back to what I knew, what was comfortable. That very well could be what you are feeling, right now. It also sounds like you are doing what I did, and over-think every thing going on in my life.

I got so depressed over how I felt right before HRT, that if it didn't help, that I was going to forget transition, and trying and see how long I could go with my life before killing myself.

sorry if my honesty will hurt you, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut

you say you act like a dude etc. (and in my opinion you really look like a great girl), but why did you do transitioning then? for looks?

if yes, all my disrespect goes to you.

if no, it'd be nice if you would explain that, BUT you don't have to, because who am i to judge you?

Quote from: Zarania on January 09, 2012, 11:48:41 AM

sorry if my honesty will hurt you, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut

you say you act like a dude etc. (and in my opinion you really look like a great girl), but why did you do transitioning then? for looks?

if yes, all my disrespect goes to you.

if no, it'd be nice if you would explain that, BUT you don't have to, because who am i to judge you?

I'm on HRT so I can be prettier.
I don't act like a dude and I'm sure Dresden doesn't either, we're more laidback and not so peppy like other women.
We like traditional male things.
That's who we are, if we changed that then we'd be "acting", or being fake.

I wish I knew how to help you. It sounds like a rough spot to be in. I will be guessing a bit here so sorry if I get some assumptions wrong. I personally think that you wont have much problems dating as a woman, you already look well on your way and are pretty cute before hrt, so I'm guessing it will really improve things.

I am still presenting 100% male offline so I can't say I know what it's like to present female yet but I think I can understand partially why it would feel easier to you in the guy role. You don't look that old but you have still lived most of your life in that role, it's what you know best. It may feel comfortable just because of that. I wouldn't automatically assume from this that you aren't trans, it could just be a conditioned response to change. I know the thought of being my true self scares the hell out of me, as much as I want it I know it would be easier in many ways to stay as I am but I know I would be living a lie.

You mention the roleplay aspect which I'm assuming means you are feeling like being the woman is a lie for you. To me this just sounds like natural self doubt to major changes, as you said you are going for hrt very soon here so the pressure is on. The question really seems to be which will be the bigger lie for you? Living as the woman you wish you were or as the man you know others expect of you.

If it is just doubt about being alone I really feel you won't have much worries in that area. For reference I am just now coming to terms with my own gender issues and still have quite the straight alpha male mentality in a lot of ways, one of which tends to be who I am attracted to for the most part. And as I said earlier you are already well on your way and I totally feel you can transition with great success if you can get through your doubts.

Really though you should do what you feel will be best, yeah it may be a hard road, and the comfort you are used to of being a guy because it's what you've known may be lost to you in the months ahead if you do hrt. Just gotta ask yourself what will make you most happy and worry about dating later.

I hope some of this might help. Just some of my rambling thoughts. *hugs*

Being at a less advanced stage in transition than you, I don't know how much I can help, but I can at least try.

You have to remember you're going out as female before having had any physical transition done at all. I haven't even considered trying that. I just know it would feel fake. No matter how I feel inside, if I have to disguise or fake things to be seen as female, it doesn't work; it's just as bad as faking to be male; I'd only be changing what I fake, but still be faking.

So I can't help but think it's entirely normal to feel as you do right now. I wouldn't have gotten this far. For me, presenting as female is a no until my name is changed and I can do it 24/7; and anything akin to sexual activity is a no until my genitals have changed. I just know I'd feel as wrong, or even more wrong, than I do now.

The key points I get from your posts is that you feel wrong not because you're presenting as female, but because you have to fake to do so, right? As I understand it, you enjoy "boy mode" since it doesn't involve forcing yourself or being careful. That pretty much means that a non-physically-transitioned transgender's life is not for you... Which is the case for a big proportion of people over here, me included. I can't read your mind, but the "verdict" I get from this is that you actually would get help from that HRT.

Think about it: right now, you say you feel good being female. So you like being female. You also say you enjoy being male, but you never mention anything male because it's male, and you always say there's another reason; it's always because it's more natural. So you don't like faking; you don't like the in-between state. There are things you like because they are female, but none you do because they are male, so where could the assumption that you like to be male come from? Simple mathematics: Like to be female + Don't like the in-between state = Like to be female without the in-between elements = Should feel better after a complete-ish physical transition.

I also want to add that HRT changes that occur before 6 months are generally regarded as reversible and/or not very apparent if treatment is stopped.

I know I've said that many times already, but I still feel you're worrying way too much. If you haven't lied in your therapist (assuming she's competent) meetings and have been referred, then it probably means transition is for you. And I can't help but worry about your apparent roller coaster of feelings.

Sometimes you're so decided not to transition that you leave the site; sometimes you're so motivated that you even present as female without any HRT and beam with joy; and now you're back to major doubts and anxiety. I still think you might want to look into this. My father has been bipolar all his life and denied it all his life; as a result, he lost his wife, the respect of his children, and lived a bankruptcy. I'm probably wrong and I hope I am, and I don't have any right to say this, nor have I even met you in person, but I think you should try to get that assessed. I'm really worried for you.

The last time you had a "transitional down", you left the site, cut your hair, got a beard, forgot about it all, etc. So you tried doing nothing and your problems came back unchanged. So that option is noted as non-working. So you have the choice of a solution that could or could not help, HRT and transition, or a solution that has been confirmed not to help, cancelling everything.

I sincerely don't see any reason to cancel everything again. In all logic, it'll repeat the same pattern you lived a few months ago. What's the use in going back and forth?

Moreover, decisions driven by fear always have higher chances of being bad ones, aren't they? You took a thought-out, logical, calm decision. Any decision you take now should theoretically be inferior, simply because your judgement is clouded by your anxiety.

You could try pondering on this, too...

You took the decision to transition because it seemed like it was the best option, right? I mean, there aren't thousands of options available to you. Now, your feelings have changed. Why is that? Is there an option, other than HRT, that you feel would be better for you? Examine your choices: would a partial transition help you more? would you like to live an androgynous life? etc. If you're not more inclined towards another choice, then why change it? Fearing something is no reason to choosing something else, is it?

If I have to either walk 100 Km on a well-lit road or walk 1 Km in a small, scary, dark tunnel and I'm scared of the darkness of the tunnel when standing in front of it... I knew it was dark and scary when I decided to use it. Assuming I can't turn back, the circumstances haven't changed: I'm still not interested in walking 1000x more, the tunnel is exactly as dark and scary as it used to be, and there's no new road available. I'm going to swallow my fear and go in the tunnel, since it's the only choice there is.

Your situation is similar. Has the tunnel changed? Is there a new road? If not, what reason would there be to change your decision?

If you're still doubting despite those logical arguments, then I have to deem your state as normal but useless anxiety. Ignore it and avance.

The key in my message is: you're not thoughtlessly charging into transition. You've thought about it already, so doubting now is pointless. Unless something else than your state of mind has changed, don't even allow yourself to doubt.

I hope I helped... Doesn't feel very helpful, sorry.

 You mentioned a few things i have thought about as well.
I don't want to change my voice either, and I doubt I will.
I just like behaving like myself, and I define if that is masculine, or feminine no one else.
I'm going on hormones of course myself in about 4 days, and I have realized
that once on them, i can also get off them. I need to experience being on hormones
to know for sure. I think that is really important.
I think this is also difficult, learning you can be just as outgoing and sexual presenting as a woman
you just have to adjust.
Also, if she identifies as bisexual, she may only want to date someone in the binary of male or female.
Queer folks are more likely to date someone who is transgender.
Hope this helps
~aeron.

I think you need to think about who your actually trying to be and what your trying to achive with your transition I know in my case after training my voice for several months and using my female voice for the better part of the year it became my "natural" voice in that if I put no effort in it tends to drift around that area. When you speak in a voice consider what impression your trying to make.

But what your talking about is much more than that.
Sexist sterotypes don't define your gender simply not wanting to put a dress or makeup on everyday, dosen't suddenly make you a man. This is about what YOU want from life. Do you want a feminized body or not, Do you want to live in your everyday life as a man or not? These are the actual questions that should be influencing wheather or not you want to go on HRT.
Humans arn't creatures of staisis and it's not like transition is the only change you can make to yourself not matter what your decision that's going to have some irriversible conciquences on your life and body anyway so it dosen't help to dwell on it in the way you are young and if you decide not to your body might well become more masculine.

The important thing is to be a personality your happy as don't be acting after you know what kind of person you wanna be you then fiddle with your body to fix any remaining gender dysphora you might feel about it.

Quote from: Zarania on January 09, 2012, 11:48:41 AM

sorry if my honesty will hurt you, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut

you say you act like a dude etc. (and in my opinion you really look like a great girl), but why did you do transitioning then? for looks?

if yes, all my disrespect goes to you.

if no, it'd be nice if you would explain that, BUT you don't have to, because who am i to judge you?

No offense taken. I am trans, but I don't really consider myself deserving to be female. I just act like a dude when I go out. There isn't an act or me being "me", because there really is no "me". I don't identify as anything. I transitioned because it seemed preferable to the gun in my mouth.

It's very normal to have these doubts, and the fact you are listening to them and giving them a voice is very positive, it means you are giving thought to transition and not running into it without considering the consequences.

I had the same thing of initially feeling 'safer' in the male role - I was used to it, after all. While I wanted to be seen as female, initially wearing the wig and putting on the new voice did sometimes feel a bit 'fake' and I got quite similar doubts. However, for me, the more I grew into myself, and into being female, the more the 'established' male shell fell away and being female became more natural and less 'fake'. In fact I still had some doubts even 6 months or so into hormones. Now 5 and a half years later and post op, I have no doubts at all it was the right decision in my case. It may be the same for you, although I can't say for sure. However, what I can say is that more time as a female will certainly make you more sure one way or the other.

However, the way I got through it was working out what I DIDN'T want, eliminating all of those options and going with what was left. So I asked myself - do I want to be male, forevermore, with a body getting more masculine every day? No. Do I want to be a part time crossdresser? No. Do I want to be a non op trans? No. Do I want to be GQ/Androgyne? No, that isn't enough. And what was left, I went with that.

well, i am almost in the same boat that you Eve, as i told in other treadh. I only can say you..try the HRT ..after all almost is all reversible,  for me the transition was a good thing.. no matter if i  end as girl or in the midle or as a andro boy...because i am far more happy and comfortable whitout the excess of manly look.  In other way...i am happy  that you post this..because  the answer help me too in my own huge doubts...( a lot of them common  whit yours) .

I live  100% time as  man...but i cant denied  what when my friend  call me "how are you gal?" i feel a  so nice tickle inside

So...you have the HRT letter, but haven't done the hormones yet?

Isn't the letter good for a year? Why do you *have* to decide in a month?

Quote from: Beth Andrea on January 09, 2012, 09:01:26 PM
So...you have the HRT letter, but haven't done the hormones yet?

Isn't the letter good for a year? Why do you *have* to decide in a month?

i set my endo appointment for February 20th since that was the earliest I could.

I gotta say I was prepared for replies saying that i may very well not be trans and need to really consider this thoroughly before I go on

I do feel a lot better now. I'm genuinely letting my fear of ending up alone grip me. i mean I know It took em so long to face my gender issues in the first place because of this. i only faced it because i was with my ex for so long and was convinced it wasn't going to end.

either way im trying desperately to just calm down. im just freaking out because theres this girl who seems so perfect...and im terrified that she may not like me solely because im trans. not in a bad way, people cant help if they arent attracted to someone. i can understand it. so really the want comes form nothing but wanting to please someone else. and at least I can recognize that i guess

at any rate i brought it up in therapy. so hopefully thatl help

Quote from: Eve of Chaos on January 10, 2012, 04:41:02 AM
I do feel a lot better now. I'm genuinely letting my fear of ending up alone grip me. i mean I know It took em so long to face my gender issues in the first place because of this. i only faced it because i was with my ex for so long and was convinced it wasn't going to end.

I thought I was going to be alone.. And then someone wandered in to my life and surprised me.. She loves me for who I am, not what I am...

I'll just comment on the possible relationship with this Bi girl.  Maybe just let some of the pressure off and try hanging out together as good friends first, and see if the vibe is still there after spending some time together? That would give her some time to get to know you better too.
Main thing is, try and relax a little and if you are gender fluid that is okay too.  I am starting to feel that I may be more fluid than I thought when I started all this myself.
Whatever works for you is a good thing.

Karen.

It's not so bad. I wasn't passing well and now I'm living as a guy (MTF and back to M) and I feel a little upset but I can pick myself up from mid 2010 before anything like this happened to me and I got back some friends I haven't seen in a year.