Quote from: Emi on January 09, 2012, 07:28:00 PM
well, that happen to me too, i am more succes...and  comfy  now, not because estrogen because i am  not yet (well i was and i stop after  6 weeks for money and couple reasons)  but yes because i lost t a lot of weight, and i take so much care of my look, and of course my personality is far better than in the past. But at same point i dont got  a true succes..because  be whit a woman   being you a guy..no matter how much comfy / cute you are   mean that you must  be  manly in attitudes and actions .... and sure be in a relation dont help...anyway...the know  that i am far more atractive  than before..and far more interesting as person...well  make a bit more hard  the transition making me thoug in if lost  it is what i want....and just for be (in my worse nightmares)   a  freak that look as a " ugly man in dress"

I whish so many times had that kind of revelation that some have "i know what i am girl from my 3 years"  ..or in other  way born whit a  slim small bone effeminatte  build and   gay...to  just make a "natural" transition  (like Masha do)  any one of this 2   ways would make my chose  more easy...than be what i am now. I only can do "baby steps" and try to  insight how i feel about.but always whit the feel that  my best years  will gone soon...and maybe when i do the transition  will be so late  (just to point..i dont have to much  interest in   the life after 45 / 50 indeed my dad die at the  58 so..)

I feel exactly the same way. Life would be a lot easier if:

1. I had always known I was a girl since I was 3, like many do

2. I was a gay man

3. I have a slight build

Quote from: Assoluta on January 08, 2012, 08:02:24 PM
I had plenty of doubts within the first year and even some in the second year of my transition and no amount of thinking ever resolved the doubts, in fact, it probably made me more confused. My advice is to do whatever it is to get to the point of feeling at peace with yourself, without thinking the what ifs. I had to just go ahead and transition to find out if it was right, I couldn't know for 100% it was the right thing until I had transitioned for a significant period of time. I even once went back to presenting as male for a day to see how it would feel, and that put a lot of doubts out of my mind. So doing instead of thinking can sometimes move things forward more effectively.

This...this...I'm gonna hold onto this tidbit for the near future.

So my experience is a little different as I have learned and come to better understand myself (as I do not ID with the gender binary)...but I wanted to share it in hopes that it may help in some way with your struggles on doubt and second thoughts.

I have come close several times over the course of 3-4 years to attempt transition...however each and every time I ran into the same wall consistently: one of fear and doubt. Did it eliminate the problem of gender for me to bury it afterwards? Oh heck no. All it did was make me feel horrible. As I have tried numerous routes to become more comfortable with myself and understand who I am, it occurred to me: I was thinking on the totally wrong terms. In the past several months I have begun to shift my thinking towards a new realization: I have been trying to fit an exclusive gender to myself but have never been fully consistent inside. In fact, I found a term that best describes me, more so than genderqueer even does, pangender. I still....want to deal with this, because gender is still a very prevalent issue to me and it continues to influence and inhibit on my life. I have resolved that I MUST deal with it in order to finally move on. But, for me, what could I do? I have had, like you, recently more success personally living in the male gender role...but don't want to lose that, yet don't know how I can make things better for me with gender. Then something occurred to me in the past week....

I was thinking about this the wrong way entirely. Gender does not fully apply to me because I do not fully ID as either....so WHY ON EARTH have I been trying to think of it on a binary-level basis for so long?! It no longer made sense, and as soon as I thought of that, it became more clear what I had to do. It cut a good part of static out that I was trying to figure out with my connection to the world around me, and got straight to the heart of the matter. I still want to go onto hormones, I know that much, and with this realization, I saw past the binary that unlike most, cis or trans, is able to be comfortable with. (because they can ID as either male or female) It's literally a foreign thing to me....I can't fully comprehend it, and some days I wish I could, or I wish it were that easy. But it's not. That was not and never has been my reality, but I did not realize it until after years and years of struggling blindly. It's about what is going to me most comfortable for me, and to do that I have to do away with the binary completely (at least, on a personal level, because the world around me is still going to try and judge my gender) to make that happen.

Now, tying into what Assoluta said, the doubts are gonna be there....and like she said and I can definitely relate, sometimes the more you try to figure it out, the worse it becomes and the more confusing it can get in the process. It's a case-by-case basis and we will all have different experiences, but you have to be able to decipher for yourself how you truly feel about it. It's not easy, and can take a long time to do it (I've been trying to actively deal with this for 5 years now, and a lot of the time it seems like no end is in sight), but if you can speak to a gender therapist, they can equip you over time to rationalize and challenge thought processes that may be inhibiting you from seeing it. They can help you to devise healthy ways and strategies to analyze why you are feeling this way in the face of handling changes. Doubts can be normal, and I believe to be healthy as well, but when they became too the point that they controlled my life, that's when they get to be way too much. (and it's taken a long time for me to see that) I found too, that focusing my energy into things that are more positive is a good thing, as feeding that doubt would result in me feeling horrible 100% of the time.

This may have sounded long-winded and I apologize if it did (I just woke up 20 min ago from a nap...still sleepy), but I hope my experiences can give some kind of insight for you, or help in some way...at the very least to let you know that you are most certainly not alone in this.

I try NOT to step too close here - but there are some folks that GROOVE on self-doubt, getting 100s of different sorts of advice, and then in any case do the 'wrong' thing.

I have no idea how clear you are about making decisions in other areas of your life, if not then that be an indication on what you have to work on --- long before jumping into the deep end of transition.

Gosh, as Annah said so rightly: "I was the most important decision in my LIFE!"
And so it was in mine, and many others for sure.
That's no play-play stuff honey.

If you have a habit of being "stuck in the middle" in other situations, I suggest you go look into that before making a move.

Note: "If you do not know what to do... do nothing, - until you DO know."

Axélle

Quote from: JasonRX on January 08, 2012, 10:16:25 AM
Perhaps you identify more with bi-gender or "gender fluid"?

You should probably refer to here and see if any of these might sound like you - and then do further research.

Informative link.  Thanks, Jason.

I would be more worried if you DIDN'T have any second thoughts.  It's a huge decision, and shouldn't be taken lightly.  If you had absolutely no conflict, you are obviously seeing the situation with blinders on.  I have one friend who is so completely set on transition/living full-time that they don't seem to have even considered the fact that they may not actually be trans (as the majority of my friends and I feel could possibly be the case).  It's a GOOD thing that you're confronting yourself with this question, because it shows that you're serious about this decision.  There's nothing wrong with thinking it out and trying to figure out if it's completely right for you to transition/go full-time, because, in the end, it's a life changing decision that is difficult to take back for a number of reasons.  If you deliberate with yourself about it, you'll be able to rest easy that what you're doing is right for you.

Personally, I don't think of myself as "being a woman" or "being a man"... I just think of myself as "being me".

Really, it is all an issue of semantics. Decide what you like...what you think will make you happy and how it will affect your life... and then go from there.

I'm 10 months into hormones and still have no clue "what I am" It shifts day from day....hour from hour

Quote from: Heartwood (Alex) on January 08, 2012, 09:59:28 AM
Well it's not like most days I want to be a girl and some days I want to be a girl but I think it'll be hard.

Some days I want to be a girl and other days I really want to be a guy and the thought of me being a girl repulses me.

I am aware that this might come a bit too late, but I feel compulsed to share a bit of my story on this topic.

I too have had the same doubts from time to time some year ago, about a year or so of concidering transition, intense doubts about what I was doing and loathing of everything "girly" that I did to feel more like myself. I thought of giving it all up and going back to my "ordinary" life, and dismissing all the hopes of ever being what I wanted to be. Although, looking back now I realize I couldn't do this even if I went with it, because I'm sure that the part of me would never let that pass. And as time went on, these recurring thoughts, they did come over the last year--just with much less intensity. And nowdays when they resurface from time to time, they seem so trivial and petty that they don't bother me and are secondary to everything else in my life. And I am sure that they will wane as more time passes, because now I know what I am and I could never go back to what I was.

My point is-- you will have to see for yourself, try to live without it and see if you will be able to do that for the rest of your life. If it comes back, then all you will have to go along with it. Then, when you do, give it time, because every change is hard (especially those of a life-changing character which many of us face), time will prove if you're (OR not) on the right path.

I don't know if I was able to put the right idea across, but I sincerely hope this messy post helps in some way. 

Kind regards,
Viv.

I had second thoughts, hardened myself, now I have third thoughts and I want to soften myself again.

When you feminize, you literally GET SOFTER.

So try working on that. It may help your transition.