It gotta be easier than this.

If you refuse to believe something it is easier to hide it from others.

I do not want to inflict any more mental pain on my wife than I have.

I have always reasoned that if I tell her then I would only give her more pain.

I talked to several people on this site and they explained my wife will wonder what she is doing wrong.

I realized they were correct.

They gave me several suggestions of how to attack the issue of letting her know.  (I truly thank you for your help!)

Last Friday I used their suggestions and wrote scripts of what I was going to say and then developed a list of likely scenarios of what was going to happen.  I then assigned probabilities to the outcomes.  (I am treating Wendy like a problem.  I am very good at solving problems.)  I printed the scripts and rehearsed them several times.

I then gave myself the weekend of Friday, Saturday, or Sunday to try to communicate something.  Anything!

I did give my wife a hug which was good since it made her smile but she got a migraine that lasted the entire weekend.  It did not seem appropriate to make her suffer more.

I could write her a note but this is an unacceptable solution to me. 

It gotta be easier than this. 

Quote from: Wendy on March 26, 2007, 11:43:18 AM
It gotta be easier than this. 

It's not.

God, it's making me cry just thinking back now, many months ago... my wife was sitting on the bed, chatting on the computer with friends.

And I stood there in the doorway, holding it for support. I could feel the blood draining from my head... I started to get cold and shake... my mouth went dry... I started crying... trying to form words, but it's SO hard... it's like leaping off a cliff.

But through the tears, I forced, "I'm SO sorry, I love you more than life itself... but I HAVE to start hormones. I just can't go on like this anymore."

And watched the tears come up and spill out of her, her rocking back and forth now in pain and realization of what that meant...

God.

I know that's a bit different, as my wife already knew about me... just not if I was going to transition or not until then.

But my point is it's NOT easy. It's NEVER easy. That was probably the single-most difficult, painful thing I've ever done in my life.

Kate

Kate,

I have taking hormones for two years and I hide even that from my wife.  Our relationship is strained for at least ten years.  For the last two I do not let my wife kiss me and I sleep in the same bed as her but I wear a shirt to bed.  For the past month I have been closer to her.  I will hate to lose such a good friend even though I have told her it would be best if she found someone else for many years.

At the same time I was writing this tread my wife sent me a note to my personal e-mail that I will paste below:

HANDY LITTLE CHART-
> God has a positive answer:
>
> YOU SAY
> GOD SAYS
> BIBLE VERSES
>
> You say: "It's impossible"
> God says: All things are possible
> (Luke 18:27)
>
> You say: "I'm too tired"
> God says: I will give you rest
> (Matthew 11:28-30)
>
> You say: "Nobody really loves me"
> God says: I love you
> (John 3:16 & John 3:34 )
>
> You say: "I can't go on"
> God says: My grace is sufficient
> (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
>
> You say: "I can't figure things out"
> God says: I will direct your steps
> (Proverbs 3:5-6)
>
> You say: "I can't do it"
> God says: You can do all things
> (Philippians 4:13)
>
> You say: "I'm not able"
> God says: I am able
> (II Corinthians 9:8 )
>
> You say: "It's not worth it"
> God says: It will be worth it
> (Roman 8:28 )
>
> You say: "I can't forgive myself"
> God says: I Forgive you
> (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
>
> You say: "I can't manage"
> God says: I will supply all your needs
> (Philippians 4:19)
>
> You say: "I'm afraid"
> God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear
> (II Timothy 1:7)
>
> You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"
> God says: Cast all your cares on ME
> (I Peter 5:7)
>
> You say: "I'm not smart enough"
> God says: I give you wisdom
> (I Corinthians 1:30)
>
> You say: "I feel all alone"
> God says: I will never leave you or forsake you
> (Hebrews 13:5)

..............

Maybe she knew I was trying to tell her something this weekend.

Kate thanks for sharing with me.  Likewise when I read your posts I cry.

Quote from: Wendy on March 26, 2007, 12:17:36 PM
At the same time I was writing this tread my wife sent me a note to my personal e-mail that I will paste below:

HANDY LITTLE CHART-
> God has a positive answer...

That's reallly beautiful!

It sounds like she's trying to reach out to you, to tell you it'll be OK, ya know? It sounds like she truly does love you, knows you're in some kind of pain, and is trying to find a way to let you know it's OK to ask for her help...

Kate

Kate,

My wife would try to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

I guess she likes to solve puzzles too!

...  And it would be nice if she could glue some things on and leave other things off! 

.... Cry one minute .........Laugh the next.......... Cry one minute ........... Laugh the next

Thanks and take care.

W

Quote from: Wendy on March 26, 2007, 12:17:36 PM
> You say: "I can't manage"
> God says: I will supply all your needs
> (Philippians 4:19)

First chills and then some tears.  Back in the beginning of transition, I had this voice pop into my head that said "I have plans for you.  I will provide.", which I knew meant provide what I needed to get through transition.  I knew this was God speaking to me.  Since then, I have had opportunity after opportunity present itself to me and doors open one after another.  For instance, pre-approved credit cards showing up in the mail when I had no money and needed to borrow some fast, meeting certain people at the right time, getting a wonderful job right when I lost my previous one, opportunities to make extra money when I needed some, etc.  I've had to act on the opportunities myself, but many of them just presented themselves to me.  There were WAY too opportunities to be coincidental and I wonder how many lives I have saved thus far along my journey, because I HAVE helped some people continue through this when they felt they couldn't go on (as I have had them help me). 

I actually feel like I am destined for doing something that will have a huge positive impact, and I also feel like I am on the road to get there now.  I tend to give a lot back into the world because I know my time here is limited (we all die eventually) and everything in my life is only borrowed and will eventually go back into circulation once I am not around.  As such, I feel no problems with being generous to the world regardless of how it treats me (which has been very good so far).  In some ways, I feel like I have already found what I was meant to do in this lifetime and that is to journey along and make others' lives better as I take different routes along the way to whereever my ultimate destination may be.  Currently I am travelling here until I feel it is time to eventually part ways.  Perhaps I may meet some of you later in life.

Sorry for going off a bit on a tangent, but for some reason, this message felt like it needed to be shared.  Perhaps it wasn't much of a tangent because a message that could be taken out of this is that sometimes we need to realize that we can't always control the direction our life is meant to go and although facing the difficult circumstances may seem like a bad thing at the time, it may be the only path to get to where you need to go in life.

Melissa

Dear Kiera,

My wife is the most innocent and kind human being I have ever met!

I find it a little difficult that she does not say anything to me but there are a lot of funny things that have happened recently.  It is very warm in my part of the country and my wife told me to not wear a heavy flannel shirt outside during the day. She said all the guys are wearing polo shirts.  However she put a light short sleeve button down shirt on the bed for me instead of a polo shirt.  I can wear the short sleeve button down shirt with an undershirt.

I believe my progress is real slow however I am a fanatic on detail and measure everything once a week.  My weight has not change over two years.  The measurement under my arms has dropped 1 inch in two years however the measurement around the widest part of my chest is now 5 inches bigger than under my arms.  I am not sure of all the conversion factors but it is a snug B and that equates to about 1 cup size per year.  They have more stretch marks on them than my arms.  My hips have gained only an inch and also have stretch marks.  My rear does not look like it changed but then again I do not ask my wife if my butt is too big! 

I always hope I can get my meds before my wife gets to the mailbox.  However last week I went to the mailbox and only my meds were in the mailbox and no mail.  I asked my wife if any mail arrived and she said' "Yes and there is a package in the mailbox for you".  I know I wouldn't leave a package in the mailbox for someone else in the family if I got the mail.

I do wear an undershirt to bed.  When I get close to my wife she does not reach under my shirt.  My chest is a little squishy and sore when I pull her close to me but she says nothing.  She is a DD so that maybe a B seems like nothing.

My progress is probably within norms but more knowledgeable people could have done a better job.

Actually I am not sure how my wife does not know.  However she has become very independent the past couple of years and now does lots of activities with her friends.  I am very proud of her and she does not need me any longer.

She went out to dinner with one of her closet friends this evening and will be home late.  I guess I will wait for a day when we have a little more time to talk.  (Honey did you have a good meal?  Oh by the way I may have some TG inclinations.  Have a nice sleep.)

We have very few interests in common.  However we do love each other.  I think I must be in the tee-ball league because in the big league you only get three strikes and I have way more than that.

Quote from: Kiera on March 26, 2007, 04:46:57 PM
IMHO grasping the concepts of TG is well nigh impossible for anyone to do in one sitting. Do you truly understand yourself? By all means take a deep breath, tell her and then hold on tight! 

No I do not understand myself or TG.  However I do know the meds make me feel a little better and they are not supposed to do that.

W

..................................................................................................

Dear Melissa,

Your messages are always great.

Quote from: Melissa on March 26, 2007, 06:28:56 PM
I knew this was God speaking to me.  Since then, I have had opportunity after opportunity present itself to me and doors open one after another.  For instance, pre-approved credit cards showing up in the mail when I had no money and needed to borrow some fast, meeting certain people at the right time, getting a wonderful job right when I lost my previous one, opportunities to make extra money when I needed some, etc.  I've had to act on the opportunities myself, but many of them just presented themselves to me.  There were WAY too opportunities to be coincidental and I wonder how many lives I have saved thus far along my journey, because I HAVE helped some people continue through this when they felt they couldn't go on (as I have had them help me). 

Melissa I too have also lost my job.  However although situational depression is normal for most people being a hamster on a treadmill is not normal.  I am the hamster.  My wife signed me up to take some exemption tests which I have a good chance of passing even though I did not study for them.  I am not sure they would accept TG.

I would like to do some good works for the Lord before I am gone.  I am angry at me and others may reject me but the Lord thinks I am fine before or after.  I liked your comments!

W

Quote from: Wendy on March 26, 2007, 11:43:18 AM
It gotta be easier than this.

If you refuse to believe something it is easier to hide it from others.

I do not want to inflict any more mental pain on my wife than I have.

I have always reasoned that if I tell her then I would only give her more pain.

It's never easy to make vast changes in our lives. It's all the harder when we're so constrained in our options. My wife and I had been together for less than a year when I began openly questioning my gender identity. It took years for our relationship to recover from that and all of the related trouble it created in our lives. Months of it were pretty sheer hell. At the time, I tended to pull away, trying to protect her from the depths of my troubles. It wasn't until much later that I really understood that in doing so I made things much harder for her. She needed me there for her, and while I was very overwhelmed with dealing with my own issues, my pulling away made things harder on both of us. The other mistake I made was allowing myself to become so consumed with my need to transistion that nothing and no one else in my life got my attention. That path may work well for those who intend to start their lives over, but for those of us trying to reshape instead of rebuild, we have be able to be patient with those we care about.

As others have said, it sounds like she's trying to reach out to you, knows something is going on and is trying to give you space to approach it with her. If you don't feel that it's going to rip you apart to not continue down the transition path you're on, then you should perhaps re-evaluate what you need. And if you really do need to continue, don't let her suffer with having something eat away at you quietly. Don't deny her the right to make an informed decision by not confronting her, and don't let things deteriorate any further. Know that taking action is the right thing to do, no matter how it comes out, and that it's the only way to can avoid manipulating her into doing what you want.

Don't expect miracles from her - in my case, there were many non-issues - my wife was/is more attracted to women anyway, knew about transsexuality, and, in fact, kinda rekindled the idea in my head. It's been 5 years since I transistioned, and there are still the occasional aftershocks. What's changed is that we've learned to face them together, to be there for each other and help each other through them. All of that said, our relationship has grown and strengthened through those years, and things have worked out very well for us - some day's I can hardly believe how well things have worked out.

My advice, put more simply, is to know that you're in for a very rough period in your lives. Face up to it, and there's hope for the future. Keeping hiding just make it harder and less likely to work out well. She's shown that she wants to help you - do your best to help her do that.

-Amy

Dear Amy,

Thank you for sharing.  I know you are correct.  You redirected the ship and got on with your life and still have your wife.  Excellent job!

I have moved into isolation so troubled by being different that I am irrational.  Last Friday enough friends have made me realize that I need to talk to my wife; however, it has not seemed like the right time.  (By the way my wife does not like sleeping with girls.  She is very intelligent, pretty, and athletic.  The girls have always hit on her.)  I will do the right thing.

W

Quote from: Wendy on March 27, 2007, 12:31:40 PM
Thank you for sharing.  I know you are correct.  You redirected the ship and got on with your life and still have your wife.  Excellent job!

I think she deserves at least as much credit as I do.  :-) She stuck with me through what was probably the most difficult part of my life, just because she was hopeful that things could be better down the road. Then again, she tells me that had I not come into her life when I did, she'd probably be dead (she was in a very bad situation) - so the bond is very strong between us.

Quote from: Wendy on March 27, 2007, 12:31:40 PM
I have moved into isolation so troubled by being different that I am irrational.  Last Friday enough friends have made me realize that I need to talk to my wife; however, it has not seemed like the right time.  (By the way my wife does not like sleeping with girls.  She is very intelligent, pretty, and athletic.  The girls have always hit on her.)  I will do the right thing.

I understand it wasn't the right time. I'm glad you are finding the strength to talk to her and that you have friends to support you. It's an awfully hard thing to do. I hope thing work out well for both of you, whatever that may entail. From these trials you'll find the strength to be who you are. Be grateful to have that chance to live a life of intent; most people never do.

-Chris & Amy (I identified as MTF for about 5 years, now processing through being something more akin to bi-gendered. Some day I'll put a proper profile for myself :-) )

Amy,

I do need to clarify who are my friends. My "friends" are here at Susan's.  They are the first people I have ever shared my secrets.  My wife will be the first person I ever shared my secrets that can see my eyes.

I am also trying to figure out what it means to me to be TG.  My friends here at Susan's told me that my wife may make things clearer regardless of her decision.

I am not sure what it means to be bi-gendered.  I did read about a third gender which may be the same.  In the short run I would prefer to be as female as I can and continue to pass as male.  If it gets to the point in which I appear more female than male then I would pass as a female.  I might be the third gender.

W.

Wendy,

I understand about your friends. They're real enough to be helping you along, and that's not a bad thing. :-) Glad to hear you're keeping an open mind about where you fit in the TG spectrum. I agree that your wife may help you better understand yourself.

Bi-gendered, as I'm using the term, means that I have a split identity with the split being primarily a difference of gender identity. I tend to think of my split in term of having multiple personalities, though the distinctions between them are much less severe than in a clinical case of that disorder. My state as such seems to have evolved out of the percieved necessity of my male identity during a very stressful childhood. In that process, my male identity, orginally developed as a coping mechanism, grew into a life of it's own, not readily discarded when it became possible for my female self to emerge.

-Chris & Amy

Chris and Amy,

I want you to meet Wendy and Eddie.

The term I use is I hybridized.  Eddie protected Wendy starting at 18 and now Wendy would like some freedom.  How much freedom Wendy wants I do not know.  How strong is Eddie.  I do not know.

I realize they are me so that I am not "schizo".  Quiet Wendy while I'm talking.     (I'm very silly this evening.)

Thanks for your post.  It is interesting and I can relate to it!

W&E

Well it sounds like you're trying to take off the mental armor you've depended on for years. It's hard to do, it's like feeling naked even though you may be physically clothed in a hazmat suit. It's the exposure of old feelings and nuances in your behavior you haven't exercised in years, if ever. You will adapt in time, and integrate your newly found values and self.

-- Bridget

Hello Wendy & Eddie,

Nice to meet you both. Silly is good. Amy's got most of the silliness in me. You know, in trying to figure some of this out, we're much in the same boat, though for me it's more of a second time around with this stuff. :-) The only constant in my life thus far has been change, I don't know what compelled me to think I could settle on a gender any more than other things. ;-)

-Amy & Chris

Quote from: Attis on March 27, 2007, 10:43:23 PM
Well it sounds like you're trying to take off the mental armor you've depended on for years. It's hard to do, it's like feeling naked even though you may be physically clothed in a hazmat suit. It's the exposure of old feelings and nuances in your behavior you haven't exercised in years, if ever. You will adapt in time, and integrate your newly found values and self.

Bridget,

I couldn't agree more about taking off mental armor, though at least for me, integration was something I expected and worked on for many years, and finally came to realize was not going to completely occur. If I have any regrets, it's simply that I let myself develop rigid expectations for how my gender identity would unfold. I do have a more feminine identity all around, if that makes sense, and I at first presumed that any feelings that were outside that weren't true to who I was. Had I not done that, I suspect my process would have gone more smoothly.

I've come to appreciate finding the labels that fit where I am and trying not to be afraid to redefine that as needed. I'd say I'm an advocate of keeping an open mind, even when you think you know what's going on. For Wendy (and Eddie), it seems that there is a lot of discovery yet to happen, and while I speak from a place of identifying as bi-gendered, I hope it's clear that I'm not trying to push anyone to conclusions about themselves. :-)

-Amy & Chris

Dear Amy and Chris,

I appreciate you sharing and do not think you are trying to push me to a conclusion.

However I am trying to understand myself.

Wendy has tried to come out a few times in Eddie's life.  However Eddie always gets her back in.

Each time Wendy tried for a longer time.  Wendy has taken meds for two years and is happy.

Eddie keeps everything about Wendy in secret.  In fact Eddie even keeps Wendy away from me.   

Eddie's hazardous materials armor is wearing out.

TG has not been a path for me but a roadblock.  It is good for me to talk at this site.  Many "friends" have given me much needed guidance.

W&E

Quote from: Wendy on March 27, 2007, 11:47:08 PM

Eddie's hazardous materials armor is wearing out.


W&E

I can so relate to that Wendy. I feel my armor get very weak at times and I have a big pitty party. And these parties are generally getting biger each time (Like going out and getting something to drink if I run out to early). My armor has been very good this week. Lets hope it says that way.

Al 

(Alan & Alice)

Dear Alice and Alan,

It is difficult to write my feelings.  They come out like "oh pity me".  Actually I have had many good moments in my life and I have had people that care about me.   The issue of TG has caused many emotional problems for me which have become deep seated.  However the best way to describe it is Eddie is very scared of Wendy.  If Eddie is gone then who will protect Wendy?  It is hard to unravel them.

Wendy and Eddie
......................

Bridget,

I love the hazardous materials suits being underneath the metal armor of knights! 

This has been a wonderful conversation. I'm sorry I just found it today.

The struggle to integrate my two selves has been a growing area for me. In one way I've experienced a rejuvenation of my relationship with my wife. I think I am a more nurturing partner to her than I ever was before.  Before I told her I was transgendered I was not willing to show her that part of me because I was afraid that she would find out I was a girl. A large part of my growth has been in the caring and nurturing aspect of my true personality. Since my upbringing taught me that only girls acted like caring nurturing human beings that part of me has been held back for 49 years. I was a boy and therefore I shouldn't be nurturing. I have also been fortunate that she has responded favorably to that "new" part of me that I have been trying to embrace. If she had been raised the same way I was she might see my nurturing as the wrong way for a real man to act. Instead she was raised in a household with a father that modeled for his children a different type of male than my father modeled for me.

Debbie/Dale

Deb and Dale,

We are not good or bad.  However our brains are wired different.

It is nice to see you wife is open to allow you to share your feelings.

W&E