Hi guys, Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it!

I've been thinking about this a lot and decided I wanted some opinions. I have been working a long time to develop more male friends, more knowledge of sports, gaming, and so on. Long story short, I now have a plan to go over this guy's house tomorrow to play video games and drink beer. I've known him for a while and have been cultivating this friendship, we've played some music together, and have bonded about music, xbox, etc. But this will be the first time of us just hanging together guy to guy without his gf or other females around. I am excited but nervous.

I seem to have a harder time staying in male mode as well when I am around guys, no problem around females. He sees me as a guy, calls me my male name, etc., that is not the problem. I am trying like hell to fit in with the guys, no trouble keeping up with the beer drinking lol, but more nervous about being competitive on video games and somehow feeling or being seen as girly. Working hard to overcome a lifetime of female socialization and not enough time yet in that environment. I can play music with the big boys, but not so sure about Grand Theft Auto! lol

Other than swilling my beer, standing with my legs apart, and saying "dude" a lot (!), has anybody had any success with this type of situation and may have any tips? I really want to be friends with this guy, but I'm not sure I can keep up on the gaming yet. He will help me, which is fine, but it pushes my inner "helpless female" button, and I need tactics for overcoming that in my mind as we go along (or worse, his mind). Also, I have a female friend, a sidekick, not sure if I should ask her to come as well? Would that make it better or worse. Any tips or thoughts would be most appreciated. Thanks.

Sure, there's nothing wrong with that. I have a lot of experience with faking a guy attitude lolz, but I don't know specifically what to tell you, what do you wanna know?

Just have a chill attitude and don't act overly aggressive.

It's tired and old, but just be yourself and don't worry about doing girly or manly things. I hang out with guys most of the time, having a beer, playing pool, playing video games. I never think "oh crap, I suck so hard at games, he's not gonna respect me as a dude", nor do I put any particular effort into my behaviour. I guess if you never had a lot of male friends that you could just be yourself around though, it must be pretty daunting. Just relax! I wouldn't advise bringing your friend - this your night to chill out with each other and have fun. Hope it goes well!

Yeah, I wouldn't worry too much about the video game thing. There's always been one or two guys that really suck at games in every group of male friends I've had. Just don't get defensive and overreact if he ribs you about it. Being able to relax and laugh at yourself helps a lot when hanging out with dudes.

Quote from: Solobear on January 12, 2012, 05:27:31 PM
It's tired and old, but just be yourself and don't worry about doing girly or manly things. I hang out with guys most of the time, having a beer, playing pool, playing video games. I never think "oh crap, I suck so hard at games, he's not gonna respect me as a dude", nor do I put any particular effort into my behaviour. I guess if you never had a lot of male friends that you could just be yourself around though, it must be pretty daunting. Just relax! I wouldn't advise bringing your friend - this your night to chill out with each other and have fun. Hope it goes well!

^ This.

A line of thought like, "I have to change myself to fit in!" kind of goes against the whole, "relax and just be yourself" thing.

Thanks for the replies, guys. I'm not so much worried about fitting in and/or not being myself, it's more that I am so confident most of the time, and I AM just myself, but I felt that this situation had the potential to undermine my normal state of being "well-adjusted"--like it could be a dysphoria trigger or something. Talk about tired and old  lol. Thanks guys. It's comforting to know there is always some guy that sucks at video games, and I guess this time it'll be me. 

I also just realized I think the reason I was getting worked up about this so much was because of how excited HE was--we talked on the phone last night about it, and he was like, Oh, this'll be great, you and me could be a team and play other teams online, and so on....I was getting like, holy s**t, what am I getting myself into! And hoping I could keep up. So maybe not so much a trans-related issue, but one of confidence in general in an unfamiliar situation.

 I only played GTA 3 and 4. I don't think they are multiplayer now or co op. I'm guessing you will just be taking turns so you will have time to observe his play style, and what works and what doesn't. When I invite friends over to play COD we just take turns because I don't like split screen. It limits your field of view and just feels weird. If you guys play Madden, good luck. There a lot of things to memorize and it can get complex. If you haven't really played football it will definitely be a challenge. The learning curve is steep, but you can let it select plays for you until you get the hang of it.

Tag along friends are always a bad idea. Especially since she's a female.

Sage advice from the others, mate.  I overthink those situations too much sometimes and get myself feeling so insecure that I can't even open my mouth.  The more I don't think about ME, the better.  Think about the game and convo topics at hand.

Perhaps, if you start to get edgy, you could remind yourself that this is not a test?  To some degree, quite sensibly, it is in your mind.  But it isn't a test of whether you pass in his mind.  One trait of standard cisguys (such as me) is tremendous obliviousness.  Unless you specifically tell him you're trans, it wouldn't occur to him to question that you're a guy.

As others have suggested, there's always a range among cisguys as well.  Some of us (e.g. me) suck at video games, and playing team sports, and ... insert list of whatever else is supposed to be 'normal' or 'required' for cisguys.  I also suspect that if you were to take your personal list of things you're doing to 'pass', and checked a bunch of cisguys against it, you'd find that quite a few of them would not be doing everything on your list.

Your suggestion in your most recent comment -- about his excitement, and, more to the point, about not being a trans-related issue but a general one of confidence in an unfamiliar situation, sounds spot on.  I've routinely cautioned people that, say, just because I'm tall doesn't mean I can play basketball at all well.  Or that I can't play video games well.  His plans for the two of you double-teaming the world may have to be revised.  So be it.  But, as you suggested, that doesn't look like a trans issue.  He'd have the same potential problem with me.

I know where you are coming from but try not too worry too much.

I just got Xbox Live about 4 months ago? for the first time and picked up a copy of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. Not only was it my first time playing online with other people but I really jumped the gun by making the game the new Call of Duty.

Then I played it alone with my sister's boyfriend who has been playing those games for years and we teamed up. At first I was nervous because I suck soooo bad at them but he didn't seem frustrated at all and we played for a good couple of hours each night I stayed over. Even though he knows about me he still treats me like a guy and makes man jokes with me so it's pretty sweet.

It's just in good fun. Even if you suck at the game your friend will just enjoy playing with you and having some beers.

Okay, here's an update just so everyone knows how it turned out. Thanks to everyone for all the advice too. I was very chill and did not bring my friend. We actually had a lot of fun, and like how a lot of things turn out, I needn't have worried so much lol.

I did hold my own on the video games (surprisingly) and actually was more in control on the hockey game we tried than he was! I had played that one more recently than he had. So that part was fine.

The only time I almost lost it was when he said, Did you know we have baby bunnies now? And proceeded to bring out a cage with THE MOST ADORABLE BABY BUNNIES EVER! I mean, how can you resist??!! (I have this way of baby talking around animals which is not the most masculine thing ever--LOL) BUT!! I was myself and gushed and gaga-goo goo'd over the bunnies, which was actually kind of funny. 

And oh yeah, the toilet seat stayed up the whole time which was rewarding in and of itself :-)

Sweet.