I've noticed it seems many here are fairly open about who they are offline from the way people talk.

I was wondering if anyone else is still completely hiding everything from people offline? I'm just curious how do you deal with it? Everyday I feel worse for it, I hate lying to people and now my life feels more and more like a total lie.

Its gotten to the point that my depression meds didn't seem to be helping anymore so, among a few other reasons as well, I've stopped taking them everyday. I just take one of them every couple days in the hopes it will take some edge off. Honestly I can't tell if it does.

Anyone got any tips on dealing with this? I figured even those not hiding it probably did at some point before so maybe someone might have some ideas. Thanks.

*Flails* I'm in hiding, as well

I live with my parents and it's becoming awfully bothersome because I wanted to start laser hair removal months ago, but can't since I'm not out to them. I've quite a thick beard and coming home all red-faced and possibly swollen would raise questions.

I'm slowly preparing myself to tell them, though, at least my mom.

As far as coping with it, I don't really have much trouble with it (if it wasn't for the facial hair, again). I've always been quite introverted so I don't feel like saying it out to the world that I'm trans. Yet.

Well I don't really want to broadcast it to everyone. It would just be nice to have a couple people that really know me that I could talk to. I just know that's not possible with my family and friends. Thankfully I don't see my parents much if at all, it's mostly my gf/ex/whatever that I live with that is my problem. Right now she's all I have offline and there is no way she'd understand any of this. Same for everyone else I might be able to see in person.

So I have to hide it till I can figure out how to get away from them all. I just wish I didn't have to hide it and it's getting pretty hard now.

Thanks for the reply.

I hid for awhile. I didn't actually even come out and tell people in a planned way. The pressure just got to be too much, and with some people I'd already dropped too many hints, and with others I was starting to be really really miserable about pretending all the time.

That's probably not very uplifting.

It's ok Felix, thanks for replying. I'm heading towards the miserable part already and it's only been a few months, I don't even plan on trying to transition till much later in the year if not next year so I have no idea right now on what to do. Actually I still need to see a therapist I could just be messed up in the head for all I know. Well I know I am, but I mean I don't even know if I will transition, just seems like something I want right now when I feel able to.

Just confused, thanks again. *hug*

 

btw your avatar always reminds me of this:

There really is no "right" way to transition, we are all different.  How far to take the whole thing will be a totally subjective personal decision, and many people stop and start quite a few times.  That is where a good Gender Therapist can help.  They don't tell you what to do, but help you ask the right questions of yourself.  Dealing with life long GID certainly messes with your head, but the good news is that sorting out the Gender issues can often end the Depression that dealing with GID every day and coping with other's reactions  can cause.

Having suffered from Depression myself, I had to try a couple of medications before I found the most effective on.  Some of them plateau after a while, so it might be worth talking to your doctor about the results you are having, and perhaps trying another one.

Main thing though is not to be harder on yourself than you would be on a friend suffering the same problems. 
Have a hug from me too.

Aunty Karen.

Amalina.

May I make a suggestion, for what it's worth? Don't tell anyone.

Now I realise that may sound frustrating and the opposite oif what you actually want, but if you think if it, it makes perfect sense.

You be who you are. You express femininity.

You grow your hair long, as you wish, and style it as it makes you feel comfortable.

You choose and wear clothes that express who you are and how you feel. You may be a bit limited but that's life really. Everyone has to wear what's appropriate.

In short, if you're going to go down, you go down for being who you are and not because you failed at being someone who you're not.

Felix that is an awesome video, thanks.

Quote from: justmeinoz on January 14, 2012, 02:37:43 AM
There really is no "right" way to transition, we are all different.  How far to take the whole thing will be a totally subjective personal decision, and many people stop and start quite a few times.  That is where a good Gender Therapist can help.  They don't tell you what to do, but help you ask the right questions of yourself.  Dealing with life long GID certainly messes with your head, but the good news is that sorting out the Gender issues can often end the Depression that dealing with GID every day and coping with other's reactions  can cause.

I'm still learning what a therapist is for, a lot of stuff I read made it sound like it would be more their call than mine on if I should or shouldn't. Thanks.

Quote from: justmeinoz on January 14, 2012, 02:37:43 AM
Having suffered from Depression myself, I had to try a couple of medications before I found the most effective on.  Some of them plateau after a while, so it might be worth talking to your doctor about the results you are having, and perhaps trying another one.

That's another problem for me, I currently due to a recent move don't have a doctor or even insurance so I am trying to figure that out asap but running into a whole lot of nothing. And I have a feeling my old psych might not do another refill, she already set me up ahead of time to compensate for the move but I'm not getting things organized as fast as I thought and will soon be out of pills anyways.

Quote from: justmeinoz on January 14, 2012, 02:37:43 AM
Main thing though is not to be harder on yourself than you would be on a friend suffering the same problems. 
Have a hug from me too.

Aunty Karen.

Another thing I've always been bad at. Always been super critical of myself in everything from self image to my art and writing. That will be a hard one for sure. Thanks for the hug, always love hugs.

Spacial,

I totally get what you're saying and while it would work for a lot of people I'm sure, I doubt it would for me. Being myself would be a drastic change from the role I'm playing. I'm seen as the total alpha male, never show emotions, big guy you don't really give second looks too. Any small changes would be very noticeable, especially by my gf/ex/? which is my main concern right now. Only thing I have going for me on that list is I've had long hair since high school.

I already know I won't be able to be me in the position I'm in. I will need to escape but that is not going to be easy or soon unfortunately. Which is why I'm hoping to figure out how to deal with this. Thanks though, I really appreciate the advice, and hope to get to that eventually.

Hi Amalina,

The community membership here at Susan's is in some way shape or form are at some point in their journey of self acceptance. Hence the perceived openness off line. Those outside still living in denial, won't be here. So welcome to Susan's. The best family on the web, bar none. You are among friends.

You obviously have accepted your differences and are prepared to work on discovering a whole new world that will make you comfortable. As Karen mentioned, each journey is quite different and personally yours. It appears you are in the initial stages of your journey and it is a wise choice, albeit somewhat frustrating, to remain in hiding/stealth/anonymous, until you know some answers. There is nothing more demoralising than to try and explain to friends or significant others, how you feel if you cannot explain it.

Taking time to get to know yourself, your feeling and where this journey is taking you, through the help of your therapist, creates the poise, confidence and commitment necessary to explain to others with absolute determination, who you are, why and where you are heading; with or without them. Such confidence, inspires others belief in you.

Hope this helps in some way. Would love to hear more of your journey in time to come. Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping. In the meantime, be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

I am not hiding, my policy is just dont ask dont tell, i am impatient to grow different, tough, all this waiting is full of pain, and i fight everyday with the limits of my messed up psichology that mostly derives by not being me since kid and having suffered too much!

You can do what you want!

But please be carefull with your meds!!!

I have a devastating depression, really I do suffer evereday and everymoment for the needs I have, the things, the life I miss, maybe meds slows me down, but I would be helpless, suffering without hope to get out without them! Meds just buy you time to deal with your needs and confront and accept your faith and sufferings, for blooming just after!

Thanks Catherine, I do hope to stick around here for a while.

Quote from: Sarah7 on January 14, 2012, 11:46:34 AM
I hide what I was for a very long time. Most of my coping methods should not be imitated, but here are some of the less self-destructive ones:

Yeah I'm trying to avoid some destructive ones I used to rely on when I was much younger.

Quote from: Sarah7 on January 14, 2012, 11:46:34 AM
Books, movies, tv, music... anything that helps to just not think about it for a bit and give yourself a break. Working this stuff over in your mind endlessly eventually amounts to self-torture, and it can be hard to stop yourself. Physical activity (that you like) can provide the same kind of temporary release, or just going out for a walk and getting away from your usual space. If you learn to watch for the signs that your thinking is spiralling more negative, sometimes you can make the effort to do something to interrupt it.

I do like to read and watch movies a lot, but yeah it's really hard not to overthink everything. Thats always been a problem for me. I'm not much on physical activity but part of my goals is to lose weight so that might be one thing soon here.

Quote from: Sarah7 on January 14, 2012, 11:46:34 AM
If you can find even one person you trust enough to tell that would be awesome to give yourself an outlet. Since you don't get on so well with your family/friends, that could be a therapist (make sure you like them though) or going to a trans support group in your area, or even coming on here and ranting when things suck. Alternatively it can help sometimes to write it out onto paper (just try not to read what you've written afterwards, it can tend to get grim  ).

I do have one person I might be able to trust, one of my oldest and best friends, really like a sister to me. She lives a few states away though, and while I hope to move there eventually I'm in no position to even plan it yet right now and I don't think I can talk to her over the phone or net about something like this.

I have looked up a local support group and made contact online with them, they seem awesome so far. I have tried to open up on here some but I just worry about being "that" person, the "oh it's them again, probably some more whining". I've known too many quite open about those feelings before towards me so it's a big reason I hide emotions outside of the expectation due to being seen as a guy. I know the posters here are awesome and probably wouldn't but it's just hard not to worry about losing them before we even become friends.

I do have an outlet though, I post thoughts and rants and complaints on my tumblr. Amazingly I even have a few followers that are pretty supportive. Still it's the net so it only goes so far, I appreciate all of them of course but it's not the same as someone in person, you know?

Quote from: Sarah7 on January 14, 2012, 11:46:34 AM
Having a plan for when you will start doing something about this, possibly with calendar dates, can make the waiting less miserable. Knowing that I had a set endpoint actually helped me feel a lot better in the last few months I was waiting. (But it can also backfire badly if you don't meet your goals, so careful with this one.)

Well the only real goal I have right now is my weight loss. I've always hated being fat and I don't think I could go through transition with that on me as well. So my current hopes are to lose a lot of my weight, about 130-140 pounds maybe. Then seriously look into transitioning and what I will need to do for myself to do it. I hope by then that either I got brave enough to either come out or escape.

Quote from: Sarah7 on January 14, 2012, 11:46:34 AM
Try to fill your time as productively as you can. Especially doing anything that makes you feel valuable and valid is great. Your sense of self-worth is probably in free-fall about now, and reminding yourself that you have talent/intelligence/capacity/bravery/whatever makes that feeling of being fake a lot more bearable at least for a bit. I was able to focus obsessively on doing very well in university, for example. That worked for about a year and a half.

Remember that this is an intensely personal and private thing, and you really don't owe anyone access to that before you are ready. Yes, you are wearing a mask, but it's for self-protection. Lying is keeping you safe. It is not a reflection on who you are, nor does it make you a bad person. It is a necessary evil that eventually will come to an end.

Well the only talent that makes me feel that way is my writing. I have some projects that have suffered lately because of all this that I need to work on again soon. I guess I could just make myself dive into it and hope it helps.

Also yeah I totally get that this is private and personal, and I know I shouldn't feel I owe anyone the truth. It's just not normal for me. While yeah I keep my feelings to myself offline a lot I have always been a really open book to anyone around me, new or old friends, and just admit but deflect if needed on some topics. Honesty is a huge deal for me and that's hard to get past. You make a lot of sense though. Thank you.

Sweet Blue Girl,

Thanks, and I know I need to watch the meds, I can relate to what you said about the suffering, I've spent 15+ years on and off going from light to hardcore depression till it finally forced me to own up and see a doc. I had a serious fear of being committed for how bad it gets, not to mention admitting being weak to people around me.

to all of you, thanks for the support. It means a lot.

Listen to Spacial. Don't tell people about yourself. Be yourself.

I've found ppl knowing is totally overrated. I've told a handful of people and they never seem interested when I need to talk about something relating to my transsexuality even though they were totally cool with it. Even my sister who is 100% perfect with everything, if I say something about what hormones are doing to me she's like "cool" ... not necessarily the response you want right?

But if you're just yourself, people will leave you alone about it. I work in a workplace dominated by masculinity and, while I get teased for my femininity alot, it's all jokes and we all get along very well.

Don't tell people who you are, be who you are.

I came to Susan's as quite a frightened boigirl. The people hee have helped and I think spacial has hit the nail on the head. You will learn to grow into being you, here. It is not a race, but by realising we accept you as you, you will beginning to accept yourself.

The totally sad truth about our lives, and what all the therapy is about is a very simple secret.

We have to accept ourselves.

Once we do that no one else matters. There are no more jokes, There are no more comments, There are no more 'is that a guy in a dress'. You have accepted you. You are one.

This is what this place is about. We all know what hell is we live it and we face it. But we share it.

I did start coming out to friends and co-workers. No one cared to be honest. But I was well into accepting me by then. The harshest words were also some of the most interesting words. I came out to one of my female PhD students, I have known her for many years. She said. I'm so disappointed, you have always taught people to be themselves and to be true to your beliefs, and you have lied. How could you do that?

I have never lied again.

She also told the truth.

Accept yourself and live your life. There is no reason for excuses or explanations.

There is a reason to live your life.

Hugs

Cindy

Sorry for the delayed response, went back on my meds the yesterday, at least for the weeks worth I have, and they kinda make me loopy for a bit. Forgot that I hadn't replied here doh. I'm sorry if any of this doesn't make sense or goes off on tangents, hoping to articulate as best I can my thoughts.

Like I was saying to Spacial, I hear ya, and really I hope nobody is interested. That would be ideal, I'd rather not bore them anyways, I just know most will not be accepting and I will have major problems once they either notice or are told. I'm not looking for a confidant in them to work through my problems, I just want to not hide things or for instance feel awkward at comments that don't apply to me now that used to. It's really more about am I ready to lose people.

An example of what I mean. I have some mental health problems that have kept me out of work for a few years now. A huge factor in the need for depression meds and others. I have had only two options for surviving and that is to stay living with my at the time gf and since then she became my ex, now I don't know what is going on. I've tried to find a way out for a while but without work I'm kinda hosed. The other option is being homeless, for various reasons I don't have family I can stay with.

If she finds out, I know she will finally kick me out. She's not a bigot or anything but she is keeping me around I think mostly because she wants back together, I'm already a different guy than when we started dating, major life changes a few years back in attitude and faith stuff, this would be far too distant from that original guy. I have lived on the streets before, I could probably do it again, though meds will be hard to come by I'm sure. I just have so much on me right now pushing these pills to their limit as it is that adding on being homeless seems like a really bad idea.

Of course fear of that isn't my only reason for remaining hidden. I know I shouldn't care, writing a blog post on this actually heh, what others think, but I do. Being happy with myself even after transition will almost definitely rely on others as well as my own perspective. I want to be accepted for who I am, and I know that will require new friends and I'm dealing with that somewhat. I care too much what others think though.

Maybe I'm not quite ready for here. I know everyone is supportive and accepting but all I think of when I post is stupid things like "what if someone figures out who I am, I'm gonna look weak!" or "I can't believe I just admitted that!" As wrong of a mentality as it is, the way I grew up and I know those around me see it this way, being feminine for a guy is weak and all sorts of wrong and all that ignorance you'd expect. And really that's what they will see, not me becoming the woman I should have been but me being the man they thought they knew acting like a woman. So it's hard for me to ignore that, I know it's wrong and I don't think of others in that way but I can't help thinking of myself like that and being embarrassed at the thought of others seeing me like that. And really if I can't be myself around you all here without feeling so self conscious then I don't know how I'll ever do it offline.

I know this is just more excuses, but I felt maybe a bit more background might help. I'll just have to figure this out on my own I guess. I wish I could be like all of you but I just can't let go of my fears and my male pride for lack of a better term. Granted with the living situation a lot of that pride is pretty messed up, but when it comes to "being a man" I don't think I am ready for others to lose that illusion of me, at least dealing with knowing just how many close to me will bail and the ridicule that I expect from some of them. Not to mention the implications and things some may say due to my lack of work and living with gf situation, which is total bs but if I can think of it I'm sure someone else might.

I just wish I could disappear.

Thank you all for your responses.

Hey. Whether you hang around this site or not, and whether you decide to come out and transition or not, it's okay. Your choices are valid. You're up against a lot.

Keep your heart, don't lose yourself.

Amalina,

Guess what. You are just like the rest of us.

We are all different and all the same. we are weak and we are strong.

I awake at night in a screaming fit, reliving what was in the past. I suspect you do as well.

Guess what? You are home know. You have a family and we can talk.

So talk. Pretty simple really.

Cindy

Quote from: Felix on January 17, 2012, 03:12:01 AM
Hey. Whether you hang around this site or not, and whether you decide to come out and transition or not, it's okay. Your choices are valid. You're up against a lot.

Keep your heart, don't lose yourself.

I'm not saying I want to leave, I love this site and am still so new to it, it just seems I may be out of place here right now. I can relate to a lot of what people say about their early self discoveries, but I have a hard time believing I can transition for various reasons, looks/weight being a big one as well as in this thread about coming out to people and how impossible that sounds to me right now. It just seems many here are in a totally different place than me, which is ok of course, I just find myself envying a lot of the posters here for their confidence in themselves and being able to live as themselves. I just worry that my posting is out of place and that my pessimism about myself leaks into my other posts around here, like I've said I don't want to be the resident whiner.

I do want to transition, and I would love to live normal as myself, it's just so confusing right now, honestly it feels like this will all be a waste of time and money in the end. Even if I might be happy about myself at some point I'll probably never have anything resembling the life I'd want, possibly because of my own weaknesses.

I'm sorry for sounding so depressing. I just have so much on my mind right now with all of this and Susans is one of the few places I trust to talk about it. I tried looking before and didn't see a forum for depression stuff here, if there is one just point me in the right direction, or if needed someone just tell me to shush, I'd rather that than annoy people. Thank you Felix for the response, you've been really kind to me since I joined, and thanks to everyone else also, I really do appreciate it.

Quote from: Cindy James on January 17, 2012, 03:35:47 AM
Amalina,

Guess what. You are just like the rest of us.

We are all different and all the same. we are weak and we are strong.

I awake at night in a screaming fit, reliving what was in the past. I suspect you do as well.

Guess what? You are home know. You have a family and we can talk.

So talk. Pretty simple really.

Cindy

Thank you Cindy. I'm trying, I've just been burned so many times before by close friends. The kind that act like they are your best friend then pester you to open up to them. Once you do then you become too depressing to be around and if your lucky they stop calling or answering their phone and ignore you. Some of course would rather drive the point home and say a lot of things they have to know is hurtful.

Of course I don't expect that here, just explaining why I have some trust issues with opening up to people at times. I want to but I worry about losing friends, even ones I might not have yet. I am trying though. *hugs* Thanks again.

My dear darling Amalina,

Sit down, get a coffee our whatever. Take your time I'm not going away.

Hi. I'm Cindy James. I'm a 59 yr old woman who lives in Adelaide, South Australia. 

I have been gang raped, I have been beaten, I have been rejected, I have been loved. I am loved.

I have been to the bottom of despair. I know how to crawl and I know how to beg.

I live and I win.

Friends are strange people. We think we know who they are, we put our emotional hearts into a persons hand, just to have the the life squeezed out. For every drop of blood there are a thousand tears.

What do we do?

Do we hide or do we stand proud?

Hiding is so easy and so gentle and so accepting and I can go to sleep and I'm hidden and no one knows and I'll never be frightened again and I can be fat and I can blame it on stuff and people will be sorry because I have gland problems and all Americans are fat bastards anyway so what.

I lay on the ground, my bottom shredded, my jaw dislocated, they didn't like my biting, they all knew me. I had been set up. I had to live with them at school and they reminded me every 10 mins. I had a choice. Your choice. Exactly the same. Live your life with pride or don't.

I chose to live.

I could not let those bastards win. NO way.

I'm me and there is nothing wrong with me. I'm a woman called Cindy James.

If anyone in the world denies that, then I will stand up. I stand up for me and my sister and brothers.

Time to draw the battle lines my new sister.

There is nothing to be afraid of except fear itself.

You can only go forwards with strength.

No none TG people have a clue how strong we are. We have been to hell and came back.

Cindy