I discovered I was transgender in August, and I've been identifying as FTM since October or November. I've always known I want to be a boy, but I always end up wondering whether I really am one. I mean, I see plenty of people on here who are just so sure of themselves and their identity and...I'm not. I know that I'd really love to be Ian, and be called by male pronouns, and be treated as a boy, and not be grouped at girls, but does that mean that I really am a boy? I don't know, and it really bothers me.

When I was little, I always felt this urge to be different from other girls. I'd make sure I avoided mainstream music, girly movies, gossip, girls' clothes, and plenty of other things. Sure, it's true I really didn't like any of that stuff, but I felt like I had to emphasize my dislike for it and prove that I wasn't like everyone else. If I had to fix my hair after gym class so it wouldn't look completely ridiculous or something girly like that, I just felt so embarrassed...it was really weird, but it just felt kind of wrong. What I want to point out by saying that is this: I'm not sure if that's just further proof that I really am transgender, or I'm just making a big deal out of things. I don't want to be transgender, but it's better than forcing myself to be gender-conforming and living as a normal girl. I've tried it and it didn't work out.

Sorry if I'm rambling on a bit. I'm just trying to sort all this stuff out. I'd really appreciate it if you could give me some advice on this stuff, especially about wanting to be a boy but not being sure if I am one.

Thanks so much for your help.
Ian

I think there are lots of people, myself included, who are not at all sure of their identities. I'm afraid I don't have much advice, but it helps a little to know that one is not alone.

 Well, if it makes ya feel any better at all, that's sort of how I felt for the longest time (aside from avoiding male media - I did and still do enjoy a bit of that to an extent, although I would never ever like rap or the gangsta thing for a million years). I didn't really know that I was a girl - I thought I was one, but I knew that there was no way for me to know for sure.

The answer was clear enough when I saw that transitioning... taking hormones... and all that made me happy, as I knew it would. It was a little later in my journey that I found out for sure, after a bad sexual experiment - I had what I could call a dysphoria attack, and ended the session crying and screaming in his arms. While it was a valuable learning experience, I could probably have gone without it.

Many would suggest going to a gender therapist; I'd suggest it if you have the money for it, but to be honest, their role is relatively minor, as they can only help you make up your own mind. They don't offer much that you don't already have, that is, and getting hormones without one is possible... many places use the informed consent model. And there's always self-medding, which is, to be sure, quite risky. You'd have to be very responsible for it to not be dangerous.

It's up to you. You seem to have made your mind up already... "I discovered I was transgender," "I've been identifying as FtM," "I've always known I want to be a boy," "I'd really love to be Ian, and be called by male pronouns, and be treated as a boy," "I've tried [living as a girl] and it didn't work out"... And I'll note that the rebellion to feminine media and high-school culture is totally understandable, coming from a potential male that (strongly?) dislikes to be thought of as female.

I'm not making a diagnosis, but... probably the majority of trans individuals have a similar story.

Wishin' ya the best.

Thanks so much for the help! I am going to a gender therapist right now (mostly because I'm trying to lessen my dysphoria, since it's been really bad lately), but I did send him an email letting him know I have been identifying as male. I have an appointment Friday, so I'll see what happens then.

For me, the idea of hormones/surgery hasn't really been a good way to tell since I don't want to go on T (one or two changes I really don't like) and don't want top surgery, at least for now (huge fear of doctors). However, the idea of living as male does have appeal. I have long hair, but I'm getting it cut soon, which will hopefully let me try passing, and I'll see how I like it.

I still doubt myself some days ... and I have had 8 months of counseling and have start hormones .... my therapist assures me to have self doubt is normal...it's a big change in life ... I have been told once changes have occurred and I am more happy with how I look from hormones the doubts will likely fade away

 Do whatever you're comfortable with... go as far as makes you happy. You don't have to have every surgery, or take every medicine, to be male.

Whatever rides your camel.

Quote from: Kelly J. P. on January 18, 2012, 04:45:53 PM
Whatever rides your camel.

Thanks! Also, I don't think I've ever heard that expression before, but I like it. 

Quote from: Ian on January 18, 2012, 04:20:08 PM
Thanks so much for the help! I am going to a gender therapist right now (mostly because I'm trying to lessen my dysphoria, since it's been really bad lately), but I did send him an email letting him know I have been identifying as male. I have an appointment Friday, so I'll see what happens then.

For me, the idea of hormones/surgery hasn't really been a good way to tell since I don't want to go on T (one or two changes I really don't like) and don't want top surgery, at least for now (huge fear of doctors). However, the idea of living as male does have appeal. I have long hair, but I'm getting it cut soon, which will hopefully let me try passing, and I'll see how I like it.

You don't need surgery to be male.  I know guys who are perfectly fine without T or any form of surgery.  As for doubting it's okay to have doubts because you don't want to make the wrong decision.  My only advice to you is to do some more soul searching.  I remember one guy saying "if you can see yourself living breathing, and dying as a man-if you can't see yourself as someone's husband, someone's son, someone's father, grandfather, great grandfather, uncle etc. then this is not for you". Well he didn't say it exactly like that but you get the point.  That may help.

Thanks so much for your help, guys. I kind of realized something last night, which should help to clarify things a lot. There have been a few times when I truly felt male and I was able to see myself as a male, and that is when I have felt happiest, most confident, and most accepting of myself. I don't often feel like that, but I want to because I've never felt better about myself than that. It explains why I want to be a boy but am not sure if I am one. I may not see myself as one now, but I know I'd be happier. Now I guess I have a goal, which is a huge step.